Confessions of a woman who is visually stimulated.

[kdm1984]

I had a good and brief talk with my husband about male attractiveness, and its effects upon women. This is such an issue for me, as some of you know. Neither secular nor religious culture acknowledges it like it does the reverse. It may be less common for women to swoon and drool over handsome men than it is for the reverse, but I'm not the generality. I'm the exception.

It's honestly angered and puzzled me for many years. If there's one thing atheists and patriarchal theists like to agree upon, it's this idea that women are asexual robots. This violently angers me.

As a teenager, I had copious amounts of softcore inappropriate content of males on my computer. This tendency hasn't abated. When a good-looking man appears in my sight, especially if he's largely unclothed -- my initial reaction is to stare. And stare. And STARE.

I now realize I shouldn't.

Yet, dogma teaches women aren't tempted. This dogma is held by religious and secular authorities alike. They don't like to consider exceptions.

I've tried to talk to many people about this issue.

They just don't understand.

For most women, their spiritual issues are they can't discern systematic theology, or they want theological power, or they want men to stop harassing them.

My issue is handsome men have a spell on me, and I can't stop looking at them.

No one understands this.

And I have issues about it that people cannot understand.

 

[seekingmuch]

So, you like to look at handsome guys. That's fine. But, if you are undressing them...then you are just seeing them as an object. Is that what you are doing? People look at people. It's the lingering and undressing with the eyes is when it becomes an issue. I mostly look at a woman's face, but every now and then I'll see a great set (LOL) and linger a bit in admiration. I'm pretty sure that's normal. As you get older, you'll realize, like I did, you've probably seen it all and won't look much.

The other question is: does it bother your SO? Checking out every hot guy that comes along for a long, long look is not going to make your SO happy just like if he was taking long, long looks at other women. Don't beat yourself up, just ask God to help you.

 

[kdm1984]

So, you like to look at handsome guys. That's fine. But, if you are undressing them...then you are just seeing them as an object. Is that what you are doing? People look at people. It's the lingering and undressing with the eyes is when it becomes an issue. I mostly look at a woman's face, but every now and then I'll see a great set (LOL) and linger a bit in admiration. I'm pretty sure that's normal. As you get older, you'll realize, like I did, you've probably seen it all and won't look much.

The other question is: does it bother your SO? Checking out every hot guy that comes along for a long, long look is not going to make your SO happy just like if he was taking long, long looks at other women. Don't beat yourself up, just ask God to help you.

@seekingmuch sorry for the late reply; just saw this.

You bring up good points. It's hard to delineate just exactly when admiration turns to lust. I'm sure most of us can appreciate, aesthetically, good-looking people. And good-looking people of the opposite sex are particularly exciting for those of us who don't struggle with homosexual urges. But it seems when it becomes obsessive, and you want to look at them all the time, and seek that high...then it becomes problematic. This holds true for the entire appearance of a person, including face and body.

I've discussed it with my handsome SO. We agreed that it's natural and normal to notice beauty, but that it becomes a problem when either gender stares inordinately. He doesn't want me looking at modeling pictures of men and going out of my way to stare at them, so I make it a point to try and no longer search out and stare like I used to. He's a very noble guy himself and doesn't have the problem of trying to justify lust the way so many men do, so it's not a contentious issue the way it was with me and some old Calvinist friends who tried to justify it, and also tried to insist women themselves never struggle in such a way, as though we're homogeneously as bunch of blind asexual robots.

 

[Soccerbeth]

Hi kdm1984,

You are not alone. I have struggled with this too. For me, it was same-sex visual stimulation. Talk about locker rooms and such being tough!

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.