College Admissions Essay

[HollyDoris]

So I'm applying to a Christian university and for the application essay, they want me to write about whether or not I've accepted Jesus as my savior and about one of the statements in their covenant of faith. It's supposed to be between 1 and 2 pages double spaced. Here is my rought draft. If anyone could offer and constructive critisicm or comments or anything, I would appreciate it SO MUCH!

Thanks!!

Jesus as My Savior​

I first accepted Jesus as my personal savior in February of my eighth grade year. Since then, my relationship with Jesus Christ has become the most important thing to me. Jesus has been the only one getting me through this life, through the good times and the bad. He has been my stronghold and the only friend I have that has stayed by my side no matter what has been happening in my life. Even when my faith has been weak and was suffering, God has always shown me that he is still here for me and that I can trust him.
The statement from A Covenant for Life Together that had the most meaning to me is, “We believe that life is sacred and people have worth because they are created in God’s image.” This statement happens to be one of the things that God has been continually reminding me of over the years. Often times I feel insignificant and worthless, but God always reminds me that he loves me and cares for me more than anyone else does. I know that if I am cherished by God, I don’t need to seek approval from anyone else. I frequently concern myself too much with what other people think of me and I let other people’s opinions affect me more than they should. God has shown me that if I just be myself and don’t change myself to please others that I will have more true friends that will last a lifetime, rather than a group of friends that will leave me if I ever let who I really am show. I have also learned that my life has purpose and is pleasing to God when I give up my selfish desires and live completely for him and his will. God is continually showing me the value that my life has for his plan, and I believe that my life, along with everyone else’s, is sacred and special in the eyes of God because he has created us according to his will and each of us hold an important part in God’s plan.

 

[Mskedi]

My suggestion would be to add some specificity. You have so many generalizations that there's no sense of you in the paper -- it'd be easily forgotten.

Instead, maybe you can give an example of when God stayed by your side "no matter what" (as you put it) or how you know that God cares about you more than anyone else does.

Basically -- you've got the conclusions, but not the process of how God works in your life.

If I were working in admissions, I'd find this forgetable, generic, and, finally, not a point in the applicant's favor.

I hope you don't mind my bluntness -- these are all just tips for revision! Good writing takes time and a whole lotta rewriting.

 

[HollyDoris]

Okay, Thankyou! Bluntness is what I need. I completely agree with what you are saying. I'll make some revisions now!

 

[HollyDoris]

Here's my new draft:

I first accepted Jesus as my personal savior in February of my eighth grade year. Since then, my relationship with Jesus Christ has become the most important thing to me. Jesus has been the only one getting me through this life, through the good times and the bad. He has been my stronghold and the only friend I have that has stayed by my side no matter what has been happening in my life. Even when my faith has been weak and was suffering, God has always shown me that he is still here for me and that I can trust him. One of the most challenging times in my faith was when I watched my best friend develop an addiction to drugs and alcohol. A few months later, she got into a serious car accident that left her with severe bleeding in the back of her brain, but after much prayer from churches and youth groups and the community, as well as putting our trust in God, she pulled through with no long term damage. I know that God has plans for her, and that she will eventually see that and forget the horrors of drugs and alcohol and give her life to Jesus.
The statement from A Covenant for Life Together that had the most meaning to me is, “We believe that life is sacred and people have worth because they are created in God’s image.” Our bodies should be sacred and a living sacrifice to God and we should refrain from sin such as drugs, alcohol, and premarital sex that would taint the bodies God gave us. This statement happens to be one of the things that God has been continually reminding me of over the years. Often times I feel insignificant and worthless when I realize how big this world is and how small I am, but God always reminds me that he loves me and cares for me more than anyone else does. I know that if I am cherished by God, I don’t need to seek approval from anyone else. I frequently concern myself too much with what other people think of me and I let other people’s opinions affect me more than they should. God has shown me that if I just be myself and don’t change myself to please others that I will have more true friends that will last a lifetime, rather than a group of friends that will leave me if I ever let who I really am show. I have also learned that my life has purpose and is pleasing to God when I give up my selfish desires and live completely for him and his will. God is continually showing me the value that my life has for his plan, and I believe that my life, along with everyone else’s, is sacred and special in the eyes of God because he has created us according to his will and each of us hold an important part in God’s plan.



Is it any better?

 

[Fed]

Try to keep paragraphs between 3-4 sentences long. Huge blocks of text are imposing and much harder to concentrate on, and your goal here is to get noticed.