Conversational skills

[LovebirdsFlying]

Common scenario:

I share something funny from online with my husband. OR I tell him about something I saw happening. OR I'm venting any kind of emotion at all. The topic can be anything, from light-hearted fluff to deep philosophical recourse.

I say anywhere from a few words to a paragraph on the subject.

He says nothing. If it was a joke, he's not laughing. If it was a social outrage, he's not moved.

I'm puzzled by his lack of response. I even prompt him. "What do you think?"

"I have no opinion."

My brain translates this, "I wasn't paying attention to a word you said. You weren't talking about anything important enough to respond to."

If it happens again and again, no matter what the subject is, would you take it the same way?

 

[Ana the Ist]

Common scenario:

I share something funny from online with my husband. OR I tell him about something I saw happening. OR I'm venting any kind of emotion at all. The topic can be anything, from light-hearted fluff to deep philosophical recourse.

I say anywhere from a few words to a paragraph on the subject.

He says nothing. If it was a joke, he's not laughing. If it was a social outrage, he's not moved.

I'm puzzled by his lack of response. I even prompt him. "What do you think?"

"I have no opinion."

My brain translates this, "I wasn't paying attention to a word you said. You weren't talking about anything important enough to respond to."

If it happens again and again, no matter what the subject is, would you take it the same way?

I would. Do you ever test him to see if he was paying attention? You should ask him a question unrelated to the story entirely...if he doesn't pick up on that, he wasn't paying attention. For example, you relate a humorous story about something that happened at work.. his eyes appear to glaze over halfway through the story. Right when you get to the end you ask, "So will that do any damage to the engine?" That sort of question should grab his attention and he'll likely want to respond with some questions of his own to try and figure out what you did to the car without making it look like he paid no attention at all.

Is there a specific time when he seems to be paying less attention? While watching the game, eating, or shortly after he gets home from work? In all likelihood, it has nothing to do with you or your stories. I wouldn't take it personally just yet...not before looking into it.

 

[johndoo]

How open is he to instruction?
I saw a great video on this subject in youtube about reflective conversations and conversations in general.
You could simply say, " Honey, I'd like for you to give me some feedback when I talk to you. " (Elaborate if needed) " I'd like to hear your opinion, reaction, or experience. It helps me understand you and helps us stay close" Use your own words.

I have to admit, I've been your husband at times. But I usually have no response to avoid disagreements, arguements, war. I'm trying to do better.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Common scenario:

I share something funny from online with my husband. OR I tell him about something I saw happening. OR I'm venting any kind of emotion at all. The topic can be anything, from light-hearted fluff to deep philosophical recourse.

I say anywhere from a few words to a paragraph on the subject.

He says nothing. If it was a joke, he's not laughing. If it was a social outrage, he's not moved.

I'm puzzled by his lack of response. I even prompt him. "What do you think?"

"I have no opinion."

My brain translates this, "I wasn't paying attention to a word you said. You weren't talking about anything important enough to respond to."

If it happens again and again, no matter what the subject is, would you take it the same way?

The next time it happens say, "My brain translates this, "I wasn't paying attention to a word you said. You weren't talking about anything important enough to respond to."" Then be quiet and listen to his response.

 

[bluegreysky]

My hudband doesn't listen to me either so usually about 1/2 way through my monologue about the problems I'm trying to sort out, I switch over to complete nonsense about buying a castle in the sky and having a robot servant and a pet unicorn or just saying random words that don't go together or form an actual sentence and the game is "how long can I say this nonsense before he notices and is like "wayttttttt wut???" and I try to best my last record time. It sounds dumb but it makes a lighthearted game out of an otherwise seriously aggravating communication problem.

 

[.chrys.]

I'm one of the quietest people. Others remark that I rarely speak and seem "aloof" or uninterested. Some even go as far as saying I must think I'm too good for other people. The truth is, I often think my opinions are obvious observations and don't need to be discussed; sometimes, I know my opinion will greatly differ than the other person's, so instead of saying anything I just keep it to myself rather than get in an argument. I don't laugh a whole lot (out loud) and people find that rather irritating.

Maybe your husband just doesn't have anything more to offer to the conversation? Or doesn't want to hurt your feelings? Or, is preoccupied with other things on his mind?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I'm sure Chrys comes closer to evaluating the situation accurately than I do. After three or four attempts last night, I figured out I was just not going to be able to engage hubby in any kind of conversation with me. Now, he did not say this, but I was picturing his thoughts going like, "Oh, are you talking again? What are you babbling about this time? Blah, blah, blah."

Actually, I did end up doing as Autumnleaf suggested, and telling him exactly how my brain translates that. His answer was an offended, "I didn't say that. Don't put words in my mouth."

To which I had to remind him, "I didn't say you said it. I said my brain takes it that way."

Later he apologized for being a little cranky. He just wasn't feeling good, and was afraid he was going to get sick and have to miss work. In that case, what I would rather hear from him is, "I don't feel well enough to have a conversation right now." That would be a lot better than silence followed by "no opinion" pried out of him with a crowbar. Of course, that takes conversation skills, and if he had them, I wouldn't have started this thread.

Well, by then we were involved in another crisis concerning my daughter, and we had to concentrate on getting that taken care of--which it really hasn't been, yet. But I'll have to go to Recovery to post about it, since that's where it's relevant.

 

[WolfGate]

Yes, I would take it the same way. Probably because it is reality at that point in time. I've done it to my wife and she has done it to me. So I have lived both sides of that one.

Perhaps starting by saying "I'd like to share something with you if you are at a point where you can really listen." If they are, then share. If not, come back later.

 

[akmom]

When my husband does that, I cover up whatever screen he is looking at so he can't ignore me.

After that, I try to break up my "sharing" into digestible chunks. I'll tell him one thing at a time, and save my other thoughts for later, or even expand upon the same thought again later. Usually I do that when I'm talking about my day or an idea I have. Fortunately we share the same interests so we find ourselves talking a lot in general. But there are those other things that I'm just gushing to say, and his eyes glaze over, and I know it's time to keep it short and sweet.

Just the other day I was talking to another parent at a playground (whom I already knew) and she just kept talking. It's like she meant to say one thing and then her whole life story came out. I didn't even have a chance to reciprocate. And it was exhausting. I think men tend to get exhausted even sooner. It's one thing if he never listens to anything you say. But it's really not the same thing if you're talking his ear off...

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I am beginning to see that a lot of it may be catching him at an off time. We've only been married around five years, so I think we may still be adjusting. I'm learning how to read his signals--but he doesn't make it easy, as Spock-like as he can be. He just doesn't send clear signals.

Good communication connection tonight. He was in the bedroom watching a favorite show of his, when I received bad news online about a childhood friend. The accident that ended her life happened five months ago, but I just found out about it tonight. Well, it threw me. I went into the bedroom, saw that my husband was interested in the show, and waited a few minutes. When it didn't go to a commercial within a short time, and I was kind of antsy, I dropped a hint. "Is this on demand?" Because if it is, he can pause it.

As clueless as he can be sometimes, he caught the hint. "This is important, isn't it?" He hit pause, I sat down next to him, and told him what happened. I had already told him some stories about her, so I made sure to tell him it's the friend in those particular stories that I was talking about. Of course there's nothing he can *do.* But he listened, said the things you're supposed to say at a time like this ("sorry to hear it," etc.) and after a few minutes, although it may seem insensitive, asked me if it was OK to un-pause the program now. Sure, why not? So he kept watching his program, while holding me. I think he did the very best listening that he could do here.

RIP Karen.

 

[seeingeyes]

Later he apologized for being a little cranky. He just wasn't feeling good, and was afraid he was going to get sick and have to miss work. In that case, what I would rather hear from him is, "I don't feel well enough to have a conversation right now." That would be a lot better than silence followed by "no opinion" pried out of him with a crowbar. Of course, that takes conversation skills, and if he had them, I wouldn't have started this thread.

Tell him this.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I don't take things to personally if someone ignores me when I say something. Not unless its something very important.