Confused

[sparrow]

I am really confused at the moment as to what is "wrong" with me. Let me explain...

I have been a SI-er for about a year and a half now. It started off not too bad, got worse after about 6 months and continued badly for about 6 months, and in these most recent months it has been less frequent (but tends to be worse when it actually happens).
In the past year and a half, I have also become more and more of a mess. Sometimes I feel OK, but other times I feel totally useless, worthless, like I hate myself and want to hurt myself, and have thought about suicide although I know I would never do it.
In the past month or so, I've become quite angry. I don't know why, just irritable and impatient. I'm not like how I used to be - I used to be a nice person.

Just a moment ago I took two tests which advise you about depression and stuff. In both of them, I scored fairly high. In the first I was just into the "clinically depressed" section. In the second, they said:

"Your screening results are consistent with clinical depression. Your answers also show you might be at risk for harming yourself. You are advised to see your doctor or a mental health professional immediately for a complete evaluation — or dial "911" or go immediately to the nearest hospital Emergency Room for an evaluation."

I didn't ever think I was quite this bad. I've been taking all this stuff one day at a time, and although sometimes I feel so down, I'm too scared to do anything about it like see a doctor. I've spoken to a counsellor (a lady from my church - not a qualified one) a few times but I don't think she understands me really... I'm quite shy and absolutely rubbish at talking about myself and my problems. My family don't know about any of this. My boyfriend knows (and is a big help), as do a couple of my close friends (but only about the SI). Some of these friends have been more of a hinderance than a help, however.

Finally, my relationship with God has been up and down throughout this rollercoaster year and a half. At the moment it's OK, but there was a point when it was getting quite weak. It tends to vary day by day, it isn't very consistent.

Now I'm confused. What do I do? If I really am possibly depressed, even mildly, what should I do about it? I'm terrified to go and see the doctor... Or anyone for that matter... I'm scared it won't work and I'll just get worse. Admitting it to myself would be too hard. I could just do with some advice.
Sorry to ramble on, thanks for reading....

 

[servant4ever]

The comment about calling 911 and stuff is if you are going to kill yourself. If you are going to leave the computer and kill yourself, I would recommned contacting your Emergency Number (I see you are from Great Britian, I am guessing you have a different emergency numner than we do is the US.) and they would help you. Yes, I know it sounds easier said than done, but that's what they were meaning. If you aren't going to kill yourself, but still really depressed, I would recommend seeing a therapist to help you. Yes, I know it can be really scary, as I had a panic attack while going to see my counselor for the first time. But, my counselor has helped me and I have been on a 6 week break from seeing him, but I will be back when I get back to college. Your counselor will be able to help you. I know it is easier said than done, I admit it. Maybe ask a close friend that you trust to go with you for the first time so you get accustomed to the counselor.

servant4ever

 

[Deamiter]

Yes it is that bad. It's not nearly as simple as servant makes it sound. You need help, and you need help as soon as possible. In your situation, I went about 2 years with SI before I got help. It was actually rather lucky because I was real close to suicide, and I truly believe it saved my life.

I know you aren't planning to kill yourself now, but I also know how tempting and appealing it looks. Ask around with your friends and find a therapist that one of THEM trusts. Then go and see her a couple of times to get to know her. Then write a letter explaining how you feel and what you think. Since you are bad at explaining your thoughts and feelings (as I certainly am!) you need to use a written letter to be completely honest.

You won't be locked away for asking for help, and you CERTAINLY won't be judged as a 'bad person' by a professional! It's just that your life really is in danger, and you need professional help. It's easy to say, "I would never kill myself" but as you stew in depression, you fantasize about release and you get familiar -- then wistful about the idea of suicide. Even if you aren't PLANNING suicide now (and I was by that much time after I started SI to help with my emotional agony) you won't see it coming until it's almost too late. When your thoughts are so twisted up on themselves that you have to hurt yourself to get a moment of peace, you can't wait until you're FORCED to get help.

Anyway, once you find a therapist you CAN connect with you will get better. It's just that waiting and dealing with it on your own is a big mistake. I'm not speaking from the outside, I'm talking from YOUR point of view. I did it on my own with support ONLY from my friends -- no professionals, and no relatives. I stayed relatively stable, and I didn't kill myself, but it wasn't fair to my friends OR me. You can't do it without friends -- OR without support from the church (often in Christian friends if you have some). However, you can't completely trust your problems and your intense internal agony on your friends either. They can only take so much, and since you've been SIing for over a year, I'm sure you've recognized that and kept some things to yourself at times.

Professional help truly is freedom. It's the freedom to trust your hurting to someone who you KNOW won't be hurt by it. It's also the freedom to trust your problems to someone who has experience and knows how to help people with the same problems. Go, and after a couple of sessions where you are terrified and evasive, take the next week to write a letter explaining all the things you could not say. You will not be disappointed, and you won't have to hide (from your parents or ANYONE) forever!

 

[TheMainException]

Listen, my dear dear friend, let me say this...I love you, and I can relate somewhat. I am an SI-er also...now, unless you are feeling like slicing yourself right now, or are starting to feel that way, I don't think you need to call 911...but I REALLY want you to get some help from a trained psychologist or psychiatrist...I don't want you to have to do something that hurts, but the best thing to do is often the thing that brings us lowest at first...admit that you are hurting, admit that you are depressed, search for a cause, search for a reason deep inside yourself as to why you are an SI-er and depressed...maybe your parents had depressed slightly and they passed it on to you, maybe you've had a horrid childhood or some bad experience that left you scarred. I'm not very good at remembering things, so I am not sure if you've posted before on this issue, so I don't really remember anything else to help you figure out as to why you have these urges...keep striving towards the light child of God...he loves you, even if you hate you. He will never let you down, even if it seems like he's not there, he IS...he will never leave you, in your worst moments, he's the closest, hugging you in tight... in your best moments, he standing back looking at how beautiful you are in your glorious robe of white from Christ's blood. He'll be there when you don't FEEL him...you don't have to FEEL him for him to be there, he's not hiding his face from you...most likely your face is just so buried in your hands, that you can't see him... he's there...don't ever forget that. With love, Lauren

 

[I'ddie4him]

Sparrow,
I have been where you are now, I used to do the same thing. I have the scars from my periods of SI too.
I hope you go to find yourself some help soon. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder after my periods of doing this and attempting suicide numerous times. A couples times w/ overdoses and other means.
I know how you are feeling, Please get some help, I'm begging you as one who's been there and made it thru.