Communication is Our Problem

[charmar]

Hello All,
I am new to this board and very happy to find it. I am in search for a fresh outlook.

I will have been married for 12 years this June and I dated my husband for 6 years. So technically, we have known each other for 18 years. Oh my goodness, I just can't believe it has been this long. We have 3 beautiful children.

We are both very independent and head-strong people. It does not help matters when I am caucasian (really American Indian) and he is Mexican. Our families are two worlds apart. We realized this from the get go and knew it would be an obstacle.

We have had our ups and downs. The past few years, we have many downs, but the ups still out weigh them. However, I pledged that 2007 would be different. Already, 12 days in, we have had an outburst.

I find myself wondering why I am the one that worries and can't sleep and he is snoring. I am just tired of the same old thing. We never get any where with are discussions (fights). We always end up on opposite sides of any subject.

I can not seem to find a way of new communication, other than something drastic. I am depressed and he does not seem to care. He thinks I am a nag and he has a hot temper, so discussion always end up in a screaming match of who is the loudest. I always end up in tears and he ends up calling me names.

How do I break this cycle? I would be happy to elaborate more to whoever is interested.

In Christ,
Charlena

 

[Canuk]

One of the things that helps my wife and I out is to make sure we talk in feelings rather than accuse one another.

When you do this, I feel like this, rather than "you're such a jerk" kind of thing...

 

[brokenman]

Read the book Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, you are on what he calls the 'crazy cycle' that all relationships get in. I do think by any means this will be a fix all but this will definitely give you some insight to what is going on and how to help with the cycle. The book is kind of long but will help!

Some other good books regarding communication and this cycle you are in are 'The 5 Love Languages' and 'The DNA of Relationships.'

 

[Ari5]

Charmar -
Welcome to the forums!! You will get a

 

[Ari5]

Charmar -
Welcome to the forums!! You will get a lot of good advice here!

Communication can be hard especially when you are married for awhile. Do you take time to do things together? Sometimes when we grow closer together we can communicate better. I know it helped me to think that my husband & I need to be best friends. We need to take time for each other, respect each other, & work at our relationship.

I would also agree that you should watch how you say things, like don't be accusing. maybe say could we talk about something?? Or go to him & tell him how you are feeling & tell him you really want to work to make things better & come up with some things together.

A great book we have gotten alot of good things out of is "His needs, Her Needs" Excellent book, with lots of good ways to grow closer together.
Blessings to you! Ari

 

[Shaurii]

My DH and I have a stone (you can use any object), the point of the stone is that only the one who has the stone can talk. The other person can only talk when the stone is GIVEN to them. This method is an actual counselling method and should only be used when both parties are calm and ready to discuss, not in the middle of an argument!

 

[shoshanarose]

charmar
What a wonderful topic...there is just never enough good communication between husband and wife...
I have been married (2nd marriage, no children with first of almost 8 yrs.) and have a stepdaughter and natural born 5 yr old son and will be married 8 years this month.
We have read the wonderful books that Ari5 mentioned...awesome...and I will add a few others for your resources. For Women Only Shaunte Feldhahn and For Men Only... by Shaunte and her husband

These were priceless when it comes to understanding how our spouse hears and views things...we all need to first BE FREE in Christ and then we must allow ourselves to BE the people God has made us THEN we can have PERFECT union with others, first God and then our spouses. IT IS POSSIBLE...in the past 4 years we have been undergoing much growth...I will support you...
keep reading and praying and you will see that the communication that you are desiring must first come from you and then your spouse will be able to respond.

Hope you are having a better day...I have also found that the more that we can get past our own issues the less we are "triggered" to react in self-defensive ways...my husband is part Native Amer Indian and Jewish (same side) and I am Eastern European both born in the US...our prayers will be with you.
ShoshanaRose

 

[charmar]

When you do this, I feel like this, rather than "you're such a jerk" kind of thing...[/quote]
Thank you for your kind words. I will take your advice and get these books.

 

[charmar]

Hello,
I appreciate all you guys and your kind words. Communication issues have become exhausting. We got into it, this am.

See... let me elaborate a little. I married my high school sweetheart. I knew he was macho and a little spoiled, but there were great qualities that over shadowed these things. Honestly, I am stubborn and spoiled, as well.
Cesar, my husband, pretty much controlled finances and me when we were first married because that was the way he was brought up to do. (Old Fashioned Mexican Family Values) Well, I bucked and big time, so after a while he finally realized that I was not going to break so he bent a little or just gave up.

I explained that a marriage is suppose to be a partnership. I also informed him that I was old fashioned too in ways. I know that a woman is suppose to support her husband and be the backbone of the home. I have no problem with that. He agreed, but occasionally reverted into his macho ways. That is normal. Old habits are hard to break.

Anyways, through the years we both have made minor mistakes (no cheating or anything). Just you know the occasional over spending, disagreements with discipline for the kids, working too much, etc. However, after the first 5 years, I noticed his attentions were on other things. Sports, VIDEO GAMES, work, etc. This was the time I became the "NAG", so he says.

I realize this is normal, but my husband is the type of person that a discussion ALWAYS has to be a fight. I have requested many a time to not be interupted, to lets talk as adults and not scream, take turns expressing our feelings, etc. However, in his opinion there has to be a right and wrong. Or should I say, someone has to be right and wrong. Usually, I throw in the towel and just sarcastically tell him he is right, so the fight will end.

For example, as of late he is working too late, not calling to tell me, and then when he gets here he does nothing but eat, sit around and watch TV, and sleep. Except for the nights he expects intimacy from me. This is where the problem arises. I am tired by the end of the day, as well. I run my own gift basket business from our home, chase after 3 kids in the am and after 2:30 pm, take care of bills and arrands, cook, clean, bathe kids, and put them to bed. I am exhausted of doing it all alone. But when I tell him, he screams and tells me to give him a break and stop nagging. I have expressed my feelings calmly and rationally and he always says things are going to change, but they are not. This have been gradually getting worse over the past 4 years or so. I have threatened to leave with the kids. That was dumb. Cesar knows I fear God and won't do it. I have cried myself to sleep, which irritates Cesar greatly.

It just seems like he does not care. He always talks about himself and what he needs and wants out of life. He gives me a hard time about my business, but when it is making great deals of money during the holidays he becomes "CEO" and jokes with his family & friends that he is proud CEO. I am just tired of the yo-yo relationship. My nerves can't take it anymore.

I know this sounds petty, but there is more too it. This is just one example of what we fight about. I am all talked, cried, and tried out. I don't know what to do. He won't listen, he just keeps telling me my inadequacies and hopes I will give up and get out of his face. I am lost and please don't tell me to give it 100% to God. I have talked to God every night and even yelled at God. I am Pentacostal and believe that God can talk to you as plain as day, if He wanted to. Why is he not talking to me and telling me what to do?

Desperately Waiting,
Charlena

 

[shoshanarose]

Mi hermana Charlena;
I hear you! That sounds VERY similar to my H and I over two years ago...he had to fight constantly as well and he was ALWAYS right and I was always wrong. It is a long journey but not impossible...it is so nice that you were childhood sweethearts; this is our second marriage for both of us; no children before for me and one daughter who lives with us by his first marriage. I just want to encourage you to "look past" the symptoms both you and your H have and look at your hearts...You both have needs and God has created us to meet each other's needs. You are very busy taking care of work and children and home and he does the traditional "man thing" and thinks his job is done when he gets home. A mother and wife's job is never done but could be done enough and have time left over for a bubble bath, relaxing music and a little attention left for the H if he would be willing to see that you have needs too...mine has...he has been so kind lately...and he was very verbally harsh....all the time...there is hope. The books I have mentioned take time to read but in your journey you will find them very helpful in making good progress; with much prayer and faith that God has it all in control, of course. I will be praying for you because I have had and still have several friends praying for us. One thing that has helped my H to understand my needs is that I sincerely stated them..."I so badly need to hear you speak kindly to meand just hold me in your arms and tell me how much you love me...that is what I live and work for...your loving arms around me make me feel safe and loved"....It is true and he responded to it....GREATLY.
con todo mi corazón;
ShoshanaRose

 

[twob4me]

 

[wzr]

Charlena,

I am new here to this forum and have scanned posts the last few days, but can truly relate to your posting and the viscious cycle that doesnt ever end. Never changes. With my hubby and I, its been the same fight and arguement from day one, and that was almost 6 years ago. Only difference being is on Jan 1 this year, I asked him to leave. I could not take the fighting anymore, the words were always the same, hes sorry, it will change, and it never does. We are going to counseling right now and I must agree with some of the posts in here as far as both sides needing the desire to work it out. Its been hard the last month and a half but God is holding me together inside. Believe it or not, I am at peace for the first time in all of this. It has been going on for so long that I just felt it was hopeless. But I pray every day and night that God moves in my heart and in his heart so that Gods will be done, not mine, not his but Gods. The waiting is hard. The ups, the downs, but I want to be like some of the folks on here that are reflecting back to dark times and made it. And in my heart, I know if we dont make it, that God will still love me and still love him, unconditionally. I will pray for you and anytime I will talk with you and just listen. I cant fix it but I sure can listen. I know that only the Lord can fix it, fix me, him, us...but we can be here for each other and its nice having somewhere to go that you wont be condemned and judged.
God Bless
Wzr

 

[LisaR]

Carlena - thank you so much for bringing up this subject. I have and will be praying for you!

I am in a similar situation. I have been married for 7 years & we do not communicate at all. I barely see him! During a normal week he doesn't get home until after 8. We are going into a busy season of his & he will be getting home after 10 & working weekends for a few months. Anyway, all we do is fight! He is always saying why can't you do this, why can't you do that, why did you say that, why can't you be more this way or that way, your a nag, etc... Nothing I do is ever good enough. When we go out in public, he always make a point to ask me why I would say a certain thing & how I embarassed myself. He wants me to be what he wants & not who I am. For example he is a hard core conservative (not that there is anything wrong with that - please don't get mad) - if I ever disagree or have a different point of view he & his mother say that I am just saying this thing to upset him. Hmm, I guess I am not suppose to have a brain. I am really thinking our marriage is over. I always feel so lonely & put down. I have purchased some books & if I mention them - he gets mad stating that he doesn't want someone else telling him how to live his life!

I really do understand how hard it can be & I will continue praying for you!

Lisa

 

[IKTCA]

charmar,

Your post reminds me of my marriage of some years ago. My wife was so frustrated. She said she should not have married at all. (She didn't say she married a wrong man.)

Many complaints and much reasoning from my wife didn't register in my mind, because I was a good husband, period. I was the primary wage earner. I worked many hours beyond 40 in order to keep my job. I didn't cheat. I didn't drink beer. I didn't drive an expensive car. I watched sports on TV but never bought $100 sports tickets. Many of my friends left their wives at home on weekends to play golf, and drank beer on the way home. But I didn't. All these made me a good husband, period.

Finally, I realized I was not a loving husband. It didn't come from my wife. It came from the Lord Jesus. It came from reading the Bible and praying myself for years. I came to admit to the Lord that I betrayed his trust by not loving my wife whom he gave to me as my most precious gift. I started to change.

I used to gage love by doing certain things and not doing certain others (which I listed above). It was not in my soul that loving is honoring. Many years of my wife's reasoning was of no use. A good analogy is tithing. I used to gage faith by tithing. I was a faithful servant because I was a tither. But there was no desire in my heart to honor Jesus. When I realized this, I also realized I was not honoring (loving) my wife.

Do not despair. Wait until he turns around. All your reasoning will sound like nagging to your husband if he is just like me. Once he ackcnowledges his fault, he will be a different man. You will be glad that you "put up with him" for all those years.

I don't think it is just your marriage or mine. I believe many marriages are like ours. Many men are disobedient to the Lord. My wife married one, and you seem to have married another. As my Lord changed me, he will change your husband, too.

Rupert

 

[LisaR]

Rupert - I needed to here the words that you wrote! Thank you for the reminder that we need to love our spouses no matter what. They are a gift from God! It is so hard to remember that. i am married to an unbeliever & he ridicules Christianity.

Again, thank you! I will keep praying & I will do my best to remember he is a gift fro God!

 

[wzr]

Rupert,
Wow, those are some powerful words and shed perspective really to another side of the story. Thanks for sharing that, I think I needed to hear those words and know that the Lord has changed many hearts. Thank you

 

[Positivethinking]

Dearest Charlena,
I am going through some things as well and it is very hard to hear God when you're angry or harboring ill feelings. Convert those feelings to Love and that is God's language. Marriage is sacred and has to be nurtured. Can you and he write down every day, things about eachother that you are grateful for. By doing this, you both will bring about a feeling of gratefulness for eachother and your love will grow.
Please do whatever it takes to repair the damage. Leave the past behind and focus on a new loving relationship.
I wish you the very best and am saying a prayer for you now.
Loving wishes,
Carla