I recently married a christian man, as I myself am chrisian, we made a mistake. Before we were married we had sex, and quickly realized what we did was wrong. It has been about a year and a half since we are together, and it looks like we are headed for divorce. I have tired to repent but fear that God never blessed my marriage since we sinned. I am so confused, my husband left our home and its reached the point where we are violent towards each other. I feel like i dont know how to fix this problem. I feel abonded by God. I was never a great Christian but after I got married I wanted to change for God. Now I fear that I will be divorced which is yet another horrible sin I will committ. I guess im lookign for someone with any advice or words of hope I would sincerely appreciate them. In Jesus name~
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confused and scared
- Thread starter hungry4God
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Wow, I'm so sorry for your situation. I don't think God is abandoning you though. Yes you made a mistake, we're all human and as long as you have repented for it then God will forgive. You say you are violent towards each other? Is this physical where you guys are hurting each other or just verbal violence? Is this the reason you feel that you're going to divorce? I think you guys should get some counseling. This can be fixed and I don't think God in any way would want his children to divorce. This isn't what God wants. Keep striving for the Lord and seek His guidance and prayer. I hope things will work out for you. I know exactly how you feel. My wife has already left and I know how abondoned you feel. Just do your best to keep your head up. Pray pray and pray some more.
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madison1101
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- Sep 17, 2004
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If you want to work on your marriage, check Stormie O'Martian's book "The Power of a Praying Wife." It will help you with your commitment to God for your marriage. There is also a book "Praying God's Will for Your Husband." I don't know who it is by. Both have wives praying for their husbands.
Have you tried marriage counseling? It might help.
God can bless your marriage. It is really up to both of you.
Hugs,
Madison
Have you tried marriage counseling? It might help.
God can bless your marriage. It is really up to both of you.
Hugs,
Madison
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The two resources I recommend a lot may be worth checking out.
Jimmy Evans' Marriage on the Rock series from www.famtoday.com is absolutely wonderful for learning and building a marriage upon Biblical principles. It's also very practical, i believe.
The second might be more timely. A book called "How God WILL Restore Your Marriage" by Dan and Erin Theile at Restore Ministries (www.marriagehelponline.com) is a wonderful resource as well. There are actually two books - one for the men and one for the women. The words in these books are great for building a strong marriage, or helping to restore a marriage headed towards separation or divorce.
I believe in marriage, and I believe that all marriages have the opportunity to become a wonderful, joyful Godly marriage. All it takes is humility, patience, perseverance and a Faith that can move mountains...
Don't give up. Never give up. Never utter the "D" word - as soon as you have, the enemy will take hold and never let go. Dig deep, dig long... but never stop digging. Also - if you focus on what is not working, you'll never realize all of the positive, wonderful, amazing things that are such huge blessings to your marriage. Focus on what is working, expand on that!!!
Blessings...
Jimmy Evans' Marriage on the Rock series from www.famtoday.com is absolutely wonderful for learning and building a marriage upon Biblical principles. It's also very practical, i believe.
The second might be more timely. A book called "How God WILL Restore Your Marriage" by Dan and Erin Theile at Restore Ministries (www.marriagehelponline.com) is a wonderful resource as well. There are actually two books - one for the men and one for the women. The words in these books are great for building a strong marriage, or helping to restore a marriage headed towards separation or divorce.
I believe in marriage, and I believe that all marriages have the opportunity to become a wonderful, joyful Godly marriage. All it takes is humility, patience, perseverance and a Faith that can move mountains...
Don't give up. Never give up. Never utter the "D" word - as soon as you have, the enemy will take hold and never let go. Dig deep, dig long... but never stop digging. Also - if you focus on what is not working, you'll never realize all of the positive, wonderful, amazing things that are such huge blessings to your marriage. Focus on what is working, expand on that!!!
Blessings...
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- Aug 3, 2004
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Sexual sins are as forgiveable as any other. It is sad that you went into a marriage believing that God was till holding a complaint over you. That is not the basis for a great marriage, great frienship, great relationship with God, great sex.
Violence is another matter. On one should live in a relationship where they are physically abused. Nor should you be denied another marriage if this one fails because of yoru husband's violence.
Can both of you seek help to get your marriage back together? This should be your first priority. But, if you are not safe, this does not mean living with him. Until you are confident enough that he has really changed you can choose to live apart.Get help and advice from respected church leaders.
John
NZ
Violence is another matter. On one should live in a relationship where they are physically abused. Nor should you be denied another marriage if this one fails because of yoru husband's violence.
Can both of you seek help to get your marriage back together? This should be your first priority. But, if you are not safe, this does not mean living with him. Until you are confident enough that he has really changed you can choose to live apart.Get help and advice from respected church leaders.
John
NZ
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I apprecaite all of you who have given me wonderful advice thus far. I am still scared though, since I had my husband leave our home yesterday, when he was just too angry and termpermental. I don't know if he wants to work things out but I am giving him space to think, becasue his mind is not clear. I sent him those websites suggested and hope that he will consider saving this marriage and changing his attitude, as I too must change mine. Please continue to pray for us, I couldn't sleep let alone eat, and I just feel so alone. I hope I made the right decision in asking him to leave. I hope I didnt push him away more, but rather made him see that this is a serious problem and that I have become so desperate that I dont know what to do anymore. God willing he will forgive us and help us restore our marriage
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First of all, hang in there. He brings us THROUGH the valley, not into it.
Second, be very cautious of telling him what to do or doing something dramatic in hopes that he will save this marriage. It's a two way street - you BOTH need to put effort into this, not just one of you. Sending him the web sites may help, IF he is open to reading them and knows in his heart and feels in his mind that you are doing this to help and not cast blame. If it at all comes across as a "you need to change x,y,z to save our marriage" - I.E. pointing fingers... Well, it will be a longer road and greater struggle. It's not all his fault, so don't make him feel like you are focusing on fault in him and not yourselft.
I've maintained that all of us who go through marital struggles or divorce go through it because of ourselves - NOT the other person. That is to say, the discipline that is handed down (Hebrews 12) is discipline for our own good - not because of what our spouse has/has not done. If you can look at this as an opportunity for a) marital enrichment and b) personal growth rather than an opportunity to change your husband, you will find a greater ease at getting through this time, and a greater peace on the other side. However, you must focus on your own faults and not your husbands. Focus on his strengths, his gifts and all the good things that he brings to the marriage (note: not the good things he brings to you - to the marriage. They are two very different things). The moment you focus on his negatives and your positives - well - it's doomed.
I speak from a sadness of my own experience. Focusing on the other's faults will only bring strife and division. Focusing on your own growth areas and your spouses gifts will bring closeness...
bkg
Second, be very cautious of telling him what to do or doing something dramatic in hopes that he will save this marriage. It's a two way street - you BOTH need to put effort into this, not just one of you. Sending him the web sites may help, IF he is open to reading them and knows in his heart and feels in his mind that you are doing this to help and not cast blame. If it at all comes across as a "you need to change x,y,z to save our marriage" - I.E. pointing fingers... Well, it will be a longer road and greater struggle. It's not all his fault, so don't make him feel like you are focusing on fault in him and not yourselft.
I've maintained that all of us who go through marital struggles or divorce go through it because of ourselves - NOT the other person. That is to say, the discipline that is handed down (Hebrews 12) is discipline for our own good - not because of what our spouse has/has not done. If you can look at this as an opportunity for a) marital enrichment and b) personal growth rather than an opportunity to change your husband, you will find a greater ease at getting through this time, and a greater peace on the other side. However, you must focus on your own faults and not your husbands. Focus on his strengths, his gifts and all the good things that he brings to the marriage (note: not the good things he brings to you - to the marriage. They are two very different things). The moment you focus on his negatives and your positives - well - it's doomed.
I speak from a sadness of my own experience. Focusing on the other's faults will only bring strife and division. Focusing on your own growth areas and your spouses gifts will bring closeness...
bkg
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My 2 cents...I agree with BKG...speaking as a divorced person, it is NOT the answer. Perhaps this separation for a short time will be helpful, (I think if my ex and I had an opportunity to separate for a while we would be together today. Just because time and space gives you a different perspective...do not rush anything when it comes to your marriage!) but also as BKG stated, be very careful in advising your husband to resources. Focus on what YOU need to 'change'. Look for YOUR sins and do what YOU can to make things better. I thought that is what I did in my marriage and now a year and a half later I see, no I was fooling myself. I was so blinded my his flaws that I refused to see my sin.
I think too you have to forgive yourself of your sins before you were married. You said that "you quickly realized what you did was wrong." That being the case, I can only assume that you asked for forgiveness and repented. Sometimes we cannot understand the Lord and how He could or would forgive us and so we cannot forgive ourselves. If you have asked forgiveness then accept it and move forward in making your marriage the statement for God that you said it was the day you got married.
I cannot stress enough...divorce is not the answer. May I also suggest Laura Schessingers book, 'The proper Care and Feeding of Husband's'. Do not let the tile throw you off. She talks mostly about the difficult time men have in being men and what it is they are really asking for. I found it very insightful (although I found it after my divorce) as she uses men's own words and their thoughts and expression as to what they are feeling and what the desire. They just may not express it in a way that us women understand all the time or the way would, but there heart is there and the desire is there.
My heart is with you and I understand the hurt and anger you have regading your situation. Find and cling to friend (women friends) that will pray with you, listen to you but who will not put your husband down. As much as you and they may want to that is not going to help. It is not about being right or justified. We do not know all that you do, but please try and stay soft hearted, and listen to the Lord. Stay humble and vulnerable, as hard as that is at times. It really is the best for you in the long run. Satan wants nothing more that to claim yet another marriage for 'his side'.
I think too you have to forgive yourself of your sins before you were married. You said that "you quickly realized what you did was wrong." That being the case, I can only assume that you asked for forgiveness and repented. Sometimes we cannot understand the Lord and how He could or would forgive us and so we cannot forgive ourselves. If you have asked forgiveness then accept it and move forward in making your marriage the statement for God that you said it was the day you got married.
I cannot stress enough...divorce is not the answer. May I also suggest Laura Schessingers book, 'The proper Care and Feeding of Husband's'. Do not let the tile throw you off. She talks mostly about the difficult time men have in being men and what it is they are really asking for. I found it very insightful (although I found it after my divorce) as she uses men's own words and their thoughts and expression as to what they are feeling and what the desire. They just may not express it in a way that us women understand all the time or the way would, but there heart is there and the desire is there.
My heart is with you and I understand the hurt and anger you have regading your situation. Find and cling to friend (women friends) that will pray with you, listen to you but who will not put your husband down. As much as you and they may want to that is not going to help. It is not about being right or justified. We do not know all that you do, but please try and stay soft hearted, and listen to the Lord. Stay humble and vulnerable, as hard as that is at times. It really is the best for you in the long run. Satan wants nothing more that to claim yet another marriage for 'his side'.
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fruitrach
Senior Member
Just wanted to add to what people have already said about sexual sin being as forgiveable as any other sin. God really really has already forgiven you both completely for what happened all those years ago.
But have you forgiven yourself?
I think it's really important that the two of you forgive yourselves and each other for the mistake you have made. I believe that if you can do this, it'll release you from a whole stack of guilt and fear that you're struggling under at the moment.
But have you forgiven yourself?
I think it's really important that the two of you forgive yourselves and each other for the mistake you have made. I believe that if you can do this, it'll release you from a whole stack of guilt and fear that you're struggling under at the moment.
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