Co-sleeping with our children

[Papist]

We have a baby and a four-year old. My wife sleeps with the children in our king-sized futon bed. I haven't slept with them for ages there just isn't room in the bed ... and I am starting to feel somewhat lonely, and wondering when I'll get to sleep with my wife again! (In the literal sense, that is! We do manage to snatch the odd child-free moment for t'other sort of sleeping together ...) Should we try to get our older child into her own bed? Or will she eventually want to sleep on her own without our intervention?

 

[49erfan]

Each child should have their own bed or crib. And eventually, if possible, their own room.

Yes, you should move the 4-year-old into her bed and the baby should be in a crib. Sleeping with you once in awhile isn't bad, but this should not be a every night thing.

 

[kimber1]

I agree, if you let them do it now it will develop into a life long habit possibly. and you dont want that!!

 

[Beckijhn]

Have you tried getting a small mattress to put on the floor next to the futon? I have no problem with the family bed, but it needs to include both parents.

I'd get a small mattress and encourage one and then both to move down and then eventually to their own bed.

My kids crash with me on occasion (Big TV in my room) when we have movie night. Mine are 15, 12, and 10.

If you choose to keep the family bed possibly look into an extension or another futon type bed to add on, or something along those lines. I know there are solutions I have friends who have kids that are in the bed and they are older than yours.

 

[Mom4Christ]

I only have a baby. My husband and I both miss being able to cuddle and do other things at night in our bed, but it is a lot easier to breastfeed with my son right there. Also we love being close to him at night. Eventually, he'll go in his crib, but right now, we just want to enjoy our son.

 

[fieldmouse3]

I'm not a parent, but I'd get them their own beds/rooms, pronto. My mom let my little brother sleep with her once or twice, and it was YEARS before he'd go to sleep on his own!

 

[karla]

I think that it should be whatever you and your wife feel is acceptable. For us, we kept our children in their own bed/crib from the beginning. There are mornings where the kids get up earleier than we would like to so, we bring them to bed with us. Talk to your wife about it, but whatever you decide make sure you are consistent and don't give-in to the kids.

 

[Papist]

Our problem is that we're too soft-hearted!!! Although I'm glad we're not hard-hearted!!!

We follow 'attachment parenting' approaches (William Sears and co). Co-sleeping is all part of that. However, the hard work is all supposed to be over and done with by three, and their's supposed to merrily go off and be naturally independent (within toddler-reason, though, of course! They're not exactly meant to leave home at that age ...). Well, the older girl was until the baby was born ... she did actually sleep alone for a while ... but now she's back in the family bed. (There's not room for an extra mattress ...) I'm still glad we did it, though. We were aiming for her to have a lot of security, I suppose because our own parents didn't give us that.

 

[Brittney Moody]

You know what someday all your kids will be big and they won't want anything to do with you- unless they need a ride somewhere or want some money. Take advantage of this time where they need you and want you. You have the rest of your life to sleep with your wife! But your kids won't want to for very much longer.

 

[Miss Shelby]

We have a baby and a four-year old. My wife sleeps with the children in our king-sized futon bed. I haven't slept with them for ages there just isn't room in the bed ... and I am starting to feel somewhat lonely, and wondering when I'll get to sleep with my wife again! (In the literal sense, that is! We do manage to snatch the odd child-free moment for t'other sort of sleeping together ...) Should we try to get our older child into her own bed? Or will she eventually want to sleep on her own without our intervention?

If it is making you uncomfortable, YES, make those kids sleep in their own bed/crib. Who runs the household, Papist?

Michelle

 

[TCapp]

I agree with you for the most part, but I'd go crazy if I didn't get to spend sleeping-time with my hubby! My little boy sleeps in a crib/playpen at the foot of the bed. He's in the room, but not crowding us in the bed. It works for us. I guess that's the key. He will eventually move to big sister's room, because #3 will need the little crib.

 

[Papist]

You know what someday all your kids will be big and they won't want anything to do with you- unless they need a ride somewhere or want some money. Take advantage of this time where they need you and want you. You have the rest of your life to sleep with your wife! But your kids won't want to for very much longer.

That's a very good point! It's all about their need for closeness and security. I believe that in Jesus's time, families would sleep all together. I read somewhere that the 'crib' pictures of Jesus are unrealistic ...

 

[Papist]

If it is making you uncomfortable, YES, make those kids sleep in their own bed/crib. Who runs the household, Papist?

Michelle

I don't think it's a question of anyone running or not running the household ... it's about what's best for the kids. I think when you have kids you have to bend your lifestyle to their needs. I loathe daycare dumps for babies and the like -- making the babies conform to your needs rather than taking into account theirs.

There are times for imposing authority, and there are times for respecting needs. Parenthood is a sacrifice in many ways.

 

[Miss Shelby]

Well, okay Papist, I certainly do not want to tell you how to run your affairs. But in the very first post, you said that you were lonley because you hadn't slept with your wife in a while, you are being outsted and made to sleep...where?

If it doesn't bother you, hey, let them sleep with your wife or you all you want. I don't think there is anything detrimental in that at all.

I have a three and a five year old, and I will be darned if they are going to sleep in MY bed while I have to go sleep on the couch or something...I want to be comfortable. And they can certainly be comfortable in their own beds, too.

Michelle

 

[Papist]

If it is making you uncomfortable, YES, make those kids sleep in their own bed/crib. Who runs the household, Papist?

Michelle

Sorry if that seemed a bit snappy, Michelle! I guess it triggered the memory of battles we have had with relatives over co-sleeping ...

I suppose my problem is that personally, I would like her in her own bed, but at the moment it seems like she needs to sleep with mum, and if it leads to less sibling rivalry in the future, then it may be the right thing to do.

I sleep in the spare bed, which is comfortable enough!

I don't know the answer -- when does one impose one's own needs/wants, or go with the child's needs?

We both grew up with parents who totally neglected our needs so we don't want to repeat that pattern. But we don't want to lag behind with the discipline either ... it is a tightrope!

 

[Miss Shelby]

You didn't seem snappy at all Papist. I hope I didn't either. I am the first to admit that parenting is THE HARDEST job in the world. The 'who's running the household' comment was probably unnecessary. I'm sorry.

Michelle

 

[Beckijhn]

Papist - I think it's natural for a child to regress a bit when the next is born. My kids are 2 1/2 yrs apart and each of my older ones regressed a bit (Potty training, talking, etc) when the next was born. It may work itself out, or it may not.

You may have to throw a sleeping bag on the floor and tell your older one that she has a bed but if she wants to be close she can sleep on the floor. It may not take long for her to move back to her bed.

It's worth a shot!

 

[kiwimac]

If your older child came BACK to your bed after the baby was born, it probably is related to that event. Just give it time. It's not easy I know, but give it time.

Kiwimac (who has three kids)

 

[IslandBreeze]

I must say I'm absolutely shocked that any adult would invite their children into their marriage bed. I believe a marriage bed is for sleeping and intimacy for the husband and wife. I do not believe it is for 'family time.' To the original poster: are you not concerned that you are raising up your children for a lifetime of fearfulness and neediness? I wonder what kind of psychological damage 'family sleeping' could do to a child when they are older. And I also wonder what kind of damage it's doing to your marriage. I understand that you are a very caring parent, but making your child sleep in his or her own bed for the sanctity of your marriage is NOT neglect, and I don't believe you are putting your needs above your childs by making them sleep alone either.

 

[Angel75]

sorry, not a christian so i had to remove post. ill email you papist