I don't know what I'm hoping to find, but maybe some of you can relate to how I feel. At the moment I'm so confused. I'm alone at home, after not having gone to an exam because I paniced. The doctor's a sweetheart and just wants to help me so it will be taken care of, but I'm just confused and crying again.
Just after New Year I finally realized I couldn't feel more lost or alone and confused, betrayed, hopeless... in short, depressed. A doctor's visit and I'm on antidepressants and talking to 2 people from church. They both tell me there's hope and I've done the right thing. I just can't believe I'm here.
I'm 20 and have been so blessed. I've been given so much and yet I feel so hurt. Everyone has there story. Here's mine... well, the short version. I'm moved 10 times, lived in 3 different countries, grown up with only my mother in a chirstian home. By the time I was 12, I'd had many different sitters, even sleeping at thier homes if my mom was on nights. I had social problems at school, few friends, and was one of the best students in my class (actually I just did really well even if I didn't try). As a young kid I had constant headaches (still do) and was always loney.
As I got older, I learned the social tricks and peopled enjoyed my company and humor. By the beginning of college it seemed like I had it all. I'd graduted with good grades, had many friends, was respected in the youth, had been told by Olympians and Oly. coachs that I was talented in my hobby (which also takes about 20 hours a week of my time) and was starting a fun, challenging university study.
Of course not all was actually going well. The last year of high school, I saw my mother and a close uncle divided over the well being of the church, I saw how the church leaders hurt many of the congragation members and follow a path I don't agree with. (I heard a lot of stuff because of my postion, much was not common knowlegde and my current church is different one.) I also had a emotionlly abused, disabled, depressed aunt living with us to get away from her abusive husband for several months. A week after she returned to him, my mother was confined to bed for 3-4 months. I ran the househouding while preparing to get into university. I didn't get into my first choice (Lord's plan) but ended up somewhere else and moved again.
That was all a bit more than a year ago. During the past year, I learned to take care of myself, adjust to another culture shock, continue in my sport and finish my first year of college. I also met my boyfriend.
I finally started to really be able to talk to someone I trusted (my BF) and let someone close. Than my BF went though some personal problems (whichs he's gotten a lot of help for and continues to get). About 2 weeks later, the friends who helped me though that stopped talking to me because of something I had to mention to the church leaders (I understand why they are mad, but I also know I had to be honest about some things and the leaders stand behind me). But my trails weren't over and a week or two later, I heard the truth about a father I had thought never to have known. Actually I had known him but I didn't know it at the time because after my mother was pregnant he went back to his wife. I ended up being at there house quiet a bit the first 4-5 years of my life. His wife never knew I was his child. She died about 10 years ago.
That was in November. I didn't know how to respond to the schoks I recided this fall and just tried to survive the college sememster. It was about twice as much classtime as I had orginally thought.
I'd been feeling tired during the summer (moved during the summer... because of some reasons it was split, so it was like moving twice) but by November I was so exhausted, it did physical pain to wake up in the morning. Classes held no interest. I didn't want to have much to do with my sport and my BF seemed more and mored disappointed at how lazy I was. I had no energy to go anywhere or do anything and everything was too much. But the end of december I'd cried many times, agrued a lot with my BF, not confronted my mother about the pain I felt, ignored many of my friends, and could barely study.
By January I told my mom I couldn't take it anymore. She said everyone has down times. I looked at her and say, no this wasn't that. She nodded and has helped me a lot in the last weeks.
Anyway, I'm trying to do the things I'm told but I just dread everything. I feel like I've lived a life and don't have the strength to go on. I don't really care about anything. I don't have a reason to get up in the morning. Some days I feel better and do stuff (like as many examens as possible) and then I thing the meds are helping... and then a day like today comes along and I pretty much panic and don't know what to do. I cry and cry for no reason.
I guess I'm just wondering if there's hope... and how lang will it take... when will I feel more like myself?
Sorry if it was a long story... I just feel so confused, lost...
Just after New Year I finally realized I couldn't feel more lost or alone and confused, betrayed, hopeless... in short, depressed. A doctor's visit and I'm on antidepressants and talking to 2 people from church. They both tell me there's hope and I've done the right thing. I just can't believe I'm here.
I'm 20 and have been so blessed. I've been given so much and yet I feel so hurt. Everyone has there story. Here's mine... well, the short version. I'm moved 10 times, lived in 3 different countries, grown up with only my mother in a chirstian home. By the time I was 12, I'd had many different sitters, even sleeping at thier homes if my mom was on nights. I had social problems at school, few friends, and was one of the best students in my class (actually I just did really well even if I didn't try). As a young kid I had constant headaches (still do) and was always loney.
As I got older, I learned the social tricks and peopled enjoyed my company and humor. By the beginning of college it seemed like I had it all. I'd graduted with good grades, had many friends, was respected in the youth, had been told by Olympians and Oly. coachs that I was talented in my hobby (which also takes about 20 hours a week of my time) and was starting a fun, challenging university study.
Of course not all was actually going well. The last year of high school, I saw my mother and a close uncle divided over the well being of the church, I saw how the church leaders hurt many of the congragation members and follow a path I don't agree with. (I heard a lot of stuff because of my postion, much was not common knowlegde and my current church is different one.) I also had a emotionlly abused, disabled, depressed aunt living with us to get away from her abusive husband for several months. A week after she returned to him, my mother was confined to bed for 3-4 months. I ran the househouding while preparing to get into university. I didn't get into my first choice (Lord's plan) but ended up somewhere else and moved again.
That was all a bit more than a year ago. During the past year, I learned to take care of myself, adjust to another culture shock, continue in my sport and finish my first year of college. I also met my boyfriend.
I finally started to really be able to talk to someone I trusted (my BF) and let someone close. Than my BF went though some personal problems (whichs he's gotten a lot of help for and continues to get). About 2 weeks later, the friends who helped me though that stopped talking to me because of something I had to mention to the church leaders (I understand why they are mad, but I also know I had to be honest about some things and the leaders stand behind me). But my trails weren't over and a week or two later, I heard the truth about a father I had thought never to have known. Actually I had known him but I didn't know it at the time because after my mother was pregnant he went back to his wife. I ended up being at there house quiet a bit the first 4-5 years of my life. His wife never knew I was his child. She died about 10 years ago.
That was in November. I didn't know how to respond to the schoks I recided this fall and just tried to survive the college sememster. It was about twice as much classtime as I had orginally thought.
I'd been feeling tired during the summer (moved during the summer... because of some reasons it was split, so it was like moving twice) but by November I was so exhausted, it did physical pain to wake up in the morning. Classes held no interest. I didn't want to have much to do with my sport and my BF seemed more and mored disappointed at how lazy I was. I had no energy to go anywhere or do anything and everything was too much. But the end of december I'd cried many times, agrued a lot with my BF, not confronted my mother about the pain I felt, ignored many of my friends, and could barely study.
By January I told my mom I couldn't take it anymore. She said everyone has down times. I looked at her and say, no this wasn't that. She nodded and has helped me a lot in the last weeks.
Anyway, I'm trying to do the things I'm told but I just dread everything. I feel like I've lived a life and don't have the strength to go on. I don't really care about anything. I don't have a reason to get up in the morning. Some days I feel better and do stuff (like as many examens as possible) and then I thing the meds are helping... and then a day like today comes along and I pretty much panic and don't know what to do. I cry and cry for no reason.
I guess I'm just wondering if there's hope... and how lang will it take... when will I feel more like myself?
Sorry if it was a long story... I just feel so confused, lost...
