Conflicting views on my own sexuality

[Lady Bug]

I don't even know where to begin with this. I really don't want to appear graphic either as not to trigger anyone.

I'm having both a love/hate relationship with the idea of sex and it's tormenting me.

I feel as if I know "nothing" about how to have sex. (Then again, Adam and Eve weren't given instructions either). I've gone to websites that explain, and in the process I'm tormented with this desire that I don't know how to explain. I also think I've run into temptations to sin sexually by going to such sites because the curiosity was so raw. My parents taught me absolutely nothing about sex and took me out of all sex ed classes when I was in grade school (I'm not sure I'm entirely opposed to them doing the latter, but anyway, I feel hurt that I have had to self-teach myself about sex).

Some of these websites had message boards in which no one wanted to date any virgins and one person called such a person a "fundamentalist" or a person with "issues."

My second issue is that in spite of the desire to have sex tormenting me (and I'm not exaggerating about that), there's a part of me that is so obstinate against having sex for the first time that I'm screaming inside my head "NOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOO!!! There is no way on God's green earth that I'm going to experience such a horrific pain of 'that moment.' No way. I'm NOT going to scream in that kind of pain, NOOOOO!'" I mean, it's a really, really frightening feeling.

I don't really know what else to say. I have too many sexuality issues to be with someone, it looks. I think I'd do it all wrong

The worst thing is that I KNOW that I'm not equipped with the gift of celibacy either. I just want to cry from all this somehow. I want to know what sex is like so bad not from YOU but from my own experience. I'm going to keep pursuing my relationship with God but I can assure you it doesn't help erase these desires - sometimes it STRENGTHENS them. I've all but given up talking to most Christians about this anymore because I don't think they even understand this. (sorry)

 

[Bellicus]

Don't worry. I doubt there is much use of trying to read about how to have sex. It is not like the most complicated thing in the world. If you meet Mr.Right, then one thing lead to another in a way that is probably hard to imagine right now, but when you are there, it is surprisingly easy. The important thing is to just talk with the partner and try to explain all uncertainties, and to take it slow and gentle. I don't think there are any normal, healthy people in the world that have ever had problems having sex. So don't worry about that, OK? You will do fine.

And speaking as a man, I know that many men would love to have a virgin, someone that is only theirs. Personally i don't care so much, but I would not feel any problems by having a virgin wife at all. I would just be more careful then, and take it all gently.

And don't worry about your sexuality. It is normal, something all humans have. It is actually a blessing from God, not a curse. And I don't think God is judging you. Christ came to the world to save us all, not to judge us. And I am sure there is someone waiting for you. I know that God see your hearth and your desires, and I am sure if you seek Him, then you will see that he has been leading you on a path all along, to give you exactly what you want the most, even if it is hard to see that now, since we don't know all that God knows or what is on His mind.

“For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future…” (Jeremiah 29:11)

 

[Ariel]

Hello Lady,

I can just imagine some of those websites. Don't listen to them--they are not Christian, and of course they make fun of Christian standards, so what else is new?

My husband has been my first and only partner. When we married I didn't know much about sex either, but that wasn't a problem. Sex is a blessing, a way to express love to your spouse. It wasn't hard to learn to love him this way as well.

Here is the key, though: wait until marriage to have sex. Then it is a blessing. Sex outside of marriage could never be this good for women, I don't think. Imagine the fear of disease or getting pregnant to someone you don't really care for. Wait. Your virginity is a gift, you will be glad you waited.

I am praying for you.

 

[Ariel]

Chrisbow I am proud of you!

I know it's hard. I see the pressure myself, the constant attack through the media, school, friends and other sources. But if you look carefully at those who sleep around, you'll see the destruction, maybe not immediately, but eventually. Galations 6:7 says that we reap what we sow, and warns us not to mock God, thinking there will be no consequences of sin.

The blood of Jesus can cover sin, wash it away and forgive it, BUT there can still be consequences. Then we need to be healed as well. Yes, God can heal, but think of the suffering. Why make yourself vulnerable to Satan, who come to steal, kill and destroy? Sin opens up the door for him to dominate your life.

Go on with Christ. In all the years I have studied Scripture, I am convinced of two things. One, that God is on our side. He wants us to be healthy, strong and blessed in every way, Matt. 6:33. Second, when we obey God, there are blessings that follow automatically. The person who honors God is honored by Him.

So maybe you are not sleeping around, as my college buddies did, and then made fun of me. Maybe you are waiting on God to bring the right person to you. Just as surely as you are trusting in Him, He will honor you. He blesses obedience, always.

 

[Lady Bug]

Don't worry. I doubt there is much use of trying to read about how to have sex. It is not like the most complicated thing in the world. If you meet Mr.Right, then one thing lead to another in a way that is probably hard to imagine right now, but when you are there, it is surprisingly easy. The important thing is to just talk with the partner and try to explain all uncertainties, and to take it slow and gentle. I don't think there are any normal, healthy people in the world that have ever had problems having sex. So don't worry about that, OK? You will do fine.

And speaking as a man, I know that many men would love to have a virgin, someone that is only theirs. Personally i don't care so much, but I would not feel any problems by having a virgin wife at all. I would just be more careful then, and take it all gently.

And don't worry about your sexuality. It is normal, something all humans have. It is actually a blessing from God, not a curse. And I don't think God is judging you. Christ came to the world to save us all, not to judge us. And I am sure there is someone waiting for you. I know that God see your hearth and your desires, and I am sure if you seek Him, then you will see that he has been leading you on a path all along, to give you exactly what you want the most, even if it is hard to see that now, since we don't know all that God knows or what is on His mind.

“For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future…” (Jeremiah 29:11)

You have a point, when you find Mr. Right, you automatically kind of "know" what to do. The feeling and the know-how is just THERE. I think there's a danger in going to secular websites that talk about dating virgins, because there's a vibe on these kinds of sites that it is too much work to "be with" a virgin. The one thing that kept me from losing it was knowing that it was not a Christian site. You know, after discovering the truths of Christianity, you can definitely see some aspects of the "dark" side that we crossed over from. This is a prime example. Unfortunately, my sexuality is not feeling like a blessing at all But in order to make it not feel like a curse, I have to avoid the occurrence of sexual sins that may make me think it is such.

Hello Lady,

I can just imagine some of those websites. Don't listen to them--they are not Christian, and of course they make fun of Christian standards, so what else is new?

My husband has been my first and only partner. When we married I didn't know much about sex either, but that wasn't a problem. Sex is a blessing, a way to express love to your spouse. It wasn't hard to learn to love him this way as well.

Here is the key, though: wait until marriage to have sex. Then it is a blessing. Sex outside of marriage could never be this good for women, I don't think. Imagine the fear of disease or getting pregnant to someone you don't really care for. Wait. Your virginity is a gift, you will be glad you waited.

I am praying for you.

I'm glad to know how you and your husband were both virgins when you married. And here is where a thought haunts me: if I don't have sexual parity with my future spouse (that is, imagine if the future spouse has a lot more experience than I would), I seriously hope that this doesn't cause a problem. In the secular world, it can be, but I hope that Christians are more understanding - even among the Christian world, not all are virgins before marrying. I don't know if I'm making sense. Thankfully, people like Bellicus said that it is not an issue for them. I think that if someone is a Christian and they are not a virgin before marriage, they should/would likely have turned their life around to the point where even though they may not be a virgin, they (no longer?) have a problem being with one.

I'm a Christian guy and I struggle with similar feelings. I'm 24 years old and most of my peers have had sex. The world (Satan) does a good job of making us feel like we are missing out on something so good when really all it leads to is destruction. It's the fundamental of life. I'm a Christian and I understand where you are coming from. I would suggest sticking with Christian advice on this issue. People in the world really don't have a clue about how God intended sex to be. People nowadays use sex as recreation. Sex in God's eyes is sacred and in marriage. If we know in our hearts that it's wrong how can we have sex with someone we're not married to and thank God for it. We can't. Not if we want to be true Christians. Think how much better it will be to wait. Sure, it's freaking tough. But no one said standing up to be a Christian was going to be easy. Believe me, I struggle with this everyday as you do. I have many opportunities to have sex with a girls but it's just one of those things you have to say "no" to. Hang in there. It will be alright. Don't let the world influence you. You're not missing out.

I feel like I'm missing out on sex but in the married sense. I think that it's going to be that way til my last dayI'm telling you I think it's going to tug my heart til my last breathBut I do agree with you on not having sex before marriage. You know - I'd be so tempted to say to someone who wanted to have sex with me w/o being married: "If you love me enough to sleep with me, you can love me enough to marry me."

Chrisbow I am proud of you!

I know it's hard. I see the pressure myself, the constant attack through the media, school, friends and other sources. But if you look carefully at those who sleep around, you'll see the destruction, maybe not immediately, but eventually. Galations 6:7 says that we reap what we sow, and warns us not to mock God, thinking there will be no consequences of sin.

The blood of Jesus can cover sin, wash it away and forgive it, BUT there can still be consequences. Then we need to be healed as well. Yes, God can heal, but think of the suffering. Why make yourself vulnerable to Satan, who come to steal, kill and destroy? Sin opens up the door for him to dominate your life.

Go on with Christ. In all the years I have studied Scripture, I am convinced of two things. One, that God is on our side. He wants us to be healthy, strong and blessed in every way, Matt. 6:33. Second, when we obey God, there are blessings that follow automatically. The person who honors God is honored by Him.

So maybe you are not sleeping around, as my college buddies did, and then made fun of me. Maybe you are waiting on God to bring the right person to you. Just as surely as you are trusting in Him, He will honor you. He blesses obedience, always.

I'm not sleeping around thankfully - however I'm drowned in a lot of sexual sins I've been committing lately. At times I don't even want to stop. It's so addictive.

Lately I have been going to a certain site and watching very raunchy videos of girls doing certain things, to get myself aroused (I'm a straight woman, so I don't know why this gets to me). After that I've done the M word and I've been noticing that doing this has some sort of malevolent pull to it that I don't like, and I can't seem to get myself to stop. I almost don't want to stopI know others are also experiencing falling prey to sexual sins but when you're bored at night, all alone and on the computer, the temptation to go online and watch raunchy videos to get aroused and to the M thing is so fierce that I want to just bang my fist on the table. And when there's no one to tell afterwards (besides God) that you're struggling all alone (besides God, lol) in this sin, you just keep sinning and sinning and your sexuality starts feeling more like a curse than anything else.