Conflicted...What to do???

[alexia]

But if he's likely to hear about it anyway, then it had better come from you first.

Good point.

At the time this happened the ex had gotten in contact with some of the members of my former church(some of my family members included) looking for old friends. My sister began talking with him again. She knew when he was normally online to talk to and I happened to be on line talking to her when he was on, thats how I ended up talking to him.

Did you make it clear to him that you didn't want to talk to him again? If not, there is a possiblity that he might try again to get into contact with you through family/friends.

Another point that makes him resentful of this guy is because some of my own family members that don't like my husband had made it clear that they thought I would be happier with this particular ex and some how better off...

You started talking to your ex again through your sister. Is your sister one of the family members that dislikes your husband and wants you to be with your ex? If so do you think that she would mention this to your husband just to mess with him ?

And you said that he's been getting in touch with your family members/old church members. Do you think that he would tell anyone else that knows you that he got back into contact with you. ( BTW I'm just throwing out different possibilities. I don't know this guy, so I'm not quite sure what his intentions are or how he feels about you.)

If there is any possibililty that your husband would find out, I think that you should be the first to tell him.

 

[IceCrystalH2O]

I honestly have no idea what the chances are that he would find out through someone else.

I wrote an email to my sister explaining why I can never talk to him again and I would almost guarantee she probably forwarded it to him. She is not one to keep her mouth shut when something is said to her.

At one time, my sister thought my husband was the greatest guy in the world and couldn't wait for the two of us to get together. Then some things happened between me and him and she thought he was practically satan himself for a period of time....she claims that she has no problem with him now but she is very extreme in her feelings, she either hates you or loves you and so I am suspicious of this neutral attitude she "claims" to have toward him. When this ex reappeard last summer she had made a comment about how him showing up after seven years was just like her and her husband(they had broken up, each got married to someone else, then seven years later, divorced and got back together with eachother). I do think in some ways she was romantisizing the situation, hoping for another "barb and barry" story. The only thing she didn't figure in was the fact that I actually can't stand him more now then even back when we broke up.

I don't believe he would say anything to anyone else about us talking. I do know that my parents know about it, but they are in the process of moving and have had some problems of there own so I am pretty sure that they don't even remember it ever happened.

 

[newcreature]

Is your husband likely to find out that you talked to this ex whom he dislikes so much? If not, then I think the issue should be left between you and God, since you've obviously repented and it won't happen again. But if he's likely to hear about it anyway, then it had better come from you first.

I agree with this.
I think that you have made the wrong right by doing all that you did to ensure that it doesn't happen again.

 

[cracked_pelicans]

The part I am having trouble with is....I never told my husband about having talked to the ex. As far as he knows I haven't talked to this guy in several years. So my question is....am I obligated to tell him? Was it enough that I confessed to God and asked for forgiveness? For a while I had myself convinced that since I already confessed to God what I did, and asked for forgiveness and have not continued that behavior that I did not have to tell him....however, I am always second guessing myself!

I think the fact that you are having these doubting feelings and second guessing yourself indicates you should talk to him about it. Our conscience is often God's way of communicating with us. Plus, the fact that it even could be an issue - total honesty in a marriage is important.

I'd say talk to him about it with a repentant heart.

 

[babbred]

Sorry, SirKenin, but I have to disagree with you, too. Having been married for nearly a year now, I have to side with Musical. Once you become married, that relationship is the highest priority. Not your friends, not even your family should take precedence over it. Crystal made it clear that the reason she contacted her ex was that there were problems in her marriage. When one spouse runs outside the marriage to someone of the opposite gender for comfort and support that they feel they aren't getting from the other spouse, that's a HUGE red flag. It's the first small step down the road to an affair. Rather than doing that, Crystal, you need to try and fix your marriage. It's ironic, because I was just reading a marriage advice column this morning, where the spouses were locked in bitterness. The therapist said they both needed to admit that they were contributing to the problem, rather than merely blaming it on the other spouse.

 

[seebs]

I can't imagine not talking to ex's. We're still good friends with my spouse's previous spouse, and I'm still on good terms with a few of the people I used to date.

I don't generally find an ex especially tempting; I mean, there's a reason any given person is an ex, and not my spouse.

On to the OP's question: If you think it would upset your spouse, then I suggest you not bring it up. It's a non-issue. Talking is not cheating, and it sounds like you were just talking to an old acquintance. Nothing wrong with that!

 

[seebs]

Sorry, SirKenin, but I have to disagree with you, too. Having been married for nearly a year now, I have to side with Musical. Once you become married, that relationship is the highest priority. Not your friends, not even your family should take precedence over it. Crystal made it clear that the reason she contacted her ex was that there were problems in her marriage. When one spouse runs outside the marriage to someone of the opposite gender for comfort and support that they feel they aren't getting from the other spouse, that's a HUGE red flag.

What's gender got to do with it? I have talked to friends of both plumbings about relationship issues in the past, and so has my spouse.

It's the first small step down the road to an affair. Rather than doing that, Crystal, you need to try and fix your marriage. It's ironic, because I was just reading a marriage advice column this morning, where the spouses were locked in bitterness. The therapist said they both needed to admit that they were contributing to the problem, rather than merely blaming it on the other spouse.

Good advice!

But I say, anyone who can help you get closer to doing that is a good resource.

 

[babbred]

What's gender got to do with it? I have talked to friends of both plumbings about relationship issues in the past, and so has my spouse.



Good advice!

But I say, anyone who can help you get closer to doing that is a good resource.

This applies to both genders, but since Crystal wrote the OP, I'll talk about women. A wife feels trapped in a bad marriage. She turns to her male
co-worker for support. She pours out all her frustrations to him, and he listens sympathetically. The wife is grateful because this guy is a lot more caring than her husband, and so she feels much more connected to him. Ask any marriage counselor (including my parents) and they'll tell you this is a prime scenario for the wife having an affair.

And speaking personally, I really would not reccommend anybody pouring out their marriage woes to a friend. It would be too easy to start badmouthing the spouse. I know, because a friend of mine is going through a messy divorce and she uses me as a sounding board. She's always telling me what a jerk her ex is and all the bad things he does, and it drives me crazy. Your friend is only hearing one side of the story, so they can't offer objective advice. If you need outside help, it's wiser to turn to a counselor, or somebody you know who's a much more mature Christian and can hold you accountable, too.

 

[seebs]

This applies to both genders, but since Crystal wrote the OP, I'll talk about women. A wife feels trapped in a bad marriage. She turns to her male
co-worker for support. She pours out all her frustrations to him, and he listens sympathetically. The wife is grateful because this guy is a lot more caring than her husband, and so she feels much more connected to him. Ask any marriage counselor (including my parents) and they'll tell you this is a prime scenario for the wife having an affair.

I dunno. Hasn't worked out that way for either of us in my marriage. A friend helping you maintain your marriage is a bad candidate for trying to wreck it.

And speaking personally, I really would not reccommend anybody pouring out their marriage woes to a friend. It would be too easy to start badmouthing the spouse.

Sure. And for some people, that's part of learning what's actually bothering you.

If you need outside help, it's wiser to turn to a counselor, or somebody you know who's a much more mature Christian and can hold you accountable, too.

Honestly, the best relationship advice I've gotten came from an atheist friend of mine who is particularly good at holding people accountable. We have no monopoly on this.