Clinginess

[madison1101]

As much as I may be recovered, I still suffer from clinginess, and it is really upsetting when I realize I have slipped back into it.

My son is coming to town tomorrow to help his dad move into his new home. (Dad has been remarried for 2 years.) Son refuses to stay at my place, but prefers to stay at Dad's Mom's.

I feel rejected, and don't understand why I can't let it go. I reminded son of all the money I have spent in recent years supporting him through college, etc.

That is old behavior, and I am so upset with myself.

Please, tell me when do I fully get rid of it? I really hate when I lapse back into the patterns.

Trish

 

[mon_cherri_flower]

my heart feels for your struggle.

 

[WhoeverLovesGod01]

I don't think you are being "clingy." I think your son is being unreasonable.

 

[SobriaInebrietas]

As much as I may be recovered, I still suffer from clinginess, and it is really upsetting when I realize I have slipped back into it.

My son is coming to town tomorrow to help his dad move into his new home. (Dad has been remarried for 2 years.) Son refuses to stay at my place, but prefers to stay at Dad's Mom's.

I feel rejected, and don't understand why I can't let it go. I reminded son of all the money I have spent in recent years supporting him through college, etc.

That is old behavior, and I am so upset with myself.

Please, tell me when do I fully get rid of it? I really hate when I lapse back into the patterns.

Trish

It's okay to feel attatched to your son, and disappointed that he would prefer to stay somewhere else, but you don't have to let it upset you too much. Not every negative emotion is a BPD symptom, it is normal to feel disappointed and even clingy to your own children (after all, you gave birth to them!). And sometimes people let us down. That is a fact of life. The only time it becomes a BPD symptom is when you let it take control over you, and you take it to the extreme and obsess over it.

Have you talked to your son about it? Has he given you any reasons why he doesn't want to stay at your place?

I hope you can stop feeling upset with yourself. It isn't your fault. All you can do is try to deal with it better. Have you prayed about it?

Erin

 

[madison1101]

It's okay to feel attatched to your son, and disappointed that he would prefer to stay somewhere else, but you don't have to let it upset you too much. Not every negative emotion is a BPD symptom, it is normal to feel disappointed and even clingy to your own children (after all, you gave birth to them!). And sometimes people let us down. That is a fact of life. The only time it becomes a BPD symptom is when you let it take control over you, and you take it to the extreme and obsess over it.

Have you talked to your son about it? Has he given you any reasons why he doesn't want to stay at your place?

I hope you can stop feeling upset with yourself. It isn't your fault. All you can do is try to deal with it better. Have you prayed about it?

Erin

You are right. My feelings were not BPD. The things I said to my son about the problem were more BPD. I tried to use guilt to make him stay with me at that time.

In discussing this with my son, he shared that he needed to stay with his grandmother because of a need for boundaries with me. While my kids have forgiven me for the things I did when they were younger, they need their space in their young adult lives when they come to visit me. Since their father and grandmother live nearby, they find it easier to stay at either of their places.

It hurts, it sucks, but that is how it is for now.

Thank,
trish

 

[SobriaInebrietas]

You are right. My feelings were not BPD. The things I said to my son about the problem were more BPD. I tried to use guilt to make him stay with me at that time.

In discussing this with my son, he shared that he needed to stay with his grandmother because of a need for boundaries with me. While my kids have forgiven me for the things I did when they were younger, they need their space in their young adult lives when they come to visit me. Since their father and grandmother live nearby, they find it easier to stay at either of their places.

It hurts, it sucks, but that is how it is for now.

Thank,
trish

Ahhh. I see what you mean. Well, at least you were able to talk to your son and he was able to be honest with you. I am sure that is a good step in the right direction.

I know it sucks having to rebuild trust with people after you have hurt them. It's so easy to feel really guilty and be down on yourself about it. It just takes some people more time to heal than others.

I'm sorry it hurts for you. I am going to pray for you and your son. I hope things are getting better for you. God bless you.



Erin

 

[Romanseight2005]

Could you just plain be lonely? Do you have godly female friends who are supportive? Right now would be a good time to seek others, and draw near to God. I know that may sound a little simplified for what you are feeling, and I am sorry if it does. But, it really would help you.

 

[madison1101]

Could you just plain be lonely? Do you have godly female friends who are supportive? Right now would be a good time to seek others, and draw near to God. I know that may sound a little simplified for what you are feeling, and I am sorry if it does. But, it really would help you.

Thank you. Yes, part of my problem is extreme loneliness. I do have friends, and family, but there are times when I just feel awful that I was an obedient wife, I repented and stopped my borderline behaviors, and my husband still left me and I am alone. He is married, and traveling with his wife. Each of my kids is happy and in love, and I sit alone with two cats every night. At the end of the day, I go to bed alone.

Sorry, just feeling sorry for myself.

Trish

 

[Romanseight2005]

I am sorry. Just remember that Jesus is your husband now. He could still bring someone to you in the form of a husband. But even if He doesn't, ask Him to provide more closeness and intimacy with the friends you have, or bring new friends to you. Also, I'm not sure how much time you have, but maybe you could volunteer at a school, or hospital? Ask the Lord to lead you to a place of service, that will be fullfilling for you, and where you can interact and sometimes even get close to people.

My heart goes out to you.

Lord,
I pray that You would give this dear lady an overwhelming sense of Your presence. Help her to see You as her husband, please comfort her, and fill her with such a peace that others are drawn to her. Let the fruit of Your Holy Spirit flow freely from her, and help her to glorify You with her thoughts and actions. In Jesus Christ's Name, Amen!

 

[madison1101]

I am sorry. Just remember that Jesus is your husband now. He could still bring someone to you in the form of a husband. But even if He doesn't, ask Him to provide more closeness and intimacy with the friends you have, or bring new friends to you. Also, I'm not sure how much time you have, but maybe you could volunteer at a school, or hospital? Ask the Lord to lead you to a place of service, that will be fullfilling for you, and where you can interact and sometimes even get close to people.

My heart goes out to you.

Lord,
I pray that You would give this dear lady an overwhelming sense of Your presence. Help her to see You as her husband, please comfort her, and fill her with such a peace that others are drawn to her. Let the fruit of Your Holy Spirit flow freely from her, and help her to glorify You with her thoughts and actions. In Jesus Christ's Name, Amen!

Thanks. The Lord has allowed me to go back to graduate school, earn a Masters in Social Work, pass a licensing exam and get a part time job at a psychiatric hospital ministering to the mentally ill and addicted. This is in addition to my full time teaching job. I also work part time at an agency with the severely mentally ill with addictions. I believe this is my calling, or ministry. My ex was totally opposed to this for my career and made me get a teaching degree. I am now waiting for a social work opening with my school district so I can minister to the families and kids in the Headstart program in the inner city where I work.

I do see the Lord as my husband. I just wander too often and get full of self-pity.

Hugs,
Trish