Choosing between Singleness/Family Proximity and Relationship/Distance

[poppylavender]

Like many late-20s young women, I’ve spent a lot of the last decade praying for my singleness to end. However, in the past couple years, I’ve really come to a place of peace with it. I pursue God and seek to know Him, sexual temptation isn’t something I struggle much with, and I’ve been able to move through a lot of the loneliness I used to struggle with. Somewhere along the way I decided to stop living my life as if I was waiting for someone and just live it to the fullest in the moment, while seeking God’s guidance along the way. I’m American but have had the opportunity to move to England and work as a health care provider in an impoverished borough of South London in the past year, which has truly been a formative experience. When I came here, I imagined staying for a couple years, moving back to be near my family, and then possibly starting to pursue special needs adoption (surrounded by a good, supportive community) if I was starting to near my 30s still single.

Recently, I’ve started talking to a good, Christian man who lives in Scotland. I like him very much. He seems to have strong theological groundings, is a responsible caretaker of his family since his father passed recently, and I think would be an incredibly kind and well-grounded partner. He knows that adoption is something I pray about seriously and hasn’t been scared away, but I don’t know if it’s something he similarly feels is in the cards for him. Choosing to allow myself to pursue this relationship would mean opening myself to the possibility of moving to Scotland permanently. He’s not opposed to the idea of living in the US, but his specific job/qualifications would make employment difficult there, whereas my job is flexible. The thought of living in Scotland, which previously might have sounded like a complete dream come true, is admittedly still exciting. But not being able to live near my parents long-term would be very difficult because of the closeness of our relationship.

My dilemma is this - I have two paths open to me which I feel seem to be God-honoring: the possibility of building a hopefully fruitful Christian marriage in a new country, making the choice to not live near my American family; or leaning into my singleness, moving back near to my parents, being in a long-term position to care for them as they get older, and starting to build a small family in a non-traditional way (but still one that God has made plain to me). Is there a clear way to choose in a situation like this?

Thank you kindly.

 

[Neogaia777]

Is there a clear way to choose in a situation like this?

I don't know that there is, so just see it as a very great blessing that you have those two options open to you, and talk to or with God a lot about it before making your decision, etc...

God Bless!

 

[Shrewd Manager]

Like many late-20s young women, I’ve spent a lot of the last decade praying for my singleness to end. However, in the past couple years, I’ve really come to a place of peace with it. I pursue God and seek to know Him, sexual temptation isn’t something I struggle much with, and I’ve been able to move through a lot of the loneliness I used to struggle with. Somewhere along the way I decided to stop living my life as if I was waiting for someone and just live it to the fullest in the moment, while seeking God’s guidance along the way. I’m American but have had the opportunity to move to England and work as a health care provider in an impoverished borough of South London in the past year, which has truly been a formative experience. When I came here, I imagined staying for a couple years, moving back to be near my family, and then possibly starting to pursue special needs adoption (surrounded by a good, supportive community) if I was starting to near my 30s still single.

Recently, I’ve started talking to a good, Christian man who lives in Scotland. I like him very much. He seems to have strong theological groundings, is a responsible caretaker of his family since his father passed recently, and I think would be an incredibly kind and well-grounded partner. He knows that adoption is something I pray about seriously and hasn’t been scared away, but I don’t know if it’s something he similarly feels is in the cards for him. Choosing to allow myself to pursue this relationship would mean opening myself to the possibility of moving to Scotland permanently. He’s not opposed to the idea of living in the US, but his specific job/qualifications would make employment difficult there, whereas my job is flexible. The thought of living in Scotland, which previously might have sounded like a complete dream come true, is admittedly still exciting. But not being able to live near my parents long-term would be very difficult because of the closeness of our relationship.

My dilemma is this - I have two paths open to me which I feel seem to be God-honoring: the possibility of building a hopefully fruitful Christian marriage in a new country, making the choice to not live near my American family; or leaning into my singleness, moving back near to my parents, being in a long-term position to care for them as they get older, and starting to build a small family in a non-traditional way (but still one that God has made plain to me). Is there a clear way to choose in a situation like this?

Thank you kindly.

Which is the path that requires more faith and leads to life?

 

[messianist]

Don’t rush into your decision, things will become more clear for you, keep in prayer regularly,and try not to over think on the situation.

 

[Paidiske]

You say you've been "talking to" Mr. Scotland. Have you met him in person yet? Maybe doing so, and seeing how that goes, would help you discern?

 

[Tolworth John]

I have two paths open to me which I feel seem to be God-honoring: the possibility of building a hopefully fruitful Christian marriage in a new country, making the choice to not live near my American family; or leaning into my singleness, moving back near to my parents, being in a long-term position to care for them as they get older,

Don't build castles in the air.
As Paidiske suggested actually meet him and his family before making any plans.

Talk to him, could you visit before Christmas and get to know him in person.
If not possible do use video calls and again make plans for a visit after Christmas/new year and do ensure you go to his church both in person and via there on line services.

 

[com7fy8]

First . . . welcome to Christian Forums

Possibly, God's choice is different than the ones you are seeing now. Be blessed with the good that you have, including your parents, your Scottish friend, and your work. Possibly, for now, you do not need to make decisions about the future, but enjoy all you are blessed with, now, already.

And keep developing in being able to be guided by God. Then, at any moment, even, if you have a question about what to do, simply do what God guides you to do He will guide you according to all He knows is really true and what He wants to do with you . . . to share with you.

My opinion is it is wise to listen to whatever your Scottish friend says he wants. And do not try to change him from it. But, even so, he needs to grow in Jesus, so he discovers how his interests change. Both of you are growing, if you both are with Jesus; so you will discover what God wants, and this will turn out to be more and better, than things you now might find to be impressive

So, enjoy discovering, maybe enjoy sharing with one another about what you are finding, versus jumping to any conclusions. But it is possible God already has you interested in things which He plans to do with you. But be ready to enjoy discovering the details

"'Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'" (Matthew 11:29)

In Christ's "yoke" we can have His personal and constant leading in sharing with Him. And we have "rest" while we submit to Him. And His guiding is reliable, about if we marry or not, whom we trust in married or single relating, and all else. So, it is wise to invest in how to live like this; then, when things look impossible, simply do what Jesus has us doing. And we grow to what He has for us.

In general > your marriage choice could effect your life long after your parents are gone; so you need to make choices wisely about if and whom you marry. I would not let your parents' situation steer you, but yes do all you can to help them. You could be in Scotland and make a missionary trip to your parents when they need you much of the time . . . or let other family members or even living assistance arrangements take care of them, while you stay in touch. Because you might have too much to handle in Scotland, including any children to bring up and care for. Not to mention - - even if you were near your parents, still you might have at-home priorities to attend to. Seniors in the United States can tend to be independent enough to choose how they will be taken care of, without their children constantly being with them. In case they have been independent now, with you, though close, still they could want to stay pretty much independent, later. Have you talked with them, about this? And, of course, if you are married, you have your husband's parents, too.

 

[Albion]

Yes, the writers of the earlier posts had it right. There is much of importance that you could jeopardize by taking either of those paths you described to us, poppylavender.

But while you know for a fact that removing yourself from your parents would be a real negative for both you and them, you don't know what the the other path would lead to. So far, you're contemplating what it MIGHT lead to and if it did what you would think then.

If it were me, I'd see what the connection to the man in Scotland turns out to be, and then give it time to mature even if he seems to be "the one." If it's a success story, then face up to your dilemma. We hate to say it, but there is every possibility that it won't work out as you hope.

 

[Trusting in Him]

There can be times when we need to hold some things loosely before there Lord and see if He will prosper our way, or not. We commit our way to Him, knowing that He will not deny us any good thing! If God intervines to prosper our way, we see His hand in our circumstances and have assurance of living our lives according to His will.

My wife and I have followed the principle all of our married lives including when deciding about getting married and God has undertaken for us and blessed us in our lives. Trusting Him in all things has been the way we have lived all this time. He is our shepherd and in the middle east the sheep follow the shepherd and His sheep know his voice.

 

[Trusting in Him]

My wife and I were just members of the same church. In time we became just casual friends and I had no idea that she was interested in me until she spoke to me about it. I decided to pray about it and the Lord confirmed it to me.

So we started seeing each other and after a while we got engaged. In no time at all our pastor's wife had looked at the church's diary and the date was fixed and all the arrangements made. We just got swept along with it.

 

[Bella_lee]

Hi @poppylavender you sound like an awesome young lady with a caring heart and a love and desire to seek God and be obedient to Him.
I want to encourage you to keep trusting God and not feel you have to rush to make a choice right now. Also remember that it says in Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing,
And obtains favor from the Lord. So instead of thinking that you should pursue the relationship with your Scottish friend, I would say be open to letting him pursue you.
All that you desire such as marriage, being there for your parents, adopting are all wonderful desires and so my prayer for you is that God who is able to do exceedingly above all that we can imagine or even desire according to his power that is at work within us will guide you and bring about His perfect will in your life.
Remember God is for you and with you. Much hugs ))).

 

[Sketcher]

Like many late-20s young women, I’ve spent a lot of the last decade praying for my singleness to end. However, in the past couple years, I’ve really come to a place of peace with it. I pursue God and seek to know Him, sexual temptation isn’t something I struggle much with, and I’ve been able to move through a lot of the loneliness I used to struggle with. Somewhere along the way I decided to stop living my life as if I was waiting for someone and just live it to the fullest in the moment, while seeking God’s guidance along the way. I’m American but have had the opportunity to move to England and work as a health care provider in an impoverished borough of South London in the past year, which has truly been a formative experience. When I came here, I imagined staying for a couple years, moving back to be near my family, and then possibly starting to pursue special needs adoption (surrounded by a good, supportive community) if I was starting to near my 30s still single.

Recently, I’ve started talking to a good, Christian man who lives in Scotland. I like him very much. He seems to have strong theological groundings, is a responsible caretaker of his family since his father passed recently, and I think would be an incredibly kind and well-grounded partner. He knows that adoption is something I pray about seriously and hasn’t been scared away, but I don’t know if it’s something he similarly feels is in the cards for him. Choosing to allow myself to pursue this relationship would mean opening myself to the possibility of moving to Scotland permanently. He’s not opposed to the idea of living in the US, but his specific job/qualifications would make employment difficult there, whereas my job is flexible. The thought of living in Scotland, which previously might have sounded like a complete dream come true, is admittedly still exciting. But not being able to live near my parents long-term would be very difficult because of the closeness of our relationship.

My dilemma is this - I have two paths open to me which I feel seem to be God-honoring: the possibility of building a hopefully fruitful Christian marriage in a new country, making the choice to not live near my American family; or leaning into my singleness, moving back near to my parents, being in a long-term position to care for them as they get older, and starting to build a small family in a non-traditional way (but still one that God has made plain to me). Is there a clear way to choose in a situation like this?

Thank you kindly.

God can be honored either way, but the challenge here is that you need trusted people to help you vet him, and your family which should be your first choice, is thousands of miles away from you. He could be a great guy, or he could just be on his best behavior until he's trapped you. It's ultimately your choice of course, but lots of people don't choose well, and don't realize it until it's too late.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt though, consider - how are his expectations of marriage and a home and faith and family different from yours? Will he insist on seeing his family every Christmas, so that you would not be able to fly to the states to see your family on Christmas? What about Thanksgiving? Will he want to make the trip to the states every year? Will he be good with you making that trip every year? Then of course, birthdays, and certain anniversaries, and funerals.