Confused - voices

[Juls88]

The problem that I have is partly to do with my Mental Health and partly to do with my relationship with God and a confusion amongst that.
It is to do with a not-so-common symptom of the Borderline Personality Disorder I was diagnosed with six years ago; the psychotic elements, principally that of hearing voices. The professionals that have dealt with my case over the years as both an outpatient and an inpatient are aware of this as are people I know well. But something I haven't really had the courage to talk to anyone about is what they "mean" to me.
I started hearing them when I was eleven - Two females externally. In terms of my MH by that stage I had been self-injuring for two years. They told me they were "angels" and that I was "special" and were initially very kind, very nice, very encouraging towards me. Two years later their tone changed and they became aggressive and degrading and belittling but still mantained that they were angels. The control they had over me was destructive. I became increasingly withdrawn and secretive and scared. It got to a head when i was fifteen and after weeks of their ordering to kill my brother (no reason, just that i had to kill him) I went into his room as he slept with a knife and sat inches from his face for about an hour absolutely torn before leaving, horrified that that was what this was coming to.
I went into therapy that year. Eventually i talked about them abd was prescribed anti-psychotics.
It is six years later. I have been on numerous APs in high doses and nothing has got rid of them. 400mg Chlorpromazine and Risperdal Consta combined managed to quieten them slightly in terms that the frequent screaming tone is lessened.
So I am lost in what, I suppose, is a normal questioning concerning my faith and science. What does it mean and what happens next? If a wide variety of anti-psychotics don't seem to touch them then maybe they are genuine? But if they were honest with me and they are "angels" then why the constant abuse? Why the demand to kill my brother? Is it a test? And if it is a test then what on earth do I have to do or achieve for them to go away?
The majority of my mind does believe it is purely psychological but the questions press.

I feel incredibly embarrassed typing this and I haven't worded it very well so I apologise for that.

Thank you if you read this far.

 

[Chaplain David]

The problem that I have is partly to do with my Mental Health and partly to do with my relationship with God and a confusion amongst that.
It is to do with a not-so-common symptom of the Borderline Personality Disorder I was diagnosed with six years ago; the psychotic elements, principally that of hearing voices. The professionals that have dealt with my case over the years as both an outpatient and an inpatient are aware of this as are people I know well. But something I haven't really had the courage to talk to anyone about is what they "mean" to me.
I started hearing them when I was eleven - Two females externally. In terms of my MH by that stage I had been self-injuring for two years. They told me they were "angels" and that I was "special" and were initially very kind, very nice, very encouraging towards me. Two years later their tone changed and they became aggressive and degrading and belittling but still mantained that they were angels. The control they had over me was destructive. I became increasingly withdrawn and secretive and scared. It got to a head when i was fifteen and after weeks of their ordering to kill my brother (no reason, just that i had to kill him) I went into his room as he slept with a knife and sat inches from his face for about an hour absolutely torn before leaving, horrified that that was what this was coming to.
I went into therapy that year. Eventually i talked about them abd was prescribed anti-psychotics.
It is six years later. I have been on numerous APs in high doses and nothing has got rid of them. 400mg Chlorpromazine and Risperdal Consta combined managed to quieten them slightly in terms that the frequent screaming tone is lessened.
So I am lost in what, I suppose, is a normal questioning concerning my faith and science. What does it mean and what happens next? If a wide variety of anti-psychotics don't seem to touch them then maybe they are genuine? But if they were honest with me and they are "angels" then why the constant abuse? Why the demand to kill my brother? Is it a test? And if it is a test then what on earth do I have to do or achieve for them to go away?
The majority of my mind does believe it is purely psychological but the questions press.

I feel incredibly embarrassed typing this and I haven't worded it very well so I apologise for that.

Thank you if you read this far.

I understand your embarrassment but there's no need to be. I admire your honesty and think that it shows strength. I would keep working with your medical practitioners and by all means talk to your pastor. Besides your own family, these people know you the best and are in the best positions to offer assistance. God bless you.

 

[OCDyeahyouknowme]

We can always know if it is God talking to us, or if it is one of His angels cause they deliver His messages. If what these angels are telling you goes against the Word of God then you can know that it is not of God but of the devil. The devil walks around "like" a angel of light and doesnt want us to know that it is him, cause if we know that it is satan then we will not listen, so therfore he disguises himeself. Hope that will give a little help

 

[brokeninside]

They very well may be angels but who's angels in the true question. If they were real Angels and from God they would not be abusive. If they were not God's angels but from the devil then they would come as wolves dressed in sheep's clothing. They real question is what kind of spiritual warfare are you doing to rid yourself of the voices. I am no professional I am no expert but there is a book that may help you deal with the things going on within yourself. It is call The Bondage Breaker by Neil Anderson. Take a look at it, it may help.

Blessings,
Broken

 

[myanchor]

Angels they may be, but as others have said, whose angels. There is a book that is in the tradition of C.S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters entitled Lord Foulgrin's letters. It can be an adjunct to your bible.

Hellbound Angels, you can always tell by if they respond to you with the truth about Jesus. Ask them who Jesus was and if He was the Son of God, and the Word. If they hem and haw, then you know they are Heaven's Angels. And you can pray in the name of the shed blood of Jesus when you are opressed by hellbound angels and God will move them away. It is best to have other Christians with you when this is going on. But you then must ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you any weaknesses in your life or sin in your life that must be dealt with and then you have to deal with it.

 

[Ave Maria]

Here is a good spiritual warfare prayer that you can recite when you are feeling attacked by the devil or demons:

St. Michael the Archangel, defender in battle, be my safeguard against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him we humbly pray and do thou oh prince of the Heavenly Host, by the power of God, cast into Hell Satan and all the evil spirits who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.

I know this is a Catholic prayer and that you are not Catholic but I thought you might be open to praying a Catholic prayer. Anyway, I just prayed this prayer for you.

Also, if you're hearing voices, make sure that you tell your psychiatrist this so he can put you on a good anti-psychotic.