Could use some advice...

[MeekOne]

This is a serious problem for me. I am a person who doesn't usually ask for advice, but decided to try here believing I would get some nice people to help my condition of shyness when it comes to men. Let me explain why I think I am still single. I work full-time, I have a teenage daughter who I devote most of my time to, when I am not devoting my time to her, I devote my time to the Lord in study. Then add to that cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. We have several singles groups in my church, but when I go, we talk about the Lord and leave for big church. If a man smiles at me who I find attractive, I actually get really nervous, squirm inside and head for the door, unless he engages me in small talk, I am fine.

I evangelize to people as my ministry and have no problem talking to men I don't know or women for that matter about the Lord. When it comes to face to face striking up conversation with men otherwise, sometimes I just don't know what to say and freeze up. Something actually happens to me where I have to get out of the situation.

Sometimes I wonder if I have a mental block or something. As much as I want a man in my life, and I pray about this very often, another part of me says this kind of thing may happen to me because I don't want a man in my life...fear of being hurt. Does anyone else feel like this? Has anyone else had this kind of thing happen to them?

Examples...a man will smile at me, I will smile back, and immediately get out of the situation.

a man will look at me from across the room...sort of deeply, and I ignore it....(not in a rude way, just sort of like I don't see him)

a man will say something nice to me, and I will just say thank you, and walk away.

What's wrong with me?

 

[wildthing]

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Perhaps at one time some guy might of hurt you in the past. and that you are a little leary of them.

Gee I don't know how to tell on getting over being shy. Perhaps making small talk with a non threating guy

 

[BeautyForAshes]

You're just shy and there is nothing wrong with that. Really, the only way to overcome shyness is to become comfortable enough to carry on small talk with a stranger. The only way to do that is to practice.

You can start small....say, the next time you're waiting in line, try striking up a small/quick convo with the person next to you. It doesn't have to be anything long and drawn out - the purpose is to just get you use to being talking with a stranger, doesn't matter if its a man or woman.

 

[soblessed53]

Hello sis,your profile does not say how old you are,but I think that you believe that you have a serious problem. Have you taken this to Jesus? I think He can give you the answers that you are seeking. Have you ever spoken to a therapist about it? The only advice I would dare to give you is to PRAY about it, and try both. It also wouldn't hurt to request prayer to find your answers and be delivered. I will pray for you my sister. God Bless and Love In Christ,Chris

 

[MeekOne]

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Perhaps at one time some guy might of hurt you in the past. and that you are a little leary of them.

Gee I don't know how to tell on getting over being shy. Perhaps making small talk with a non threating guy

Hello Wildthing! Thanks for responding.

See, the thing is, I have no problem talking to non-threatening men, in other words men I wouldn't have a problem saying no to. I think my little light is coming on now.....see----->

It must be because I have been celebate for several years now, that I am afraid if I were to go out on a date with one of the very attrative ones, I might not be able to let the Holy Spirit intervene when it would be needed most if you get my drift. I want to hold onto my Christian beliefs so dearly that I protect that so fiercely inside that I don't even let myself get too close for comfort. I think that is my problem. It all makes sense to me now.

Wow, thank you all for your input, BeautyforAshes and soblessed53 for your prayers too, I could use them.

Okay, so now I know why...any suggestions on what I can do about it? This is a real catch 22, I want a man, but am afraid to get close to one because I fear I wouldn't be able to control myself in an intimate setting.

Although, believe me, I have controlled myself many times when I needed to. Actually, the Holy Spirit has intervened in just the appropriate time, to make sure I didn't sin.

So what in the world is my problem? Sorry for all this information, but I could really still use some help here.

Thank you for your responses thus far.

 

[Tumbleweed64]

So you engage in small talk, light conversation, with someone you feel comfortable with, invite them out for ice cream, or just coffee, and see where it goes from there

 

[Sojourner<><]

Being a guy, I totally would get the impression that you aren't interested. But I don't think there's anything wrong with you.

May be that's a good thing as sort of a first line of defense to sort out all the riff raff until you find someone special. You seem to have your life in order... if you had a man come into your life he would have to add to it some how and not complicate things.

Have you asked the Lord to lead you in this area? Why am I asking? I'm sure you have. Well, the Lord led me to someone really special after I had spent a couple years avoiding women because of my past. When I met her I knew it was her and suddenly that cold shoulder thing just sort of disappeared because I didn't need it anymore.

 

[MeekOne]

So you engage in small talk, light conversation, with someone you feel comfortable with, invite them out for ice cream, or just coffee, and see where it goes from there

I think one of my biggest problems is my mind works very fast, and it fast forwards into the future....its the see where it goes from there that it is certain does not want to go, and it backfires on me. I will try harder to stop that from happening. Thank you for your advice, it is appreciated.

 

[MeekOne]

Being a guy, I totally would get the impression that you aren't interested. But I don't think there's anything wrong with you.

May be that's a good thing as sort of a first line of defense to sort out all the riff raff until you find someone special. You seem to have your life in order... if you had a man come into your life he would have to add to it some how and not complicate things.

Have you asked the Lord to lead you in this area? Why am I asking? I'm sure you have. Well, the Lord led me to someone really special after I had spent a couple years avoiding women because of my past. When I met her I knew it was her and suddenly that cold shoulder thing just sort of disappeared because I didn't need it anymore.

I think you hit it on the head with this advice too! Thank you. I have asked the Lord to lead me in this area. I hope the same thing happens to me.

Yes, the man that would be right for me would definitely have to add to my life, and honestly the only thing he would have to add is himself, and I think I have some pretty high standards. Let's see, if we were to list them, they would be:

1. Has to have a hunger for the Lord and His Word.
2. Has to be a born again believer in Christ.
3. Has to want to live for the Lord and strive for righteousness.
4. Has to be able to understand I have a teenage daughter.
4. Has to be an interesting man.
6. Has to be a manly type man, not too sensitive, but sensitive enough.
7. Has to have something attractive about him.
8. Has to have a job.
9. Has to have some kind of reliable transportation.
10. Has to have a home.
11. Has to be appreciative of the little things.
12. Has to refrain from alcohol, etc.

I could go on, but I'm sure you all get my drift. Just the first top 3 will rule out more than 75% of the men around. Then the rest is just more of the same. It is a weary thing trying to find the right one for you. Maybe my criteria is too high? See, but with the right guy, it wouldn't be too high, it would just be him.

In trying to find this out, you have to date, and I find that, especially the attractive ones, do not have most of what is on this criteria list.

So, this is what I am up against, I have a mental block of fear, shyness, whatever you want to call it for fear of sin with an attractive man, but then I tell myself, he probably cannot even come close to most of the things above.

I'm a mess. I do have baggage. Will the Lord ever give me the man I need? I'm bummed. I will pray again, but for now, I'm just disappointed in myself. You know, you come so far in your life, do so many things, have so much, and then you realize, you have very little if you do not have the love that you need. Okay, I've bared my heart to you all now. Thanks again.

 

[soblessed53]

Dear MeekOne you stated "It must be because I have been celebate for several years now, that I am afraid if I were to go out on a date with one of the very attrative ones, I might not be able to let the Holy Spirit intervene when it would be needed most if you get my drift. I want to hold onto my Christian beliefs so dearly that I protect that so fiercely inside that I don't even let myself get too close for comfort. I think that is my problem. It all makes sense to me now.
Okay, so now I know why...any suggestions on what I can do about it? This is a real catch 22, I want a man, but am afraid to get close to one because I fear I wouldn't be able to control myself in an intimate setting."

That makes perfect sense to me,as I have "Been There,Dealt With That",PLEASE read my post how I dealt with it through Jesus in my post in the thread "
isn't there anyone in the whole wide world that thinks Jesus alone is enough?"

 

[MeekOne]

That makes perfect sense to me,as I have "Been There,Dealt With That",PLEASE read my post how I dealt with it through Jesus in my post in the thread "
isn't there anyone in the whole wide world that thinks Jesus alone is enough?"

Thank you for responding. I read your post, and our situations sound somewhat similar. However, I am not ready to be alone for the rest of my life. I know what you are going to say, you are not going to be alone if you have Jesus, and I know this, but I mean physically, here on earth.

Let me explain to you how much I love the Lord since this may be in question. I live for Him, daily, no hourly, no minute by minute. He is my all in all. His Word is always with me, even in my bed at night. I am totally and completely devoted to Him and His work.

Having said all that, I feel it absolutely necessary to share Him here on earth with a man, a future husband.

Hopefully, you can understand where I am coming from now.

Thank you again for responding, but it is not an answer for me. Should you have a practical solution to my difficulties it would be appreciated and welcomed.

 

[soblessed53]

Oh yes, Please believe me,I do understand exactly where you are coming from,but I am not sure that you understand me. i just meant for you to read my post how I asked God to take my desire for a man away,Unless/Until He brought Mr. right and I together! After all, I was only 47 when suddenly my sex life was ended with no warning. I had tried dating but it was a huge disappointment for me as there just wasn't anything that attracted me to these men. I think I was still too much in love with my husband for one thing. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I have full confidence that if the Lord has someone in mind for me,THEN He will return those feelings to me for him,and that way I will know. Wouldn't you like to know that you can go out and not worry about getting into trouble because your passion is in God's hands? Ask Him to free you from those desires so you can stay in His will until you and Mr. Right are in a relationship.

 

[MeekOne]

Oh yes, Please believe me,I do understand exactly where you are coming from,but I am not sure that you understand me. i just meant for you to read my post how I asked God to take my desire for a man away,Unless/Until He brought Mr. right and I together! After all, I was only 47 when suddenly my sex life was ended with no warning. I had tried dating but it was a huge disappointment for me as there just wasn't anything that attracted me to these men. I think I was still too much in love with my husband for one thing. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I have full confidence that if the Lord has someone in mind for me,THEN He will return those feelings to me for him,and that way I will know. Wouldn't you like to know that you can go out and not worry about getting into trouble because your passion is in God's hands? Ask Him to free you from those desires so you can stay in His will until you and Mr. Right are in a relationship.

I know you are trying to help, and I appreciate that, but I am not you. I hope you can take this with the sincerity it is given with, I do not want God to take my desire for a man away. Thanks for your care, concern and response. Please understand that I am not where you are, and I don't want to be. Not that it is a bad thing mind you, it is just not my answer. Thanks again.

 

[soblessed53]

Well ok, I don't understand how you are going to solve your fear of slipping if you absolutely do not want God to even temporarily remove your desire,but I understand that you do not want my advice. So I will just pray for you.

 

[Goldmane]

Hi MeekOne,

When I was younger I experienced a problem similar to yours, working up the courage to talk to a girl I liked. I finally realized I was just going to have to step outside my comfort zone and make myself do it. Whenever I met a girl I kind of liked, and thought I'd like to talk to, I wouldn't let myself off the hook; I forced myself to go over and say something to her. Everyone's heart is different, and you're also on the other end of the situation in terms of talking to guys who approach you, but it may be that you'll just have to pray for courage and guidance and dive on in.

When someone does approach you try to slow your thoughts down; don't view them as a possible mate; just as a possible friend. The best romances start off that way in my opinion. My Lady and I were good friends before we ever fell in love and being in love with your best friend is a wonderful thing.

I think your list is great! For one thing, keeping "control" isn't just your responsibility and if you go out with Christian guys they have just as much of an obligation to keep things on a Godly course as you do. You said you're in a singles group at your church, but have you checked to see if there are any Christian singles groups in your city? In some places they have Christian singles that come from a variety of churches to meet in a group not associated with just one church which gives them, and would give you, the chance to meet new Christian singles.

Anyway, I will be keeping you in prayer that God does bring the right person into your life soon.

Your brother in Christ,

Goldmane

 

[Jenster]

I'm jumping into this conversation belatedly, but I really relate to your situation, MeekOne. I do the same thing. I think, "Am I playing hard to get? Or am I afraid of love?"

I have no problem talking with safe men - those who won't possibly ask me out, such as the married brothers at church. (By this I mean talking in a casual sisterly way -- certainly not as anything flirtateous.)

So I think part of my situation is that I'm afraid of HAVING TO REJECT a man. That's because I've had problems with men in the past not accepting my wishes. Or I feel badly that I'm not interested. Maybe that reflects low self-esteem on my part, or just plain old wimpiness!

I'm also learning that it has to do with not quite trusting my own boundaries. Do I know what I want? And do I know what I do NOT want? And do I know how to communicate that to someone else?

I fear that I can't communicate well what I want, so I am afraid to try. So...that's why I'm not very open to men! Sadly ...

Would welcome any advice on how to better know what I want!

 

[bvwsmaker]

I think I scored 8-10 out of your twelve! (Being interesting and having something that's attractive about me would depend upon your evaluation.) The only 2 no's are not having a home and the manly man thing (I'm a sensitive one (a momma's boy), but only because I have a distorted perception of what a real man is - I vowed not to be like the father figures I had - though I'm learning what a godly man can be (and seeing wonderful examples!), now I just need to learn to change the tapes and start new ones in my memory). Though I am naturally athletic!

And even though I'm unique (aren't we all!), there's probably a few guys with similar experiences that might meet a lot of the criteria on your list. Maybe there's at least one that isn't quite so damaged. Good luck on God crossing your paths someday!!!

 

[archigeek]

Life is full of risks, and dating is just as full of risk as anything else if not more than most things. But you have to be willing to jump in with both feet and take those risks.

You have a good idea of what you want in a man. Take the risk that you might make some mistake. You seem strong enough to resist that temptation. You're able to talk about it and that is a huge step right there. Stop being afraid of falling short of your own expectations for purity and go out and date a nice man. Personally I don't think you'll have that problem. You're too strong.

As far as getting things started is concerned. One of the best ways is to start with conversation on a subject you are comfortable with. Consider that the discussion is not a date, nor a solicitation for a date, it is just getting to know someone a little bit and sharing your views with him. A good man will appreciate that. You can get to know him pretty well without even going out on a date, and he can get an idea of where you are coming from and therefore know if you might be right for him too. A conversation after church once, twice, then maybe a third time you go out with a small group. There is safety in numbers! THEN if all things seem fine, go out on a date with him. You don't have to start out full tilt, "this is the man I want and now I'm going to pursue him". If you do, most likely he'll run in the opposite direction anyway. Take it slowly, for yourself and for him too.

And the last thing I'll say is that God loves you and will forgive any sin you commit. There is comfort in that knowledge.

 

[MeekOne]

Life is full of risks, and dating is just as full of risk as anything else if not more than most things. But you have to be willing to jump in with both feet and take those risks.

You have a good idea of what you want in a man. Take the risk that you might make some mistake. You seem strong enough to resist that temptation. You're able to talk about it and that is a huge step right there. Stop being afraid of falling short of your own expectations for purity and go out and date a nice man. Personally I don't think you'll have that problem. You're too strong.

As far as getting things started is concerned. One of the best ways is to start with conversation on a subject you are comfortable with. Consider that the discussion is not a date, nor a solicitation for a date, it is just getting to know someone a little bit and sharing your views with him. A good man will appreciate that. You can get to know him pretty well without even going out on a date, and he can get an idea of where you are coming from and therefore know if you might be right for him too. A conversation after church once, twice, then maybe a third time you go out with a small group. There is safety in numbers! THEN if all things seem fine, go out on a date with him. You don't have to start out full tilt, "this is the man I want and now I'm going to pursue him". If you do, most likely he'll run in the opposite direction anyway. Take it slowly, for yourself and for him too.

And the last thing I'll say is that God loves you and will forgive any sin you commit. There is comfort in that knowledge.

Now this is some great advice. Thank you very much for taking the time to respond. It is just what I needed to hear. I will take this advice in and try it out.

 

[soblessed53]

Life is full of risks, and dating is just as full of risk as anything else if not more than most things. But you have to be willing to jump in with both feet and take those risks.

You have a good idea of what you want in a man. Take the risk that you might make some mistake. You seem strong enough to resist that temptation. You're able to talk about it and that is a huge step right there. Stop being afraid of falling short of your own expectations for purity and go out and date a nice man. Personally I don't think you'll have that problem. You're too strong.

As far as getting things started is concerned. One of the best ways is to start with conversation on a subject you are comfortable with. Consider that the discussion is not a date, nor a solicitation for a date, it is just getting to know someone a little bit and sharing your views with him. A good man will appreciate that. You can get to know him pretty well without even going out on a date, and he can get an idea of where you are coming from and therefore know if you might be right for him too. A conversation after church once, twice, then maybe a third time you go out with a small group. There is safety in numbers! THEN if all things seem fine, go out on a date with him. You don't have to start out full tilt, "this is the man I want and now I'm going to pursue him". If you do, most likely he'll run in the opposite direction anyway. Take it slowly, for yourself and for him too.

And the last thing I'll say is that God loves you and will forgive any sin you commit. There is comfort in that knowledge.

As to your last sentence,-how do you think God feels about "pre-meditated" sin,planning on sinning? That is exactly what it sounds like you are advocating! Go ahead and go out, and it is no big deal if you end up fornicating because God will forgive you! I am sorry if this is NOT what you mean,but that is exactly how it sounds.