Could you answer these and suggest more to add

[Picture.Of.Obedience]

I want to make some form of survey to get info to help other grieving women. I have a few questions maybe you all could answer and also i would LOVE for you to suggest more questions to add that would be helpful, since my mind is blank right now. I would really appreciate feedback from EVERYONE.

Child Loss Survey

My hope I that through the results of this survey, other women will know that their feelings are normal and that they are not alone. The survey results will be posted on my website and will be completely confidential. Please take a few minutes and answer each question as best you can. Skip any you don’t wish to answer.

1) How many losses have you had?

2) How far along were you?

3) Did you “feel” or know what the sex was?

4) Did you name the baby regardless if you knew the sex?

5) What were some emotions that you experienced right after your loss?

6) One month after?

7) Six months after?

8) One year after?

9) What were some of your fears and worries of the future?

10) What things do you wish people had said or done?

11) What things were helpful that people said or did?

12)

 

[dicentra spectabilis]

why?

 

[free2b]

1) How many losses have you had? 1

2) How far along were you? 13 weeks

3) Did you “feel” or know what the sex was? yes, a girl

4) Did you name the baby regardless if you knew the sex? yes

5) What were some emotions that you experienced right after your loss? anger, confusion, depression, very alone, blaming myself

6) One month after? very alone, still angry and still blaming myself

7) Six months after? a lot of the same but much milder...understanding why it happened

8) One year after? fully accepted it, still made me sad

9) What were some of your fears and worries of the future? that I would have another...my biggest fear! I didn't think I could handle another.

10) What things do you wish people had said or done? I wish people wouldn't have tried so hard to avoid the subject...people became so hard to talk to, I wish people were more comfortable around me

11) What things were helpful that people said or did? Just being there! Some people helped me to carry on with everyday things...or just let me rant, question and let out my emotions.

 

[PegasusOnFire]

1) How many losses have you had? I had one loss

2) How far along were you? 8 Weeks 3 days

3) Did you “feel” or know what the sex was? I felt like it was a boy

4) Did you name the baby regardless if you knew the sex? yes, we named the baby Corey Lee

5) What were some emotions that you experienced right after your loss? lost, completely lost. Anger at myself, my husband, anyone that came near me at that time. I went though a deep depression.

6) One month after? Same, but also numb, emotionally. I tried to cut myself off from family and friends.

7) Six months after? Alittle better, though still depressed, I also felt guilt, because I was pregnant again, and that baby was healthy.

8) One year after? Total surrender, I totally surrendered Corey to God, and felt so much peace about where he/she was. I was also able to focus on my new baby.

9) What were some of your fears and worries of the future? I was terrified that it would happen again when I got pregnant again.

10) What things do you wish people had said or done? I wish people wouldn't have asked me how I felt all the time, it got to be to much for me. also I wished that people wouldn't have told me that I was young and could have more babies, I didn't want that, I wanted the baby that I lost.

11) What things were helpful that people said or did? My mom came down and was with me when I had the D&C, and my husband held me and cried with me. That was really helpful, that he grieved with me.

 

[Picture.Of.Obedience]

why?

why what? why am i doing this? I am doing this so that other women who have miscarried can see the questions and responses and know that what they are feeling is normal. I also posted here so you all can give me suggestions as to what other questions you might think will be helpful to them.

 

[Manders2]

1) How many losses have you had? 1

2) How far along were you? 39 and 1/2 weeks

3) Did you “feel” or know what the sex was? Yes Beautiful baby boy

4) Did you name the baby regardless if you knew the sex? Had his name picked out 6 months prior to concieving him

5) What were some emotions that you experienced right after your loss? ANGER being the first and most powerful hurt saddness heartache

6) One month after? ache to hold my baby boy

7) Six months after? It started getting a lil better by 6 months...I didnt cry nearly as much!!!

8) One year after? A lot of emotions came back because it was his first birthday and I just found out I was pregnant again 3 days after his first birthday and my sister had just given birth to a healthy baby so a lot of emotions were going thru my head at that time!!!

9) What were some of your fears and worries of the future? Never having a living child!!! Losing all the rest of my babies at the last minute!!!

10) What things do you wish people had said or done? Not really sure I will have to come back to this one...

11) What things were helpful that people said or did? Just hugged me and let me cry on there shoulders!!!


I will think of some more ?'s and let you know!!!

 

[Manders2]

also I wished that people wouldn't have told me that I was young and could have more babies, I didn't want that, I wanted the baby that I lost.

Yes Yes I forgot about this one...Although when we were at the hospital and we had JUST found out that Mikey had indeed died I told Craig we would have more children and after I said that I could have kicked myself in the BUTT because just like him I didnt want any other baby at that time all I wanted was my SON MIKEY!!! I never told him that again but I didnt know what else to say and I was soooo scared myself having to be the one to go thru with labor and give birth to a dead baby was terrifying!!!

 

[New Creation]

Are you only interested in women who have miscarried to specify your survey?

 

[Picture.Of.Obedience]

Are you only interested in women who have miscarried to specify your survey?

anyone who has expierenced child loss in any way

 

[dicentra spectabilis]

1) How many losses have you had?

one

2) How far along were you?

9 1/2 weeks

3) Did you “feel” or know what the sex was?

no

4) Did you name the baby regardless if you knew the sex?

no

5) What were some emotions that you experienced right after your loss?

guilt, sadness, and not an emotion, but denial: I didn't want to believe it was really happening/had happened

6) One month after?

I got pneumonia 2 days after the miscarriage and I was trying to salvage a semester's worth of coursework: I lost one point per hour off my final grade for the time I missed, since the m/c started during one of my clinicals (lost a total of 11 points, ended up going from a high A to barely passing by 4 points. I started two back-to-back maternal/childbirth rotations a week after the m/c. I suppose I was mostly keeping myself so busy I couldn't think. I was numb. My OB/GYN told me to take a HPT a month after to make sure it was negative. That was hard.

7) Six months after?

Discouraged. I expected to conceive again right away, as soon as my month of back-up b/c was over. I didn't expect to still be not-pregnant after 6 months.

8) One year after?

It hasn't been a year yet, it's been 7 1/2 months. Mother's Day was really hard for me, especially since my due date was the same week. I spent about 3 hours crying my eyes out on Mother's Day. I thought I was kind of over it until then. I worked on my due date, and I didn't really think about it much that day. I probably would have been a wreck if I hadn't been at work, but I leave myself at the door when I go in to work, and I guess that helped protect me. I guess I've settled in for the long haul now. I'm hoping to be pregnant still (I'm actually in my fertile time right now) but I'm sort of starting to lose hope. I'm hoping to make it through a month without wasting a HPT before it's even time to test. I guess you could say I'm cautiously optimistic, but not getting my hopes up by any means.

9) What were some of your fears and worries of the future?

never being able to conceive again, or worse yet, losing another one

10) What things do you wish people had said or done?

My family doctor told me, "don't worry, you're young, you can have more babies." If I hadn't had pneumonia, I think I would have blackened his eye. Actually, I don't think the pneumonia is what stopped me, I think it was the shock that someone would actually say such an insensitive thing (4 days post m/c). The doctor that diagnosed the m/c was an insensitive lout too.

The point-loss situation at school gave me a whole lot of extra stress I didn't need.

11) What things were helpful that people said or did?

I think my friends and family did everything right. It helped me alot to hear the stories from other people who had miscarriages, especially ones who have healthy children now. It was nice to have been left alone for a few days. My MIL and SIL sent flowers. My MIL made soup and brought it, but she only stayed for a few minutes, then left. My mother picked me up from the office when I found out (my car was broken down at the time) and drove me home, then cleaned my kitchen while I slept. She ran out and got me big maxi pads and brought back flowers too. Nobody expected anything of me for a few days. There was nothing I could do about my lost points, so I just coasted in autopilot for a few days.

 

[New Creation]

1) How many losses have you had?
one

2) How far along were you?
almost 3 months

3) Did you “feel” or know what the sex was?
I "knew" it was a boy

4) Did you name the baby regardless if you knew the sex?
Yes I named him
5) What were some emotions that you experienced right after your loss?
numbness. Lonliness, extreme sadness and guilt. I repressed most of it almost immediately. I had to write an exam the following day and was totally not there. Everybody treated me like a pariah afterwards.

6) One month after?
Started to drink. Ignored my feelings

7) Six months after?
Same thing

8) One year after?
A year after I was right into the party life drinking and doing a lot of drugs

9) What were some of your fears and worries of the future?
My fears are that I'll never have a baby.

10) What things do you wish people had said or done?
I wish that I had been offered an option to keep my baby. I wish I would have been told about the reality of abortion. I wish my parents or ANYBODY for that matter would have been comforting in any way

11) What things were helpful that people said or did?
Nothing anybody did or said was helpful

 

[heron]

My responses aren't about a miscarriage, but a SIDS loss.

1) How many losses have you had?

One, although I almost miscarried him earlier in the pregnancy and wondered if maybe there were twins. In the hospital, they were ready to vacuum him and I said, "did you check the heartbeat?" "Oh, no, we forgot." He was fine.

2) How far along were you?

I'm breaking the rules, this was a newborn, six weeks old.

3) Did you “feel” or know what the sex was?

No...actually, maybe. I felt very connected.

4) Did you name the baby regardless if you knew the sex?

NA

5) What were some emotions that you experienced right after your loss?

Terror, guilt, darkness, fear that people would blame me, upset over too many people around, had to get out of town to escape everything. My most embarrassing one--Why were time and effort wasted in this way? I can imagine that multiple miscarriagers would feel so exhaused by despair.

6) One month after?

Angry that everyone made it their loss.
Angry that people kept telling me to try again.

7) Six months after?

Upset that people kept reminding me, using only that to bring up conversation like "how's the weather." Nobody talked to me like a normal person for almost a year. I was asked to stop teaching sunday school because it reminded the kids of death--when I only mentioned it only the first week, to let the kids know what was going on. I have no idea what that was all about.

8) One year after?

Blocked a lot of it. Not ready for another pregnancy, "maybe ever."


9) What were some of your fears and worries of the future?

When I had more kids, I woke up with every noise, and lost a lot of sleep. People said that I needed to let the baby cry 20 minutes--yeah, right! My doctor offered a monitor, suggesting that it might do more harm than good...it made me feel so cared for that he respected my feelings either way.


10) What things do you wish people had said or done?

Drop off something nice without needing to come in and visit.
Send things that don't need thank you cards back
Offer to come in and screen my calls.
NOT say "Don't worry, you'll have another," as if my child was a new car or a sack of flour.
NOT show up at my doorstep to dump their own fears and frustrations, if I hardly knew them.
Just be my friend, unrelated to the shock.


11) What things were helpful that people said or did?

"It wasn't your fault." Had to hear it over and over, because I honestly thought they were lying.
Since the baby wasn't a miscarriage, we had a funeral and loads of people showed up. Lots of people sent cards. (At the time, we really could have used the dollar they spent on the cards. But the cards were a great support.)
A funeral parlor offered free burial. That was one of the most touching things, even though we knew it was related to marketing. It felt like they understood how different that kind of loss can be from a long-term illness, even though that is so much more grueling.

I have to admit that I was insensitive for a long time when others told me about their miscarriages, and I treated them as if they hadn't experienced the real thing. This was wrong and arrogant of me, because the only difference was that I had the priviledge to meet my child.

 

[IsItI?]

1) How many losses have you had? One

2) How far along were you? Around 6-8 weeks

3) Did you “feel” or know what the sex was? I strongly felt it was he.

4) Did you name the baby regardless if you knew the sex? Yes, Michael.

5) What were some emotions that you experienced right after your loss?
I knew it wasn't a hurtful thing by God, but there was a popular song
out that talked about God knowing you before you were born, in your
mother's womb, that made me feel terrible. Still hurts to hear it.
6) One month after? Just as bad.

7) Six months after? Better, I had a dream, that told me I would have
another child, and that my children were all given to me by God, but
that I gave them back to Him. Felt comfort from the dream.

8) One year after? Was OK, still sad at times, but OK.

9) What were some of your fears and worries of the future? No fears or
worries about the future, more questions about the past. Always why?

10) What things do you wish people had said or done? Not sure. Just quiet
understanding was fine. It was too private to want attention for me.

11) What things were helpful that people said or did? Hearing about how
many other women had miscarriages was helpful. I had no idea that it
happened so often. Doctors said the number is probably much higher,
but women never knew they were pregnant. I knew because I wanted
it so bad.

12)[/QUOTE]

 

[MG]

I have to admit that I was insensitive for a long time when others told me about their miscarriages, and I treated them as if they hadn't experienced the real thing. This was wrong and arrogant of me, because the only difference was that I had the priviledge to meet my child.

Losing a child turns us into a completely different person. In the beginning, it seems to be a nature of coldness, bitterness, and numbness. The sky could cave in and we could care less. But then, remarkably, when the dark cloud fades, and the sun peeks through, we see the world around us with a new light.

I often think that the person that emerges is exactly who God wants us to be. Sometimes it takes a few months, sometimes a few years, but no one who has lost a child can say that it did not change their heart. No matter how they lost thier child.

 

[MG]

5) What were some emotions that you experienced right after your loss?
I knew it wasn't a hurtful thing by God, but there was a popular song
out that talked about God knowing you before you were born, in your
mother's womb, that made me feel terrible. Still hurts to hear it.

11) What things were helpful that people said or did? Hearing about how
many other women had miscarriages was helpful. I had no idea that it
happened so often. Doctors said the number is probably much higher,
but women never knew they were pregnant. I knew because I wanted
it so bad.

Welcome to CF.

 

[bornagain-053184]

here hunnie here is my answeres to ur survey....

1) How many losses have you had? One

2) How far along were you? 19 weeks almost 5 months

3) Did you “feel” or know what the sex was?i think it was a little girl but im not sure.... i was caring high so...

4) Did you name the baby regardless if you knew the sex?if it was a girl it was going to be named Nevaeh Marie (nevaeh is heaven spelled backwards) and if it was a boy ir was goig to be Jason Michael or Xaviour Michael

5) What were some emotions that you experienced right after your loss?oh u know... extream sadness...

6) One month after? same

7) Six months after? same

8) One year after? same it was one yr ago on May 17th

9) What were some of your fears and worries of the future? im not too sure yet

10) What things do you wish people had said or done?

11) What things were helpful that people said or did?
not too much i got flowers on my one yr. my firends were there for me.. my family are there for me now but i didnt tell them till renceltly since i was only 19 and i was sepreated from the father. he has been giving me alot of greife aboyut the issue
12)[/QUOTE]

 

[heron]

Isn't it amazing how many people had a sense of the gender?

MG, so true. It came a few years after I'd prayed a lot of character-building requests (ha) and in the middle of other circumstantial realizations that I did not control life and success. It felt as though I'd brought someone into this life just so they could take form and move on to better things.

IsItI, what a nice dream to have. God knows just what we need. I had a similar song reaction, one that played over and over on the radio.

Bornagain, that was so nice of your friends to remember the one year anniversary.

Christie, "people became so hard to talk to"--it's sad that this is a common thread. When you need people the most, they get all goofy on you.

Pegasus, "asked me how I felt all the time," yeah, that too. Some of us had to move on to busy lives, and that seemed condescending, as if we were nonfunctional and immobilized.

New Creation, how did you ever take an exam the next day? "Pariah" --I've seen that in people so many times, also in myself when I don't know what would help people and try not to offend. It seems that most of the responses show that we need people to be naturally friendly, take time for us without pushing, and be strong in loving instead of fearful and cautious.

Manders, 39 weeks! That's so sad, especially going through labor. I remember that fear of "losing all the rest of my babies..." I also feared going through what you went through.

dicentra spectabilis, it seems that everyone's doctor says it that way, and I've never heard anyone happy with that statement. Although it's the doctors job to inform us of the facts. I also wondered about the women who had unwanted pregnancies--do they hear that too? Maybe we should send this to the medical community.

 

[Hisrosebud]

1) How many losses have you had?
2
2) How far along were you?

3) Did you “feel” or know what the sex was?
yes, both were girls.
4) Did you name the baby regardless if you knew the sex?
yes.
5) What were some emotions that you experienced right after your loss?
pain,shame,guilt, loss,anger, fear,deep pain.
6) One month after?
same.
7) Six months after?
the first one, I was healing quickly, I had a dream that Jesus had her in his arms and all was well. I was pregnant with my son.
not after the second one, I was pregnant and freaking out over everything.
8) One year after?
I am still not ok with that second loss. I had to bring the baby in for an autopsy-I had the prayer team leader tell me in the middle of the miscarriage that if I had enough faith this would not have to happen....
9) What were some of your fears and worries of the future?
That I would never be able to have another child. That I could not carry a female baby.
10) What things do you wish people had said or done?
I wish that my church family were loving, offered meals, prayers or anything. The first miscarriage that I had, I was employed. My co-workers gave me cards, flowers, stuffed animals. I felt so loved by them, it helped me heal. I was a SAHM with my second one, the church was too busy with their "vision" for a new building. I was told that it was happening because of lack of faith. I was alone, isolated and terrified. I developed an infection with the second one, needed a D&C, was so depressed. One woman called the child welfare system- did not believe that someone could have two miscarriages without spousal abuse (absolutely rediculous) so the day I came home from the D& C I was under investigation for child abuse. Charges were dropped, I am a social worker and have had many foster children. The betrayal by that friend has left me scarred in ways that I can not describe. I just lost a second baby and was terrified that they were going to take away the two children that I had.
11) What things were helpful that people said or did?
The first miscarriage-- my co workers were loving. Hearing about how common miscarriages are was helpful.

Here is the irony of my story; I thought I would get pregnant on my honeymoon-not. I was due Jan 1,2000. Lost the baby May 19th. I was pregnant quickly and had Caleb on May 17th 2000.

Got pregnant again, baby due Jan. 2003. Lost the baby (I kid you not) May, Memorial day weekend 2003. I got pregnant and had Hannah May 15th 2003.

My wedding anniversary is May 16th.

So one child is a day before our anniversary and one a day after. I figure, GOD has got to be in control-- he knew my husband could only remember one time a year LOL.

May He give healing to you all, to all of us.
Jane

 

[Picture.Of.Obedience]

thank you for all your responses