Well, I want to get married. My boyfriend is 26 and I am 21 and we have been dating for 2 years and are completely in love but when I mention marriage it's always a tough subject. He told me within 5 months of dating I was the one and I know he is the one too but when we talk about the future it's always about money. He works weekends and during the week and he still goes to school and I get that we wouldn't have enough money to be on our own but why hasn't he tried to get a better job? I go to school full time and on my way to becoming a radiologist technician but I feel like he is just waiting for me to finish so I can make the money and then we can get married. But I need him to be the leader, I know just waiting it out and keep praying would be the normal answers and I do pray about it but I just get so depressed and when I mention it there is no solution in the end, nothing can change and I feel stuck and can't be happy. I sound anxious and obsessed but I love him and I want to be his, I want to do his laundry, his dishes, I want to pray with him every morning and support him I want to make him happy I want to go to church with him every Sunday and bible study nights, I love helping with the church and I want both of us to be more involved but I feel like we won't get to that point because he will constantly be worried about money.
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Confused and Tired.
- Thread starter sweet_bee
- Start date
NiobiumTragedy
Glorious Tragedy
I understand his concern. Money can be a real deal breaker in a relationship and the cause of much stress. It's the leading cause of divorce and has the power to ruin relationships if no answer is forthcoming.
In a way, he is right to wait. Not waiting and not being in a financial state that will allow the bills to be payed will put a lot of strain on the relationship.
On the other hand, if he is really serious about getting married and wants to do it in the same time frame as you, he needs to put some effort into taking those steps forward.
Your best bet is to sit down, talk with him, and make sure you're on the same page. Especially if the finances aren't the only reason for the delay.
In a way, he is right to wait. Not waiting and not being in a financial state that will allow the bills to be payed will put a lot of strain on the relationship.
On the other hand, if he is really serious about getting married and wants to do it in the same time frame as you, he needs to put some effort into taking those steps forward.
Your best bet is to sit down, talk with him, and make sure you're on the same page. Especially if the finances aren't the only reason for the delay.
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Mrs. Luther073082
Commit to the LORD whatever you do - Proverbs 16:3
Marriage should be a tough subject. It is not a decision to take lightly. Finances are a very big part of marital distress (and even divorce) in many relationships and so it is smart of your BF to be concerned. The solution of getting a different job may seem simple to you, but you have to look at the big picture and kind of times we are in with this economy. Right now if a person has a job, they are in good shape and should do what they can to keep it, even if it is not the best job. Also, you said that your BF is still in school and works weekdays as well as weekends. Surely, since you are a student, too, you must know that balancing a job and school is tough. It would make sense to me if he is not able to take on a more difficult job right now. It sounds like he has no downtime as it is. Getting married and adding more responsibilities (both to each other and in being on your own with more bills to pay and things to take care of) would just be more stressful at this time, for both of you. It would be hard to balance all of those things, and it would take away from your ability to concentrate on the marriage. Finally, it sounds like you have some issues with the idea of making more money than he does, which I don't really understand, but I digress. I would highly recommend going to premarital counseling if you are serious about marriage, because you two need to be on the same page about a lot of things (and it sounds like you're not).
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Well I don't have issues with making more money, it's not about making more. My parents have wanted me to have the highest paying job ever so I can be independent and self reliant financially. Both of us could care less who makes more as long as we have enough to pay the bills. I am so proud of him for juggling everything and even me, and I don't complain when we don't see each other because I know how hard it is. He is tired of living pay check to pay check but there just seems to be no change. I know during these times it is very hard to find a job let alone get a better one but he is no ordinary guy, he knows people and have talked with them already and he seems confused and I understand that but I just feel stuck in the same place everyday.
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Mrs. Luther073082
Commit to the LORD whatever you do - Proverbs 16:3
Ok. I guess I misinterpretted what you were trying to say. In reading your post, this part --> "I feel like he is just waiting for me to finish so I can make the money and then we can get married. But I need him to be the leader" made me think you had issues with making more money than him.
How much longer do the two of you have until you finish school?
How much longer do the two of you have until you finish school?
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3 years probably or 4. It doesn't seem much I know but those years could be spent together.
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eatenbylocusts
Senior Veteran
The thing that sets off alarm bells with me is your statement that you are both "the one" for each other. Do you know how many people say that and end up divorced? I don't believe that there is only "one" in most circumstances. And if there is, I think we don't recognize it. The person who will make a good spouse will share similar values and compatibilities and of course will be mentally healthy and mature. School is stressful and may set off arguments in a marriage that leads to resentment and hard-heartedness. Marriage will always have stressors, but hopefully age and preparation are used to deal with them.
I know what this sounded like to me, but after living through it I just have to tell you that there is no substitute for life experience. You could rush and start your married life together earlier, but what will the end result be? Will there be arguing and a divorce down the road?
A friend just 3 years younger than me questioned why my fiance and I didn't just hurry up and get married since we often stay up too late because we have trouble saying goodbye. We won't be finished with a parenting class until November and we are now signed up for a marriage preparedness class that will finish in October. When I said I wanted to finish the marriage class first she then stated that it looked like we hadn't really made up our mind to marry if we needed the class first. I couldn't figure out how to verbalize it at the time, but it is about preparation and going into a marriage in the best possible circumstances. I don't want to take the classes to make up my mind. I know how arguments and differences can lead to big problems down the road. One scenario is that a couple goes into marriage not knowing how to deal with disagreements in a healthy way and things may be said that hurt and might be difficult to get past. A better plan in my view is to prepare for what is ahead and have the tough discussions before marriage, some that couples may not even think of having. Why start a marriage with circumstances that will cause stress if they are temporary stressors? My fiance needs to add another bathroom and closet to make room for me and my kids. My friend countered that I could just bring a mininal amount of clothes to the house in order to move up the wedding date. A house in the middle of a remodel is not the best way to start out a marriage just to shave off a few months of waiting. There will be more remodeling to the house after we are married, but we aren't going to start that way. We will have an opportunity to get used to being a family before the dust starts up again. We haven't had an argument yet, but we are going to take classes that will discuss how to do this in a healthy way. We've both been around and had good role models so this will be a review, but I see it as insurance against an unhappy marriage.
Honestly 3 or 4 years is a long time to wait if you want to get married, but if you look at the big picture, it will make the wait more tolerable if you understand you're preparing for a long life together. You can still serve in ministry together as singles and you can do things now that you won't be able to do if kids come into the picture. Being celibate for that long if you both have healthy appetites seems pretty difficult to me so I'd be thinking about less than 2 years and maybe the income situation was more stable or possibly one of you might be done with school by that time? Those 2 years of living as an adult and making decisions are just as important in my book as removing a stressor or two.
Your bf isn't ready for marriage. At this point you shouldn't be pushing it because he has valid reasons for waiting-good solid reasons. If he still doesn't want to get married after some years have gone by then you still shouldn't push it, you should pray and move on. Two years of dating seems like a lot at my age, but at your age it seems like a good beginning to me. The two of you are going to be going through many changes in the next few years. A man who doesn't rush into marriage because he wants to prepare to be a provider is much more desirable than a man who rushes into marriage just so he can have sex.
I know what this sounded like to me, but after living through it I just have to tell you that there is no substitute for life experience. You could rush and start your married life together earlier, but what will the end result be? Will there be arguing and a divorce down the road?
A friend just 3 years younger than me questioned why my fiance and I didn't just hurry up and get married since we often stay up too late because we have trouble saying goodbye. We won't be finished with a parenting class until November and we are now signed up for a marriage preparedness class that will finish in October. When I said I wanted to finish the marriage class first she then stated that it looked like we hadn't really made up our mind to marry if we needed the class first. I couldn't figure out how to verbalize it at the time, but it is about preparation and going into a marriage in the best possible circumstances. I don't want to take the classes to make up my mind. I know how arguments and differences can lead to big problems down the road. One scenario is that a couple goes into marriage not knowing how to deal with disagreements in a healthy way and things may be said that hurt and might be difficult to get past. A better plan in my view is to prepare for what is ahead and have the tough discussions before marriage, some that couples may not even think of having. Why start a marriage with circumstances that will cause stress if they are temporary stressors? My fiance needs to add another bathroom and closet to make room for me and my kids. My friend countered that I could just bring a mininal amount of clothes to the house in order to move up the wedding date. A house in the middle of a remodel is not the best way to start out a marriage just to shave off a few months of waiting. There will be more remodeling to the house after we are married, but we aren't going to start that way. We will have an opportunity to get used to being a family before the dust starts up again. We haven't had an argument yet, but we are going to take classes that will discuss how to do this in a healthy way. We've both been around and had good role models so this will be a review, but I see it as insurance against an unhappy marriage.
Honestly 3 or 4 years is a long time to wait if you want to get married, but if you look at the big picture, it will make the wait more tolerable if you understand you're preparing for a long life together. You can still serve in ministry together as singles and you can do things now that you won't be able to do if kids come into the picture. Being celibate for that long if you both have healthy appetites seems pretty difficult to me so I'd be thinking about less than 2 years and maybe the income situation was more stable or possibly one of you might be done with school by that time? Those 2 years of living as an adult and making decisions are just as important in my book as removing a stressor or two.
Your bf isn't ready for marriage. At this point you shouldn't be pushing it because he has valid reasons for waiting-good solid reasons. If he still doesn't want to get married after some years have gone by then you still shouldn't push it, you should pray and move on. Two years of dating seems like a lot at my age, but at your age it seems like a good beginning to me. The two of you are going to be going through many changes in the next few years. A man who doesn't rush into marriage because he wants to prepare to be a provider is much more desirable than a man who rushes into marriage just so he can have sex.
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I think that this will take time, and yes it might be awhile and we will have urges but if we just stay strong together and not turn against one another then we will be fine. No need to rush but I dream of the day when we will share the rest of our lives together. I get tired of the same old routine of going to school and only seeing him at church and for 30 seconds at school but those times should be cherished and my life could be worse and I am very blessed, I guess I'm just a little impatient with our situation. All the couples have been getting married lately in our church and I just felt left out but there are still a few singles left and I should not feel bad. One day it will be my turn hopefully.
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He works Friday, Saturday and Sunday from 10a-6p except Friday he works 4p-8p but his morning is spent doing homework. Then during the week he works at a different job Wednesdays and Thursdays. So he just wants to relax and do homework on his days off, and I understand I just miss him. After this semester of school though he will be transferring to a university.
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98cwitr
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well I worked 3 jobs and took 2 classes and still made time to see my girl, if he is being truthful he would be letting you relax with him, nothing better than to sit down after a hard days work, put an arm around her and watch a movie or cook dinner together. If he is transferring, do you see that affecting the relationship?
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If he transfers I know I will see him a little less. It doesn't bother me because I know that he is working hard to just finish it all so he can provide for us one day. We do spend time together when he has a day off or between jobs but we live about 30 miles away from each other, it makes it a little harder but we still spend at least 2 days a week hanging out or relaxing or going out on dates with others. I don't see him going to a different school hurting us it's just I will see him less. I did manage to talk to him about all this and he has the same concerns but we are praying about it together and we are on the same page. I was worried that I was the only one who felt this way out of our relationship but he said he is nervous about transferring but he also said that he will make the same amount of time for me if not more. And his weekend boss wants to put him on weekdays soon so he can do school and work during the week and have weekends with me again which will be great!
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Digit
Senior Veteran
Hey sweet_bee,
Life is pretty tough regardless, even those with all the money in the world face other issues - and it's never perfect. I'm a firm believer of where there is a will, there is a way. My wife and I haven't been employed at the same time since we got married over two years ago. The thing is, if you wait, life can throw all sorts of other issues at you - if you are waiting for the perfect time, there really isn't one.
This doesn't mean go nuts, it just means live according to your means. When you marry, you form a union, and you are no longer acting individually. It sounds like you both have the right ideas towards finances, in that you are cautious and smart, but ultimately don't mind where it comes from.
My advice is to do a couple of things. Try and attend a marriage preparation course together, which is pretty light learning, but I think it will reveal a lot about the Biblical roles of husband and wife, and, it may help your man to understand his leadership role better. Secondly I would suggest drawing up a budget of your expenses and such, to see where you stand financially.
Just try and remember you guys are about to share everything if you get married, that includes the good and the bad. If one stumbles, the other picks up the slack. Also a word of caution, if you guys are nuts in love, and aren't spending much time together, just be aware that going from zero to hero in the time regard, means you will suddenly be spending way more time together and that could impact things. It's not something to be afraid of or anything, but just be aware that there may be times you want to be alone, and that that is ok. After a while I think it will reconcile and you will be back to your crazy in-love selves.
Life is pretty tough regardless, even those with all the money in the world face other issues - and it's never perfect. I'm a firm believer of where there is a will, there is a way. My wife and I haven't been employed at the same time since we got married over two years ago. The thing is, if you wait, life can throw all sorts of other issues at you - if you are waiting for the perfect time, there really isn't one.
This doesn't mean go nuts, it just means live according to your means. When you marry, you form a union, and you are no longer acting individually. It sounds like you both have the right ideas towards finances, in that you are cautious and smart, but ultimately don't mind where it comes from.
My advice is to do a couple of things. Try and attend a marriage preparation course together, which is pretty light learning, but I think it will reveal a lot about the Biblical roles of husband and wife, and, it may help your man to understand his leadership role better. Secondly I would suggest drawing up a budget of your expenses and such, to see where you stand financially.
Just try and remember you guys are about to share everything if you get married, that includes the good and the bad. If one stumbles, the other picks up the slack. Also a word of caution, if you guys are nuts in love, and aren't spending much time together, just be aware that going from zero to hero in the time regard, means you will suddenly be spending way more time together and that could impact things. It's not something to be afraid of or anything, but just be aware that there may be times you want to be alone, and that that is ok. After a while I think it will reconcile and you will be back to your crazy in-love selves.
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