Church question

[Cute Tink]

As you can tell from my profile, I am not religious.

However, I have 5 kids and one of them seems to be a believer and may want to go to church. She is 10. She hasn't asked, but she asks random questions which I do my best to answer. I have read some of the Bible and do my best to give her the best answer that I can. I have never told her that I don't believe, as I don't feel it is right for me to influence whether she wants to believe in a god or not. I have a feeling she may copy my belief without thinking about what is right for her. I decided before her birth that I would not be forcing my beliefs on my children.

My question boils down to this: Do churches require parents to attend a church for a child to attend? I really have no interest in sitting through church services so that she can, but I wonder if it is rude to ask that of a church. I wouldn't leave her at the premises as some form of babysitting.

Also, how does one go about choosing a church that would be right for one's child?

I am not looking for a debate about whether I should be influencing her belief or not, just looking to see what the general opinion of Christians on the subject.

FYI, I am pretty sure that she has picked up her beliefs from her grandmother up to this point. There are religious family members, but the ones locally don't actively attend church.

 

[airest]

Hi #1 Nonbeliever

I commend you on allowing your children to choose for themselves what is right or wrong for them when it comes to believing in GOD or not. In my area there are churches that pick up children to attend church and the parents do not have to attend or be members of that church. Hopefully you can find one in your area also. If there is anyone you know going to church they may be able to help you figure out what church would be a good one for your daughter to visit. I am not familiar with the details of different denominations, for me, it's more about my personal relationship with GOD and Jesus Christ but I have been comfortable in Assembly of God and Baptist churches.

 

[airest]

I am interested and how everything goes with your daughter if you find a church for her to visit and what she may think about it. Please keep me posted. Thanks.
GOD Bless

 

[A_maize]

Hmm, I think its best to talk to the pastors of the churches you're looking into. The reason being, some churches are very large, and a child could 'disappear' into the crowd. Or some others might worry that there is a child unsupervised and alone. Maybe the church is small enough that you wouldn't have to worry about that.

Also, if your child is left alone, would she be well behaved during the sermon? And right after the sermon, when folks are leaving or saying hello to others, would she be OK amidst the commotion(though I'm pretty sure you will be there to pick her up)? Our church is right next to a street, so I'd feel nervous if there was a child running around without a guardian. Some churches perhaps have a youth group ministry, like Sunday school where you can drop off your child, and pick her up later. I see some parents do this, and even if they don't attend they always come to the parent-teaching meetings, and readily pick up the phone if there is some mischief.

But in any case, I think any pastor would be happy to help you in that regard, since you are so upfront and honest. I don't think they will require you to attend, but they may ask some good questions about her safety and care during and after the service. Plus, the pastor would probably explain your daughters situation to the staff, and they will be more ready if she indeed attends, though I'm not sure if every church has the resources to do that.

As for choosing a church, perhaps a more family-oriented church, or a church that has a good youth group ministry capable of keeping an eye on your child during the sermon would be the best for your child?

 

[Cute Tink]

I think that a place with services geared toward children, rather than having them all in one large group would be all I would look into. I would not feel comfortable with her being in a large group comprised of adults and children together without me sitting with her.

She is a very social child, but she is well behaved, if a bit chatty. No doubt she would have lots of questions for the first few visits at least.

I would be willing to stay on the premises if necessary, so that isn't really an issue.

Good questions though. I can definitely see how the clarification can help.

 

[Hentenza]

Tread moved to Exploring Christianity from Christian advice.

 

[Sketcher]

Well, the old fashioned way to take care of that is for the child to go to church with a believing friend, with her parents being responsible for both their kids and yours.

That usually works, but what my church does for the sake of safety makes it a bit more confusing. It's a big church, and so there's a check in/check out system with tags pairing the children to their parents. I don't have kids myself, so I don't know the ins and the outs of it. And I would be surprised if there wasn't some way to accommodate guest children whose parents don't attend, as long as it is made sure that the kids leave with who they came with.

 

[sb81]

I admire your approach and letting your daughter make her own decision instead of pushing your own beliefs on her!

All I can really say is that when I was a child I use to go to Church by myself. Although it was over twenty years ago, so times have obviously changed some.

I would suggest going a couple times and letting the pastor and church family know your situation so you can get to know them and know what your daughter will be exposed to. After that I'm sure you will find that they will gladly welcome your daughter and someone may even offer to do pick ups and drop offs for you.

Best of luck!

 

[ebia]

As you can tell from my profile, I am not religious.

However, I have 5 kids and one of them seems to be a believer and may want to go to church. She is 10. She hasn't asked, but she asks random questions which I do my best to answer. I have read some of the Bible and do my best to give her the best answer that I can. I have never told her that I don't believe, as I don't feel it is right for me to influence whether she wants to believe in a god or not. I have a feeling she may copy my belief without thinking about what is right for her. I decided before her birth that I would not be forcing my beliefs on my children.

My question boils down to this: Do churches require parents to attend a church for a child to attend? I really have no interest in sitting through church services so that she can, but I wonder if it is rude to ask that of a church. I wouldn't leave her at the premises as some form of babysitting.

Also, how does one go about choosing a church that would be right for one's child?

I am not looking for a debate about whether I should be influencing her belief or not, just looking to see what the general opinion of Christians on the subject.

FYI, I am pretty sure that she has picked up her beliefs from her grandmother up to this point. There are religious family members, but the ones locally don't actively attend church.

If there isn't a friend or family member happy to take her I would encourage you to speak to the pastor/minister/priest to make sure they are able to cope with it - churches aren't generally well set-up to act in loco-parentis.

Either way, look for a church that already has some similar aged children and offers something for them. A smaller church is probably more flexilbe and community oriented than a mega-church.

 

[ellie'sforjesus]

I commend you for letting you child choose for herself. My husband and I were in this situation too, and the church he liked was far away. Just like you, I thought I will never deny my child church if that's what he wants. Well low and behold through this I became a believer, but that's a whole nother story. I like the Assemblies of God kids programs, they seem to really love kids and where they are going. They teach them to love everyone and be proud of who they are. Find your child a church and talk with the youth pastor about how things work. My childs church the kids were seperate and we could drop them off and pick them up when it was over. They had great security over them. I never worried once. Once you walk her in you will get the feeling if it is secure or not.

 

[Cute Tink]

Thanks for the opinions and direction. I was mostly worried that I would be rude to approach a church in this manner, but it seems pretty clear that it isn't the case. I will look around for a suitable church for my daughter if she wants to attend. Thank you.

 

[silence_dogood]

As you can tell from my profile, I am not religious.

However, I have 5 kids and one of them seems to be a believer and may want to go to church. She is 10. She hasn't asked, but she asks random questions which I do my best to answer. I have read some of the Bible and do my best to give her the best answer that I can. I have never told her that I don't believe, as I don't feel it is right for me to influence whether she wants to believe in a god or not. I have a feeling she may copy my belief without thinking about what is right for her. I decided before her birth that I would not be forcing my beliefs on my children.

My question boils down to this: Do churches require parents to attend a church for a child to attend? I really have no interest in sitting through church services so that she can, but I wonder if it is rude to ask that of a church. I wouldn't leave her at the premises as some form of babysitting.

Also, how does one go about choosing a church that would be right for one's child?

It's almost always fine for children to attend a church without their parents but if you're not going to go with her, then I would strongly suggest that you speak with the pastor of whatever church you choose and ask him to recommend an older, Godly woman to be there for your child to explain things to her that a ten year old may find confusing.

I would also ask that you try to understand what the church is and is not. While we love to welcome visitors, non-Christian visitors sometimes feel a little left out because church is for the body of Christ and they're still visitors. It's kind of like visiting somebody else's family reunion where you don't know anybody. You might find the stories about how wonderful grandpa was to be heartwarming, they're really not going to mean the same thing to you because you don't know grandpa.

Know what I mean, Vern?

A lot of people have an idea that church is about hearing a good moral lesson or listening to uplifting music and, while those things do occur there, they're not what the heart of a worship service is all about.

If you're sending her to church because it's "good for her", then I guess going is better than not going, but it's not really the point. If you're sending her because she's showing an interest in Christianity and wants to learn more, I'm not sure that dropping a ten year old off in a church service is the best way to go about that. You're probably much better off giving the pastor a call and sitting down with him to answer her questions one on one.

Most churches have Sunday School classes just for children but these days, she's really not going to get a good idea of what Christianity is all about because most of them are geared more toward teaching children good moral lessons than presenting the Gospel to them or catechising them (an idea that has been all but lost in modern Evangelicalism).

When looking for a good church, there are several questions I would ask the pastor:

1 - What is Man's Biggest Problem, Sin or Self Esteem?


Seeker Sensitive and Felt-Needs Churches focus on man’s hurts and problems. The Bible says
that man’s biggest problem is Sin.


2 - What Must A Man Do to Inherit Eternal Life?

Repent and trust is the Biblical answer. If the word “repent” is never used, say, “Thank you.”
​

3 - How Do You Deliver The Salvation Message?


Ask the Pastor to describe specifically what he says. Does he encourage people to simply say a Prayer? Does he tell people to ask Jesus into their Hearts?
The Salvation message should include: God’s Holiness, Man’s Sinfulness, God’s Response (Hell), God’s Kindness (Jesus on a Cross), Man’s Response (Repentance & Faith)

4 - How Hard Is It To Become A Christian?


The “Formula” is simple, doing it is not. It is not easy to believe and our sin nature makes it very hard to repent.


5 - How Often Do You Talk About Sin, Righteousness and Judgment?


Balance is key. This should not be the only emphasis, but it should be a regular emphasis.

6 - How Seeker Sensitive is Your Church?


It is O.K. for a Church to be “Seeker Aware” but Seeker Sensitive means that they lean toward Seekers and Not the Saved.

7 - Who Do You Do Church for, Seekers or Members?


“Both” is Not acceptable. Church should be done for Members and the Unsaved are welcome to attend.

8 - Do You Dumb Down Your Sermons?
If he says yes, he is probably not trying to wean his members from milk to meat. Answers like, “We try to make our sermons accessible to everyone” are sermons that are not meaty.

9 - What Is Your Mixture of Topical vs Expository Preaching?


Topical preaching is fine, but if a pastor never or rarely Preaches Expositionally (verse by verse), then you are going to be learning from the pastor and not God’s Word.


10 - Do Your Sermons Emphasize Theology or Are They Just Relevant?


Everyone should say their sermons are relevant, what you are looking for is if they teach theology.

11 - Describe Your Youth Programs


If fun and games is the major (and usually first) emphasis, you have a Youth Program that is trying to compete with MTV.

12 - Describe Your Evangelism Programs


Don’t just accept, “We have an Evangelism committee.” Dig. Are they serious about saving souls?

13 - What Church Growth Model Do You Follow?


Hopefully they don’t have one. Churches should be reaching out to the lost, but churches that are plugged into new church growth models tend to follow man’s modern ideas rather than the Bible.

14 - How Much Do You Give To Missions and The Hungry?


Again, this reveals the heart of the Church. While most Churches give to Missions, many never consider the Poor.

15 - Do You Believe The Bible Contains No Errors or Contradictions?


No equivocation allowed here.



16 - Do You Believe in a Literal 6 Day Creation?


Jesus did (Matt 19:4).

17 - Do You Believe In a Literal Hell and Eternal Punishment?


Jesus did (Matt 25).

19 - When You Distribute The Lord's Supper, Do You Emphasize The Need To Examine Yourself?


Paul did (I Cor 11:27-32)

20 - Can A Person Who Is Living in a Persistent Lifestyle Of Sin Inherit Eternal Life?


Sinners can certainly be Forgiven, but Practicing Sinners cannot inherit Eternal Life (I John3:8-9).

21 - Does Your Church Exercise Church Discipline?


Paul said we should (I Cor 5).

22 - Do Sunday School Teachers, Nursery, and Youth Volunteers Fill Out an Application To Answer Questions about Their Core Beliefs and Salvation, or Are All Volunteers Accepted Because of a Lack Of Volunteers?



23 - What Are The Essentials of the Faith?


Father, Son, Holy Spirit, Salvation through Faith alone, the inerrancy of Scripture.

24 - Do You Have a Cross In Your Sanctuary?


Many remove it because they fear it will turn off Seekers. They should Glory in the Cross.

 

[Celticflower]

A lot of people have said to talk to the pastor, but a better idea might be to talk with the Children's Pastor or the head of Children's education dept. They often know more about the children and families in the church and may be able to "match" your child with a suitable guardian/mentor during the church services.

I applaud your stance on letting your children decided what to believe and about working to find ways to let them explore the paths of faith around them. No matter what decisions they make about beliefs, they will be stronger people for the journey you are letting them make.

 

[lucaspa]

She is 10. ... My question boils down to this: Do churches require parents to attend a church for a child to attend? I really have no interest in sitting through church services so that she can, but I wonder if it is rude to ask that of a church.

At 10, yes, you will have to sit thru the service with her. I can't think of a church that would not notice a 10 year old sitting in the pew by herself.

Sorry Dad, but this is not going to be the last time you do something that you have "no interest in" for your kids. Get used to it. You've got dance recitals, perhaps cheerleading, sports, maybe marching band, etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum. Suck it up.

Also, how does one go about choosing a church that would be right for one's child?

Whew! That's a toughie. My personal advice is to pick a pretty "liberal" church. That way your daughter will get some of her answers about God and Christ in a very general way, without too much pressure. Later, when she is 18 and older, she can pick a more evangelical or conservative church if she so chooses.

Yes, I am biased but I think a United Methodist Church, a Presbyterian Church USA, or a Congregational Church would be a good place to start.

 

[Cute Tink]

At 10, yes, you will have to sit thru the service with her. I can't think of a church that would not notice a 10 year old sitting in the pew by herself.

Sorry Dad, but this is not going to be the last time you do something that you have "no interest in" for your kids. Get used to it. You've got dance recitals, perhaps cheerleading, sports, maybe marching band, etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum. Suck it up.

Actually I have no problem sitting through the rest of those.

As to the rest of your post, that's why I specifically stated in my clarification that I would not be comfortable with her sitting in the general adult/child group, but would seek out a church with a child-oriented portion where she wouldn't be sitting with adult strangers.

 

[silence_dogood]

hey you. churches have what they call sunday school. it usually takes place in another part of the church while the adults attend services in the sanctuary.. sunday school is awesome. they colour biblical pictures and they . they keep it very light for the children. sometimes there's a snack, and prizes. everyone gets a prize.. i loved sunday school.

I have a real issue with that for two reasons. The first is that we don't believe in our church that children are to be segregated from the body during worship, that they should also hear the preaching and teaching of God's word and be allowed to be a part of the worship service.

The second is that "keeping it light and coloring pictures" is day care, not church. I think it's a huge mistake to assume that children can't handle hard things.

 

[ebia]

This is not the place for debating different approaches to children's ministry taken by different congregations.

By all means explain what your congregation does and why, but leave it at that.

If you want to discuss the point further take it to an appropriate forum.

 

[Cute Tink]

One of my good friends attends a church. I think my best option will be to talk to her and see if she is willing to take my little one with her. Thanks for all of your help and information.

 

[Celticflower]

One of my good friends attends a church. I think my best option will be to talk to her and see if she is willing to take my little one with her. Thanks for all of your help and information.

This sounds like an excellent plan! Best of luck to you all!