Christian 'Perfectionism'

[dms1972]

I know this forum is not about theoretic issues, but I need to mention some issues in regard to theologies that I think affect me and my christian life.

Early in my life, and even as a child I was seeking anxiously in spiritual matters, on one hand I had an anxious concern about my infant baptism, and sought reassurance that there was a record that I had been baptised as a baby. On the other I was seeking into various writters on subjects about faith that were somewhat beyond my level as a child - I do believe I got into Oswald Chambers at an early age - I almost read sections of his writing like his devotional was the Bible - and of course Chambers if you have read him doesn't dilly dally a lot on merely academic theological issues. My Dad who I believe thought of himself of as calvinist (but he wasn't very theologically inclined - and may have only knew a few of the rudiments of calvinism) was presbyterian but he was in missionary work and had been involved even before that with a movement known as the Faith Mission in the UK for a few years, before he joined a local city mission organisation and served out of Mission Halls in various parts of our city in full-time missionary work for about 35 years - till he died (he never retired - he died three years after he was due to retire on the first day of his summer break).

Well my dad also would go to some conventions he'd sometimes attend Keswick (Higher-life) conventions. I used to also go with him to Easter Monday conventions - these were run by the Faith Mission (all organisations I mention are UK based christian movements and organisations) - I recall enjoying these as far as the singing was concerned and even felt a little built up spiritually as a child during them - I had more or less implicit faith in those days. I regressed a bit in the years following that had some sort of awakening again around the age of ten - but it seemed like an opportunity came and went. From then on I just sought to pray and take my life as best I could into conversation with God as I understood him then. I began later to study the Bible a bit more and that is mainly the way I have been now for years - Prayer, the Bible and christian books (and some christian music)

Well to get to the point for years I have suffered from Anxiety and Depression - its affected my work life and I haven't had regular work for a while. I have a mental health assessment coming up a month from now (its going to be via telephone because of COVID restrictions)

I read Oswald Chambers from time to time but to be honest I don't know if his writings are helping me - they seem in places to be talking about a level of spiritual growth that has eluded me, or that I have never been sure I had reached. No one I have spoken to ever knew what Chambers theology was - but in more recent years it seems to me to be pretty much overlapping with Wesleyian Holiness teaching, though it probably diverges from that in places and bears an imprint of his own reflections on the Bible. The Wesleyian element seems more obvious in his talking at times about a second work of grace.

I am worried at the moment I have wasted spiritual capital.

I think part of my insecurity is lack of a secure base in early life - I never knew any of my grandparents - my two material grandparents had died long before I was born - my mother was herself an orphan - living with different families - my dad's father was died before I was born - I have no recollection of my paternal grandmother. My dad was a source of security somewhat, but he was never in great health - and he died of a heart attack when I was ten.

I feel I should be making more progress in life - but I also feel I am running low on inner resources - I had a bad breakdown a couple of decades ago and have never really been the same since. I guard myself from others problems and demands - because I used to try and get involved and help and became enmeshed and came off worse. Honestly I just think you have to leave people to sort out their own issues sometimes, unless they seem genuinely interested in getting their issues sorted, and even then - it starts with them and remains their responsibility. For the rest I support several charities financially. I probably am not always the most caring, sympathetic or empathetic person at times. I busted myself trying to give out and for years now I feel the need to protect myself. Professional helpers are in a better position to get to a person's real problems.

I never feel I measure up to Oswald Chambers spiritual standards and it causes me massive anxiety sometimes.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Hey, my brother. I finally got to read a little of Oswald Chamers’ work after hearing other Christians praise him immensely for years.

My takeaway impression, was that Chambers was basically scolding the reader for not being holy, energetic, enthusiastic, cheerful, or engaged enough, as though a Christian had to be continually hopped up emotionally to be any kind of Christian at all. I put the book down feeling a little guilty and dizzy, and didn’t pick it up again.

I didn’t find it helpful, enriching, or encouraging. One part actually scolded the reader for feeling physically exhausted after days of missionary meetings. Well, who wouldn’t be tired?

Maybe, find some Christian writing that is a little less intense, and frantic? I picked up Terese of Lisieux’s “Story of a Soul”, and found it much more comforting. You may find other writings and Christian thinkers more comforting and helpful than Chambers, too. Maybe he inspires some people but just not others, and that’s ok.

Just follow Christ. Keep it simple. Many, many generations of theologians have tried to explain a great Mystery, and some of their ideas and conclusions may cause souls more harm than good. Pray, read your Bible, follow Christ, hope in Him, rely on Him, love others, repent of sin daily, and keep going. He loves you, and is carrying you. Don’t forget that, too.

 

[dms1972]

Whether he was teaching "christian perfectionism" I don't know, and it seems churlish to criticise someone of his spiritual standing - I just don't think some of his more terse comments are always helpful for people who maybe have more complex psychological issues because they can misunderstand what he is saying - his style is pithy, and what he says may be helpful at times but I think I find it difficult to be sure I have understood him in some places. Devotional writings can be good at some times in your life and not so good at other times.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Devotional writings can be good at some times in your life and not so good at other times.

This is very true.

 

[dms1972]

Leaving aside Chambers (who I don't want to wrongly criticise) and I think he is for someone with a ministry.

My struggle at the moment is I have been out of work for a while because of depression and anxiety and I am not sure how to get back into work. I worked unpaid voluntary for three years before the restrictions came in. I try to be useful with my time but got into a funk for a while and I am not sure if I am ready or even sure what direction to look in work wise. It has been really difficult to get the right medications, and of the two meds I am on, my doctor is now saying she doesn't like me being on one of them so long - I objected that I needed something and she has arranged that I could have a mental health assessment which is done by phone, that is something I will get next month.

There are over a dozen medications related to my condition yet I have only been ever tried on two, in twenty years and then it was nearly twenty years from my breakdown that I was offered a supplimentary medication. It is this that they are talking about now as I have been on it for three years or so. I questioned it three times within the first year about how long I should request a repeat, but they left me for nearly two years before asking again about how I was getting on - and that only because I contacted the doctor. They ask me next to nothing of relevance about my daily life - for instance my level of personal care, how I cope - they haven't asked me about that in any detail in five years - I usually volunteer the info, but they rarely ask about anything more than I tell them myself.

So I am wondering if I should wait until I have this mental health check in November, and make use of the time to get better ready for some work if I should find something suitable after that.

I'd really like to be on the right medications if I am not (one or two I know from experience are not right for me) - I suppose God could supervene even and change my medication to sometime better suited simply by them offering me something different?

 

[Tempura]

I'm one with quite a bit of history with depression and anxiety. And yes, fear is that grand motivator behind most things I feel. If there's something fear and worry can turn against me, even good things, they absolutely will. Endless self-examination, fearful one at that, is one of the "symptoms". It's hard to let go, because we think we are what we feel. If we don't think that, then we think we are what we do or don't do. in either case, if fear rules over us, it can take either one of those assumptions and make us pummel ourselves into the dirt with them.

Sometimes I want to take someone else's faith for my own. I'm not saying people shouldn't read, not at all, but sometimes I'm looking for answers from people in a way that's probably not good. Sometimes it's Luther, sometimes Spurgeon, sometimes someone else. After all there's quite a bit of Christian literature in existence. But if I'm to put a human being on a pedestal like that, I'm going to get disappointed. I'm going to find out that in my soul, I can't agree with everything some great man of faith said and believed. I'm going to find out they were sinners too. I can't adopt someone's faith. I can agree with someone to the point where I can say that perhaps I belong to a certain denomination, but in the end I will have to carry my own faith. I can find strength, unity and comfort from other Christians, including the ones we hold in great admiration, but I must remember they were still humans.

It's quite a thing to yearn after a perfect faith, when my heart is so imperfect. My love fails, my knowledge fails, my faith can be weak. But the more I know I'm weak, faulty and imperfect, the more I'm willing to let God be God. There is peace in that, allowing God to be God, instead of trying to perfect ourselves in order to earn God's favor. And I say this, fully knowing that tomorrow I might be riddled with guilt and shame once again. But I let the feelings come, and I must let them go. My feelings are not God. He is higher. There is confusion in my feelings, but God is not and cannot be confused by any of it. I must always remind myself that He is higher than I am, and that I shouldn't perceive Him only through my twisted, dirty lens made out of fear and anxiety. Anxiety can easily blind us with its awful tunnel-vision.

I always comfort myself with how Jesus told us to be like children. He surrounded Himself with simple people. I really don't think He demands us to endlessly, fearfully, run through a labyrinth of knowledge and interpretation while He's throwing us curve balls He knows we can't handle. His yoke is supposed to be light.

But love never fails, and it's the greatest one of the great three. And if my love fails, which it will, I can take comfort in God's love, which is greater than any love I can muster, and which will not fail. No matter if I feel it strongly, lightly, or not at all. God be with you.