Constant anxiety in dating

[EtainSkirata]

I'm constantly worried about flaws and imperfections in my boyfriend of 2 months. Every week I have something new to obsess over. "What about this thing, what about that?" I'm bouncing around his different issues--many of which he's willing to talk about and make changes on, especially the bigger ones. I won't go into details. But basically he knows he's not perfect and knows there's areas of his life he needs to bring under God's will now he's a Christian.
And I know I'm not perfect. I have flaws too.
He tells me not to try to fix everything all at once. My parents (who live too far away to meet him right now) tell me to trust my instincts, but I'm constantly feeling like I need to just throw in the towel, instead of talking through things and working things out. Every time I talk to him about something, I tend to feel better, but the next day I either have a new issue or I'm doubting what we just talked about. This is my first relationship, too, and I just can't seem to figure out where the line is between healthy growth and change, versus "this is who this person is, I'd better run." And of course I have no close Christian friends to bounce this off of either.

 

[angelsaroundme]

I don't know how much you've researched OCD in general. It would probably help to learn more and hear other people's stories. The thing about OCD is it cannot be satisfied. It's like a hole that has no end so you can never fill it up. This is one of the most important things to understand. It will always latch on to something else if what it's currently prompting you to do is handled. Put another way, you can't trust your feelings with OCD. You have to analyze them and ask yourself, "Am I being extreme? Would most people care this much? Is this just the OCD?"

It's not easy to do but the best thing is to ignore the OCD. Giving in offers short term relief but makes the problem worse in the long run. Instead, let the uncomfortable feeling the OCD brings happen and eventually the worst of it will dissipate.

 

[EtainSkirata]

Would most people care this much? Is this just the OCD?"

Thank you so much for replying and for your encouragement.

I selected this part of your response because when I bring up some of these issues to my family, they see them as red flags. They won't tell me either way to date him or not, but they do say trust my instincts. BUT, they haven't spent hours talking to him about these things, their context is me freaking out before I talk to my boyfriend and we work on a solution. So like.. I'm not sure?
The worst part is the anxiety. I can't get away from it. I can't sleep, I can't focus on work, I have a hard time eating, and my mind is just in this constant turmoil. I feel like I put my boyfriend through too much nonsense, too.

I will say that despite some of his things he needs to work on, he has a character I really admire and want to emulate. He cares very much about his Christian walk, he loves others, and he's incredibly caring. I keep telling myself not to throw the baby out with the bathwater here, but when my brain is so loud, I just want to run away from this relationship.

 

[angelsaroundme]

Thank you so much for replying and for your encouragement.

I selected this part of your response because when I bring up some of these issues to my family, they see them as red flags. They won't tell me either way to date him or not, but they do say trust my instincts. BUT, they haven't spent hours talking to him about these things, their context is me freaking out before I talk to my boyfriend and we work on a solution. So like.. I'm not sure?
The worst part is the anxiety. I can't get away from it. I can't sleep, I can't focus on work, I have a hard time eating, and my mind is just in this constant turmoil. I feel like I put my boyfriend through too much nonsense, too.

I will say that despite some of his things he needs to work on, he has a character I really admire and want to emulate. He cares very much about his Christian walk, he loves others, and he's incredibly caring. I keep telling myself not to throw the baby out with the bathwater here, but when my brain is so loud, I just want to run away from this relationship.

You're welcome.

If someone with OCD is washing their hands till they bleed, presumably everyone would agree that is not the right thing to do. But when it comes to a person doubting their relationship constantly, that is more difficult to be the judge of.

Since most people do not have OCD, if they do make statements on such an issue, they would assume things based on their own experience. But their own experience is generally not compatible because someone without OCD is more likely to let small things go rather than fixate on them. So, to them it must not be a small thing, at least to the person worrying about it, if they can't stop thinking about it. They're operating under a different mindset so stuff is getting lost in translation.

He sounds like a good Christian boyfriend based on what you said. I think you should give yourself and him some grace.

 

[Freth]

As a man who has been on the receiving end, and has 50+ years under his belt, here's my advice.

Don't try to change someone into what you want them to be by insisting that they change, because it will only end in misery. Instead, accept that you have flaws and your boyfriend has flaws, and meet somewhere in the middle. A good relationship is about compromise and accepting each other for who you are.

If you insist on pointing out flaws in your partner, and asking them to correct them, you will find that the relationship will not last, and you will be locked into a continuous cycle of more of the same. As you said, none of us are perfect. Often, it's our imperfections that are endearing.

I've experienced this myself, having had girlfriends who wanted me to change to suit their ideas of what they wanted me to be. Time and again I went through this with women, and each time it ended badly. It put unnecessary strain on the relationship and caused constant conflict. It's not much of a relationship if you're picking and pointing out faults in your partner.

I would be happy with the companionship that God has blessed you with, flaws and all, because if you can't be happy with someone with perceived flaws, then you will find yourself alone for a good part of your life, and that's not good.

Rather than trying to change a man into who you want him to be, find a man who meets those requirements already, and shares your beliefs. If your requirements are too stringent, then you're being unrealistic.

 

[EtainSkirata]

I just don't know where to draw the line between "hey, this thing that you think is okay is actually morally wrong" (because he was only saved recently, so there's a couple things he needs, and knows he needs, to bring into light of scripture. Ie he thinks its okay to pirate books, but wr talked about it and he's agreed to think about it and change some of thar behavior; he thinks meditation is okay due to science, but asked if we could debate that later) versus "this is a grey area that we disagree on" (ie listening to hard rock). I keep going around and around in circles; the most recent today being that he has kind of an immature way of answering questions/minor little conflicts (ie answering me with a sort of "whaaaaaaaaat?!" when I mention something really minor). That's a personality trait, and sometimes I do it too; but the thought storming through my mind is "this is annoying and I can't live with this forever." Which seems a little extreme, and the thought of leaving him over this about gave me a panic attack at work.
And the worst part is, this is my first relationship, so I have no experience to fall back on. I don't know when to keep fighting for the relationship and when to call it quits. I'm so anxious I can hardly sleep or eat.

 

[angelsaroundme]

I suspect that you have anxiety over dating itself, as it can lead to marriage and kids, and that causes you to be particular with him, basically looking for signs that he's not the right person. All the worrying and second guessing makes it difficult to sleep which puts your mind in a more vulnerable or irritable state.

If that comes off as judgmental, that's not how I mean it. I'd be dealing with anxiety if I was dating. At the same time, just because something makes you anxious doesn't mean it's not worth it.

OCD, especially if it's moderate to severe, demands that we know ourselves well. If we don't then we're unable to recognize reality from the distorted perception OCD gives us.

I really hesitate to say this. But there seems to be two things here. One is that you may not be ready for dating until you have a better handle on your OCD. The second is, I don't think you've said anything you particularly like about this guy. I guess the question is, what made you interested in him to start with? Is it more a "I didn't know him that well, so I figured I'd give him a chance" or "I do like things about him, however, since we started dating my OCD has spiked and distracted me from those things"?

 

[EtainSkirata]

I suspect that you have anxiety over dating itself, as it can lead to marriage and kids, and that causes you to be particular with him, basically looking for signs that he's not the right person. All the worrying and second guessing makes it difficult to sleep which puts your mind in a more vulnerable or irritable state.

If that comes off as judgmental, that's not how I mean it. I'd be dealing with anxiety if I was dating. At the same time, just because something makes you anxious doesn't mean it's not worth it.

OCD, especially if it's moderate to severe, demands that we know ourselves well. If we don't then we're unable to recognize reality from the distorted perception OCD gives us.

I really hesitate to say this. But there seems to be two things here. One is that you may not be ready for dating until you have a better handle on your OCD. The second is, I don't think you've said anything you particularly like about this guy. I guess the question is, what made you interested in him to start with? Is it more a "I didn't know him that well, so I figured I'd give him a chance" or "I do like things about him, however, since we started dating my OCD has spiked and distracted me from those things"?

You may be right; i am going to therapy so I'm hoping that helps enough so I don't have to break this off JUST because of my OCD. He knows I have OCD tendencies, but he says I keep it under wraps well. (He doesn't live in my head though)

I chose to date him because I didn't know him well and wanted to give him a chance, BUT there were/are things I like about him. He's fun to be around, he's very attentive to detail, he cares about others, he's really smart, we have similar political beliefs, we go to church together every week, he's usually very calm and doesn't get worked up easily about stuff (unlike me). I am very much attracted to him and I do love him. I want to make this work, but at the same time I'm scared of the fallout of possibly making the wrong decision. There were things here and there that bugged me, but my anxiety has flared up like crazy over the last few weeks and it's making those things (i mentioned in my previous response) seem HUGE, and I don't know if they really should be that worrisome.

 

[angelsaroundme]

You may be right; i am going to therapy so I'm hoping that helps enough so I don't have to break this off JUST because of my OCD. He knows I have OCD tendencies, but he says I keep it under wraps well. (He doesn't live in my head though)

I chose to date him because I didn't know him well and wanted to give him a chance, BUT there were/are things I like about him. He's fun to be around, he's very attentive to detail, he cares about others, he's really smart, we have similar political beliefs, we go to church together every week, he's usually very calm and doesn't get worked up easily about stuff (unlike me). I am very much attracted to him and I do love him. I want to make this work, but at the same time I'm scared of the fallout of possibly making the wrong decision. There were things here and there that bugged me, but my anxiety has flared up like crazy over the last few weeks and it's making those things (i mentioned in my previous response) seem HUGE, and I don't know if they really should be that worrisome.

With all of that you do sound compatible. Maybe if you had time alone to get caught up on your sleep that would help things.