Confused - facing third divorce :-(

[VioletLady]

Hello there my dear friends.

I really believe that one can never make judgements on our brothers/sisters on face value...there is always more to it than meets the eye.

I have been married three times, and each time, I believe, it was for the right reasons.

First time, I was 20. My son was born two years later, and I moved away from our common interest...beer! My husband was always flirting with other women, and I know he had one affair. I left him, with our son, after he committed a sexual assault on a girl.

My second husband, my daughter's father, became incredibly violent and abusive, after what I thought was a wonderful first year together. He broke my finger, beat me to a pulp and set me on fire. He was also abusive to my son, and eventually, I turned to drugs, I just couldn't cope, and I lost custody of my son.
When I got pregnant with my daughter, I sobered up...she really was sent to me from heaven.

The abuse continued throughout the pregnancy, and after a C-section, my husband threatened me that if I didn't keep the baby quiet, he would hurt her. I left, baby in arms, when she was but a month old, to an uncertain future.

I know now that God took care of us during those times. I left with nothing...but all our needs were met. My daughter is now 6 1/2 and thriving. We moved 250 miles away to start a new life, the best thing I ever did.

Anyway, 4 1/2 years ago, I was introduced to a guy, having been on my own for two years. Don't get me wrong...I am quite happy to be on my own!!

We got married 15 months later. I was, and am, in love with him, but his moods were totally unpredictable, and I never knew whether the 'nice' or 'nasty' guy was coming home. (I will just mention, he became an active member of the church of Scientology - and tried to convert us) He was intolerant of my daughter, and openly disliked my son, so I said, 'NO!' I refuse to live like this, again. He left in July, and since then, I REALLY became a Christian, having searched for a long time. I was confirmed at my local church in November.

My husband does not want a divorce, although he has no intention of going for counselling, Relate, Christian counselling or otherwise. I will not go to Scientology.

He is 17 years older than me, and only wants to meet up for 'coffee' and 'the cinema', and Lord forgive me...I want either a real relationship, or the chance to start again and find a good, Christian man who will love me AND my family - and get that back in return. I am beyond the whole thing of popcorn and a peck on the cheek. Whilst we lived together over four years, he NEVER wanted to spend any time with me, and every weekend, all weekend was spent with his friends and his boat. When I complained, he would say, 'well- what's the problem! You can spend time with me. Put on a boiler suit and help me scrub the boat!'
He used to tell me how unattractive I am. I get cross, because I feel that, after everything I've been through, I shouldn't have to feel like that.

I know I've gone on a bit...but I can tell you wholeheartedly, I have always given 100% to my relationships, and never been unfaithful. If it's the Lord's will that I stay alone, then great - likewise, if He wants me to honour my marriage to my third husband, ok. I seperated before I became a Christian, so I just don't know. The MAIN consideration is my kids. I can't help but feel that, if I were to divorce, no Christian man would want me, being 'soiled goods'.

God bless all of you,

V. L. xxx

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

It all sounds so painful. I feel for you. Whether it's our choice or the other persons choice it seems so easy to hurt one another.
What you mentioned about "soiled goods" I can relate to.
I'm going through my 2nd divorce, The Lord loves you so above all else be faithful to Him.

 

[Godisgr8r]

You aren't soiled goods. It sounds to me like you did what you could to save your marriages, and I think any man that was interested in you, would understand. There are plenty of women who haven't been married and have just slept with a lot of men that find good Christian men to date and marry. What God has forgiven, shouldn't be held against you.

 

[psalms66]

If it were me, and it's not, so take this with a grain of salt, but if there has been no biblical grounds for divorce then stay married. You don't have to live with his moodiness, yet he is very happy to stay married to you. That puts you in an awkward position I think. The "unbelieving spouse" and all that. And a good position. YOu have freedom in your day to day life, I assume he is still helping support you? and you admittedly don't mind being single. So just stay seperated.

I realize this won't be a popluar opinion. Lost of guys can be "moody" (wait a minute.... they all are right? ) that's hardly reason enough to get a divorce. But maybe there is more that you're not telling us about?

Something you said though struck a chord. "soiled goods". If you reasoning is correct then you were "soiled goods" after the first marriage. I'm betting that like me, you thin of yourself in this light quite often. And the last thing you want is to take that low self-value into another relationship.

I would leave things as they are, get in counseling yourself, and wait.

Hugs to you. Just keep doing the right thing. It will eventually all work out for the best.

Right?

.
.
.
.
. right?

 

[tryingtobeagain]

I feel that God wants us to be happy and that if we are not being treated well then it's best to leave. Don't think of yourself as spoiled, think of yourself as washed clean by God. Talk to God or a christian counsellor and find yourself before looking to a man for aything. I will be praying for you.

 

[VioletLady]

Hi there everyone, and thank you for your kindness.

I have just got back from evening communion at church. It was a quiet service, and when I left church the temperature had plummeted. Brrrr!!

I also had my husband over for his dinner. He has just moved into his new flat.

I must admit, I try to bury my feelings when it comes to him. I still love him deeply, but I don't trust that I am not going to get hurt by him...psalms66, you were spot on when you said there is more to it. Anyone can have their moods, and that's cool. No problem at all. But I think, after the very violent, unstable relationship is was in before, I am more frightened by any show of violence. My present husband was never physically violent to me, but he has smashed my things, screamed at me, and has been pretty intimidating at times. I just refuse to put up with any violence or intimidation in my own home. I get angry and think, I have been through too much, both me and the kids, to put up with anything less than a stable home life. Oh yes...and the guy is tee total, so his outbursts can't be blamed on booze.

I am in counselling, and feel that I've resolved a lot, and forgiven people from my past (including myself! )

At Christmas, he asked if he could come back to live with us. I said yes, but only after we have done lots of talking, and therapy, if needs be. The minister at church even offered to mediate between us.

So last week, after all that, he tells me that he's moving into a bigger flat.

I am not looking for an easy way out of the marriage, I just want to do the right thing. Yes, he does help me out, and now he doesn't live here, he is usually nice to me and the kids.

I think maybe it is a fault with me, I am so determined to provide as much of a sancuary for my daughter and myself (and my son when he's here) as I can, that I can't bear the thought of anyone threatening that...

I also resent the intrusion of my husband's religion on our lives. It's just like he assumed that I would convert as well (he had a Christian upbringing) and has really tried the 'hard sell'.

Ok - I've done it again, sorry for going on! I thank you all for your support, and God bless.

V. L.

 

[4Christ2]

I stayed in an abusive marriage for 25 years. To this day I feel the deep regret in not getting out sooner! Why? Because it was not just a question of me being his wife; it was also a question of his being our children's father. If I chose to live in that kind of unstable environment, then fine. But I had no right to keep my children in it!

If he's not already an abusive personality...he's very close to it. Screaming and breaking your things is CONTROLLING behavior designed purposely to scare you and your children. It is not only morally wrong, it is against the law!

You are right to protect yourself and your children's well-being. I would never tell anyone to divorce; but separation is a good move until he agrees to godly counsel and intervention NOW and seriously commit to it! Don't let him back into your home until it is occurring consistently.

I am praying for you and your children. Also am praying that the Lord will 'SHAKE' him and show him the error of his ways towards his wife and children!

BTW, my husband never would agree to counseling. So while we were separated (for the third time)...he found someone else, divorced me, and remarried. Recognize that you will not be able to control what he does - but you can control what you accept. This is NOT the time to be submissive - he is not loving you as Jesus loves His Bride (us).

God Keep You Safe and Shine Blessings Upon You,
Your Sis in Christ Jesus, 4C