cohabitation

[dqhall]

1. My family is dirt poor living in Mississippi. the date was set in April of next year because I cant afford to get them all here or put them up somewhere and that's when my moms said she could save the money

2. the church believes that members of the church must witness the marraige for it to be accepted by the church, that is their rule not mine

3. we didnt want to just up and leave the church because we were told church is supposed to be like family, the body of christ and you should try to solve issues instead of running from them. We liked alot of people at the church and wanted to try to make it work.

4. if we get married at a courthouse then the ceremony in april will not be a wedding. it will be a party. I get that may seem silly to some but to my fiance it matters alot. she wants her and my family to see us actually get married. and what about last names? if we get married she wants to change her last name . if we do that before the wedding it will be obvious we are already married..

Marriage is legal, not in and of itself a sin. When I was growing up there were stories, if a man and a woman were having sex before marriage, it was living in sin. Some of these rules date back to times before birth control. If the woman living in sin got pregnant before the wedding, the woman’s father might strongly recommend the man who made her pregnant should marry her. It was called a shotgun wedding. The man with the pregnant daughter was interested in seeing his daughter and grandchild cared for. Nowhere in the Bible does it say a couple must live apart for a year before the wedding. You are not supposed to do premarital sex a.k.a. fornication. People are not supposed to do adultery either. Adultery is sufficient grounds for divorce.

 

[eleos1954]

So I am really hurting. My fiance and I got engaged a month ago and we had only considered ourselves Christians for a very short time, like two months. We asked out pastor if he would marry us and he blatantly said no and that we would have to live separately for a year because we were living in sin and he wouldn't marry us that way. We have been together for five years and now the church membership is dogpiling us, basically telling us couples don't last if they live together before marriage and this has really hurt my fiance as she is a brand new Christian and really thought she would find acceptance here..., especially because we are trying to do the right thing. Now they are all pressuring us to do a courthouse wedding immediately or move apart which we can't do financially. I feel now like I'm going to hell and even though I'm trying to do the right thing and I'm still wrong. I really don't know what to do and it's making me hate myself, I never felt convicted by god in our situation before, as we agreed that we were making the best effort we can to live under gods law but we can't change the past our current situation. I can't get over this and I don't know what to do anymore. Do we lie to everyone and get married in a courthouse and just pretend that our ceremony is our real wedding? Why does it feel this sin is the one that the pastor stands so firm on, I know for a fact there is sin in everyone's hearts, divorced people get married all the time in the church and this is technically against the bible. I feel this will push away young Christians like us. I thought Jesus called us not to judge and if a couple wants to make their relationship right with god why would you turn them away and dogpile the church on them? I just feel lost and alone and now I'm worried my fiance is having doubts about Jesus because we are so new. Idk what to do anymore

Marriage in sight of the Lord is important .... marriage is a covenant relationship ... in His Word he likens it (marriage) as being the same type of covenant relationship we have with Him.

Both of you being in Jesus .... and being married (having a covenant relationship) will strengthen your relationship with one another as long as you are committed to Him ... you will be committed to one another.

We asked out pastor if he would marry us and he blatantly said no and that we would have to live separately for a year because we were living in sin and he wouldn't marry us that way

well... this is goofy .... go find another pastor ... perhaps another church to attend.

we all commit sin .... including your pastor.

so ... he is right about one thing .... we are called not to continuously live in sin ... but to flee from it. Not being married in sight of the Lord is indeed sin ... so to correct that .... get married being committed to Jesus and to one another .... begin anew in Him. You are wanting to flee from the sin of fornication .... and the two of you can do that now .... you can't do that because your pastor is preventing you from doing so?

Perhaps pass this verse along to him.

Romans 14:13
Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother.

 

[frank sears]

Quite a situation. If you want to please God you need to marry this woman or stop sleeping with her.

 

[Soyeong]

So I am really hurting. My fiance and I got engaged a month ago and we had only considered ourselves Christians for a very short time, like two months. We asked out pastor if he would marry us and he blatantly said no and that we would have to live separately for a year because we were living in sin and he wouldn't marry us that way. We have been together for five years and now the church membership is dogpiling us, basically telling us couples don't last if they live together before marriage and this has really hurt my fiance as she is a brand new Christian and really thought she would find acceptance here..., especially because we are trying to do the right thing. Now they are all pressuring us to do a courthouse wedding immediately or move apart which we can't do financially. I feel now like I'm going to hell and even though I'm trying to do the right thing and I'm still wrong. I really don't know what to do and it's making me hate myself, I never felt convicted by god in our situation before, as we agreed that we were making the best effort we can to live under gods law but we can't change the past our current situation. I can't get over this and I don't know what to do anymore. Do we lie to everyone and get married in a courthouse and just pretend that our ceremony is our real wedding? Why does it feel this sin is the one that the pastor stands so firm on, I know for a fact there is sin in everyone's hearts, divorced people get married all the time in the church and this is technically against the bible. I feel this will push away young Christians like us. I thought Jesus called us not to judge and if a couple wants to make their relationship right with god why would you turn them away and dogpile the church on them? I just feel lost and alone and now I'm worried my fiance is having doubts about Jesus because we are so new. Idk what to do anymore

Statistically speaking, couples are more likely to have a successful marriage if they don't cohabitate before getting married, but there are still many couples with successful marriages who cohabitated, so that is not at all the same as saying that if you cohabitate that it is guaranteed that it won't last.

Your pastor can and should lead the members of his congregation to repent from their sins, but it is not their job to punish you for your sins, especially after you have repented from them. They can certainly advise you that they think it would be better to put off getting married, but that decision should be yours. I got married just over a year after I first messaged my now wife, so I don't see the point of putting it off another year when you've already been together for 5 years. That being said, it is your pastors prerogative whether to do a wedding. It is a shame that he won't do it, but a courthouse wedding is a real and legal wedding. The is a possibility that a pastor from a different church might be willing to do your wedding if you want to do it in a church, though that might cause some friction. Jesus did not speak against judging at all, but spoke against judging hypocritically.

 

[Aussie Pete]

So I am really hurting. My fiance and I got engaged a month ago and we had only considered ourselves Christians for a very short time, like two months. We asked out pastor if he would marry us and he blatantly said no and that we would have to live separately for a year because we were living in sin and he wouldn't marry us that way. We have been together for five years and now the church membership is dogpiling us, basically telling us couples don't last if they live together before marriage and this has really hurt my fiance as she is a brand new Christian and really thought she would find acceptance here..., especially because we are trying to do the right thing. Now they are all pressuring us to do a courthouse wedding immediately or move apart which we can't do financially. I feel now like I'm going to hell and even though I'm trying to do the right thing and I'm still wrong. I really don't know what to do and it's making me hate myself, I never felt convicted by god in our situation before, as we agreed that we were making the best effort we can to live under gods law but we can't change the past our current situation. I can't get over this and I don't know what to do anymore. Do we lie to everyone and get married in a courthouse and just pretend that our ceremony is our real wedding? Why does it feel this sin is the one that the pastor stands so firm on, I know for a fact there is sin in everyone's hearts, divorced people get married all the time in the church and this is technically against the bible. I feel this will push away young Christians like us. I thought Jesus called us not to judge and if a couple wants to make their relationship right with god why would you turn them away and dogpile the church on them? I just feel lost and alone and now I'm worried my fiance is having doubts about Jesus because we are so new. Idk what to do anymore

Find someone who will marry you. God considers you married if you have lived together as man and wife. A marriage ceremony simply formalises your relationship. If the church won't marry you, a civil wedding is fine. It's your attitude that matters, not the format of the ceremony. I know a (now ex) couple that spent a fortune on their church wedding and 200 strong reception that lasted a couple of years. I know someone married by a civil celebrant that stayed together until the husband passed away.
We do require couples to separate before they marry. However, we place no time limit. The sooner the better, if anything. Yes, it can be difficult.Your church should be helping, not hindering. For example, someone should offer to let you live with them until the arrangements can be made. In Australia, one month is the minimum notice time that can be given. Surely that is not too much of a burden?

This is a great opportunity to trust Jesus early in your Christian lives. May I also suggest that you look up Mark Gungor's marriage seminars? You can find them on youtube. Taking his advice to heart will failure-proof your relationship. Prove the doubters wrong!

 

[Aussie Pete]

Quite a situation. If you want to please God you need to marry this woman or stop sleeping with her.

From what I read, that is exactly what he wants to do. He is not the problem, religious twittery is.

 

[Aussie Pete]

Statistically speaking, couples are more likely to have a successful marriage if they don't cohabitate before getting married, but there are still many couples with successful marriages who cohabitated, so that is not at all the same as saying that if you cohabitate that it is guaranteed that it won't last.

Your pastor can and should lead the members of his congregation to repent from their sins, but it is not their job to punish you for your sins, especially after you have repented from them. They can certainly advise you that they think it would be better to put off getting married, but that decision should be yours. I got married just over a year after I first messaged my now wife, so I don't see the point of putting it off another year when you've already been together for 5 years. That being said, it is your pastors prerogative whether to do a wedding. It is a shame that he won't do it, but a courthouse wedding is a real and legal wedding. The is a possibility that a pastor from a different church might be willing to do your wedding if you want to do it in a church, though that might cause some friction. Jesus did not speak against judging at all, but spoke against judging hypocritically.

In the OT, if there was consensual sex, the pair were required to marry and were not permitted to divorce. Yes, we are in the New Covenant and the OT law does not apply. However, we can see God's heart as far as marriage is concerned. The pastor needs to repent of his religiosity.

 

[Joined2krist]

Hi, welcome to the body of Christ. If you are unable to exercise control sexually, it is better to marry now so that you don't continue to sin.

 

[Lost4words]

Seek another parish i would say. Your pastor should be there to help you not turn you away.

God bless you both.

 

[com7fy8]

This is an opportunity to learn how to work things out with your wife, so you know how to do this while you are married. You both need to want to do whatever God desires, and neither of you should do anything uncheerfully, but how God blesses you.

And share with mature people who help you to grow in Jesus and God's word, who help you learn how to relate in marriage. And possibly such good examples can pray with you two and help you find out what to do.

There will always be impossible situations; so, pray and enjoy how God makes you creative in His peace