Compatibility

[Silver Speak]

This has probably been discussed before but oh well
I thought it would fit best in the marriage thread because I'm hoping to learn about compatibility in a serious long-term relationship (read: marriage). You obviously need to be compatible to be able to live with someone and to make a lifelong commitment. So, my question is: what makes two people compatible? I'm hoping to get views of different aspects such as personality (do opposites really work together), maturity (different maturity "levels"), common interests etc. What made you think it could work with your spouse and that he/she was the 'right type' for you? Do you think that two persons who have nothing in common can make it work?

 

[inHisgrip]

Well, I can attest to 2 people with nothing in common making it work. My husband And I have nothing in common, I mean nothing, and we have been living together for 13 years.
We compliment eachother. As we get older we are discovering more things we enjoy together.
In Him

 

[pegatha]

Here are my initial thoughts. If I think of more, I'll add them later.

I think compatibility of moral character is essential. If you are both honest, decent, upright people, you've got a head start toward compatibility regardless of whatever else you have in common. I've seen it work the other way, too, where two people of bad character have a successful marriage, because they both feed off of and encourage each other's weaknesses. I guess that's also "compatibility" of a sort. What doesn't seem to work is a marriage between two people of unequal character.

Coping styles are another measure of compatibility. If you come from a family where people jump right in to tackle and solve whatever conflicts or crises come up, and he comes from a family where the cardinal rule is to keep your head buried in the sand whenever something goes wrong, then your differences can be a huge stress on the marriage. This is something you can learn to resolve, as long as you're both committed to working on it. But first you have to recognize it.

You mentioned the issue of maturity. I don't think two people of vastly different maturity levels are drawn to each other all that often. Someone who chooses a seemingly less-mature partner is often doing so because it boosts his/her own ego to be the "caretaker" in the relationship. Someone like that tends to feel threatened by a more "equal" partner. In that situation, the difference in maturity levels is really only an illusion.

 

[GirlieGirl]

Yeah, sometimes God puts complete opposites together. I think "compatibility" is froo-froo modern term. If it's God's will for you to marry someone, bingo! You're compatible.

But I will concede that there are some human factors which make you think that someone will be a good mate for you. Think shared faith, similar values, sincerity, kindness, politeness. This is more along the lines of "person xyz a nice Christian person." If someone was convinced that his/her fiance was the one for them because they are both night-owls, like scary movies, and are both content to live in a mess, it wouldn't be a very sure match.

 

[mghalpern]

This has probably been discussed before but oh well

I thought it would fit best in the marriage thread because I'm hoping to learn about compatibility in a serious long-term relationship (read: marriage). You obviously need to be compatible to be able to live with someone and to make a lifelong commitment. So, my question is: what makes two people compatible? I'm hoping to get views of different aspects such as personality (do opposites really work together), maturity (different maturity "levels"), common interests etc. What made you think it could work with your spouse and that he/she was the 'right type' for you? Do you think that two persons who have nothing in common can make it work?

Silver Speak… The only issue of compatibility that MUST be in place is being equally yoked. You MUST both be Christians. From there the whole compatibility issue breaks down. Neil Clark Warren has received a lot of notoriety and has made a lot of money on the need for a couple to be compatible. (I actually have noting against him and think that much of what he writes about and his eHarmony “dating service” is very beneficial to us Christians). This months “Psychology Today” addresses “the Truth About Compatibility.”



“Compatibility does not hinge on some personal inventory of traits. Compatibility isn’t something you have. It’s something you make. It’s a process, one that you negotiate as you go along. Again and again. It’s a disposition, an attitude, a willingness to work.”

“And while we’re redefining compatibility, let’s banish its more combustible cousin, “chemistry,” that black box of a term too often invoked to denote the magic ingredient of a good relationship. Chemistry is an alluring concept, but much too frequently people use it to absolve themselves of the need to consciously examine their approach to one another. As if the muse of love will alight on their shoulder and sprinkle fairy dust on them, and then they will suddenly open their eyes and behold The Perfect Mate—without prying open their own heart, embracing an unwavering willingness to see the other in a positive light or doing the hard work of exploring, knowing and respecting another human being.”

“Love operates on many levels. It involves a dauntingly complex interplay of biology and behavior. But it operates best when we add a certain spirit, when we consciously shape our relationships through an attitude of goodwill.”—Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today – September/October 2004



I don’t often find secular psychology lining up with my personal convictions, which are based on God’s Word. However, in this article, I would say that it is addressing the underlying selfish nature of human beings by debunking what it is we are often looking for—someone who is like us. I believe God uses someone who might be quite different from us to shape us into His character. I only wished that I had learned this earlier in my marriage, so I wouldn’t have been so set on trying to change my wife into my image. (This was due to my selfishness, pride, and insecurity…we are now separated). The article cites ten experts, from family researchers to matchmakers, “each has watched countless couples draw together and pull apart.” “And each suggested the same thing: We’re looking at love all wrong.” One says, “Compatibility is overrated. The similarities or personality traits that attract people to each other may not hold up over time.” Another said, “Sensitivity to the issue of compatibility may be in and of itself a sign of trouble.” Yet another said, “People assume compatibility as a baseline requirement, then want more.” “Measures of personality don’t predict anything, but how people interact does,” said another expert. Another expert said, “Personality is important, but no one really knows how to match personalities up.” I like what another expert has to say, “People must look for the best in each other.” I think similarly to this expert who said, “There is no such thing as a compatible couple.” I’m sorry if I have derailed your thread…that is not my intention. I do, however, find it important to have a healthy starting point and you said, “You obviously need to be compatible to be able to live with someone and to make a lifelong commitment.” I would say this isn’t true and I don’t just base this on my opinion, but on the research and opinions of many experts in the field. I wish more people would support their positions with more fact and less opinion. Everyone has an opinion…you know what that is worth many times…not much more that the “paper it is written on.”



So, Silver Speak, I know I didn’t answer you post the way you might have wanted it answered, but I do think this information is very important because I want your eventual marriage to start out on the right path and become very successful.



There are two schools of thought to your “personality” question. “Opposites attract” and “Birds of a feather flock together.” Regarding your maturity issue…there is spiritual maturity, relational maturity, I.Q., E.Q., I’m not sure if you are speaking to one of these areas or to all of them. A recent study I saw suggested that most people don’t marry someone who is more than one standard deviation apart from them when it comes to I.Q. Unless one is just infatuated or is defining love the wrong way (looks, money, possessions, etc.), they will generally be basing their relationship on deeper traits of the individual. If you enjoy someone, believe they are godly (including godly disciplines such as—prayer, bible study, service, Christian fellowship, etc.), fair, honest, committed, level-headed, willing to work through tough issues, loving, caring, compassionate, considerate, merciful, humble, serving, patient, kind, persevering, tolerant, hard-working, flexible, unselfish, have reasonable expectations, and you agree on the major issues of God’s Word, you will have a wonderful marriage. If any one of these things is missing…RUN…I’m just kidding…there aren’t a whole lot of people that have all these traits operating at the same time. Most of the successful marriages I am acquainted with have survive great difficulties because they are committed to their Maker and to each other…they will lay their lives down for the other person…they aren’t concerned with always being right…and they ARE concerned with living as peace makers and sharing the love of God with each other. I know several couples that have overcome infidelity, abuse, pornography, addiction, and the like, because of their sacrificial obedience to the Lord.



Lastly, you ask, “Do you think that two persons who have nothing in common can make it work?” This may have actually been answered in the last paragraph, but just is case it wasn’t…I would ask what or why it is that you would be attracted to or with this person. If I had nothing in common with someone, it would be very unlikely that we would have ever met. If we met at church…we have church in common. If we met at collage…we have academics in common. If we met at work…we have work in common. If we met at Starbucks…we both like coffee and hanging out. It’s not too often we meet someone that we have nothing in common with if we are plugged into the right places/activities. However, if you have met someone you have nothing in common with, I would suggest asking yourself why you have any desire what so ever to pursue this person. It goes back to the “wrong reasons” for being with someone.




I sure hope this is helpful…as this was really my intention for you and others who are reading these posts. If I can help in any other way, don’t hesitate to post another question or PM me…Michael

 

[bliz]

I believe that all people are inherently incompatible. Starting from that premise, two people are able to sort through their differences and likes and dislikes and habits and find ways to get along in every aspect of life.

It's hard for a couple if they have few areas where they fit together easily, but even that is not impossible, it just takes more work. Plus, prior to marriage, there is only so much you know about someone. Once you live with them there is so much more tht you will learn. And once the flush of dating and being newleyweds phases out, one learns a lot more about the other person, and baout themelves. Sometimes things that we didn't think mattered at all can become very important.

And then, of course, we all change! I may have felt fairly compatible with the guy I married, but guess what? He's not the same guy anymore! And I'm not the same woman. I think compatibility is a myth, and sexual compatibility is the biggest myth of all.

 

[Southern Cross]

It's really important to examine your life's goals together, before you marrry. If his goal is to become a missioary pilot, and yours is to be a stay at home mom in the suburbs (or vice versa!), that can create a compatibility problem that won't rear it's ugly head until later. Many couples don't realize there may be compatibility issues until after they are married and they're working on long term goals they've always had. It's not that they weren't aware of each other's goals... they just never took a realistic look at what acheiving those goals would require and who was going to sacrifice what in order to make them happen.

In my case, that was photography. Since college, I knew I wanted to open my own studio, and get involved in the art world as a profession. My wife knew this was a growing desire that I had. But when it came down to actually making it happen, the realities of the work and sacrifice involved hit home pretty hard. She wanted a home in the suburbs where our family could be modeled after her own family, a big house, a retirement plan, and the "typical" american family lifestyle. I am not an engineer like her dad was, I will never be one, and what the husband does for a living has a lot to do with the lifestyle you live and where you live. I did the corporate thing for a while to try to keep the calm and provide stability for our family (12 years or so), but in the end felt like I was literally dying inside. I finally got out and started my own photography business - which she is NOT happy about but she is making an attempt to support me (in all fairness, our marriage is in trouble for far more different reasons - we're working through those if at all possible).

So I encourage you to look carefully at your goals for the future and how you plan to live life. Are those goals compatible? Will they work together? Even if you don't know what you want to do "when you grow up", are your overall career interestes and plans for family life going to work together? If it comes down to it, are you willing to submit to your husband's plans for your family life, and is he willing to be repectful and considerate of your plans?

Ask all those questions. Sit down, hash them out. Don't let love blind you to the realities of the future. More often than not, most couples who do this find that their lives really are compatible. And compatibility does not mean you need to agree on everything - it just simply means you can agree on how to work out a solution to any problems you will face down the road. I wish you the best!

Chris

 

[Leanna]

Sometimes people are attracted because of their differences, and sometimes because of their similarities. Any couple who is willing to work at it can be compatible. But if you aren't married already and are asking what to look for, I would suggest more similarities than differences. Talk about everything so you can see if your views are the same. Then there are less issues to compromise on later and that sure is a lot less work. If you are already married, I believe you can be compatible with your spouse no matter the amount of differences or similarities. It just takes work, understanding, listening, all those good things!

 

[alaskamolly]

I believe that all people are inherently incompatible. Starting from that premise, two people are able to sort through their differences and likes and dislikes and habits and find ways to get along in every aspect of life. --Bliz

Amen to that one. Two people born in Adam are NOT compatible for long...flesh is flesh, and selfish human nature rears its ugly head eventually!


I like what many of the other posters said--I like the quote Michael shared the best:

“Compatibility does not hinge on some personal inventory of traits. Compatibility isn’t something you have. It’s something you make. It’s a process, one that you negotiate as you go along. Again and again. It’s a disposition, an attitude, a willingness to work.”

This is sooooooooooooooooo true. Interests change--even personalities change with the years and with various experiences, but the CHOICE to be together, the CHOICE to value the other person, the CHOICE to make time for their interests instead of always putting your own first, is crucial.


Personally, I always recommend finding a mate that is plain going for God! When you have someone hungry for God, obeying Him, seeking Him, choosing Him, then you have somebody who's going to be listening to His voice...and consequently, being an excellent marital partner (or becoming one, as they grow). And, if you are doing the same, then you will be a wonderful partner too.

 

[Andy Broadley]

I agree with Bliz and Alaskamolly, thats what I've found from my own experience

 

[Silver Speak]

Excellent points, people, thank you! I guess people are taught not to compromise when looking for *the perfect* mate.

Non-taken, Michael, awesome post