Confusion

[green suiter]

I have three kids. Two of which resemble me and my wife. From physical features to behaviors and so forth. Our oldest son, is supposedly from my previous marriage. I've been asked by several people, strangers, if he is my son. Because they say he doesn't resemble me one iota, from his haircolor, physical features, eyecolor, to his mental behaviors. Now, I know my ex-wife did some bad things during our marriage, at least 6 or more times. I'm really debating on getting a test to see if he is my son. But, there is a part of me that is scared to know the truth. Then if he isn't, what do I do. And if he is, what do I do. I know we love him, But, he throws off the balance of our home so much. When he is here, you can feel the tension in the air and you could cut it with a knife. He tries to manipulate everything. We never yell and scream, then he comes in and will do things to try and force us to lose our temper. I've searched and searched for the good, but now I don't know anymore. He is so much like his mother, lies, manipulates, bullies, and he feels much more comfortable when someone is screaming at him, than at our house where we talk to each other not attack each other. We don't know what to do anymore, we have read books , used all the advice we get, gone to therapists, we are lost. We love him, but we wonder if what my be best for him is for him to stay with his mother. She only sends him to us when she starts losing control of him. He is with us for a year right now because she couldn't control him and decided he needed time with us. This is not the first time she has done this to him. She sends him to us every time she can't handle him. So she is telling the child that everytime he is bad, he goes away. The problem, is that he is so much like her. He gets off on conflict and violence. He creates it when there is none.

 

[karla]

You need to search your heart to figure out what the best thing is to do. Would finding out he isn't your son, make you love him less or want to not spend time with him? It would probably break his heart to find out that you weren't his dad since you have been for so many years. His outbursts and behavior are probably a result of you and his mom splitting up and then to turn around and ask for a paternity test might be too much for him to cope with. Really think about his best interest adn the best interest of your family before you bring up the subject with him or his mom. I will be praying for you.

 

[green suiter]

He is only 7, therefore, we would not tell him what was going on. It is not going to keep me from seeing him, but I wouldn't feel right having him live with me, whenever it suits her. I love him, he will always be my first child, but I feel that I owe it to him to find out. We would not inform him until he is much older.

 

[BeanMak]

Wow Green Suiter...
It sounds like he is a teen and a hurting, rebellious one at that. None of them are easy, and from his troubled life he is going to be especially hard to deal with. If you are looking for a reason to shut him out of your life, then get the test. I will give you dollars to doughnuts that you will destroy him if you make him take that test. I don't mean to be harsh, but you are the only father this kid has. He doesn't need to be punished for his mother's past. Even making him take the test will hurt him. It sends a message that he is so bad, he couldn't possibly be your kid.
I know what it is like to have an out of control child. My husband died when the kids were 12 and 10. I did the best I could on my own. When my oldest was 16 he was getting scary. I had a bible study at my house, and he sat at the computer with a 666 on his neck in pen. He was smoking pot, ditching school, beating on his brother, and then hit me. He wasn't evil, he was scared, and hurting himself. I got into family counciling with a fantastic councilor. She didn't do much for the kids, kids don't talk, don't participate, but she helped me find inner strength to deal with Dan, and not give up. I found the strength to get him into an inpatient psych program for a week, and a partial program for a week at our hospital. It let him know I meant business that there had to be changes in our house. Now, he is 20, almost 21, and he is in college full time, working full time, and living here being a helpful, loving son. I REALLY suggest you find a good therapist to help YOU.
I will offer up prayers for your family. God will give you help.

 

[BeanMak]

I didn't see you post that he was 7. You don't owe it to him to find out! Sorry, I can't see it.

 

[Katydid]

Hello, I am green suiters wife. My stepson is a loving sweet boy with many problems. One of them being his mother, the other the courts. We tried to get custody when all of the junk she was putting him through came out. The child had a horrible rage disorder, and everytime he got too much for his mother to handle, we had to drive four hours to pick him up and when she wanted him back we had to take him. WHY???? Because the courts had made it clear that unless he had broken bones or burn marks that there was nothing she could do wrong. We had three different psychologists telling the courts that we needed custody, and they shut us down. The courts have screwed him up as much as his mother. Now if we allow ourselves to be constantly used as a dumping ground for his mother to use everytime she can't handle him, then we are assissting in his torture. If we try to get custody again, we are assissting in his torture. To us, the most humane thing for this child is to allow him to adjust to the situation that his mother and the courts have thrown him into without adding to his pain. BeanMak, judge all you want, we have been judged numerous times in the past, we are trying to do what is best for this child, and I am sorry that it doesn't match up to what most people think is best. This child needs consistency. He needs a loving home. Unfortunately the courts and his mother have decided that he can only have one of those. So what would you do? We have had him in therapy. His mother "dumped" him on us for a year again. Now he is living with us, and the older he gets, the harder it is for us to help him. Now, next summer she will be taking him back, I wonder when she will get sick of him again. I love my stepson, more than his mother loves him, all I want is to give him a chance, and allowing us to become a symbol of his mother's rejection just makes us part of the problem. So please, enlighten us on what we should be doing.

 

[BeanMak]

I am so very sorry that you are going through this! I am very sorry that the courts have let you down. Please know that. There isn't any enlightenment coming from this end. We all muddle through the best we can. Your husband came to a message board asking opinions. That is what I am giving, nothing more. I am certainly NOT judging you. I am offering opinion based on the first set of information offered. You have provided more information, and can add more opinions based on that. I agree that the poor kid needs consistancy. If you think leaving him with his mother is the best course of action, then you need to do what you think is best. You don't need us to tell you what to do. We can offer some prayers. We can offer support. We can offer an opinion. Free advice is worth what you pay for it.

 

[Katydid]

I am sorry that I was so harsh. I really am. There are only a few things in this world that will make me be that way, and one of them is when I feel (whether I am right or not), that my husband is being attacked. I really am sorry.

 

[BeanMak]

Katydid, you would make a great mama tiger
I will pray for you and your family.

 

[HeatherJay]

I don't know what advice to offer. I can only imagine, though, that feeling abandoned by his father would not help the poor child at all...and don't you think that's what he'd feel if you guys just left him to his mother and stepped out of the picture? That's not meant to be an attack, but put yourself in his 7 year old shoes. Children aren't rational and there's no way he'd understand that his dad was doing this with his best interests at heart. And what's the rationale behind getting a paternity test? Since you already mentioned stepping out of the picture, then wouldn't a confirmed test that said you weren't his father just give you a feeling of justification for doing so?

I'm sure it's a hard situation, but I have nothing but pity for this child. Where's his soft place to fall in life? Does he have one? I would advise that you be very careful about letting you feelings about his mother carry over to your feelings for him. Give him no reason to doubt your love for him.

 

[yeshuaskid]

I don't blame you for wanting to know if this young boy is your true blood or not. In times of frustration...we think of everything. I watched a young cousin of mine be used as a pawn between two divorced parents and what it did to him. I'm not accusing you of using your son so...please, don't think that. I'm using him as an example of having to watch a young boy suffer continually. It's horrible! If you decide to take a paternity test you may want to first decide what you may do with the information you receive. You deserve to know if it is your child but, I'm thinking that you will still love him as your own no matter what. There are so many things to consider. I'm sure you already knew that. The state I live in isn't very good when it comes to custody issues. It sounds as if yours isn't either. You are blessed with a wife (step-mother) who loves your son and has his best interest in mind. I wish I could give you the magic answer and make all problems go away but, duh...wishful thinking!!! You may want to continue searching (christian) therapists until one clicks with your son. I've been that route and it took many before I found the right one. Most importantly, continue to do what you seem to be doing already...pray! God hears it all! I've dealt with many children with serious issues and it can work out in the end. I'll be praying for you and your family. Please, post a thread and let us know how your son is doing. If you need anything...PM me. God Bless.

 

[Katydid]

and don't you think that's what he'd feel if you guys just left him to his mother and stepped out of the picture?

First off, we would never step out of the picture completely. I would never allow that. We would do the typical every other weekend schedule to the best of our ability (being military, that can be difficult at times).

Second, I learned this in the 2 years of therapy we went through with Gavin, did you know that we all long for the familiar regardless of how right or wrong it is. Basically, a child who has been emotionally abused, will actually become completely uncomfortable in an environment where that does not occur. The point being, my stepson is never at ease here. He constantly tries to turn us into the type of parents his mother is, and it is hard not to give in. He wants to be yelled at, not spoken to. He wants to be manipulated, not reasoned with. He is uncomfortable being told he is smart and sweet and loving. When he was younger, he adjusted to it quickly, the older he gets, the harder he fights it. It is hard on us because we know what is wrong and we have no way to "fix" the situation. It will take years of counseling, and we have no idea when she will decide she wants him back. The paternity test is not to be used in this situation, other than to know. It will only be shown to him when and if he asks. I know it is hard for you to understand, but there is a bit of relief in just knowing. It doesn't change anything, just puts our minds at ease. We will never be able to stop loving Gavin, he is our first child. He was mine the day I married his father. He will always be mine in my heart.

I watched a young cousin of mine be used as a pawn between two divorced parents and what it did to him

I have spent over five years trying to protect him from his mother using him. She wants to maintain custody mainly for the leverage it gives her over her mother. As a matter of fact, he is with us right now to punish her mother.

I'm not accusing you of using your son so...please, don't think that.

I would never assume that you were. I have read alot of your posts and know that you are not the type to do that.

You deserve to know if it is your child but, I'm thinking that you will still love him as your own no matter what

My husband may seem harsh on some things, but he is a very loving husband and father. He would never be able to stop loving Gavin. Trust me, after our second run through court, he tried and he couldn't. He recieved orders to Germany and we knew that we would not be able to see Gavin for 3 years unless we managed to go to the states, well he felt maybe it would be better to just let it go. He couldn't.

You may want to continue searching (christian) therapists until one clicks with your son. I've been that route and it took many before I found the right one.

Being military, we really don't have that option. Especially living overseas. I wish we did, but we don't.


Thank you Yeshuaskid for your support and prayers. We really do appreciate them and can use all we can get.

 

[yeshuaskid]

God Bless your family. I was in the military, too. This situation just tugs at my heart. We are planning on adopting and have a child of our own. My husband has a daughter from his previous marriage who he hasn't seen in many years. I long to see her one day. I know, as a mother, no matter if you gave birth to this little boy or he came in a package deal....you love him just the same. It's a child of God no matter what. We all know that. I can only sit here and pray that God opens the floodgates of healing on this little boy. You and your husband should be commended for intervening on Galvin's behalf. I know how hard it can be to be moved around by the Military. Just when you are settled....move again! I can't imagine someone manipulating my child and hurting them in the ways you and your husband have described. My cousin will be 21 years old in a few months. Nobody intervened on his behalf during those critical years. He has been caught using and growing/selling drugs. We often wonder when he will end up in jail. All because nobody helped. What I'm getting at is that you are doing something. Anything is better than nothing! No matter what happens, Galvin will always know you love him. He will always know that he has a safe place with you. Children know that endless love from their parents. Even if you found out he wasn't your husbands biological child...it won't matter. He will always be his son...the same way as he will always be YOUR son. If, when you go to bed at night, you know you've done all that you can for Galvin...then you are honoring God. Your desires and Galvin's needs won't be put aside by God. It sounds to me like Satan has such a stronghold over this little boys mother. THAT...I can pray for. Be specific when you pray (I'm sure you know this). Tell God what you want for Galvin and your desires for his precious life. I will pray specifically, too. Galvin, like us, is a child of God. That's better than any earthly parent. If he goes back to his biological mother...post it so that we can continue to be specific in our prayers for him. One thing you can do for Galvin is to pray God's protection over him. This way, if he is with his mother...God's protective arms are still wrapped tight around him. God Bless you all....

 

[green suiter]

We left his mother come here to vist and she was tucking him in to bed and he asked her to say the prayers for him before bed and she blew a gasket and started screaming untill we stepped in and cut her off. Then me and gav prayed together. I pray about this everyday. I pray for all the answers but know they will come only when g-d whant's us to know them. It always help to get prayers from others. Thank you for your Prayers.