Childless

[Jasminrose]

This is not a thread about being "child free"

Anyway, my husband and I very happy even though we cannot have children of our own. It really bugs me though that people assume we aren't happy, or tell us that they are sorry that we can't have children. I'm fine with it. We might adopt someday, and we might not, right now we are happy.

I've dealt with this for a long time, why does it seem like people look down on childless couples?

 

[CSmrw]

I don't. I wish more people would make that choice.

My wife and I have a son and we stopped. I got the dreaded snip and everything. Fine and dandy, you would think. But I had the most bizarre conversation once with a woman about having an only child. I told her about it and she was aghast. "Just one? But that's so sad! I mean, what if he died? What would you do then?"

I was stunned. I am still a little stunned thinking back on it. But I have heard before, I realised, just never quite so bluntly. "What if he died?" My response was unrepeatable here because it involved the f word, but it can be summed up as: "Are you saying you breed for spares?!" I realized then that there are people in my country, and probably the world who think they love children, think they are doing everyone a favor by having them and all that. But when you treally listen to what they say you realise they love children like they love pets or cars. Or drugs. These folks are not making human beings. They are knitting tiolet cozies. They are raising puppies. They are child hobbyists, baby enthusiasts, embryo addicts. Since that day I have kept a careful eye on my fellow parents and their kids, and I am so disgusted with many of my fellow parental citizens I wouldn't spit on them if they were dying of thirst.

Not all, just some, but more than I can ever be comfortable with. So I say joy to you and your husband. Have a perfect life and a wonderful marriage and the next time someone says those things to you take a real good look at them and their brood.

 

[TooCurious]

If you are content with your status regarding children, then I am happy for you.

If someone else cannot understand your contentment in that regard, that is his/her problem. If that person proceeds to inflict his/her problem on you, then you have my sympathy.

As far as why this occurs, it seems to me that there remains in our culture the notion that "get married and have kids" is the ultimate goal of human life. This was true for a very long time in the cultures that gave rise to our own, and while it is no longer entirely applicable, our cultural values have not yet caught up with our lives.

 

[CSmrw]

Eggzaktly!

 

[Jasminrose]

I don't. I wish more people would make that choice.

My wife and I have a son and we stopped. I got the dreaded snip and everything. Fine and dandy, you would think. But I had the most bizarre conversation once with a woman about having an only child. I told her about it and she was aghast. "Just one? But that's so sad! I mean, what if he died? What would you do then?"

I was stunned. I am still a little stunned thinking back on it. But I have heard before, I realised, just never quite so bluntly. "What if he died?" My response was unrepeatable here because it involved the f word, but it can be summed up as: "Are you saying you breed for spares?!" I realized then that there are people in my country, and probably the world who think they love children, think they are doing everyone a favor by having them and all that. But when you treally listen to what they say you realise they love children like they love pets or cars. Or drugs. These folks are not making human beings. They are knitting tiolet cozies. They are raising puppies. They are child hobbyists, baby enthusiasts, embryo addicts. Since that day I have kept a careful eye on my fellow parents and their kids, and I am so disgusted with many of my fellow parental citizens I wouldn't spit on them if they were dying of thirst.

Not all, just some, but more than I can ever be comfortable with. So I say joy to you and your husband. Have a perfect life and a wonderful marriage and the next time someone says those things to you take a real good look at them and their brood.

I have heard people say that before too. I find it a pretty strange thing to say also. Even if your one child were to die its not like having another would ever replace the one you lost.

 

[Jasminrose]

If you are content with your status regarding children, then I am happy for you.

If someone else cannot understand your contentment in that regard, that is his/her problem. If that person proceeds to inflict his/her problem on you, then you have my sympathy.

As far as why this occurs, it seems to me that there remains in our culture the notion that "get married and have kids" is the ultimate goal of human life. This was true for a very long time in the cultures that gave rise to our own, and while it is no longer entirely applicable, our cultural values have not yet caught up with our lives.

I get asked a lot if I have children, and when I say I don't sometimes they want to know why. I don't want to lie, but I don't want to get into it either. I just say we might adopt someday. Usually they say something like, ah, that's too bad, which makes no sense to me, you would think they would be happy that we would be giving a child a home.

 

[CSmrw]

Again, exactly. If I had ten kids and one died I would be devastated. I seriously doubt I would weep a bit and then utter the phrase "Durn. Thank Gord I still have nine, huh maw?"

Another serious response I have gotten - I thought it was a joke until I pressed a bit - was from a guy. He said "Just ONE!? You are insane. Do you know how much of a tax write off you get!?" When I realised he wasn't joking we had a nice disussion that ended up with me inviting him to do something physically impossible with his naughty bits.

 

[£amb]

This is not a thread about being "child free"

Anyway, my husband and I very happy even though we cannot have children of our own. It really bugs me though that people assume we aren't happy, or tell us that they are sorry that we can't have children. I'm fine with it. We might adopt someday, and we might not, right now we are happy.

I've dealt with this for a long time, why does it seem like people look down on childless couples?

I don't. My Aunt and Uncle did not have children. She was unable to, and they lived perfectly fine without children. I have 2 boys so I always get the "don't you want to have alittle girl?". I tell them no way.

 

[gwenmead]

I suspect sometimes it's just a kind of shortsightedness about it.

There's a great deal of pressure to reproduce; it comes from biological drives and social pressures. Maybe a lot of folks just can't even get their head around the idea that anybody could not have children, yet be quite happy and content that way. It's like a huge blind spot in someone's way of thinking: they're so indoctrinated to think a certain way that they truly can't see any other way.

Which is rather self-absorbed, even if not willfully malevolent. It might even carry a degree of good intention, if it comes from someone who is truly happy having had children. I mean if they believe that everyone would be happy with kids, there's an implication that they want something for you that they think would make you happy. Granted, they're wrong about what would make you happy, but at least beneath the error is a wish that you'd be happy.

Others might be subconsciously uncomfortable because they see childfree folks that were able to make a decision that maybe they weren't able to make themselves earlier in life. Sometimes if a person is ambivalent about the choices they've made in life - to have children, in this case - if they see someone who made a different choice from them, or the choice they might rather have made, and being happy with it, that can be unsettling.

And maybe other folks are just rude and clueless, who knows.

In the end it isn't anybody's blasted business why you or anybody else decided not to have children. And you don't have to offer an explanation to anyone who pries into such a personal decision. A simple "I'd rather not talk about such a private matter" should suffice to shut up anybody with decent manners.

Anyway. Some thoughts.

 

[ebia]

For some reason, when it comes to the issue of having children (whether, when, how many, etc) people become extraordinarly insensitive and (for some reason) feel entitled to ask the most intrusive and hurtful questions which they wouldn't dream of doing in any other area.

 

[kopilo]

This is not a thread about being "child free"

Anyway, my husband and I very happy even though we cannot have children of our own. It really bugs me though that people assume we aren't happy, or tell us that they are sorry that we can't have children. I'm fine with it. We might adopt someday, and we might not, right now we are happy.

I've dealt with this for a long time, why does it seem like people look down on childless couples?

Assumptions based on what they would want, or stupidity.

"Why don't you want to have a child to take care of you in your old age"...

 

[bammertheblue]

I think it's because we live in a society that could easily be defined as buying into the "Cult of the Child" idea. Children are supposed to be the be-all and end-all of your life, especially if you're a woman.

http://everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=553046

"More seriously, the Cult of the Child is often invoked as a camel's nose to promote all sorts of hysteria against things that the speaker would rather not acknowlege in everyday life, and would like to take out of adult life as well."

 

[Jasminrose]

Thanks for all the replies about this. It would just be nice not to have to asked about it almost on a daily basis. I work in a hospital and most of my patients ask me if I have children.

 

[Linnis]

People will ALWAYS think they have a right to an opinon about your life.

I mean getting married, having kids, finding out the gender of the baby, choosing a name. People even complete strangers think they have a right to tell me what they think. You don't have kids, too many kids, not enough girls or boys etc etc etc

My Husband says "Opinons are like butts everyone has one doesn't mean we want to hear from it."

It seems to shut people up pretty quickly.

 

[CSmrw]

Haha, I had a history teacher once who, upon hearing my reason for being a couple of minutes late to his calss, exclaimed "excuses are like armipts: everyone has them and they all stink." To which, being who I am, and having had my father recently put under the knife for cysts in his armpits caused by using "stick" deoderant and causing him as he put it "ARGHH!!!!" pain, I replied "and if you try to prevent someone from using them as they are designed you get painful cysts and end up spending a fortune at the doctors. Thanks a ton for the advice Marcus Welby".

SUSPENDED!!