Confused

[PureGrace]

Hi everyone…

I am really struggling right now in so many areas…it’s just frustrating. I guess I just need to vent, so hang in there with me, ok?

I haven’t weighed myself in awhile. It’s that fear…you know that if you get on and the number is lower, than it will make you happy for once…but if it's higher, it’ll ruin you. I finally got on about 10 minutes ago, and discovered that I weigh more than I have in 3 years. It literally makes me sick to my stomach to even think about. I am just so angry at myself for eating too much, and for letting this happen.

And yeah it kind of sucks, but I mean come on! There are so many people who have it SO much worse than this, it’s ridiculous! So who do I think I am to worry about it? What gives me the right? Argh it’s just making me so mad. I feel like such a waste of a person right now. Such a baby. So inadequate.

I am starting an Eating Disorder support group that is being provided through my church on Monday and I’m scared witless. Yeah I know you’re all going “oh great, Kate’s getting help, how wonderful” but it's so much harder than that. I am already so heavy right now…the EXACT weight (down to the lb) that I should be for my age and height…and anyone who has ever struggled with an ED will understand why that scares me SO very much. And now Im starting this group…what if I gain more? And though I’m open about it on CF when I finally reach my boiling point, I’m just not like that IRL. It makes me feel weak to talk about it, and again just like a baby when I hear about how much worse others have it. And I’m afraid to start this group and have to talk, and be honest, and open…I just don’t know.

I’m sitting here crying as I type this…I’m just so confused right now.

Kate

 

[full_of_faith]

I think you have taken the first step and realize that you have an eating disorder and now you are getting help for it. I think that is awesome!!!!

I'm sorry that you have no one to talk to IRL. Is there a close friend or a minister that you can talk to? Maybe a friend of yours has parents that you are close to and you could talk to them?

You are not a waste of a person!!! You are trying to help yourself.
You have an issue and you are working on resolving it. I know you are scared, etc. but you need to give it some time. I'm sure your issue didn't appear overnight, so it isn't going to disappear overnight, either.

What if you gain more weight? I don't know what to say other than to try to watch what you eat and exercise. I have never had an eating disorder, so I cannot really give more advice than that.

Hope this helps you some.

 

[bumblebee62331]

Kate sweetie I am in the same position. I am on the tail-end of the lower healthy range for a person of my age and height and I hate it. I am terrified of putting on weight - I weighed myself for the first time in months and I hate the number.

I think no matter what the number was though, I would have been disappointed. It's not about the number Kate. Forget the number. It's about how you feel. Not how your ED makes you feel, but how you feel. How Kate feels. How my beautiful friend feels.

Try to step back and really rationalise it. You are not fat. You don't need to lose weight. You don't have to gain weight. You can maintain. Can you maintain?

You are beautiful Kate and I can say that because I have seen your picture. Don't beat yourself up about something that doesn't exist. You are not fat, you are beautiful and special and wonderful.

 

[Soulwings]

Aww sweetie. I'm glad that you've come and let us know what's been going on. I think that the ED support group through your church is an AWESOME idea I can imagine that it will be hard but I think that it will be worth it.

I can totally empathise with you on the weight thing. I'm at the higher-end-of-still-healthy weight for my height, and it really scares me. I used to be at the low end of healthy, just in January, and without intending to, gained it all back since I started eating again.

But it doesn't mean you're fat, hun. Please try to realise that, as Katie said. You are a beautiful person, both inside and out. Do your best to not let the number rule your life, because there is SO much more out there for you.

I love you girl. Hang in there and things will get better. Weight isn't everything, even though it seems that it is right now. You ARE beautiful. And lovely. And an awesome friend. Take care of yourself xxx

 

[lladybugg]

you are a wonderful person. you know, those flowers on the side of the road that you saw? those werent there by accident. God sends you flowers every spring, and he sends you sunrises and sunsets, all because He loves you. He loves you with all his heart, and even if you WERE fat (which im totally confident that you're not at ALL) he would love you just the same. skinny or chubby, tall or short, dark or light, it doesnt matter... it matters WHO you are, not WHAT you. thats one of the hardest lessons ive learned through the teenage years ive had. i dont know you very well, but im ALWAYS looking for good Christian friends, and i have a feeling that you're one of the best. You're not fat - you're a beautiful loving human being... and here's something else to be thankful for - youre a GIRL!!

You're a sister to me in Christ, and i would be more than willing to talk with you ANY time.

I'm really glad you're doing the church program, too, by the way.

Love in Christ,
bugg

 

[luv4godremains]

you know what? you're sooo strong to have taken that step! and you know what? having an ED isn't good either way, there's no such thing as someone having it worse than another, one may struggle more than others, one may be more physically ill than another, but we have to try not to compare our ED's and how we feel to how others feel, cos at the end of the day, it'll just make us feel worse!
I mean, I don't have an ED anymore, only the psychologiucal effects, and it still makes me feel really weak and everything cos I'm like, when I skip meals, I never lose weight nemore, and it annoys me, but then I realise it shouldn't and I look at others and realise how much worse it could be, but, doing that kinda thing helps no one hun! when you begin to think like that, try to tell yourself that your problem and reasons for it can be completely different from another persons!
sorry, I'm babbling, but, yer, guess what I'm trying to say is you're soo strong for taking that step, and God is soo proud of you!
I'll be praying for ya hun!

 

[Kirley]

Hey Kate, you are soo lucky to have a support group. i dont know of any run through the church that my family attended. it will be hard, but its called a support group for a reason... us on here can help you and make you feel betta, but real people who can help you are much much betta.
you are beautiful and those ppl there in that group wil think exactly the same luv ya
xoxo

 

[jen_soccer13]

Hey Sweetie,

You know I love you to death. I don't know what to say because right now, I am feeling the same. Anyway, you know you can talk to me anytime that you need. I am sorry you are feeling this way but we will make it through together, ok?
Love you lots,
Jennifer

 

[PureGrace]

MAY TRIGGER!!




Thanks for all the replies

I went to the support group last night. Not quite sure what to think of it yet. IRL Im not very open at ALL until I know someone really well, and I fear that it may have come off as me being cold. When I'm nervous I shut myself inside a nice little box, and I think that's what I did. It was mostly introductions and stuff though, so I dont think I missed much. Hopefully next week will go better.

Every time I do something like that (counseling, etc) my mom gets mad if I dont immediately get better...and Im scared that thats how this will turn out. My ED is coming back with a vengence, unlike it has for a few years now. I am suddenly VERY concious and terrified of calories, and hate myself when I eat. I'm still angry at myself for something I ate yesterday

I DO eat...just not very much. It's strange...my perception of what is a lot of food is changing...or at least I think it is. Since I woke up (its now 2:40 pm) I have eaten an apple and a granola bar...and that seems like a TON when I think of it, in fact I'm almost embarassed to type it. I cant tell any more if that IS a lot of food, or if its in my head.

Thanks for listening to my guys, I appreciate it

Kate

 

[bumblebee62331]

Katie it sounds like you are still fighting it, you haven't given in, which is awesome. A part of you is telling you that you ate too much - but a part of you is battling back saying no, what you ate was normal - or too little in fact! Don't lose that second voice Kate - it's the voice sent by God.

I'm here if you need me. I hope the ED support group really helps you as you seem to be struggling right now. Remember how far you have come, how much you helped me when I was struggling - can you remember all the wonderful things you said to me to help me? Maybe it's time to tell yourself those things!

You are wonderful and special Kate, you have come so far, don't give up now!

 

[PureGrace]

MAY TRIGGER

Really struggling this morning

Yesterday, I felt like I did relatively good with not eating too much... [trigger] i had a granola bar, a few slices of hard boiled egg and 3 raviolis[/trigger] (that sounds like a lot. Cant tell any more. Is it a lot?) and this morning I can feel the hunger and it makes me feel on top of the world. I know I techinically should eat...but I want to lose weight so bad...and I know that by NOT eating, it will happen

 

[Soulwings]

Kate. Sweetie... that is hardly anything that you've eaten. That's about as much as a normal person eats in one (small) meal. I know how wonderful it feels to be hungry, I know, I've been there too many times to count, so these aren't just useless words. Starving is NOT going to keep the weight off, and here I also speak from experience. However much you weigh, as long as you're eating healthily and exercising, is how much you're supposed to weigh. The last number you told me was still a very healthy number - I know it seems like a lot, but it really is not very much at all.

I love you, Kate. You're beautiful and lovely just the way you are. You don't need to starve to be pretty. You're already there. You don't need to starve to be happy. You're just going to be unhealthy that way - you aren't going to gain any real happiness. Try to listen to us. You ARE beautiful.

*mountains of hugs*

 

[jen_soccer13]

Sweetie,

Even though it feels like you ate a lot to you, you really in reality ate very little. You ate less than an average person would eat in one meal. You are thin and beautiful Kate, although I know you can't see it, so try to listen to us. We can see the real stuff.
Jennifer

 

[Soulwings]

[ Jen ... what you say applies to you as well]

Love you both.