Controlling Behavior

[Katie's Mom]

My husband and I have been married for 15 years. When we met each other, we had a lot of shared interests. We were runners and outdoor enthusiasts. I have struggled with anorexia for over 30 years. Something I will always struggle with, but though I struggle with food, I am able to manage a healthy weight. Growing up, I was taught that people who are overweight and eat too much are gross, worthless and lazy. I wholeheartedly admit that I have carried this thought into our marriage, which I know is unhealthy, wrong and controlling. For about ten years, I have controlled what foods are bought and served in our family because I fear that my husband will overeat, become obese and unattractive to me. (Our daughter passed away almost 4 years ago, which is a complete other thread, so we are the only two at home). I make comments to my husband when he chooses not to run or work out, which as of late he hardly every does. Yes, crazy, manipulating and controlling. A few weeks ago, he blew up, and rightly so. I told him what my fears were, which totally crushed him and I feel like the absolute worst person in the entire world. I see a Christian counselor regularly and we talked about how I need to move forward. I need to face my fears and stop controlling. I have it in my heart to do this, but when the situation arises, I flip out. I told him that I would not grocery shop for him anymore because I know I would control it. He went to the store the other day and bought all kinds of junk that I would never eat nor buy. I clenched up in fear and watched him eat a bunch of it. I'm praying everyday for God to help me and learn to love and accept him for who he is and the choices he makes. However, I'm not really attracted to him anymore because he's so different from the man I married. I fully admit that I am callous and have major issues, but I'm wondering if I'm too far gone in my behavior to save our marriage and wonder if I can really change. Some advice would be helpful.

 

[pdudgeon]

marriage counseling is in order here.
There are some very basic relationship issues here between the two of you that need to be sorted and corrected, so that your marriage can function as it should for both your sakes.

the binge eating and food shopping are just the surface symptoms of a deeper relational problem between the two of you, so correcting those won't actually help change what's still lurking at the bottom of this.

Getting a new start together and working on what it means to be married is what's in order.
Best wishes!

 

[mkgal1]

I'm sorry to read about your daughter. Have you spoken with your counselor about there possibly being a connection between that loss and your loss of attraction to your husband? Have your control issues increased after your loss? I write that, because often when we feel out of control of one area...we seek to control in another (and your husband isn't allowing that....). Could you have a bit of resentment from that?

 

[DZoolander]

Well, I think more than one shopping trip is in order before you start coming to conclusions on what he's going to be buying regularly. There's probably a healthy amount of spite in what he bought, and made a point of eating in front of you.

If I'd had that conversation with my wife, and she told me "go buy what you want", I'd probably come back with cheetos, ding dongs, etc...just to get under her skin. Not really mature, but hey, sometimes people aren't always mature. That doesn't mean I'd be making those things staples of my diet over the long haul though.

 

[akmom]

It does sound like your fear of overeating and obesity is on the obsessive side. But the truth is, for a lot of people, there isn't a whole lot of leeway. A bag of Cheetos won't do it, but a bag every night will, so where do you draw the line? Each night, do you make the call regarding how healthy to eat? That doesn't work out so well for most people. Your concerns are legitimate, even if overblown.

I think good health does require meal planning. Not just healthy groceries, but realistic choices and quantities. If you're still hungry at the end of the day, you're going to run out and get a bag of chips. If dinner was bland, you're going to make up for it the next day. So if you're shopping like a person who can just power through hunger pangs, because you're anorexic anyway, you're probably not shopping right for a husband who takes body image far less seriously.

Basically, I'm saying I don't think you're necessarily wrong to worry about your husband's health and fitness. I think women tend to be more thoughtful about meal planning than men, and you might not be "controlling" simply because you choose, purchase and prepare healthy meals. But they should be sufficient, nutritious and satisfying, and take into account your husband's preferences too. It can't just be a salad for dinner, with a side of self control. It doesn't have to be "buy whatever you want yourself, because I give up" either.

Let him have a binge day or two while you both cool off, then discuss meal planning together. Who doesn't like to talk about food? I ask my family what protein they want, what carb they want, what veggie they want. They brainstorm and vote, and I cook accordingly. I don't ask open questions, like what do you want to eat? Because my husband will just say nachos.

 

[AWomanNamedDamaris]

I, too have struggled with anorexia in the past. It is a painful condition that affects every aspect of one's life. You are projecting your own insecurities onto your husband. I know how hard it can be to shop for others when one is an anorexia survivor. Buying a lot of food can feel awful. But, it is important to remember that your husband needs more food than you.

I know you don't want him to get obese. My husband has become obese and it has negatively impacted our marriage. He is in extremely poor health right now and getting fatter everyday. Just looking at him can trigger all sorts of negative thought patterns in my head. This is my problem, not his.

What our husbands need is our love. This we can give despite our weaknesses. As hard as it is, I don't tell my husband what to eat and I very rarely mention his weight. When I do, I keep it brief and express only concern. He takes it well, when I am coming from a place of genuine caring.

I am obese right now too. I went from anorexic to obese. I have serious issues with food that are too great for me to handle alone. I have given this up to God and he is working wonders. I am steadily losing weight.

I fast and pray for guidance. My fast is not the starvation that I put myself through before. I am not depriving myself of food. Instead, I am allowing the Lord to fill me with His Love. He is releasing me from my negative relationship with food.

As I lose weight and make healthy choices, I do so as a silent example for my husband. I am hoping that he begins to make right choices because he wants to. If I were to pick on him, he would only eat more.

My husband and I used to go hiking all the time. Now, my husband gets winded walking around the house. I sometimes feel irritated to hear him weezing and to watch him waddle. Again, this is my problem, not his.

I have been exercising regularly. Sometimes, my husband becomes inspired to exercise too. I don't tell him to. He does it on his own.

You are praying to God. He will help you. You are aware of what you are doing wrong and are willing to change. Be patient with yourself. This is hard for the anorexic mind to do. I know. But, do not give up on yourself. You are making progress by acknowledging your weakness. God will not give up on you.

Yes, you can save your marriage. I have been watching shows on honoring my husband in a Godly way. I am praying everyday to show him more tenderness. It isn't easy. I snapped at him just today. But, I will not give up because the Lord has given him to me to care for.

Keep praying. Keep attending counseling. Keep working on your attitude. You may not be attracted to your husband right now. I know how that feels. I am right there with you. But, tell him once a day that you love him. Give him at least one hug and kiss a day. Compliment him on one thing each day.

I have only been working on this for six days, but it has been worth it. I trust that God is leading me on the path to a happier marriage. He led me to this forum where I can communicate with you, a woman dealing with similar issues. How timely and amazing is that?

You can do this. You battled anorexia and won! Use that strength to improve your marriage.

May the Lord, Our God bless your marriage and continue to strengthen you and allow you to feel His Love each day!