Choosing Makeup Over Quality Time

[BC37]

So here is the issue. I have a wonderful, beautiful girlfriend, who for the most part, treats me exceptionally well. We have been dating for almost 6 months, in our early 20's, both Christians, and talking about marriage. However, I am deeply concerned with her priorities and the reasons behind her decisions. I rarely ask for advice, but I am truly stumped and need as many opinions on this matter as possible from both christian men and women. Below is the exact conversation over texting with my girlfriend. Please reply with your opinion on the matter and a piece of advice in how to handle this.

Me: “What do you choose at the end of the day... more time time with your man or ten extra mins on your make up…”

Her: “I choose make-up. I will wear make-up for the rest of my life. I will always be something I do. If that’s an issue for you, you either get used to it or be challenging me forever on it, which is annoying.”

Me: “WOW… well I have some thinking to do.”

Her: “I suppose you do. But you’ve always known I’m not giving up make-up.”

Me: “I never asked you to.”

Her: “Well then don’t ask me to give up my time doing it.”


Please respond. Thank you so much.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

Seems random. My advice would be to not dwell on the "what-if" questions because misunderstandings invariably come with any "what if."

Can't you still spend time with someone while they're putting on make-up? It doesn't have to be a this OR that question--it can be this and that...it can be both!

Also, I don't think the question of makeup OR me is the real question. Really what I think she's against is the idea of an ultimatum: "Honey, me or the makeup, which is it." Taking what she says at face value ("I would choose makeup time over you") would be hurtful, but if you step back and look at the big picture, an ultimatum was given and she chose to not give in to it. Hmm, how can I explain this more clearly. Alright, I tend to be a more passive-aggressive person which means ultimatums do not work and just make my heels dig in. For instance, if I'm given an ultimatum, even if I would have done what was wanted of me in the first place without anything being said about it, I wouldn't budge simply because of principle. An ultimatum was given and she didn't encourage it. I bet if you never had this conversation and she was putting on makeup and you went to hang out with her and talk or whatever she would be completely fine with it. She would be fine with spending quality time with you while putting on her makeup!

TLDR: Ultimatums are bad. If you give ultimatums you're bad. mmmk? (10 pts if you know the reference)

 

[K9_Trainer]

Is that the only thing thats happened like that or that she's gotten that kind of attitude with?

When communicating by text message, its very easy to misinterpret and misunderstand. Perhaps there was a misunderstanding?

I understand your concern over her attitude. It was a very selfish attitude to have. But if selfishness isn't something you regularly have to deal with with her, and it was only that one time over text, then it could have been a misunderstanding or she took it the wrong way (like the above poster said, maybe she saw it as an ultimatum).

However do keep your eye out more for this attitude. At 6 months, the "honeymoon" phase is over and you are probably going to start seeing more of her true self. Its easy to get upset when somebody starts getting that kind of attitude with you, but I think one of the best ways to handle it is to honestly tell her "Its ok, I just want you to be happy". Try not to sound snide or smart. And remember, nobody is perfect. I bet you have your moments of selfishness too. But thats why relationships take work. As long as you are both willing to realize errors, apologize and work to fix them, then you can make the relationship work.

 

[Jacqulene]

I think you may be making a big deal out of something small. I know that my friends have hobbies that they enjoyed before they met their spouses.

One loves to work on cars. He might say he would rather spend an extra 10 minutes searching for rare parts at the junkyard rather then spending 10 mins with his wife. Now, he loves and adores his wife, but he also really enjoys cars. His wife came to understand that cars were something he enjoyed before he met her and the passion will likely continue. As long as he doesn't go overboard of course, then she's fine. She has even got to the point of saying "hon, maybe you should go look for car parts today, I know you'll love it". She is no longer insecure with his car hobby but reaps the benefit of having peace of mind and a happier husband who gets to do what he enjoys.

So, my point is: It's not a big deal. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you or is selfish. It's just something she's always liked to do. It's not smoking crack. She may think you are weird and controlling if you start-in on her make-up and she may get defensive about it. The best thing to do is not let it bother you. You said she "treats me exceptionally well for the most part" and "she's beautiful and wonderful"...don't sweat the small stuff.

 

[BC37]

Thank you for your posts. I respect your input. I like your example... But at what point is too much? At what point is it not okay to tell your loved one, if I had a choice, I would rather spend time with my hobby than you?

 

[Jacqulene]

Thank you for your posts. I respect your input. I like your example... But at what point is too much? At what point is it not okay to tell your loved one, if I had a choice, I would rather spend time with my hobby than you?

I think it depends really. I just don't take it personal. I know that my father spends a great deal studying scripture. If I asked him that question it would be unfair because I'm telling him to chose between something he is passionate about and his daughter. Me and my father's relationship is secure enough that I would not ask him that nor expect for him to pick spending more time with me because that's what makes him happy. I LOVE working out. I would give up *some* gym time for my loved ones but if they always expected me to just to prove I loved them, then I'd grow resentful because I can't do what brings me peace and a sense of accomplishment.

Obviously, if it goes beyond hobby to an obsession then of course that's not healthy. How much time do you spend with her now? Do you feel secure in her love for you? I get the sense there is more to it than just the make-up. Do you think she is shallow or high maintenance? Do you normally prefer chicks who don't wear make-up?

 

[BC37]

I understand completely... but makeup? can you really compare the two?

 

[Jacqulene]

I understand completely... but makeup? can you really compare the two?

It's important to her so you don't have to get it lol. Heck, it could be stringing paper clips together; if the person likes it, they like it. What can you do? Is it worth stressing over if you love her?? It's also not a good sign if you want to change her already and it's only been 6 months..good luck.

 

[SiyoNqoba]

I agree fully with dsrohe, but I also wanted to add something else.

Do you know about love languages? I think there's a recent post about them at the moment, actually.

Maybe her love language just isn't time? My boyfriend's isn't either, and I know that if given the choice between 10 extra minutes with me or 10 extra minutes on his truck, he'd choose his truck. I could get upset about that, but then I'd be choosing to forget that he just took me shopping, cooked me dinner and did the dishes.

Maybe it's just not as important to her to spend time with you as it is to be hugged, or be told she's loved, or be bought flowers, or have something nice done for her. Though she does need to understand that it's important to you, time isn't the be all and end all of every relationship.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Does she spend an hour or two on her makeup and not let you see her while she is doing her makeup? And do it multiple times daily? Or does she really honestly do her makeup for ten minutes at a time? If it's ten minutes or whatever like you say then come on man, GET OVER IT. Spend time with her WHILE she does her makeup. Stop making mountains out of molehills.

And get used to the fact that for some folks (a lot of folks actually), trying to tell them what to do/give orders is basically telling them to do the exact opposite. It's not a bad thing at all, and in reality it keeps you in check. Check yourself on why you feel you have to make such a battle of this.

 

[seaisabella]

It sounds to me like her answer is defensive, as if perhaps you have commented before on how you don't like her wearing makeup, or prefer the natural look or something like that? I only interpret it this way because most people wouldn't react to a question like that by responding that you might have an issue with makeup on a general scale. I wouldn't let what she said hurt your feelings, as generally when we say things that are defensive they aren't coming from a logical place but instead an emotional place, often not saying what we really mean.

 

[latteda]

If it were me I would have taken your words as a sort of manipulation--like you were bothered for some reason by my wearing makeup but rather than come right out and say it, you were trying to make me feel guilty about it in an offhanded way. Just saying, that would make a LOT of people want to dig in their heels.

Can you not allow her ten minutes a day to have some time for herself doing something that she loves to do? Her life doesn't have to be completely consumed with you in order for her to really love you.

 

[bliz]

Does she spend an hour or two on her makeup and not let you see her while she is doing her makeup? And do it multiple times daily? Or does she really honestly do her makeup for ten minutes at a time? If it's ten minutes or whatever like you say then come on man, GET OVER IT. Spend time with her WHILE she does her makeup. Stop making mountains out of molehills.

I think these are important questions. She's 20 - how much time does she spend on her appearance? If she is spending more than a few minutes, something as off kilter. Why does she feel spending that amount of time is necessary? This gets into a lot of self value issues. If she thinks she is less valuable to you or herself if she is not as beautiful as possible 24/7, there are some major problems that will impact a marriage.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

There is no darkness in the Light.
All you will find in the darkness...is more darkness.
All you will find in the Light...is the Truth.

and if you live the Truth that you find in the Light...It will make you free.

Thank you for the relevant reply, that totally answers the OP's post, in clear and concise words, without being confusing whatsoever.

 

[The Nihilist]

So here is the issue. I have a wonderful, beautiful girlfriend, who for the most part, treats me exceptionally well. We have been dating for almost 6 months, in our early 20's, both Christians, and talking about marriage. However, I am deeply concerned with her priorities and the reasons behind her decisions. I rarely ask for advice, but I am truly stumped and need as many opinions on this matter as possible from both christian men and women. Below is the exact conversation over texting with my girlfriend. Please reply with your opinion on the matter and a piece of advice in how to handle this.

Me: “What do you choose at the end of the day... more time time with your man or ten extra mins on your make up…”

Her: “I choose make-up. I will wear make-up for the rest of my life. I will always be something I do. If that’s an issue for you, you either get used to it or be challenging me forever on it, which is annoying.”

Me: “WOW… well I have some thinking to do.”

Her: “I suppose you do. But you’ve always known I’m not giving up make-up.”

Me: “I never asked you to.”

Her: “Well then don’t ask me to give up my time doing it.”


Please respond. Thank you so much.

I guess don't ask questions if you don't need to know the answer? Also, don't make dumb trouble.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

So here is the issue. I have a wonderful, beautiful girlfriend, who for the most part, treats me exceptionally well. We have been dating for almost 6 months, in our early 20's, both Christians, and talking about marriage. However, I am deeply concerned with her priorities and the reasons behind her decisions. I rarely ask for advice, but I am truly stumped and need as many opinions on this matter as possible from both christian men and women. Below is the exact conversation over texting with my girlfriend. Please reply with your opinion on the matter and a piece of advice in how to handle this.

Me: “What do you choose at the end of the day... more time time with your man or ten extra mins on your make up…”

Her: “I choose make-up. I will wear make-up for the rest of my life. I will always be something I do. If that’s an issue for you, you either get used to it or be challenging me forever on it, which is annoying.”

Me: “WOW… well I have some thinking to do.”

Her: “I suppose you do. But you’ve always known I’m not giving up make-up.”

Me: “I never asked you to.”

Her: “Well then don’t ask me to give up my time doing it.”


Please respond. Thank you so much.

I guess I'm missing something. I don't see where really either one of you are coming from quite honestly.

I guess if she wants to spend an extra 10 minutes putting on make-up because she enjoys it, then rock on. After all it is just 10 minutes, it's not like she said she'd rather spend an afternoon getting primped instead of going out. Honestly, I like make-up and I like putting it on and there are times where taking some extra time to do it makes it feel like I'm doing something special, as opposed to the everyday make-up I can get on in 5 minutes or less. Plus I usually put it on in the morning so I'm perfectly happy being left alone. But if there was company to be had and somebody wanted to talk to me, I wouldn't kick them out. One of my fondest moments in life was putting on make-up in a hotel bathroom while my little niece pawed through my stuff and talked to me.

Would I choose to do that instead of spending time with another person? Probably not. But that's me. Maybe every once in awhile when I'm getting ready to go out somewhere REALLY special and I didn't want to be seen until it was time for the "big reveal" so I could get the adequate "you look amazing" comment, but I can't remember the last time that happened. And I do seem to remember when I was younger I liked my private time in the bathroom to get ready to go. I lived in a small apartment and there was no space or privacy so the bathroom was really all I had if there was anybody over or if I had company (like when my brother lived with me for a summer). Then I think I'd have liked the extra 10 minutes.

I don't understand why this now means you have something to "think about." Does she spend hours putting it on? Does she do it several times a day? Does she not want to be bothered while putting it on so you're just not allowed anywhere near her for an excessively long primping process? If she's the average woman who spends 10-15 minutes doing hair and make-up and she'd like to take an extra 10, it's hardly the end of the world. I'm sure there are things she'd view as trivial that you'd take out 10 minutes to do instead of being with your partner.

When taken directly as written, I'd say if this is the biggest issue you've got to worry about then things are going pretty well.

 

[Idyllic]

I find texting a very hard way to communicate especially to a girl. I always keep it simple, direct and with obvious meaning, otherwise its very easy to complicate and over analyze the situation as youre doing.
Keep these sorts of relationship questions to face-to-face communication, and endearments and plans to meet up next to text messages.

 

[TravisD]

Are you looking for reasons to run? If not, try not to make a big stink about it. Makeup obviously gives her a sense of security and confidence. My wife used to wear makeup and she spent what seemed like an eternity applying it everyday. I never have liked makeup so I kept telling her it was a waste of time and that it hides her real beauty She either started to believe me or just stopped caring... Now she only wears makeup for a special occasion like family pics. It's funny because now after only 6 years of being married, she could spend 2 hours in the morning applying makeup and I wouldn't really care

 

[waxlion10]

I'm still so confused... why would you ask her to choose ten minutes with you or ten minutes with makeup? It sounds a little selfish, to me (as a female who wears makeup every day) that you would give her such an ultimatum.

I am so glad my fiancé would never ask me to choose between him or putting on makeup. how silly that would seem to me...

I'm sorry; I don't mean to come across as rude, but the whole situation and way you're reading into it just sounds ridiculous to me.

Have you talked directly to HER about this situation and how you feel about it??

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

It sounds to me like you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Ten minutes isn't that long. Some guys probably spend that mucht time doing their hair or shaving, should that not be allowed either? geesh. Let her put on her makeup. If she spends a couple hours on it and won't let you in the room until she's done, that may be a problem, more a self esteem one, but ten minutes is chump change.