Confusing

[SearchingSister]

Hi, this is my first thread.

I wasn't raped, but I was assaulted by my older brother from 14-18 and a more serious assault about 6 months ago (I'm 19 now).

I confronted him about it after the most serious "episode" 6 months ago, and he totally messed with my head. Told me how much he loves me... said he was concerned about me-did i get abused as a child or something, because he hadnt done anything wrong... his friends do it with their sisters, etc.

Ever since, I've just been so uncertain about the whole thing. I ended up apologising to him!

ANd then a few months ago he smacked me on the bum (i know its not really a big deal but it really upset me) and he completely denied it. As a result my mum, the only other person who knows, doesnt believe me anymore.

I don't even know if i believe myself anymore.

But what i really want to know is, how do i keep on having a relationship with my brother after all this? Because i still love him, he's still family.

 

[shazabella]

Hi, this is my first thread.

I wasn't raped, but I was assaulted by my older brother from 14-18 and a more serious assault about 6 months ago (I'm 19 now).

I confronted him about it after the most serious "episode" 6 months ago, and he totally messed with my head. Told me how much he loves me... said he was concerned about me-did i get abused as a child or something, because he hadnt done anything wrong... his friends do it with their sisters, etc.

Ever since, I've just been so uncertain about the whole thing. I ended up apologising to him!

ANd then a few months ago he smacked me on the bum (i know its not really a big deal but it really upset me) and he completely denied it. As a result my mum, the only other person who knows, doesnt believe me anymore.

I don't even know if i believe myself anymore.

But what i really want to know is, how do i keep on having a relationship with my brother after all this? Because i still love him, he's still family.

searching,

I believe that family is an important part of our lives but not at the detriment of ourselves - you have the right to be safe in your own house / anywhere.

What your brother did was not acceptable and he played to your unstable feelings - you were torn because he is your brother and now he's saying all these things that make you feel like what you feel is wrong - IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO FEEL.

He has turned you from the victim into the one with the problem when he is the one with the problem and this shift of blame is enough to fool people which cuts him a little slack which he certainly doesn't deserve.

When i was raped and it all came out i ended up not only appologising to my perp but giving him a hug because you just want it to end so you can get back to dealing with it in your own way. The guilt from that act alone is enough to make you question the significance of what happened ... how can it be as bad as that if i could appologise to him for it.

I am so sorry your mother now doesn't believe you , the problem with this situation as with any sexual assault / abuse is that there are alot of very warped family dynamics and as invalidating as it is for you it was probably her way of coping with it - by pretending it didn't happen.

I suggest you all look into family therapy as well as counselling for yourself , you are not alone. A great book is The wounded Heart - written by a christian author and it explains CSA in a very christian validating way.

for you

- Shaz

 

[Ruth~]

I'm very sorry you were s.abused by your brother. He was wrong and that's a fact. He needs to apologize to you in a big way. I sometimes do the same thing you do when someone hurts me, end up telling them what they did and then apologizing. I have felt like such a fool at times. Take care.

 

[BelindaP]

I know what you are going through because I have been there. I was younger than you when the abuse went on, but I had the same conflicted feelings. While people believed that it went on, they chalked it up to sexual curiosity on his part and did not see it as a problem. [This turned out to be untrue, because I believe him to be a bona fide pedophile, but that is a story for another string.] As in your case, it ended in a more serious assault, after which I avoided being alone with him for any reason.

Like you, I have gone through periods of unreality, where I question whether any of the stuff really went on. However, I know it is true, as some of his inappropriate behavior was witnessed by others.

Now, as to the question of whether to maintain a relationship with him, I would say 'yes'. However, it will need to be a long-distance relationship for quite a while, until healing has progressed. If at all possible, you should try to get away from living in the same house with him. Physical proximity only feeds the problem.

Next, you should try to get some Christian counseling. It would be better from somebody who does not know the family; that way there are no issues around whether they believe you or not.

I would still get together with the family, but would not let myself be put into any situation where you two are alone. I don't know what causes it, but your family and the perpetrator may very well try to put you into those positions. The family is trying to show you that there really is no problem, but the perpetrator will just try to victimize you again somehow--especially since he has your mother on his side right now.

If he smacks you on the bum again, smack him upside the head, really hard. I'm sure he will act the wounded innocent with the family, but you will gain a sense of self-worth. Also, he'll learn that messing with you will be painful for him, and he might avoid it in the future. My brother tried to feel me up years after the abuse, and I smacked him. His response--"Why did you do that?" My response to him--"Don't ever put a hand on me again or I'll do more than that!" He protested innocence but hasn't tried it since.

Perpetrators of sexual abuse tend to see themselves as entitled to their behavior. They are also very good at manipulating their victims into feeling guilty about anything that they do. Like their father the Devil, perpetrators are skillful at lies. Remember--Resist the Devil and he will flee from you.

I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[chloeobrien]

Hi, this is my first thread.

I wasn't raped, but I was assaulted by my older brother from 14-18 and a more serious assault about 6 months ago (I'm 19 now).

I confronted him about it after the most serious "episode" 6 months ago, and he totally messed with my head. Told me how much he loves me... said he was concerned about me-did i get abused as a child or something, because he hadnt done anything wrong... his friends do it with their sisters, etc.

Ever since, I've just been so uncertain about the whole thing. I ended up apologising to him!

ANd then a few months ago he smacked me on the bum (i know its not really a big deal but it really upset me) and he completely denied it. As a result my mum, the only other person who knows, doesnt believe me anymore.

I don't even know if i believe myself anymore.

But what i really want to know is, how do i keep on having a relationship with my brother after all this? Because i still love him, he's still family.

As to what your brother did he hurt you, and now he is trying to act like it never happened. Your feelings never lie to you but at times your brain can. If you feel hurt, and feel like he did something to hurt you then he very well did something wrong to you. As for the smacking on the bum, if it is a big deal to you then it's a big deal to everyone here. We are here for you and are glad you ahve opened up to us. I agree a lot with BelindaP, she is right. I was both raped and abused, feel free to PM me about anything.

 

[restore]

Yes, also try to find some closer christian friends from your church, u need some real help too, also pray hard.
Trust in God.