OK I have neve been fully honest with anyone about my sexual sin problems, not even through the internet. I am looking to change and start walking the path with the lord. It started for me at a young age of constant rejection from women, keep in mind when I was younger 18-25 ish I did not believe in god. At about the age of 24 I visited my first prostitute. For a couple of years I visited them but very seldom as it was illegal when I was in the states and expensive. But was probably with about 8 of them. I also start reading some very immoral literature on how to pick up and seduce women. I became good at picking up women from bars and having one night stands. I have probably had sex with around 30 of them through a course of 4 yrs. I have also engaged in threesomes with friends of mine.(nothing homosexual) All of this mind you done while drunk and partying..not that is an excuss. At the age of 26 I joined the military and started to find god again. I excelled at my job and for about 1.5 yrs time I stayed quite clear of alcohol, sex and partying. I had sex with one girl in this time frame. But then I was assigned to europe as my first station.
Despite my renewed faith with god and feeling that he had given me a gift with my job in the military and a change of heart...I started to slip again and fall back into sin through sex and alcohol and partying. I started drinking heavily to go out to meet new girls for sex and a lot of times ended up visiting hookers. Being in europe it is quite easy and legal and rather accepted. From the time I have been here for a little over 2 years I would guess that I have paid for sex about 25 times.(avg 1 time a month for just a little over 2 yrs) and have also had sex with about 5 other girls that I have met while out partying. It was starting to hurt me more and more and had tried to stop on many occasions. I found that I was always drunk while doing this and realizing that I was indeed a sex addict. I have not had any real friends since I have been hear and have been very lonley.
I attribute mutlitple things to developing this nasty way of living.
1.) tons of rejection from women at a early age that led to believe that women were bad and believe that I may have actually hated them.
2.) contributing to this was never ever have a healthy relationship with a girl and seeming to attract cold hearted women whom were like me and only enjoyed having sex with me...and even on attempts of making a realtionship would be cheated on our laughed at for wanting a relationship.
3.) Having an abusive father as a child
4.) Having very low self esteem all through college and highschool and being picked on and made out to be a loser.
5.) Surrounding myself with people later on who partied a lot and thought casual sex with a lot of people is ok.
6.) Not beleiving in god and for several yrs at a point of suicide and not careing about anything.
7.) When I started to beleive in god again I somehow managed to slip away even though I still beleived.
8.) Addiction to porn and trashing my mind reading books of 'playboys' and 'pick up artists'.
9.) Being bombarded by sex in movies, tv shows..books etc that casual sex with lot of ppl is ok..and not having a firm belief system on my own.
I have tested myself mulitple times for all STD;s and for the most part have always protected myself and have so far come out with a clean bill of health. I have been lucky.
It has caught up to me though and I cant stand doing it anymore. I decided this new years to stop drinking and flee from sexual sin. I made it 29 days and ended up getting trashed drunk after a very stressful work and school week and ended up at a stip club where I once again paid for sex. It really hit me this time. It felt like rock bottom. I could not sleep or concentrate for 2 days. I have been asking the lord for forgivness and strength to change this in my life. I want to turn it around. I have in the last couple of yrs started to like women more and want a normal realtionship but have yet to foster that. I am guessing that I have been with somewhere around 70 women between the ones I have paid for and have met out at bars. I know it is very sick, the scary thing is that nowadays this is more common and accepted mre than ever to be with a lot of people sexually. Keep in mind that the majority of thes have been only one night so have probably had a lot less sex than a happy healthy married couple. zi have had a couple of my so called relationships that have lasted for a coupe of months, but were not healthy. I have felt sic of my behavior and have ruined myself of normal healthy relations.
Well the confession feels good and now my horrible story is out. I am just trying to live with the knowlege that god forgives and I have to keep with this repentence to walk with the lord and turn away from my sexual nature...no matter how much I failed in the past. I also recieved a DUI last yr from a drunken night. So I am woking on two addictions...drinking and sex. I NEED HELP!! I am going on 30 soon and have to turn this around if I ever want to be happy. I feel like I am going to do it and that was the last straw.
Thanks everyone for the responses. It feels a little better knowing that my story is not unique..I only mentioned the number thing because it felt I was just a dirty promiscious person..but in reality do not have sex that often. Also I felt like somehow it is worse to pay for sex than having a one night stand but it probably is no different in god's eyes..a sin is a sin. I agree that I have been trying to fill my lonliness with sex and it has just gotten to a point of wanting to stop. What I yearn for is a normal relationship with a good hearted women that eventually leads to marriage. It feels really good to let this secret out, I have in the past ask for help on the internet just mentioning that I have a problem with sex and lust but never in detail. This last year I started to really want to stop and I had been going through periods of doing really well and then failing and indulging. Going without promisciuous sex for 2-3 months and then failing and doing it 2-3 times in a week. Thanks again for the replies and I woke up today feeling different and better...I slept well last night.
I have notice too that the sin is not even excitment or good pleasurable like it had been at first. Most time sex feels good for temporary and then you feel awful afterwards (if it is sinful promiscious sex). But through all of my broken promises the last few times I have engaged in promiscious behavior I actually felt very little temporary pleasure and felt the rotteness come on while in the middle of having sex..even through the cloud of alcohol. I feel it in my heart that last time was it and that I am going to stop..it is just too much pain and I know I cannot be right with god until I do.