Complicated breakup advice...?

[Ashley G]

Hey there guys, I’m new to this site but I’m seeking Godly advice. My boyfriend of 3 years recently broke up with me two weeks ago. I was and still am insanely hurt and sad. He said that he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now and that he wants to focus on his relationship with God, doing better in college, and just generally learning things about life. We failed to have solid individual relationships with God so our relationship lacked God as well. I made many mistakes in our relationship and didn’t act like the loving girl he deserved, I took him for granted. Since breaking up, I have formed a relationship with God that I have never had before. As hurt as I am, I’m thankful for that aspect of the breakup. I am certain that I have heard God speak to me during prayer and quiet time. When praying about the situation, I heard the words “not right now.” On a separate occasion praying about it, I heard “Ben (my boyfriend’s name) is your husband.” I feel like I have this intuition that he is the one for me, I don’t feel like it’s just my sadness telling me that, but that the Lord is. I have met with Ben because we have the same friend group and see eachother, so we talked for a long time about everything and I told him what I’ve heard and felt from God. He says that he wants to improve himself and his relationship with God before getting back together, and I agree. And that if that is what the Lord is telling me, which he doesn’t doubt that it is, then if we both feel it is God’s will, we will get back together. But somehow I just can’t seem to shake the worry and fear that I have that I won’t ever get him back. I know that I can’t put my happiness in Ben and that I must find joy in God, but I’m struggling to do this a trust in Him. When I’m feeling down about it, i find myself clinging to the thought that God has told me that I will be with Ben eventually. But I know I should not cling to that, and that I should only cling to God and doing his will. But I find myself relying on the hope I’ll get back together with Ben instead. I just need help, I have prayed about it but I still can’t shake my doubts and fear.

 

[Rodan6]

Hey there guys, I’m new to this site but I’m seeking Godly advice. My boyfriend of 3 years recently broke up with me two weeks ago. I was and still am insanely hurt and sad. He said that he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now and that he wants to focus on his relationship with God, doing better in college, and just generally learning things about life. We failed to have solid individual relationships with God so our relationship lacked God as well. I made many mistakes in our relationship and didn’t act like the loving girl he deserved, I took him for granted. Since breaking up, I have formed a relationship with God that I have never had before. As hurt as I am, I’m thankful for that aspect of the breakup. I am certain that I have heard God speak to me during prayer and quiet time. When praying about the situation, I heard the words “not right now.” On a separate occasion praying about it, I heard “Ben (my boyfriend’s name) is your husband.” I feel like I have this intuition that he is the one for me, I don’t feel like it’s just my sadness telling me that, but that the Lord is. I have met with Ben because we have the same friend group and see eachother, so we talked for a long time about everything and I told him what I’ve heard and felt from God. He says that he wants to improve himself and his relationship with God before getting back together, and I agree. And that if that is what the Lord is telling me, which he doesn’t doubt that it is, then if we both feel it is God’s will, we will get back together. But somehow I just can’t seem to shake the worry and fear that I have that I won’t ever get him back. I know that I can’t put my happiness in Ben and that I must find joy in God, but I’m struggling to do this a trust in Him. When I’m feeling down about it, i find myself clinging to the thought that God has told me that I will be with Ben eventually. But I know I should not cling to that, and that I should only cling to God and doing his will. But I find myself relying on the hope I’ll get back together with Ben instead. I just need help, I have prayed about it but I still can’t shake my doubts and fear.

 

[Odetta]

You are hurting at the loss of relationship that you didn't want to let go of. In a situation like this it's really easy to convince yourself that what you want is what God wants for you as a way to have hope that the pain will be healed. Maybe God's will is for you and Ben to be together. Maybe it's not. In any case, at this point, you've made that maybe future relationship your idol. If you truly trusted God fully, you'd have peace that no matter if Ben is in your future or not, you know that God knows what is best for you.

However, I hate to break it to you, but all those reasons he gave for breaking up? Sound to me like christian speak for we're done, I'm moving on. I think you'd be better focused on getting over him and moving on yourself, than wasting time pining for a guy who doesn't sound like he's coming back. It may be hard to think of it this way when you're still hurting, but in closing this door, God is opening up new ones for you. Open yourself up fully to what God's plans for you are. You'll find joy in that, even without Ben.

 

[Rodan6]

This is a very difficult question to answer because there is NOT a spiritual answer with regard to getting back together with your boyfriend. On the surface, the reason given by your boyfriend for breaking up sounds very suspicious. I hesitate to advise regarding your specific circumstances because there are so many unknown factors. I will offer some spiritual truths I have found that I pray will be helpful in this tragic time for you.

1. God loves you and wholly desires that you find happiness in your life. The trials we face are not placed there by God, but they do offer means where the choices we make can strengthen us in spirit.

2. It is NOT God's will that you have broken up or that you will or won't get back together with your boyfriend. YOU have made your will clear on this matter and no power in heaven may interfere in human will choices. Do not expect God to interfere. Accordingly, prayer to change the mind of someone is misguided. Do not pray to to change the willful choices of others. This does not mean we should not do everything humanly possible to effect change in others! The error is only in asking deity to force a willful choice on someone.

3. Prayer will help you sort through your choices of action. Effective prayer is preceded by the conscious desire to do our Father's will. ALL prayers are answered. Answers received may or may not be what one expects and time is sometimes necessary for enlightened understanding.

May God bless you and guide you in this time of troubles.

 

[Ashley G]

I can see where his reasons sound suspicious, but as we are both still young, we have a lot to learn about life and I can see why he would want a chance to grow and mature on his own. We got into our relationship without seeking guidance from God about it, and now he wants to take time away to form a relationship with God and to make sure I am the one God has planned for him to be with. We want to see Gods will and it was clear that we were too distracted in the relationship to seek God together. I know that I am wrong in idolizing the idea of getting back together with him, I guess I just don’t know what to pray for and how to go about trusting God fully. It’s somethhing that I struggle with because I want to always be in control.

 

[footballfanatic]

Ashley,

The hurt is real and one that I'm familiar with. It's almost like having a loved one die and in some cases it can be worse. I want to recommend an article to you that is called, "Just Dumped? Stay Calm and Read This." I know the man who runs that site and he is ethical and a man of faith. The article helps you to take a mental/emotional step back and breathe. Just because you don't have him today doesn't mean it's necessarily over. You feel an adrenaline rush in your body which makes you think that you have to do something now or else all is doomed and that's just not true. The article helps you see that. Just know that you have time and that working on yourself can not only help you but help you get him back as well. I hope the article helps to take some of the emotional stress and panic away.

 

[Sketcher]

Your mind is still a whirlwind right now. How do you know it was God telling you that Ben is your husband rather than you telling yourself? When we really want or really dread something, we can project what we want or don't want onto God's will very easily. I've done that before, though not after a breakup. I wouldn't have anyone make that same mistake I did, because having that expectation that God was under no obligation to fulfill sabotaged my walk with him. I came back to loving God, by his grace. I don't know how many others who make that same mistake do.