Conflicted...What to do???

[IceCrystalH2O]

Well I will just get right to the point.

Several months ago, the end of last summer...I had an online conversation with one of my ex's. Not just any ex either, one of the two ex's that my husband despises the most! At that time my husband was involved in two softball leagues and worked alot, so I was very lonely. I was in the middle of a moment of anger when I decided to talk to the ex. Nothing real personal was said, we discussed our past a bit and a few other howdy doo kind of small talk things and that was it. Afterward I felt so guilty and so ashamed I did everything i could to make sure I would never talk to him again and that he would not be able to get ahold of me. I changed my email address, got a new identity to use on the messanger, anything I could think of that would keep him away. I prayed to God and asked for forgiveness....and made an oath to God himself that I would NEVER do something like that again.

The part I am having trouble with is....I never told my husband about having talked to the ex. As far as he knows I haven't talked to this guy in several years. So my question is....am I obligated to tell him? Was it enough that I confessed to God and asked for forgiveness? For a while I had myself convinced that since I already confessed to God what I did, and asked for forgiveness and have not continued that behavior that I did not have to tell him....however, I am always second guessing myself!

Any advice or councel would be appreciated...Thanks!

 

[snoochface]

I don't think you have to tell your husband... but if the subject of this ex ever comes up, you're going to be in a really precarious situation. You can't lie and continue to say that you haven't spoken to him in years, you'd have to tell him if it came up in conversation some other way. And then, he'll want to know why you didn't tell him about it before. And then you've got problems.

Think about if the shoe were on the other foot. If there were a woman in his past that he talked to and did not tell you about it, and you found out somewhere down the line... wouldn't you wonder why he didn't tell you? If he was keeping something else from you as well? It's a trust issue that you don't want to deal with in a way that makes him feel like he cannot trust you to be honest with him.

So no, you don't have to tell him. But in my opinion, you run less of a risk of making the situation way worse than it has to be by telling him now. Just be honest and present it the way you did to us. Tell him what a mistake it was, that you did it out of anger and loneliness, and that you have taken every possible measure to ensure he cannot get in touch with you again. He probably won't think it's that big of a deal, and if he's smart he'll appreciate that you were honest with him about it.

 

[SirKenin]

You know what bugs me? The fact that you have allowed your husband to make you feel guilty about talking to your ex. That almost sickens me. The fact that he doesn't like your ex is HIS problem, not yours. There is nothing wrong with talking to an ex on a casual level, and certainly nothing to ask forgiveness for.

I still talk to one or two of my exes. I love them and care for them. That doesn't just go away because of some jealous, controlling spouse with a bone to pick. That just makes me feel that I would have to hide it. You shouldn't have to change a thing. The onus is on him to bite the bullet and get over it. Yes, you should honor your spouse (and that means BOTH spouses) but to me this warrants some very serious conversation. Honoring your spouse does not mean that you should be kissing his tush because he is causing you misery like this. That's not how it works.

So no, I'm not going to hide it. I chat with them. My partner, my ex and myself hang out together and do cool things when my ex is in town. She stays a night or two to visit. We go to the club or out to dinner. Even clothes shopping (I have an exceptional taste in women's clothing and they love to drag me out to pick out their new outfits). I tell her that I do love her. She tells me how kind I am and how much of a sweetie I am. I'll never go back to her and both women know that, but with being so open it has developed into a fantastic relationship that nobody has to hide.

To me, anything less is deplorable. If you're not going to talk to your exes, let it be simply because you have grown apart and don't think you have anything in common to talk about anymore. Anything less simply can not do.

 

[IceCrystalH2O]

Think about if the shoe were on the other foot. If there were a woman in his past that he talked to and did not tell you about it, and you found out somewhere down the line... wouldn't you wonder why he didn't tell you? If he was keeping something else from you as well?

I have thought of this kind of situation before, and had already told my husband that if he ever cheated on me(or in this situation went behind my back to talk to someone) that as long as he stopped the behavior, I NEVER wanted to know about it. As long as he stopped, and was truely sorry for what he did (as I am) I never wanted to live with the knoweledge of what he did. I'd rather have God deal with him then live with what he did.


We both have done things in our past to hurt eachother ALOT. Now that I know how it feels to have something so painful confessed, and have lived with the fact of something bad like that happening, I never want to go through that again.

I think it would be a big deal to him because he is a very sensitive guy. We both worked hard to get passed eachothers past and I think this would ignite something in him that would hurt him all over again.

 

[suzybeezy]

When I read this I thought, boy isn't this situatious rather precarious. I chose to get a clearer definition of the word.

Precarious 1 : depending on the will of another 2 : dependent on uncertain premises 3 a : dependent on chance circumstances, unknown conditions, or uncertain developments b : characterized by a lack of security or stability

You are functioning under are total lack of security that is completely dependent on the will of another with uncertain developments.

The mere fact that you had a simple conversation last summer that you are still worried will make your spouse upset is concerning. Why is there so much insecurity?

 

[CovaDaIria]

SirKenin,

It sounds like you're single and mingling to me, even though you have a partner. You didn't mention if your partner was your wife or not. Your situation may not be relatable to IceCrystalH2O because it's different for her since she is married. It's not so much the fact that her husband may or may not be controlling who she wants to talk to. The issue is more of respect, and where the line is drawn. No matter how casual it is, she is married, and talking to ex's puts her in a position where you're knowingly going to be tempted. Yes, it may seem casual and nothing is going on per say, but I think her guilt is coming from the fact that deep down inside, she knows it wasn't right. And she even acknowledges it, which is a clear indication to me that she knows it is wrong. To me, if something inside is telling you it's not right, then take it as a sign that it's not. That is coming from one woman to another, with all religious teachings aside. I am also going through some struggles right now, so I can relate to "guilt". IceCrystalH2O, I'm trying to be objective as possible here, and to me, matters like this can't be justified just because someone writes in a forum that it's okay, trying to justify unjustifiable actions. The thing is you know it's wrong, if it's on your conscience and still bothers you, then be open and honest. There shouldn't have to be anythng kept between two married individuals. However, if you trust in the Lord has given you the power never to do it again, then it almost seems futile to bring up an issue that will never occur again. If in doubt, remember the following:

"And you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free."
(John 8:32)

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."
(Proverbs 3:5)

 

[MusicalProgrammer]

You know what bugs me? The fact that you have allowed your husband to make you feel guilty about talking to your ex. That almost sickens me. The fact that he doesn't like your ex is HIS problem, not yours. There is nothing wrong with talking to an ex on a casual level, and certainly nothing to ask forgiveness for.

I still talk to one or two of my exes. I love them and care for them. That doesn't just go away because of some jealous, controlling spouse with a bone to pick. That just makes me feel that I would have to hide it. You shouldn't have to change a thing. The onus is on him to bite the bullet and get over it. Yes, you should honor your spouse (and that means BOTH spouses) but to me this warrants some very serious conversation. Honoring your spouse does not mean that you should be kissing his tush because he is causing you misery like this. That's not how it works.

So no, I'm not going to hide it. I chat with them. My partner, my ex and myself hang out together and do cool things when my ex is in town. She stays a night or two to visit. We go to the club or out to dinner. Even clothes shopping (I have an exceptional taste in women's clothing and they love to drag me out to pick out their new outfits). I tell her that I do love her. She tells me how kind I am and how much of a sweetie I am. I'll never go back to her and both women know that, but with being so open it has developed into a fantastic relationship that nobody has to hide.

To me, anything less is deplorable. If you're not going to talk to your exes, let it be simply because you have grown apart and don't think you have anything in common to talk about anymore. Anything less simply can not do.

SirKenin, I think the key is that your partner is comfortable with the situation. Her husband, however, is not. Since we are to love and honor our spouses above all others, I think his feelings should be taken into consideration; I don't believe the onus is entirely on him to just get over it, either. Such is the nature of consequence from sin (assuming sinful activities were committed in that previous relationship; if not, then I'm more inclined to agree that his animosity is way out of line). It sounds like there are unresolved issues on both sides, and a lot of healing necessary.

That being said, regarding the original issue of telling him, while I believe firmly in open honesty, this is one of those gray-area matters. IceCrystal, I think the fact that you are feeling nagging guilt is a telltale sign that your conscience is telling you that confessing to the Lord may have not been enough. How is the healing process with your husband going? While this is a minor issue, it sounds like it might very well inhibit your relationship with him if you let it eat away at you.

The best course of action might be to tell him (timing is crucial), but stress the fact that it's been tearing you up and causing grave consequences with you emotionally. Let him know how strong your love for him is, and it is because of this bond that you feel such pain over a small issue. Also, it is because of this minor episode that has caused you to strengthen your resolve; far better than what could have been.

Ultimately, I think this is a better route than to have it come up unexpectedly at a bad time later on.

 

[SirKenin]

I was married for 10 years, lived in a common law relationship and am just about ready to embark on another one. I think I do know what I am talking about.

I am not mingling with anyone. I have no need for anyone but my sweetheart. Making a suggestion other than that is quite frankly absurd, forgive me for saying so. That doesn't justify justifying a controlling, jealous husband with a bone to pick. That doesn't justify placing your wife into a compromising position because YOU have the problem. That doesn't justify having to live in a cave because you are afraid of your husband's reactions. Of course she is insecure. She doesn't know how her husband, who is frail as it is by her own admission, would react to finding out she did something that in and of itself is quite innocent. Gee, I wonder why she feels the way she does? Hmmm. Let's think about this for a minute.

You are supposed to honor your spouse. That means the husband honors the wife too. Putting unjust restrictions on her and making her feel like she wants to crawl under a rock is not honoring her. That's just plain pathetic and I would be having a few words with him.

The only time that type of control is warranted is where the wife has VOLUNTARILY, CONSENSUALLY, on her OWN ACCORD, offered to surrender control to her partner in exchange for teaching, love, caring and protection. That's it. That hasn't happened here. This has been made clear.

She is being made to feel that she is two inches tall because she voluntarily spoke with an ex, a perfectly innocent and acceptable action, and having that position justified with out of context Bible verses and more rules with no basis in fact. That really bothers me, and I have stated that just the other day on this very same board.

Just because she's married doesn't mean she has to clam up, not have any friends and focus solely on her husband. If I follow your logic through, she can't have any male friends that her husband does not specifically approve of. She should be made to feel like garbage because she speaks to anyone but her husband if he doesn't approve. That's pathetic. How can anyone possibly be expected to live like this? No wonder I'm on the verge of walking away completely.

 

[MusicalProgrammer]

She is being made to feel that she is two inches tall because she voluntarily spoke with an ex, a perfectly innocent and acceptable action, and having that position justified with out of context Bible verses and more rules with no basis in fact.

While it's true the action itself is not inherently sinful, if we look at the motive, she said it was born out of anger. I agree that the main issue is that there is a lot of underlying pain that needs to be cleared up.

IceCrystal, do you and your husband pray together often?

 

[SirKenin]

Musical: I think what's important is that HE doesn't find it comfortable. That means it's HIS problem. He can't be pawning that off on her. That simply isn't fair. This situation does not warrant that type of behaviour. He should honor his wife as I said in a previous post. Honoring her is not making her feel like crawling under a rock for an innocent action. Marital problems or no, this simply can not do.

As for telling him, I certainly wouldn't. That would just make matters worse and cause an eruption. You did it. If feel guilty you must, then you alone must bear the consequences of your actions. You can not pawn the burden off to another.

What I would do, though, is talk to him about these types of situations. This just isn't right. Coming to a mutual understanding where you can achieve some freedom and less burden is a must. I know for sure I would NEVER treat my partner like this and in fact never have. I drew the line at anyone that consistently hit on them and was vulgar after being told to stop. Then I put an end to it (fortunately only one relationship made that necessary, because the partner saw nothing wrong with it and I found it completely disrespectful of both of us). Other than that they were free to talk to whomever they chose.

 

[SirKenin]

While it's true the action itself is not inherently sinful, if we look at the motive, she said it was born out of anger. I agree that the main issue is that there is a lot of underlying pain that needs to be cleared up.

If that's the case, the issue at hand is not talking to an ex then. It's addressing an issue of anger, which is a whole different kettle of fish.

 

[CovaDaIria]

SKenin,

Ok, now you are just adding words that I didn't even post nor did IceCrystalH2O post, and just writing a lot trying to exaggerate things, but really having no point except that it's her husband's problem not hers. I didn't even read most of it, because it suddenly sounded blah blah blah to me...First, I didn't say you were mingling, I just said that that is what it seemed like from what I read. She's trying to find a compromise here, and you're telling her it's okay, when it's not. It appears they already have issues from their past and like MusicalProgrammer says, they have a healing process to go through together, still. I never said she couldn't have male friends, or friends for that matter, or for her to go hide inside a cave. (Those are just more pointless words in your post that I never said but you used to exaggerate) The issue is that HELLO, she already said she felt conflicted, the feeling wouldn't be there if she believed it was right and justified, and resolved she would NEVER do it again, those are her own words. She wants to know if she should tell her husband or not. You are going off topic, by far. I mean you are bragging about knowing what you're talking about, but honestly, what exactly makes what you're saying based on sound reasoning. Your situation is different from hers in that she has already resolved that she would not do it again, and yours is just that it's what you do and what works for you. And besides stating all the obvious in your post, like "honor your spouse" blah blah blah, PUH-LEASE, don't you think that is what she is trying to do? And about all this CONTROL crapp... it's not even about control, she never even stated he was a control freak, you just kind of put that in there yourself. It's only natural to feel a pang of jealousy in those types of situations, and it's only natural for her to feel a bit tentative about telling him about it also, so about the control issue, I'm not buying it, unless she states herself that's what it is, then that is a whole other forum altogether.

 

[sandb937]

I was married for 10 years, lived in a common law relationship and am just about ready to embark on another one. I think I do know what I am talking about.

I am not mingling with anyone. I have no need for anyone but my sweetheart. Making a suggestion other than that is quite frankly absurd, forgive me for saying so. That doesn't justify justifying a controlling, jealous husband with a bone to pick. That doesn't justify placing your wife into a compromising position because YOU have the problem. That doesn't justify having to live in a cave because you are afraid of your husband's reactions. Of course she is insecure. She doesn't know how her husband, who is frail as it is by her own admission, would react to finding out she did something that in and of itself is quite innocent. Gee, I wonder why she feels the way she does? Hmmm. Let's think about this for a minute.

You are supposed to honor your spouse. That means the husband honors the wife too. Putting unjust restrictions on her and making her feel like she wants to crawl under a rock is not honoring her. That's just plain pathetic and I would be having a few words with him.

The only time that type of control is warranted is where the wife has VOLUNTARILY, CONSENSUALLY, on her OWN ACCORD, offered to surrender control to her partner in exchange for teaching, love, caring and protection. That's it. That hasn't happened here. This has been made clear.

She is being made to feel that she is two inches tall because she voluntarily spoke with an ex, a perfectly innocent and acceptable action, and having that position justified with out of context Bible verses and more rules with no basis in fact. That really bothers me, and I have stated that just the other day on this very same board.

Just because she's married doesn't mean she has to clam up, not have any friends and focus solely on her husband. If I follow your logic through, she can't have any male friends that her husband does not specifically approve of. She should be made to feel like garbage because she speaks to anyone but her husband if he doesn't approve. That's pathetic. How can anyone possibly be expected to live like this? No wonder I'm on the verge of walking away completely.

sirkenin

not everyone has a relationship with ex's that you have. You do not know what if anything that happened between icecrystals husband and her ex that would make him feel the way he does.

If I were to look at it from my stand point. If it were my wife and she had nothing to feel quility of to begin with then she would mention it to me when it happened and vica verca, expecially if it had been a number of years without any contact from the ex. But I also look at my wifes ex bf really hurt her emotionally very deep. So you can justify your "open" relationship all you want be if one of her ex came back into the picture I would not hesitate but to lay them out!!!

I don't let me wife go out looking like a harlot either. And "let" is probably not the best word but I can use but oh well. Now don't get me wrong a woman that respects her self can look attractive without looking trashy. But as my wife she has enough respect for me to not go out a look trashy.

I think that Icecrystal should have been honest and upfront when it happened, not sometime after the fact. I think that if it was purley an innocent thing then she would not be feeling so convicted of it now. She even said that she was feeling lonely maybe in a way she was kinda hopping that it would progress into something more than a phone call and that is what she is feeling guilty about. Either way I think that she does need to tell him now, understanding that it probably will be hard. You need to handle the situation gingerly.

 

[MusicalProgrammer]

Honoring her is not making her feel like crawling under a rock for an innocent action.

That's true, although it's impossible to get a good feel for the situation by not knowing the overall picture and speculating on details. In any case, I am praying for you guys, and I think the real issue is looking at the underlying causes of this anger, resentment, and distrust.

I'll withdraw from this thread, as I can't speak from experience about the specifics of how exactly ex's affect a marital relationship, being as my wife and I were our first relationships.

 

[A1nitewolf]

Could not have said it better myself

 

[jazzbird]

I still talk to one or two of my exes. I love them and care for them. That doesn't just go away because of some jealous, controlling spouse with a bone to pick. That just makes me feel that I would have to hide it. You shouldn't have to change a thing. The onus is on him to bite the bullet and get over it. Yes, you should honor your spouse (and that means BOTH spouses) but to me this warrants some very serious conversation. Honoring your spouse does not mean that you should be kissing his tush because he is causing you misery like this. That's not how it works.

Wow, you sure are making a lot of assumptions about men you know nothing about. For all we know her ex is a creep and her husband is a saint.

That's lovely if you are in a relationship where both partners feel comfortable with the other having relationships with their exes. Personally, if my husband were uncomfortable with my contact with another man, ex or otherwise, I would respect his feelings. Does that make me a doormat? No. It makes me receptive to his feelings and needs. We both strive to love each other and provide a safe environment for one another. My husband is the most important person in my life. His feelings are important to me.

Now that I have contributed to derailing this thread (sorry) to the OP: I don't think you are obligated to talk to your dh about what happened since you have no intention of talking to this man again. Personally, you could do more harm than good by telling him since it may cause him to feel insecure and question your actions in the future. This was one small event that you admit happened out of anger. I think you should just let it go. Get over the guilt on your own. From my view, that is the best option, but that doesn't mean that you can't tell him.

 

[heartnsoul]

In my opinion, since this is a delicate issue for both of you, you probably should tell him the truth. Find the right time to discuss this with him and let him know how guilty and sorry you feel about this whole situation. Your issue(s) about having the need to call an "ex" could be the underlying problem. Maybe find more friends (female or male) so you don't get overly bored and feel tempted to call an ex. Also, this is a great opportunity for your husband to understand how lonely you feel without him around. This is a "joint marital" issue that both of you need to work out TOGETHER. I don't know the exact details of your marriage, but either you need to find more friends to have a fuller life...or maybe your husband needs to spend more time with you. I don't know either one of you well enough to make that call. So be honest with yourself and do the right thing.

Temptations are always out there. The key is self control and discipline to resist temptation. Good luck and keep us posted. May God continue to heal your marriage and help you both grow stronger in love. God bless!

 

[IceCrystalH2O]

Wow this thread has really grown since I was last on here!

Well as for the insinuation that my husband is controlling....no he is not. There were sexual sins that I commited with this ex and that is why my husband does not like him(to put it mildly), I take his feelings into great consideration here because I too, am sensitive to his sexual sins in the past and the girls that he committed them with. Another point that makes him resentful of this guy is because some of my own family members that don't like my husband had made it clear that they thought I would be happier with this particular ex and some how better off(which couldn't be further from the truth because I do not even love the ex, nor have I ever and I love my husband more then anything). At the time this happened the ex had gotten in contact with some of the members of my former church(some of my family members included) looking for old friends. My sister began talking with him again. She knew when he was normally online to talk to and I happened to be on line talking to her when he was on, thats how I ended up talking to him.

On some level I do wish I had told him back then......but the only torment I have is whether it was ok for me not to tell him. I have been able to let go of that situation, but in some ways I guess I feel like maybe I won't be forgiven by God if I don't tell him. Thats probably a bit of a far stretch but thats where I am.

 

[Yitzchak]

I think that relationship growth happens best in proactive settings. Such as a counseling situation that both partners agreed upon to improve the marriage. or a marriage seminar. I would not tell him right now because it will lead to an ugly arguement. but I would work on some proactive ways to improve the relationship. because I have to agree with some of the posts that said this should not be such a problem. My wife is free to call her ex's whenever she wants. It does take work to work through insecurities and trust issues however. You can't just issue an ultimatum about such things. So look into some proactive ways to work out the issues and then share the info at the right time down the road if it seems appropriate.

 

[pegatha]

Is your husband likely to find out that you talked to this ex whom he dislikes so much? If not, then I think the issue should be left between you and God, since you've obviously repented and it won't happen again. But if he's likely to hear about it anyway, then it had better come from you first.