Christian Dating#5: Had sex before marriage.

[CCHIPSS]

I made a thread earlier on the topic of Christian dating. Many users correctly point out to me that post was way too long. So I am breaking it down piece by piece for discussions.

Original post here:
http://www.christianforums.com/t7831915/

For Christians that have problems dating another Christian, there are generally 4 types:

1) Couldn’t find a Christian date
2) Bad dates (disappointing Christian dates)
3) Had sex before marriage.
4) Divorced

This post is about the third type: Christians who had sex before marriage. This includes those born-again Christians who didn't believe beforehand.

(Most of the online discussions was about non-virgin women marrying virgin men. The opposite is probably true, but rarely discussed online.)

Results: lost their virginity before marriage (limits their future Christian dating option), some ends up lying about their past at the start of a relationship (and reveal this later.)

View: Many women view Christian men as judgmental of their “bad and evil” past (examples like Rahab->Jesus was brought up).

Many men believe that while the sins of these Christian women are forgiven, the consequences cannot (and should not) be avoided. Christian men should have the right to reject non-virgin females as wives. God never said temporal consequences of sins are forgotten/erased as much as the eternal ones. In fact saying so would be non-biblical. Rahab was an exception.

(Generalization of feminism in churches and media: Female non-virgins=>victims unwillingly used by men. Male non-virgins=>purely evil and sinful. Some men feel they are being treated unfairly by the Christian culture.)

Some young men complained that non-virgin Christian women would try to “temp” the young Christian men into having sex with them before marriage. These women seem to be using their own guilt as a basis for further sin and leading Christian men astray.

Women say many men do the same thing, respectively.

Lying is very common on this subject. Many Christians would lie about their past, only to reveal it later.

So the question for discussion here: Do you prefer to marry a Christian who is virgin? How important is this to you? With that in mind, do you think a Christian being a non-virgin will affect his/her chances of finding a Christian spouse?

 

[Lord Of The Forest]

(examples like Rehab->Jesus was brought up).

I'm sure you must mean RAHAB:

 

[E.C.]

So the question for discussion here: Do you prefer to marry a Christian who is virgin? How important is this to you? With that in mind, do you think a Christian being a non-virgin will affect his/her chances of finding a Christian spouse?

This is one of those times when people need to be a bit more realistic about the 21st century.

Pre-marital sex is very common no matter if you are male or female. As ideal as it is for a marriage to be between two virgins, it just ain't practical nor a realistic possibility as much as in the past. Pre-marital sex is a sin. Christians do sin. Thus don't be surprised if Christians sinned by having pre-marital sex. I know I have.

Frankly, I don't feel that someone's virginal status should be a make or break factor because it just is not realistic when we consider how society is these days. I think that making it a make or break factor is judgmental on the part of those in a relationship because we are human beings and therefore prone to sin. What is supposed to set us apart as Christians in the capacity to not be judgmental and to be forgiving. If I met a lady who was all that I was looking for and more and she was not a virgin it would be foolish of us both to break it off because of that (and hypocritical on my part). This is the 21st century, people are very likely to have sex before they get married if they get married at all.

 

[Saucy]

Pssh Christians don't have sex. I know this for a fact because I am one

 

[Gnarwhal]

This is one of those times when people need to be a bit more realistic about the 21st century.

Pre-marital sex is very common no matter if you are male or female. As ideal as it is for a marriage to be between two virgins, it just ain't practical nor a realistic possibility as much as in the past. Pre-marital sex is a sin. Christians do sin. Thus don't be surprised if Christians sinned by having pre-marital sex. I know I have.

Frankly, I don't feel that someone's virginal status should be a make or break factor because it just is not realistic when we consider how society is these days. I think that making it a make or break factor is judgmental on the part of those in a relationship because we are human beings and therefore prone to sin. What is supposed to set us apart as Christians in the capacity to not be judgmental and to be forgiving. If I met a lady who was all that I was looking for and more and she was not a virgin it would be foolish of us both to break it off because of that (and hypocritical on my part). This is the 21st century, people are very likely to have sex before they get married if they get married at all.

Nailed it.

Honestly I couldn't care less if the girl I was with was a virgin or not. Actually, at my age not being a virgin is so unlikely that I think I'd be a little surprised if she was.

Pssh Christians don't have sex. I know this for a fact because I am one

Well duh.

 

[SnowyMacie]

Personally, I don't care whether or not she is a virgin. As Darth said, I would actually be surprised if she was a virgin. Most people I know don't care about that. It's really more about the circumstances surrounding their virginity or lack of. Are they super uptight about sex? or Are/were they too loose? etc. In fact, most people I know, married or not are not virgins. They aren't sleeping around having promiscuous sex, but having or had sex in their committed relationships with their significant other.

 

[Sketcher]

So the question for discussion here: Do you prefer to marry a Christian who is virgin? How important is this to you?

Yes, and it's important. I take the two becoming one flesh aspect of sex seriously. If I marry, regardless of who I marry or what changes have been made in my life between now and that time, my marriage will need all the help it can get. I want the two becoming one flesh to work for me, not against me.

With that in mind, do you think a Christian being a non-virgin will affect his/her chances of finding a Christian spouse?

No. Lots of people don't care about that, for good or ill.

Many men believe that while the sins of these Christian women are forgiven, the consequences cannot (and should not) be avoided. Christian men should have the right to reject non-virgin females as wives. God never said temporal consequences of sins are forgotten/erased as much as the eternal ones. In fact saying so would be non-biblical. Rehab was an exception.

I bolded what I disagreed with here. I have no Biblical reason to believe that Rahab was an exception to anything other than the people of Jericho being killed. I have no Biblical reason to believe that her marriage was happy or unhappy. Concerning consequences that "should not" be avoided, I generally don't wish those on people, unless they've done horrible things to other people.

 

[Mariya116]

Pssh Christians don't have sex. I know this for a fact because I am one

What he said.

 

[Saucy]

 

[leothelioness]

I made a thread earlier on the topic of Christian dating. Many users correctly point out to me that post was way too long. So I am breaking it down piece by piece for discussions.

Original post here:
http://www.christianforums.com/t7831915/

For Christians that have problems dating another Christian, there are generally 4 types:

1) Couldn’t find a Christian date
2) Bad dates (disappointing Christian dates)
3) Had sex before marriage.
4) Divorced

This post is about the third type: Christians who had sex before marriage. This includes those born-again Christians who didn't believe beforehand.

(Most of the online discussions was about non-virgin women marrying virgin men. The opposite is probably true, but rarely discussed online.)

Results: lost their virginity before marriage (limits their future Christian dating option), some ends up lying about their past at the start of a relationship (and reveal this later.)

View: Many women view Christian men as judgmental of their “bad and evil” past (examples like Rahab->Jesus was brought up).

Many men believe that while the sins of these Christian women are forgiven, the consequences cannot (and should not) be avoided. Christian men should have the right to reject non-virgin females as wives. God never said temporal consequences of sins are forgotten/erased as much as the eternal ones. In fact saying so would be non-biblical. Rahab was an exception.

(Generalization of feminism in churches and media: Female non-virgins=>victims unwillingly used by men. Male non-virgins=>purely evil and sinful. Some men feel they are being treated unfairly by the Christian culture.)

Some young men complained that non-virgin Christian women would try to “temp” the young Christian men into having sex with them before marriage. These women seem to be using their own guilt as a basis for further sin and leading Christian men astray.

Women say many men do the same thing, respectively.

Lying is very common on this subject. Many Christians would lie about their past, only to reveal it later.

So the question for discussion here: Do you prefer to marry a Christian who is virgin? How important is this to you? With that in mind, do you think a Christian being a non-virgin will affect his/her chances of finding a Christian spouse?

What would be the consequences just out of curiosity?

 

[Deidre32]

Even when I was a Christian, I only looked at a guy's heart, as to if dating him further made sense. You're dating someone in the present, not their past. Now, our past can shape us, that's true. But, someone's sexual past, I dunno. It doesn't bother me, unless the person's past would affect my life in some way, adversely. Like decisions they made, would spill over onto me. That would be a no go, then.

Just how I view dating, anyway.

 

[redblue22]

if you are able to handle future sex sins, then you are able to handle past sex sins.

.

 

[MarkSB]

So the question for discussion here: Do you prefer to marry a Christian who is virgin?

It never made a huge difference to me whether someone was a virgin or not - in the sense that it wasn't a make or break criteria for me. When I was a virgin myself, if someone I was interested in was also a virgin, I certainly viewed it as something positive, and which also made them more desirable IMO - but like I said not a primary "make or break" criteria.

Now that I am no longer a virgin, to be honest if someone who I dated was, I think that deep down it would make me feel bad that I had not held onto mine myself.

How important is this to you?

I think keeping oneself until marriage is something which all Christians should aspire to (per the Bible). But as has already been said, I see judging somebody based solely on that criteria as also being un-Christlike, and could also be very shallow. As an example, what if you knew someone had a promiscuous past but you refused to date them because of it? Then if you knew that person had suffered sexual abuse in their youth, how would that change your viewpoint?

With that in mind, do you think a Christian being a non-virgin will affect his/her chances of finding a Christian spouse?

Perhaps to some extent, but I don't know that it would to any large degree. I certainly think that it (sex before marriage) can affect the quality of your future relationships and spiritual life in general, and there's been at least one study which was done (by Bringham Young University) which has shown this to be true.

 

[leothelioness]

In what way did it affect the quality, Mark? Do you remember what the study said?

 

[Mariya116]

To some people here - it's like - everything to them - their whole value as a person and especially as a Christian person hangs on their being a virgin.

Personally - I find it a little disingenuous and if sincere, a bit disturbing.

Agreed. Are we also going to hang bloody sheets off the balcony on the morning of the wedding night?

 

[Saucy]

I really think those who are concerned with it are virgins themselves. A lot of people say those who haven't had sex are those who make the biggest deal about it. And that's mostly true. I know, still being a virgin, it's like this mystery to me...this amazing hidden glorious level of awesomeness I haven't experienced yet and I think about it a lot and how I will please my future wife, etc.

Once you do it, it's no long that mystery and it's easier to deal with. I think most people (not all) were the same way before they had sex. I wish people kinda looked back to that time and understood how rough it is to be a 30-year-old virgin and how people even look down on me because I haven't.

Also, waiting until marriage is a big deal to me. Not that I think someone who has had sex is a harlot or anything...just that I would appreciate someone who has the same views on sex that I do. It would be easy entice me and I don't want to be with someone who will constantly ask me to have sex and go against my beliefs.

 

[MarkSB]

In what way did it affect the quality, Mark? Do you remember what the study said?

Good things come to couples who wait


BYU is a Mormon university, so take that as you will - but I'm pretty sure there have been other studies which have shown similar results. At the end of the day, the studies don't really matter much to me; but its nice to try to quantify such things sometimes (and can be interesting). *shrug*

 

[Rhamiel]

Agreed. Are we also going to hang bloody sheets off the balcony on the morning of the wedding night?

yes

I mean....
yes?

lol great medieval reference

 

[Jupiter Drops]

Do you prefer to marry a Christian who is virgin?

I guess yeah.

How important is this to you?

Pretty important since I want stay as a virgin before getting married.

With that in mind, do you think a Christian being a non-virgin will affect his/her chances of finding a Christian spouse?

Not really because it depends on the person and if he/she wants to renew and give their heart to the Lord.

 

[AztecSDSU]

My personal take on the issue: if the economic realities of the Roman empire that necessitated slavery could be granted an economy then I think the realities of human life expectancy delaying marriage and increasing pre-martial sex can be granted one as well.