Close Friends

[sOuLifieD]

What is your opinion on close guy/girl friendships? Should they happen? If so, what in your opinion should the boundaries be as far as how close is too close? If not, why?

I have a friend. I didn't like Brady at all when I met him at church. I thought he was a jerk. However, as time would have it, we started talking & hanging out a lot, and rumors flew around the church about "us" - which freaked me out because I thought it would end our friendship... but it didn't. We just kept hanging out & talking online and on the phone, and getting closer. It's been great.
Also, a little while before this, I was coming from the complete opposite of thinking guys and girls shouldn't be emotionally close, and obviously that changed...but I want to be doing what's right, and I don't know if this is. Should a guy & a girl be this close to eachother? Emotionally?
Brady makes me feel good. I'm closer to him now than I have been with anyone for a long time. We can hangout and do something exciting - or do nothing. We spent 5 hours at his house the other day just laying around watching TV and eating pizza. He's one of the only people who I can do nothing with & still have a blast. He does things like messing with my hair, or coming up behind me & hugging me, & just little things he does to touch me. It feels goooooood. I won't lie about that...but I'm confused about if it's right for 2 people who are JUST FRIENDS. His hugs are warming. I like being close to him like that. He's my bestfriend. Saying "I love you" has become a part of our friendship. I care about him so much.

What is your opinion on close guy/girl friendships? What boundaries should there be?

 

[Sketcher]

If I'm going to be that close to a girl, I'm going to be dating her.

 

[Thithy]

I think it's great for a guy and a girl to be friends. I think everyone should have at least one friend of the opposite sex that is really close. I've had a friend since the 8th grade that was a boy. I'd be careful though if you guys hug as much as you do. But then again, it might not be that big of a deal. I say I love you to my guy friend, but that's because I do. Not the I'm in love with you I love you, just I love you. I tell my female friends that I love them, again, in the Agape type love. I personally think it's fine.

 

[Iggster]

Minus the kissing and marriage.....Sounds like you too are already together. Doesn't seem to bother you when he touches you. If he didn't like you, he wouldn't be so playful with you.

I think the real question here is," Could your friendship have grown into a g/f b/f relationship?"

 

[the_man]

I believe in such a thing as emotional intimacy and a guy/girl friendship can easily cross that boundry. Intimacy of this kind should be reserved until one is in a relationship that leads towards a marriage. It's not too dissimilar to physical intimacy IMO. (e.g. you wouldn't kiss someone you are just friends with).

 

[Fatolia]

I would guess there is a 95% probability that your friend thinks there is something more going on. From my observations, my guy friends seem to have more trouble regulating their romance genes more than the ladies...a close female friend often means a female partner. Ask him what he thinks. It would be nice for everyone to know what was going on.

 

[goat37]

I've got several female friends that I am very close to... we talk about very intimate and personal things, I compliment them and try to motivate them, and make them feel really good about themselves.. I'll tell them how much I adore them and that I really cherish our friendship... And they all reciprocate it... but there is not a single shred of romantic feelings toward any of them.


They are usually the ones I turn to when I need girl help, actually... They all know that I have a girlfriend and am only into her, and they all know that I am not 'into' them like that... and they are not 'into' me like that either, so they are extra comfortable around me because they know that I have no romantic feelings toward them. And my girlfriend knows about my close relationships and she thinks it's great, she is even friends with several of them...

There is no more physical interaction other than hugging when I see them and when I leave... and there never will be more than that, because I wouldn't be comfortable with it... but there is nothing wrong with being emotionally close to someone if they are of the opposite sex... imo at least.

 

[sOuLifieD]

I would guess there is a 95% probability that your friend thinks there is something more going on. From my observations, my guy friends seem to have more trouble regulating their romance genes more than the ladies...a close female friend often means a female partner. Ask him what he thinks. It would be nice for everyone to know what was going on.

Yeahhhh. I've actually thought it might be more on his side... but I don't know. We talked on the phone today for an hour and we started talking about girl stuff (1 in particular who I thought he liked but apparently he didn't.) and he said "I don't have time for a girl right now. Especially one who lives 45 minutes away."
So yeah, that kind of stuff is a little confusing...because if he thought of me in a more than friend way, saying "I don't have time for a girl right now." is kind of out of place, ya?

I don't even know. lol. I want to be honest with him & to talk to him about all of this, but I don't want to be looking into it too much you know?

 

[Brutus/HisCatalyst]

This is a great Thread! Some great things are being said.

I am one of those guys who found it easier to talk with girls in High School than guys. Teenage guys these day are driven to much by lust. God had to try me very hard to give up my desire to be in a relation ship. When I came to college and found more guys to relate to, this tendecy decreased, but I'm still very personable with Ladies.

For me, I have several female friends who I'm very close to. We hug, tickle, and I treat them as respectfully as I would treat a future girl friend, yet I have no interest in dating them. I'm one of those guys who is still driven by chivalry. Chivalry was behavior to all ladies, not just the one you liked. To me, hugging and tickling really aren't that intimate. Friends should not fear touching each other.

Now, of course there is a line. I do not cuddle, hold hands, or other things like that. Those things are clearly intimate and should be saved for a romantic relationship.

I've often been told that I'm very emotional for a guy, but when you observe the life styles of most cultures, such behavior is rather customary. The Bible does not say anything about separating such friendly behaviors because of Gender.

The defining issue again is how you control your desires.

 

[fishstix]

What is your opinion on close guy/girl friendships? Should they happen? If so, what in your opinion should the boundaries be as far as how close is too close? If not, why?

I have a friend. I didn't like Brady at all when I met him at church. I thought he was a jerk. However, as time would have it, we started talking & hanging out a lot, and rumors flew around the church about "us" - which freaked me out because I thought it would end our friendship... but it didn't. We just kept hanging out & talking online and on the phone, and getting closer. It's been great.
Also, a little while before this, I was coming from the complete opposite of thinking guys and girls shouldn't be emotionally close, and obviously that changed...but I want to be doing what's right, and I don't know if this is. Should a guy & a girl be this close to eachother? Emotionally?
Brady makes me feel good. I'm closer to him now than I have been with anyone for a long time. We can hangout and do something exciting - or do nothing. We spent 5 hours at his house the other day just laying around watching TV and eating pizza. He's one of the only people who I can do nothing with & still have a blast. He does things like messing with my hair, or coming up behind me & hugging me, & just little things he does to touch me. It feels goooooood. I won't lie about that...but I'm confused about if it's right for 2 people who are JUST FRIENDS. His hugs are warming. I like being close to him like that. He's my bestfriend. Saying "I love you" has become a part of our friendship. I care about him so much.

What is your opinion on close guy/girl friendships? What boundaries should there be?

It's fine to have a close friend of the opposite gender. After all, if you have any intention of getting married one day, eventually your very best friend will be of the opposite gender. If you keep getting really close with your friend, eventually one or both of you is going to fall in love with the other. Then you'll likely go one of two directions - either you'll start dating/courting or things will start getting awkward and the friendship will get more distant or even fall apart.

It's up to you and your friend to determine where the boundary is between just friends and boyfriend/girlfriend - but remember that a close friendship can result in heartbreak just like a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship can. So if you couldn't see yourself ever going out with (and potentially marrying) the guy then you'll probably want to be careful not to get so close that your relationship is basically boyfriend/girlfriend in everything but name. To be honest, it sounds like you are probably already at that point. If you could see yourself going out with (and potentially marrying) the guy, you will still want to guard your heart, but keep working on the friendship until the time is right for the two of you to start dating/courting (whichever you prefer).

Regardless of where you draw the line at which you start thinking of it as a romantic relationship, make sure that you follow the Biblical guidelines of treating each other as siblings and staying away from sexual temptation.

If you need advice that is more specific to your situation, I would suggest praying about it (God gives the best advice) and talking with a trusted and mature person who knows the both of you.

 

[boilerblues]

I've learned a lot about this the hard way. It's hard to be close with someone of the opposite sex and not have one of you start to think there may be something more happening. I've been hurt in this area and I've hurt women in this area (not something I'm proud of). I'm still trying to figure out where that line is, for myself and for them. With time you learn what your own boundaries are, the other person's boundaries you will always have to figure out because they vary based on their personality and struggles.

Here's my boundaries I've figured out for myself:
I shouldn't spend one on one time with a member of the opposite sex and if I have to (like meeting with one of the female leaders of my house church) I try to get another person to be there or I make sure that we are in a public place.

I need to limit my deep, especially emotional, conversations (or emails) with women. An occasional one is ok, but on a regular basis is not healthy.

I can't recall the other ones at the moment, I really should take time to write them down.

Now if I decide that I want to pursue a woman for a deeper relationship I will carefully lower some of my boundaries. There are some boundaries that need to be kept in place, but I allow one on one time (still keep it public if possible) and we'll have deeper conversations.

There's a book out called "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, I just picked it up yesterday and haven't read it yet. A few years ago I picked up their book "Boundaries in Dating" and it was a very helpful book to read. It helped me understand how to guard my interactions with women (even in just a friendship) better. I would recommend you at least check out the "Boundaries in Dating" book.

It's hard because we all desire a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex, but we need to be careful about it. I've also discovered that our hearts can deceive us, we don't think we're in an unhealthy place or we don't see the danger. But I've learned that it really isn't a healthy thing to be too close. There does need to be relationships with the opposite sex, but there needs to be well defined boundaries. From what you describe, based on my experiences learning the hard way, you are well beyond healthy boundaries.

I do want to commend your humility in asking for input on this, most people don't think about this danger. Taking time to examine this, if you follow through with what you learn, will be a very good step towards having healthy relationships in the future.

 

[sOuLifieD]

ha, I'm actually reading "Boundaries in Dating" right now... it's a very good book so far.

It was a lot easier for me to say I'd never be in a situation like this, when there wasn't opporitunity to be.

 

[sweetlambofgod]

i think its good to have close friends of both sexes

 

[2Timothy2]

Well, I think we can definately say Paul had female friends, so there is certainly nothing wrong with men and women being friends. As far as boundaries, guard your heart. Let nothing compromise your relationship with God. A true friend wouldn't do this anyways, so...

Some people make friends mostly with the same gender, some mainly with the opposite. I think it is more a matter of personality than anything else.

Friendships can turn into something more, or remain on the platonic level. A friend is a friend, and that is a good thing, no?

 

[chanis]

I think it's cool if you have freinds of the opposite sex...I have about 2 male friends who I'm super close with and feel very comfortable chatting and hanging out with them...it really depends on personality...but I would say guard your heart becuase many times one of you can end up wanting something more than a frienship...

 

[latteda]

I have always enjoyed being around guys more than girls. Maybe it is because I have no men in my family and so the male sex fascinates me, I don't know. But things were much easier when I was younger. It was no big deal to go to the neighbor's house and spend countless hours playing Zorro, Cops and Robbers, Hot Wheels, or Barbies (yes, my little boy friends obliged me by playing Ken). But as an adult or teenager, things get more tricky. You become good friends with the opposite sex, and you have to constantly evaluate your relationship and deal with the gossip.

Gossip is an interesting thing. It can make or break a friendship. I can think of two instances in my friendships with men where gossip was spread about us and the two of us talked it out, cleared up misunderstandings, and were closer as a result of it. It sounds like that's happened with you two as well, and that's great. For me, in both of these cases, the gossip seemed really far-fetched. But nevertheless I had to face what was being said and that caused me to reevaluate where things stood in those relationships. I stepped back and took a look to see in what ways I might need to establish some better boundaries. In both of those cases, I made some changes in how I related to those men so that I didn't give the wrong impression. But at the same time I also had to face the reality that people were going to talk, no matter what I did. I talked to my guy friends about the gossip, and we both agreed to forget it and not let it tear our friendship apart. So I guess I would just say, don't base what you do on what others are saying or thinking, learn from the gossip and be open to it showing you areas where you need to change.

I think that boundaries are important in any friendship, especially one with the opposite sex. For me, I've found that honesty helps A LOT to keep things where they need to be. One of my friends in the past used to flirt with me and then turn around and call me his "sister in Christ," like the flirting didn't mean anything. It got to the point that we finally sat down and talked about our relationship, and I honestly told him that the way he was treating me was making things very difficult for me emotionally. I told him specific things he had done that made it seem like he liked me. He kept assuring me that it didn't mean anything. But I told him that if it didn't mean anything, I wasn't going to let him treat me that way. We agreed we wanted to still be friends, but I told him he was going to have to lay off some of the friendliness. One thing I told him had to change was our physical closeness.

And can I just be honest about the physical thing for a minute? I wouldn't say that hugging and stuff is wrong, but I think we should ask ourselves if it's THE BEST. Maybe I am just more turned on sexually than most people, but if I'm having a lot of physical involvement with a man that I am already great friends with, it's going to be hard for that not to affect me sexually. What I mean is, if I hug a man frequently, it makes me feel a lot differently than it does if I hug a girl. I mean, come on...seriously. There are times I will let one of my guy friends hug me, but it's not often. For me, it's too easy for me to trick myself in that area. I can say it's just a friendly sort of thing, like when I hug one of my girl friends, but if it turns me on, it's not a good idea.

Some people have said to me that it's impossible for a guy and girl to be good friends without it being more than that. And I would say that, although it's hard to keep it at a friendship level, it's not impossible. I have a very good friend right now that's a man and we are totally just friends. But keeping things at a friendship level isn't something that just happens. It requires a lot of prayer and hard work. One thing that is very helpful is that my friend and I verbalize our feelings a lot. We both love to be around each other and are grateful for each other's friendship. We talk on the phone and IM every day and hang out a lot. But we often (probably at least twice weekly) assure each other that we only see one another as friends. This guy likes another girl, and so I talk to him regularly about that and encourage him. We both continually express our desire for the other to find "that special someone" and pray for each other in this area. All of this keeps things obviously at a friendship level. We also have physical boundaries. It is very, very hard to feel like you're "just friends" if you have a lot of physical interaction going on. Why? Well, there's this little thing called sexuality. And really, who are we kidding? Like you said, it "feels gooooood." And honestly, if you are hugging a lot and stuff like that, obviously people are going to think something more is going on.

There's a book out called "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, I just picked it up yesterday and haven't read it yet.

Ah! Boundaries is an awesome book. Life-changing, to say the least.