complicated situation . . .

[JustBoo]

Hi everyone . . just have some questions. . .

My DH's younger brother has gotten into a good bit of trouble lately . .he's only 15 and he's run away twice and dropped out of school and now his GF is pregnant.

DH and I have been talking and some little part of me can't help but think that maybe we have a place in this situation . . I've always wanted to adopt . . and maybe this is our oppurtunity. Dh thinks it would be much much too complicated and I know there would be a LOT of difficulties and issues . . but is it impossible? Would this be totally unwise . . ?
I can think of many issues . .such as being so near the birthmom might make things complicated if she regrets her decision or ends up angry or upset or whatever . . we'll be a constant reminder , especially if she and DH's brother stay together . . .
Also I think it may be weird for DH's brother to have his child raised as his neice or nephew esentially . . it could be very awkward and hard for him . . .
Is it unwise to even consider this . . . I've been prayting since finding out about the situation . .but I'm curious about the legal aspect . .what can we do if the birth mom starts coming around or if she is telling things to the child that we think are innapropriate? Are there aspects I havn't even thought of . . what would he challenges be?

I'd really appreicate any stories or thoughts about legal issues or challenges and difficulties. . do you think this could be a good solution or is it much too complicated , emotionally and literally speaking?
Prayers too please!!!
Boo

 

[Mayzoo]

No personal experience here...but I would talk to two young parents to be. They may BOTH be unbelievably happy to know that their child will be raised by responsible, loving people in the family. Sad to say one or both also may just be happy to "get rid of the problem". I would not have a problem adopting a siblings child if they were in agreement.

He is 15, how old is she? It is very unlikely they will be together "forever" and even less likely since he is in and out of trouble. Does he really care for her? Does she care for him? Or was this just a convenient thing for them? Is she using any drugs during pregnancy? What are the odds that she will even live in your area after she reaches 18 (or sooner)---is it common in your area for people to stay there well into adulthood?

These and many other questions should be a factor in your decision. If she is actively using drugs and will not stop, or you cannot be assured she stops, then you need to be prepared to adopt a potentially special needs child. My daughter is special needs (not due to drugs) so I can attest it is NOT an easy road, but I would not change her total makeup for anything.

Look into a local adoption agency or program for the laws in your area (sorry I am from US--can't help much with the laws aspect unless I can find some info on a web search engine). Even check with an adoption court if you can. Find out your rights and their rights--before you make a decision.

Mayzoo

 

[JustBoo]

thanks Mayzoo for all your thoughts....
we're going to talk with them and see what their plans are....we don't even know what they want/think at this point.

They've left , together , but none of us have a way of getting a hold of them as we don't know a phone number or anything. Infact we don't know precisely where they are just the general area....

As for special needs issues... I am concerned that she'll drink/use drugs throughout her pregnancy. I am aware of the care involved...I have a 3 year old daughter with special needs. This gives me mixed feelings about the idea of adopting a child that may require extra care... On one hand i feel well prepared and capable because I've been walking this road with my daughter for 3 years...on the other hand I wonder ' should I really take this on when my daughter already requires so much extra care/attention/resources(time and financial) e.t.c'

She is also 15..I would say it is fairly likely she'll remain in my 'area' into adulthood...
They've been together for several months and i think they're fairly infatuated with each other...
*sigh* I can't stop thinking that we have some role in this...

 

[NoraLeigh]

You very well could be meant to adopt this baby.

Just a few months ago we found out that my cousin's girlfriend is pregnant. She's 14, he's 16. It just so happens that my brother and sister in law have been unable to concieve since the birth of their third daughter(there were complications during the birth). They decided to adopt the baby when he/she is born.

Since they decided this, they have taken the girlfriend into their home. She has since become a Christian and has a much better outlook on life now. And they will have a new baby in a few months.

As far as the legal issues. If you adopt the baby, you have all parental rights. You do not have to allow her to say or do anything that you think is inappropriate. Of course, there are different kinds of agreements. So I suppose you'd have to work that out. I'm not a legal expert.

 

[Leanna]

I think that the best situation is for mommies and babies to stay together, young or not. Even young moms who give up their babies often have regrets and other emotional baggage from it.... its just not meant to happen, moms and babies are meant to be together. If that is not possible, then adoption is the next best option. I would first see if she wants to keep her baby and if she does do what you can to support that goal.

 

[EmilyF]

I think that the best situation is for mommies and babies to stay together, young or not. Even young moms who give up their babies often have regrets and other emotional baggage from it.... its just not meant to happen, moms and babies are meant to be together. If that is not possible, then adoption is the next best option. I would first see if she wants to keep her baby and if she does do what you can to support that goal.

Very well said. The truth is this, regardless of their past transgression, is still their baby. Babies have a way of making people grow up as well.
It is wonderful that you would consider taking this child into your home and your heart but tread carefully if and when you approach them.

 

[die2live]

I think that the best situation is for mommies and babies to stay together, young or not. Even young moms who give up their babies often have regrets and other emotional baggage from it.... its just not meant to happen, moms and babies are meant to be together. If that is not possible, then adoption is the next best option. I would first see if she wants to keep her baby and if she does do what you can to support that goal.

I respectfully disagree with this, especially in situations like this. Children raised in split family homes or by single mothers generally fare far worse than children raised in adoptive families. And young unmarried women who have children and choose to parent are far more likely to end up uneducated, in dead end, minimum wage jobs or unemployed on welfare. Children of these women are more likely to repeat the cycle than children raised in stable, two-parent homes. Unmarried fathers are less likely to stick around after the relationship ends and teenage fathers are not likely to do so at all. Studies have shown these facts over and over again. And, contrary to popular understanding, adopted children are not all that screwed up. The vast majority are happy, well-adjusted children and adults just like everyone else. They often have a curiosity about their biological roots, but are rarely discontented with their lives and families. Studies have shown this over and over again as well. Choosing to parent, no matter what your age, is never a wrong decision, but to say it is the best decision is not always true.

As far as the legal aspects of adoption, in the US, after the child is placed for adoption, the biological parents cannot legally reclaim him or her. And, despite all the horror stories we hear, they rarely even try. Adoption isn't a choice they make without a lot of thought and usually counseling, if they go through an adoptive agency. Plus, they have thirty days (the exact time varies from state to state, thirty is just what it is in my state. Some is longer. The shortest, I think, is ten days) after the birth to change their minds. If after they see their baby, they still make the adoption decision, that usually indicated that they are pretty solid in their decision. That's not to say that they won't experience any sadness or sense of loss. But it's their decision, they know why they made it, and they almost always consider it a good decision, even in the long run. They grieve and they move on. If necessary, they get counseling. Of course there are instances where they develop deeper issues and end up regretting their decision. But that's not what usually happens. I'd even go so far as to say it is a rarity, since (at least when they go through an agency) the agency will make sure that they get the resources they need for sorting through these issues.

Since you would be related to the birthparents, you would most likely work out an open adoption, where they will be in regular (not necessarily often, but regular) contact with their child. Keep that in mind, but I get the sense that you knew and were expecting that. Talk to your brother-in-law and his girlfriend, since, obviously, you will need their consent and see what they think about the possibility. Don't pressure them. It has to be their choice, or they are much more likely to regret it later on. Just let them know what you are willing to do. They may be relieved to hear of this option, or they may have never even considered it. Regardless of what they decide, it's good to give them this option. See what they think, and if they are open to it, either contact an agency or a lawyer.