cohabitation

[Eli Goodman]

So I am really hurting. My fiance and I got engaged a month ago and we had only considered ourselves Christians for a very short time, like two months. We asked out pastor if he would marry us and he blatantly said no and that we would have to live separately for a year because we were living in sin and he wouldn't marry us that way. We have been together for five years and now the church membership is dogpiling us, basically telling us couples don't last if they live together before marriage and this has really hurt my fiance as she is a brand new Christian and really thought she would find acceptance here..., especially because we are trying to do the right thing. Now they are all pressuring us to do a courthouse wedding immediately or move apart which we can't do financially. I feel now like I'm going to hell and even though I'm trying to do the right thing and I'm still wrong. I really don't know what to do and it's making me hate myself, I never felt convicted by god in our situation before, as we agreed that we were making the best effort we can to live under gods law but we can't change the past our current situation. I can't get over this and I don't know what to do anymore. Do we lie to everyone and get married in a courthouse and just pretend that our ceremony is our real wedding? Why does it feel this sin is the one that the pastor stands so firm on, I know for a fact there is sin in everyone's hearts, divorced people get married all the time in the church and this is technically against the bible. I feel this will push away young Christians like us. I thought Jesus called us not to judge and if a couple wants to make their relationship right with god why would you turn them away and dogpile the church on them? I just feel lost and alone and now I'm worried my fiance is having doubts about Jesus because we are so new. Idk what to do anymore

 

[mama2one]

.

 

[trophy33]

Do we lie to everyone and get married in a courthouse and just pretend that our ceremony is our real wedding?

I do not understand this question. Why should you lie and why should you pretend?

You can have a small wedding in a courthouse/church and then celebration with your friends, without any lying or pretending.

I am not sure why the pastor sends you to courthouse, though, instead of marrying you.

 

[BPPLEE]

So I am really hurting. My fiance and I got engaged a month ago and we had only considered ourselves Christians for a very short time, like two months. We asked out pastor if he would marry us and he blatantly said no and that we would have to live separately for a year because we were living in sin and he wouldn't marry us that way. We have been together for five years and now the church membership is dogpiling us, basically telling us couples don't last if they live together before marriage and this has really hurt my fiance as she is a brand new Christian and really thought she would find acceptance here..., especially because we are trying to do the right thing. Now they are all pressuring us to do a courthouse wedding immediately or move apart which we can't do financially. I feel now like I'm going to hell and even though I'm trying to do the right thing and I'm still wrong. I really don't know what to do and it's making me hate myself, I never felt convicted by god in our situation before, as we agreed that we were making the best effort we can to live under gods law but we can't change the past our current situation. I can't get over this and I don't know what to do anymore. Do we lie to everyone and get married in a courthouse and just pretend that our ceremony is our real wedding? Why does it feel this sin is the one that the pastor stands so firm on, I know for a fact there is sin in everyone's hearts, divorced people get married all the time in the church and this is technically against the bible. I feel this will push away young Christians like us. I thought Jesus called us not to judge and if a couple wants to make their relationship right with god why would you turn them away and dogpile the church on them? I just feel lost and alone and now I'm worried my fiance is having doubts about Jesus because we are so new. Idk what to do anymore

The pastor should not have refused to marry you. You were trying to correct the situation. They are judging you because you lived with your fiancee but I bet they marry people all the time who were sleeping with each other and weren't married. You may want to find another Church, get married and put the past behind you. And don't worry about predictions that your marriage will fail. Something like half of all marriages end in divorce you are no more likely to get divorced than anyone else. I'm sorry you had this happen to you when you were trying to do the right thing. As far as what they are telling you let him who is without sin cast the first stone.

 

[Eli Goodman]

I do not understand this question. Why should you lie and why should you pretend?

You can have a small wedding in a courthouse/church and then lately celebration with your friends, without any lying or pretending.

mainly because I have family that wants to be present that can't be here until the money is saved and the same thing with my fiance. We are spending maybe 2k on our wedding but still want it to be special. I feel rushing to the courthouse and getting married with church members as witnesses we barely know because we are being made to feel guilty even though we turned our life over to god-like 3 months ago and are trying our best to make it right is just souring our experience. I was told that all sin and fall short of the glory of God and the only way to redemption is through Jesus christ. but it seems in this case we are being made to feel disgusting even though we didnt even know who jesus was 3 months ago and we have no control over the fact we cant live separately, and it will feel cheap to invite people to a wedding were we are already married. or my mother not being able to see as actually be married and instead just getting a party.. it just seems off and I dont understand that focus on our sin and seemingly ostracising us to the church. and no he refuses to marry us in the church at anytime unless we are living seperately for a year of have a marriage cert and take 6 months of marriage counseling through him at the church

 

[trophy33]

mainly because I have family that wants to be present that can't be here until the money is saved and the same thing with my fiance. We are spending maybe 2k on our wedding but still want it to be special. I feel rushing to the courthouse and getting married with church members as witnesses we barely know because we are being made to feel guilty even though we turned our life over to god-like 3 months ago and are trying our best to make it right is just souring our experience. I was told that all sin and fall short of the glory of God and the only way to redemption is through Jesus christ. but it seems in this case we are being made to feel disgusting even though we didnt even know who jesus was 3 months ago and we have no control over the fact we cant live separately, and it will feel cheap to invite people to a wedding were we are already married. or my mother not being able to see as actually be married and instead just getting a party.. it just seems off and I dont understand that focus on our sin and seemingly ostracising us to the church.

Ok, its many things put together. When you separate them into single smaller problems, its easier to solve them step by step.

1. Why cant your family be there until the money is saved? I am pretty sure your family do not care about how much money will be spent, they just want to be there and see you (or, possibly, will provide the money you need).

2. I am not sure why you need to take the church members you barely know as witnesses? You can choose any witnesses you want, from your closer friends or family.

3. If you do not feel accepted/welcome in the church, its no big deal today, there are dozens of churches in any bigger city, what about trying some other one, less strict and more friendly?

4. You can celebrate your marriage later, without pretending its wedding. There is no law about that, you can do it as it fits your situation, you do not have to make it according to movies. Its your thing.

 

[dqhall]

So I am really hurting. My fiance and I got engaged a month ago and we had only considered ourselves Christians for a very short time, like two months. We asked out pastor if he would marry us and he blatantly said no and that we would have to live separately for a year because we were living in sin and he wouldn't marry us that way. We have been together for five years and now the church membership is dogpiling us, basically telling us couples don't last if they live together before marriage and this has really hurt my fiance as she is a brand new Christian and really thought she would find acceptance here..., especially because we are trying to do the right thing. Now they are all pressuring us to do a courthouse wedding immediately or move apart which we can't do financially. I feel now like I'm going to hell and even though I'm trying to do the right thing and I'm still wrong. I really don't know what to do and it's making me hate myself, I never felt convicted by god in our situation before, as we agreed that we were making the best effort we can to live under gods law but we can't change the past our current situation. I can't get over this and I don't know what to do anymore. Do we lie to everyone and get married in a courthouse and just pretend that our ceremony is our real wedding? Why does it feel this sin is the one that the pastor stands so firm on, I know for a fact there is sin in everyone's hearts, divorced people get married all the time in the church and this is technically against the bible. I feel this will push away young Christians like us. I thought Jesus called us not to judge and if a couple wants to make their relationship right with god why would you turn them away and dogpile the church on them? I just feel lost and alone and now I'm worried my fiance is having doubts about Jesus because we are so new. Idk what to do anymore

You are already together. If you truly love each other you should not separate. A marriage certificate is a legal document giving two people rights and responsibilities. Living separately is expensive with rents approaching $5,000. in some places. There is a housing shortage. Am not sure the pastor is acting in your best interests. You might try visiting other churches.

 

[Eli Goodman]

Ok, its many things put together. When you separate them into single smaller problems, its easier to solve step by step.

1. Why cant your family be there until the money is saved? I am pretty sure your family do not care about how much money will be spent, they just want to be there and see you (or, possibly, will provide the money you need).

2. I am not sure why you need to take the church members you barely know as witnesses? You can choose any witnesses you want, from your closer friends or family.

3. If you do not feel accepted/welcome in the church, its no big deal today, there are dozens of churches in any bigger city, what about trying some other one, less strict and more friendly?

4. You can celebrate your marriage later, without pretending its wedding. There is no law about that, you can do it as it fits your situation, you do not have to make it according to movies.

1. My family is dirt poor living in Mississippi. the date was set in April of next year because I cant afford to get them all here or put them up somewhere and that's when my moms said she could save the money

2. the church believes that members of the church must witness the marraige for it to be accepted by the church, that is their rule not mine

3. we didnt want to just up and leave the church because we were told church is supposed to be like family, the body of christ and you should try to solve issues instead of running from them. We liked alot of people at the church and wanted to try to make it work.

4. if we get married at a courthouse then the ceremony in april will not be a wedding. it will be a party. I get that may seem silly to some but to my fiance it matters alot. she wants her and my family to see us actually get married. and what about last names? if we get married she wants to change her last name . if we do that before the wedding it will be obvious we are already married..

 

[trophy33]

1. My family is dirt poor living in Mississippi. the date was set in April of next year because I cant afford to get them all here or put them up somewhere and that's when my moms said she could save the money

2. the church believes that members of the church must witness the marraige for it to be accepted by the church, that is their rule not mine

3. we didnt want to just up and leave the church because we were told church is supposed to be like family, the body of christ and you should try to solve issues instead of running from them. We liked alot of people at the church and wanted to try to make it work.

4. if we get married at a courthouse then the ceremony in april will not be a wedding. it will be a party. I get that may seem silly to some but to my fiance it matters alot. she wants her and my family to see us actually get married. and what about last names? if we get married she wants to change her last name . if we do that before the wedding it will be obvious we are already married..

I see. Well, it happens in real life that we cannot have everything the way we imagined it and we must often prioritize one thing over another.

Basically, you want a combination that is not possible at the moment. That will lead you to anxiety, if you will keep yourself in its unsolvable state.

You can either wait till this combination will be possible or sacrifice some of your wishes for the sake of quickness.

 

[mama2one]

talk with other Pastors & see if one will marry you in April
then start attending that church


we got engaged in May & married in Sept so it's possible to plan a wedding in a few mos

 

[Eli Goodman]

start attending another church, talk with the Pastor, & see if he will marry you in April


we got engaged in May & married in Sept so it's possible to make it happen in a few mos

yes thinking of talking to other pastors and seeing their viewpoint. i appreciate ur advice

 

[trophy33]

yes thinking of talking to other pastors and seeing their viewpoint. i appreciate ur advice

Yes, its the frequent thing in new Christians that they believe the first church they visited is "the" church. Often, its not the best one. But you will see, maybe it is.

 

[seashale76]

So I am really hurting. My fiance and I got engaged a month ago and we had only considered ourselves Christians for a very short time, like two months. We asked out pastor if he would marry us and he blatantly said no and that we would have to live separately for a year because we were living in sin and he wouldn't marry us that way. We have been together for five years and now the church membership is dogpiling us, basically telling us couples don't last if they live together before marriage and this has really hurt my fiance as she is a brand new Christian and really thought she would find acceptance here..., especially because we are trying to do the right thing. Now they are all pressuring us to do a courthouse wedding immediately or move apart which we can't do financially. I feel now like I'm going to hell and even though I'm trying to do the right thing and I'm still wrong. I really don't know what to do and it's making me hate myself, I never felt convicted by god in our situation before, as we agreed that we were making the best effort we can to live under gods law but we can't change the past our current situation. I can't get over this and I don't know what to do anymore. Do we lie to everyone and get married in a courthouse and just pretend that our ceremony is our real wedding? Why does it feel this sin is the one that the pastor stands so firm on, I know for a fact there is sin in everyone's hearts, divorced people get married all the time in the church and this is technically against the bible. I feel this will push away young Christians like us. I thought Jesus called us not to judge and if a couple wants to make their relationship right with god why would you turn them away and dogpile the church on them? I just feel lost and alone and now I'm worried my fiance is having doubts about Jesus because we are so new. Idk what to do anymore

Fornication is a mortal sin. Quit trying to play the whataboutism game in order to justify your own sins. You absolutely can get a courthouse wedding. You can afford to do that. Showing a complete unwillingness to change means you're not wanting to actually repent.

 

[trophy33]

Fornication is a mortal sin. Quit trying to play the whataboutism game in order to justify your own sins. You absolutely can get a courthouse wedding. You can afford to do that. Showing a complete unwillingness to change means you're not wanting to actually repent.

God knows their situation and knows they are few months old Christians who are trying to figure out what to do. No need to fire at them and to dismiss their sincerity.

Fear mongering and stressful pressure is not useful in their situation, they need peace to have clear minds to find solutions.

However, I would recommend celibacy, till the wedding, if they can manage.

 

[Eli Goodman]

Fornication is a mortal sin. Quit trying to play the whataboutism game in order to justify your own sins. You absolutely can get a courthouse wedding. You can afford to do that. Showing a complete unwillingness to change means you're not wanting to actually repent.

I don't believe I show a complete unwillingness to change... I learned about Jesus 3 months ago and have never been in church my whole life and neither has my fiance. we have been together for 5 years and just started going to church as I felt convicted to try. I don't feel your attitude is conducive to how Christian would behave either. especially when a new Christian comes out and opens up about their struggles and hardships. I dont know if u can tell but i obviously feel bad enough to post about it. i obviously care enough to look for a solution. If i didnt care i wouldnt post here at all and I dont know why this is the response i get. Im trying my best, i cant change the past and I doubt you are without sin...also arent all sins the same in gods eyes? I thought that was the whole point

 

[Eli Goodman]

God knows their situation and knows they are few months old Christians who are trying to figure out what to do. No need to fire at them and to dismiss their sincerity.

Fear mongering and stressful pressure is not useful in their situation, they need peace to have clear minds to find solutions.

However, I would recommend celibacy, till the wedding, if they can manage.

we are trying our hardest to remain as celibate as possible. there have obviously been slip-ups . Its just been hard coming from a place of no religion and just doing it on our own time to now living together for this long and not being able to look at each other or be intimate without feeling guilt. I just really dont believe she will agree to a courthouse wedding as ive brought it up and she is totally against it and I dont know how to proceed from here as i dont trust myself to not give in to temptation over the next 7 months untill we have saved enough for our actual wedding so i can get my family here so they can be apart of it

 

[trophy33]

I just really dont believe she will agree to a courthouse wedding as ive brought it up and she is totally against it and I dont know how to proceed from here as i dont trust myself to not give in to temptation over the next 7 months untill we have saved enough for our actual wedding so i can get my family here so they can be apart of it

If your girlfriend is not on your side in this, you will have a difficult time. On the other hand, 7 months is not 7 years. Separate beds are necessary, if you want to keep yourself clean.

Even though its a sin, I will not pretend it matters too much after 5 years of sleeping together, if you will slip few times in the next 7 months. At least you will try. Even if you will just limit it, its still some progress compared to who you were before. Nobody attains mastery from day one and who is used to it, its similar to addiction.

 

[BPPLEE]

we are trying our hardest to remain as celibate as possible. there have obviously been slip-ups . Its just been hard coming from a place of no religion and just doing it on our own time to now living together for this long and not being able to look at each other or be intimate without feeling guilt. I just really dont believe she will agree to a courthouse wedding as ive brought it up and she is totally against it and I dont know how to proceed from here as i dont trust myself to not give in to temptation over the next 7 months untill we have saved enough for our actual wedding so i can get my family here so they can be apart of it

You can't have everything you want. You're going to have to make some decisions. If you are wanting to wait 7 months to get married while living together I don't think a courthouse wedding is such a bad idea then have the ceremony when everyone can be there. You're going to have to make some compromises somewhere no matter what you do. Only you can make those decisions though, other people can only make suggestions.

 

[Eli Goodman]

You can't have everything you want. You're going to have to make some decisions. If you are wanting to wait 7 months to get married while living together I don't think a courthouse wedding is such a bad idea then have the ceremony when everyone can be there. You're going to have to make some compromises somewhere no matter what you do. Only you can make those decisions though, other people can only make suggestions.

i know. I guess i just need to work on convincing her to do the courthouse thing and doing the ceremony later

 

[BPPLEE]

i know. I guess i just need to work on convincing her to do the courthouse thing and doing the ceremony later

That sounds like a good plan.