Commitment

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Ok, so here is the question: how long do you wait for a man/woman to commit to you? What I mean is, how long are you willing to date someone before they finally say that they want to marry you? (How long would you wait for them?)

I love my bf very much and I know that he loves me. We have been dating for nearly 3 years (3 years come this December). I don't always feel that he is "commited" to me because he can say that he loves me, and say that he wants to be with me forever, yet he is not ready for marriage (or to even get engaged). I know there are other things that keep him from it, but one of the issues is that he worries that we would have a bad marriage because I have trust issues. He thinks that they are getting worse.

I try hard to work on my trust issues, and it is not easy to just get rid of them (I got them from my childhood bc I grew up in a disfunctional home with abuse). Before I met my bf I knew I had some trust issues, but didn't know the extent because I hadn't really dated much before. So I am trying but my bf thinks that I am getting worse and this bothers me. So I also would like to know is: will no one ever love me completly unless I can get rid of my trust issues?

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

While it would be really good and healthy for both of you, for you to get over your trust issues, he also needs to understand what you went through, and he needs to try to help you deal with it. You need to do some praying. I can see with your trust issues why he may have a hard time agreeing to marry you. i think it would be best for your relationship if in some way you could get over this. Someone will love you w/ or w/o your trust issues.

 

[heartnsoul]

So I am trying but my bf thinks that I am getting worse and this bothers me. So I also would like to know is: will no one ever love me completly unless I can get rid of my trust issues?

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling frustrated about your relationship. Three years is a long time to be dating. Your boyfriend has concerns and it is understandable also why he may be reluctant to move to next commitment level of your relationship. Many of us have been from dysfunctional families and did not receive enough positive learning from our parents to be spiritually mature and ready for a marriage. So be comforted in knowing that you're not alone in this problem area.

Trust is the foundation of any relationship...ESPECIALLY trusting in God.

There are two things I would recommend for you. First is to seek some counseling for yourself and work through your trust issues. Second, it is crucial that you begin focusing your energies and commitment to God. Your security must be in God and God alone because God will always love you and never leave you. If you put your 100% trust in mankind, you will sometimes be disappointed because human beings are not perfect and they will sometimes say/do things that may be hurtful. Maybe join a few bible studies to learn who God is and what His expectations are for a godly marriage. As you grow in Christ, you will develop the spiritual maturity to love God, yourself and others. Your boyfriend could also benefit by joining you in a separate "couples" counseling AND join you in those bible studies so that he can maybe also work on some issues he may have too. It also may be helpful for both of you to surround yourself with strong Christian friends. Friendships like that will add joy and encouragement to your lives.

While you're going through counseling, a good book to read is: Healing Is A Choice. New Life Ministries is an excellent radio program where you can buy that book online at: www.newlife.com

Finally, before both of you even consider getting engaged, take a premarital course to make sure both of you are ready for the next step.

May God give you the wisdom and patience as you go through some growing pains. May God heal you and renew your heart so that you can experience His powerful love. I wish both of you lots of happiness. With God at the center of your relationship, everything is possible. God bless you both!!

 

[Leanna]

I don't understand what is meant by trust issues....? Is it similar to what has been discussed in marriage ministries forum, and its not really trust but rather you are insecure? Can you please explain more?

As for the length of time.... 3 years as 21 year old, yeah I would personally be just about done. But that's me. I figure the purpose of dating is to see if you would make good marriage partners and that can easily be done in 3 years at that age. If it were a 17 year old, then I would see no harm in longer. I would be feeling impatient too.

I have never heard of a guy saying he doesn't want to committ to marriage because of a girl's "trust" issue... I really would like to understand more about this...

 

[Carri20]

I would probably wait 1-2 years, but that's just me. Everyone is different.

I struggled with trusting people for a while too...not God, just people. But I think my issues were pretty mild. What kind of trust issues do you have? Are you afraid of being abandoned by a man, or beaten, or used, or cheated on? Sorry if my questions are prying. You don't have to answer them. Just trying to get a better grasp is all.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

When I say trust issues, I am talking about being able to trust him when it comes to other girls. I think that he puts himself into too many tempting situations which I am not comfortable with (such as driving a girl home with no one else with them; girl I've never met). But that is not really the issue. I often times struggle with him when he just talks to other girls that I find attractive, thinking that he likes them more than me. Things like that.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Oh...lol...and I wanted to just correct a mistake I made in my first post. We have been dating for 2 years and no 3. Lol....sorry folks. My bad.

 

[MN John]

As for the length of time.... 3 years as 21 year old, yeah I would personally be just about done. But that's me. I figure the purpose of dating is to see if you would make good marriage partners and that can easily be done in 3 years at that age. If it were a 17 year old, then I would see no harm in longer. I would be feeling impatient too.

It's a funny thing. Leanna who is around 25 thinks that 3 years isn't out of line for a 17-year-old but is getting to the limit for a 21-year-old. On the other hand, I agree completely with the sentiment, but as a 43-year-old I would say that it's not too long for a 21-year-old but would be getting to the limit for a 30-year-old. I guess it's all relative!

 

[heartnsoul]

I often times struggle with him when he just talks to other girls that I find attractive, thinking that he likes them more than me. Things like that.

As you focus on drawing closer to God, strengthen your walk with Him and develop the spiritual maturity to put your security 100% in God and God alone--only then will you finally be able to resolve your insecurity issue. Your lack of self confidence is due to the lack of security in God that keeps you in bondage of insecurity and prevents you from being free to live an abundant life as God has intended. Please seriously consider putting your romantic relationships on hold until you spend at least a year strengthening your walk with God.

May you renew your commitment to God and be patient to learn what a godly relationship is. May God restore your self esteem and help you grow in Christ to be the BEST for His glory. God bless you.

 

[JesusWasn'tWhite]

I don't always feel that he is "commited" to me because he can say that he loves me, and say that he wants to be with me forever, yet he is not ready for marriage (or to even get engaged).

Here's a common misconception.
Engagement isn't like a marriage-prep time. That's what dating is for.
If you're not ready for marriage, you shouldn't get engaged.

 

[Leanna]

It's a funny thing. Leanna who is around 25 thinks that 3 years isn't out of line for a 17-year-old but is getting to the limit for a 21-year-old. On the other hand, I agree completely with the sentiment, but as a 43-year-old I would say that it's not too long for a 21-year-old but would be getting to the limit for a 30-year-old. I guess it's all relative!

Yes I see what you are saying. It is probably because I got married when I was 19. I think dating for 3 years is a long time no matter what age, 21, 25, 31, etc. But dating for 3 years when you're 17 means you started at 14.... that's why I qualify these statements because to me a 17 year old needs more time :o

 

[MN John]

Engagement isn't like a marriage-prep time. That's what dating is for.
If you're not ready for marriage, you shouldn't get engaged.

I agree with you there. Although my intended and I intend to marry, first we intend to prepare. So in a year or two we will get engaged, then no more than 3 months after that we'll marry.

 

[JesusWasn'tWhite]

Engagement is the time it takes to plan the wedding.

 

[Leanna]

I didn't see OP say that she DID NOT want to plan and get married right away, so you're jumping to conclusions there with a lecture on something that wasn't even addressed.

 

[JesusWasn'tWhite]

I was adding on to the comment that JAKG made.
And it's not a lecture.
A lecture usually consists of more than a few sentances and a bit more condemnation.
But thanks.

 

[Leanna]

Here's a common misconception.
Engagement isn't like a marriage-prep time. That's what dating is for.
If you're not ready for marriage, you shouldn't get engaged.