Clingy friend at Church

[Michie]

There is this man at Church that I got to know that seems very holy & devoted to the Church. If you had one person to pick as the most devoted, it would surely be this guy.

Too many details to go into here but I'm starting to feel extremely uncomfortable around him & do not want to hurt his feelings but I'm feeling extremely stifled & pressured.

I took over for him as an EMHC for nursing homes, etc.

We became quick friends & I know he is alone, elderly, shack of a house & recently suffered a light stroke but fully recovered.

I drop off food to his house about once a week.

Anyway, he calls me constantly, tells me of his past sins which he says he can never pay for...(well, of course not! Jesus did it.)

Basically....wayyyy too much information.

He sends cards about twice a week, sent 3 dozen roses Valentines Day & is always dropping hints about things he would like to see me do in the Church.

I live 12 miles from Church & have other responsibilties.

He is friendly to both my husband & I but I'm feeling like he has some sort of unhealthy attraction to me & I don't like it.

He is 72 & old enough to be a Grandpa to me. I almost dread going to Church now. How can I cut this off without hurting him?

Lastnight he called again after I told him I had things to do & said he was praying & the Holy Spirit told him to call me & ask if I was under a lot of stress at home & how things with me & my Hubby were.

My answers- No & Fine.

He said 'ok' & hung up.

There is so much more I could say as far as disturbing details but you get the general idea.

I really hate this.

How can this be handled gracefully?

 

[Miss Shelby]

Oh wow. Well, I don't think you should feel guilty if you have to draw a boundry. His intentions may be pure, maybe he has some sort of crush on you or something, but in any event, if it's making you uncomfortable, you need to do something.

I think the way you ended the convo last night with 'no' and 'fine' is a good start. I know you don't want to be rude, but there is nothing wrong with being firm.

If he should continue to persist w/o getting the hint, tell him that your time is more constrained and you need to limit contact with him to something minimal. (but use a little more tact than that, I'm sure you're much better at it than I-- ) Which is true, a needy person can take up an enormous amount of someone's time, and with little benefit to either party.

Michelle

 

[Michie]

Hi Michelle-
I've basically done all that. He still calls a lot, sends cards. I told him I would no longer be going to early morning Mass because Hubby was not happy & my Dr. advised against it until I build my system back up again (bacterial infection from being run down).

He got weird about it & said something about enjoying sitting with me but all good things must come to an end.

About cried once when I dropped him off from Church & said something about his "feelings" and being younger. Which made me extremely uncomfortable.

Just a million & one things, comments on my hair, my dress, perfume. He ends conversations with 'I love you'.

I don't know what it is, maybe his age is throwing me off with his devotion to God....

I dunno.

I feel he is really getting overly attached.

He had surgery in the Hospital not to long ago & he called!!

It's just really strange & I feel guilty about feeling this way.

 

[Miss Shelby]

What does your husband think of all of this?

Maybe you could ask your priest? I don't know, I certainly don't envy your situation. That would be very hard. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Michelle

 

[Michie]

What does your husband think of all of this?

Maybe you could ask your priest? I don't know, I certainly don't envy your situation. That would be very hard. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Michelle

I thought about approaching my priest but my priest is pretty straightfoward. I don't think that would be a good option right now unless things get worse.

My husband thought he looked at me as a daughter he never had at first. But now he is thinking it might be more than that. But we are both at a loss because we don't want to hurt him.

Friendship is great but I have told him over & over that I'm pretty much a loner & keep myself busy.

I had another lady friend from Church tell me today he was talking to people about how sick I was & it was probably better they did not call. But he continued. I sent a Valentines card to some friends at Church & they were thanking me. (Christian cards). This one friend asked if he got one & he snapped, 'none of your business').

He acts jealous almost. And 3 dozen roses was over the top when he does not want to turn on the heat to heat his home so he can give more to charity & offer it up.

Ugh! I appreciate you listening. I've been carrying this around for awhile but lastnight kind of did me in.

Prayers would be appreciated.

 

[Miss Shelby]

Prayers would be appreciated.

You most defintley have that. And I agree, 3 dozen roses is overboard. My husband has never even sent me that many at once... LOL...

Poor guy. --

Michelle

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

Change your phone number....if this were any other man....wouldn't you feel this was totally inaapropriate?

If you feel uncomfortable- you owe it to him and you to just tell him no more...no matter what his age or situation....

Of course you want to set the boundaries with charity-- but I would make it something like...I cannot be with you unless my husband is with me (which isn't a bad rule for a gal to go by with any man). Sending a married woman 3 dozen roses is totally inappropriate.....

 

[WarriorAngel]

Michie...he loves you and needs your friendship.

I love elderly ppl, they have so much wisdom, and funny stories...I could listen for hours, and often do.

Peace to you that you feel at ease eventually.

Bless you.

 

[Ave Maria]

Wow that sounds like a sticky situation. Perhaps you could try to get him involved in some sort of community activities or something so he isn't so lonely? Maybe get him involved in the local seniors club or something?

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

I love elderly ppl, they have so much wisdom, and funny stories...I could listen for hours, and often do.



Bless you.[/size]

Yeah, unless the are mentally unbalanced and making you feel uncomfortable by totally overstepping boundaries....

 

[Michie]

Change your phone number....if this were any other man....wouldn't you feel this was totally inaapropriate?

If you feel uncomfortable- you owe it to him and you to just tell him no more...no matter what his age or situation....

Of course you want to set the boundaries with charity-- but I would make it something like...I cannot be with you unless my husband is with me (which isn't a bad rule for a gal to go by with any man). Sending a married woman 3 dozen roses is totally inappropriate.....

Shannon-
I think so too but he gets around it by addressing it to both of us. Sending me home with a small box of candy for my husband.

You are correct, if this was anybody else I would had been hollering. But the problem is that it was very normal in the beginning & he just keeps stepping it up. It was not like this at all before.

I know your right. Just got to figure out how to do it without it turning into something horrible.

 

[parisiansky]

Definately pray about this, which I am sure you are. I agree that he has over stepped his boundries. Instincts on things like this are good to follow, and if you feel uncomfortable you probably have a reason for it.

 

[Michie]

You most defintley have that. And I agree, 3 dozen roses is overboard. My husband has never even sent me that many at once... LOL...

Poor guy. --

Michelle

I know, I feel bad for him. I'm wondering if he has his wits about him actually. HS asking him to ask me...yeah right.

 

[Michie]

Shannon-
I shouldn't have to change my number. I already have an unlisted. Also, I'm on the EMHC list, we go to the same Church. I'm just going to have to toughen up I guess.

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

I think so too but he gets around it by addressing it to both of us. Sending me home with a small box of candy for my husband.

You are correct, if this was anybody else I would had been hollering. But the problem is that it was very normal in the beginning & he just keeps stepping it up. It was not like this at all before.

I know your right. Just got to figure out how to do it without it turning into something horrible.

Just tell him not to send you anything, and if he insists send it right back...

I have a long history with men who seemed normal and then turned out to beat the crap out of me if I looked at anyone for a nanosecond too long....

Think of his eternity- you are being a near occasion of sin for him to commit adultery...having him not like you is less important than his eternal well being. Also it isn't like he's happy right now with how things are....so making a break might make him unhappy for awhile, but he is unhappy right now anyway.

You are not doing him a favor by allowing this to go on.....I know it's hard because he is a vulnerable individual...but we should never, ever, ever feel guilty about setting reasonable boundaries....

 

[Michie]

Definately pray about this, which I am sure you are. I agree that he has over stepped his boundries. Instincts on things like this are good to follow, and if you feel uncomfortable you probably have a reason for it.

Thank you. No phone call yet. Hopefully Michelle is correct & lastnight did it. Still prayers for all concerned would be deeply appreciated.

 

[Michie]

Just tell him not to send you anything, and if he insists send it right back...

I have a long history with men who seemed normal and then turned out to beat the crap out of me if I looked at anyone for a nanosecond too long....

Think of his eternity- you are being a near occasion of sin for him to commit adultery...having him not like you is less important than his eternal well being. Also it isn't like he's happy right now with how things are....so making a break might make him unhappy for awhile, but he is unhappy right now anyway.

You are not doing him a favor by allowing this to go on.....I know it's hard because he is a vulnerable individual...but we should never, ever, ever feel guilty about setting reasonable boundaries....

I agree Shannon. Problem is, it was all perfectly normal in the beginning & all this started happening before I knew what hit me.

I think that I need to say something about feeling uncomfortable, not appropriate...etc. Now, just how to word it without making Church about this situation & dreading it. I'd like to be able to do it with no grudges on his part & no resentment on mine. Which BTW- I'm already feeling.

 

[HisKid1973]

Wow sis, that seems a little more extreme than just a lonely older gent.. Sounds like he might have a hormone or two working...My wife has to be careful around a gentleman at work(nurseing home)because of issues like this.. I would sorta keep a little distance for now and not be around him alone. It's one thing to give a nice comment, but the roses and such are pushing it...It's hard to reach out in the name of Christ sometimes without it being misuhderstood..This verse came to my mind for you..Hebrews 6:10 For God is not unrighteous to forget your work and labour of love, which ye have shewed toward his name, in that ye have ministered to the saints, and do minister. Great blessings to you in your walk with Jesus..pax..kim

 

[Michie]

Wow sis, that seems a little more extreme than just a lonely older gent.. Sounds like he might have a hormone or two working...My wife has to be careful around a gentleman at work(nurseing home)because of issues like this.. I would sorta keep a little distance for now and not be around him alone. It's one thing to give a nice comment, but the roses and such are pushing it...It's hard to reach out in the name of Christ sometimes without it being misuhderstood..This verse came to my mind for you..Hebrews 6:10 For God is not unrighteous to forget your work and labour of love, which ye have shewed toward his name, in that ye have ministered to the saints, and do minister. Great blessings to you in your walk with Jesus..pax..kim

Hi Kim-
I've told him over & over how blessed my Hubby & I are in our marriage. What a blessing my husband is. That's why lastnights questions really irked me. Supposedly the roses & cards are a thank you for all we do for him with the food, etc. Still... it just does not feel right. I told him it was no biggie.

And thank you for the Scripture, hits the spot right about now.

Just feels good to know I'm not being 'a you know what' in this because I was wondering.

 

[Michie]

Getting this off me for a sec.

Anybody else have this type of experience in Church before with overly clingy people?

Does not have to be anyone of the opposite sex.

If so, how'd you handle it?