Could I have OCD?

[Sunrise78]

I have been reading some of the posts here in the OCD forum and I am wondering if I have OCD, particularly in the area of distressing thoughts about my faith. I have struggled with doubting my salvation from an early age. There was a point in my life when I didn't struggle so much with it but this past year it has come back in force.

Basically, I worry that I do not really believe, that maybe I am going through the motions or something. Like, what if I am just fooling myself into thinking that I REALLY believe? What if my heart is so hardened that I couldn't even really believe if I wanted to?

Also, sometimes I have thoughts that come into my mind that are sarcastic/doubting about God/my faith. The worst thing is that when I have an opportunity to witness I feel this horrible fear and often have this internal reaction of being ashamed of Christ. This is what I have struggled with for so long and it is what makes me wonder if I really believe - after all Jesus said that if we are ashamed of Him, He will be ashamed of us.

It is hard for me to say this, because I am ashamed of these feelings. All I want to do is to love God and to serve Him. I do not want to feel this way. I am afraid that if I tell anyone in my family or church they will tell me that it proves I am not saved. I have evidence of God working in my life. I am just afraid that I fall under the category of someone who has only "tasted the heavenly gift" (Heb. 6:4) and can't go any further.

I always think the worst about these things. I have had times in my life when I genuinely had joy in the Lord, but I just cannot stop thinking the worst these days. I know that these thoughts are not really rational, but it doesn't stop me from thinking this way. I am going to counseling currently but as these are not rational thoughts (and because of the above concerns) I have not brought them up, because I'm not sure that logic will make any difference.

(Also, I have Asperger's syndrome so I'm not sure whether one can have both Asperger's and OCD at the same time (though I think I have read that one can).)

Has anyone else ever had these sorts of thoughts/experiences?

 

[gracealone]

HI Sunrise,
Yes... this sounds very much like religious OCD of the pure "O" variety.
It's good that you are seeking professional advice. Now the tough part is that you have to open up about these thoughts to the counselor. You have to explain that they haunt you night and day and make you feel miserable inside. That they create tremendous, overwhelming gut wrenching anxiety inside of you. That the harder you try to rid yourself of them the more intense they become.
Do any of the above statements ring true for you? If yes... then it is very possible that you have OCD - but you cannot get diagnosed if you don't open up about the thoughts.
Also.. you are vunerable right now to any type of accusation from someone that these doubts might mean you really aren't saved. This can happen because many well meaning Christians aren't educated about OCD and will therefore label it as a spiritual problem. It would be wise to put off opening up about this with other Christians until you get professional advice from someone educated in psychological disorders of the brain. Not that you won't be eventually able to share about your OCD and in doing so help others as this is what this forum is for but for now you need to get diagnosed and begin the process of recovery.
Keep us posted and welcome to the forum. This forum has been a huge benefit to me as a source of encourgement and education with my own OCD.
I'm praying for you.
Mitzi

 

[Jacob4Jesus]

It sounds like you might have OCD or possibly another anxiety disorder. One important thing about OCD is to always realize that the terrible thoughts have to be accompanied by rituals that you do not enjoy that are intended to ward off the thoughts. If you don't have the rituals, there are plenty of other anxiety disorders that there could be though. I hope you don't have OCD, because I am sure that ever sufferer here will agree that it is a most terrible thing to have to deal with.

I do agree 100% with the above poster. It's best to get professional advice, because people have a tendency to diagnose themselves and are usually wrong. When I diagnosed myself before OCD, I thought I had schizophrenia and even went around telling people that.

I do hope you don't have it, but if you have it or any other anxiety disorders, there are wonderful people here to help you deal with it

 

[DruryGirl]

Sunrise,

Sounds to me like a very un-fun type of OCD known as "scrupulosity" (religious OCD). Lots of us here on the forums have it too (incl. me).

The fact that you have identified this as possible OCD is the first step to recovery. Please, talk to your doctor. There is help!

 

[Sunrise78]

Thanks for all your replies.

I am currently seeing a Christian counselor for other issues (related to AS) so I will try to bring these issues up next time I go. I just need prayer for courage to be honest and open about them.

 

[OptimisticSmile]

wow this sounded so much like me. everything you wrote I could have written. I do believe you have OCD of a "pure O" nature as well.

do you ever say the sinners prayer. I used to do this compusively . If you answer yes then that is more evidence for OCD. I used to pray a "sinners prayer " often even though it was so irrational and I know that salvation is not praying a prayer but simply trusting in Christ as savior.

another thing I did was ask my mom daily to pray for my salvation and before church services to pray that God would convict me and bring me to salvation. How irrational is that . I would also ask the same of people online and in forums.

 

[Sunrise78]

do you ever say the sinners prayer. I used to do this compusively . If you answer yes then that is more evidence for OCD. I used to pray a "sinners prayer " often even though it was so irrational and I know that salvation is not praying a prayer but simply trusting in Christ as savior.

I don't pray the sinner's prayer compulsively, but oftentimes I keep asking God to forgive me over and over again for specific sins even though I've already confessed and repented of them.

 

[DruryGirl]

Sunrise, repeated confession of past sins is classic scrupulosity. Proof that this is not Spirit conviction but simply irrational, nagging OCD. Glad you are getting counsel, will pray.

 

[OptimisticSmile]

asking forgivness repeatedly is another thing I do.