Constructive criticism?

[catrg 86]

I was instructed to write a vilanelle for my creative writing class. That was the only requirement. I usually find that I won't get a good grade unless I write something "dark" as opposed to peppy and happy, but I thought since this would be graded on mastering the form, I could get away with it. This is the poem I wrote:
This Life is not the Only Life for Me

This life is not the only life for me
Enriched by what I learn I’ll move ahead
I still have much to do and more to see

When I was young and wished I could be free
I’d long to not be sent so soon to bed
This life is not the only life for me

Then came a time of great uncertainty
When changes filled my life with constant dread
I still have much to do and more to see

In troubled times when all around me flee
I can’t endure the pain in which I tread
This life is not the only life for me

The times will come when I will long to be
Forever stopped in moments where I’m led
This life is not the only life for me

Oh God, I will remember where you lead
In pain, at peace, or when I’m all but dead
This life is not the only life for me
I still have much to do and more to see

My teacher commented that it was "overly simplistic." Do you agree, or was she responding negatively to the hope and peace I reached in this poem?

 

[Westvleteren]

It's hard to say, with teachers, when their critiques are being colored by their personal tastes. I would venture to say that this is what is happening in your case, in some respects--mostly the "overly" part. Your poem is simple, that's true--but whether that's bad or not is a matter of personal taste.

That said, the villanelle is a complex form, and the examples one usually reads in English lit classes were written by people who were professional Tortured Poets who had nothing better to do than write thirty drafts over a bottle of wine at three in the morning until they stumbled upon a word that rhymes with "immures." So your teacher is probably not used to seeing a straightforward, unadorned theme written as a villanelle.

But I've never read anything that said a villanelle had to be complex in subject matter, only that it conform to the scheme. So "overly simplistic" seems a strange critique to make if conforming to the scheme was the only requirement of the assignment.

Just my $.02 worth.

 

[catrg 86]

thanks

 

[ConstanceB]

First, I'll admit that I have no familiarity with the format. Given that you've adhered to it, I'll offer the following observations as a writer and a former teacher who assessed writing exit exams.

I'm impressed that you are faithful to the cadence. That is very difficult for most of us to do.

The concept of rhyme came to us from Latin poetry, where case etc. dictated that most phrases could be ended in "orum", for instance. Our Germanic-based English one-syllable words do not easily lend themselves to rhyme, and yet you've managed to do it nicely.

I've seen teachers dismiss any poem that rhymes, citing that rhyme is limiting and out of literary fashion. I've argued on behalf of the well-written rhymed poem, pointing out that poets like Trudi Schnackenberg, considered by some to be one of the top three USA female poets, writes in various rhyming formats.

In its simplicity, your poem reminds me of William Butler Yeats in some of his pieces -- "I will go now --" (Lake Isle of Innisfree) -- or Robert Frost. I don't think your happy perspective is responsible for your teacher's resistance. I think she is short-sighted and did not read your piece more than once: it looks simple, so it must be simplistic.

For what it's worth, don't worry about the grade unless you're headed for med school. Instead, labor towards your own goals, regardless of grades. It's just not worth the stress, and it's difficult to work a grade point average into table conversation after you've graduated. I know.

 

[artybloke]

I think your teacher was right - but I don't think its simplicity as such is its problem so much as its generalisation. A simple poem can work if it is specific - but here, you're trying to talk about something that's too big.

For instance:

What time of great uncertainty? What troubled times? etc...

If you were writing about a specific time, or place, or incident, it would be both more resonant and would paradoxically affect the reader much more than generalised statements with no context. The Lake Isle of Inishfre (the Yeats poem) is effective not simply because of the rhymes etc, but because it is about a specific place, not some vague feeling.

So make the poem about some specific event/place/person or object and it will sing for itself.

And read some contemporary villanelles: Dylan Thomas' "Do Not Go Gently" or Elizabeth Bishop's "One Art" (a rather free version of the form, by the way) come to mind as examples.

And, to ConstanceB:

The concept of rhyme came to us from Latin poetry

Neither Greek nor Latin poetry rhymed on the whole. It did have metre, usually measured by length of sylable rather than modern accentual verse. Rhyme came in from the Troubadours of France and from Italian poets like Petrarch and Dante.

 

[catrg 86]

Wow! Plenty of helpful info. Thanks so much. Lots to think about.

 

[ConstanceB]

And, to ConstanceB:

Quote:

The concept of rhyme came to us from Latin poetry

Neither Greek nor Latin poetry rhymed on the whole. It did have metre, usually measured by length of sylable rather than modern accentual verse. Rhyme came in from the Troubadours of France and from Italian poets like Petrarch and Dante.

I'm only referencing what I was taught and shown in Latin classes I fumbled through, and your explanation sounds more scholarly; you seem quite literate and confident. That being said, I'm happy to concede, but (stubbornly and childishly) point out that both French and Italian are Romance languages, meaning they were derivatives of Latin.

Here's a somewhat related story from a favorite teacher: He was arguing on behalf of an answer he'd given that brought his grade down to a B on an important test. The prof. refused to see him unless he brought ten works as references to back up his stand. My friend studied, found more than enough works supporting his side, brought the tomes to the professor's office, and stood with his hands on his hips. The professor took his time reading each passage, confirming the authors' biographies and credentials, the copyright date, publisher -- anything and everything. When the last book was reviewed and closed, he raised his eyes to my friend, clasped his hands on his desk and said, "Young man, anyone can make a mistake. Obviously, these people have." cb

 

[Lyle]

What is she grading on? Structure of the poem, which as the effective use of langauge: adhering to the literary guidelines, ect.. Or is it based on content?