Child Free

[Isis-Astoroth]

Me not standing children is more than just finding it a bad idea to have children any time soon, it's a serious dislike of, as in, I'm near one and I have to get away quick.

 

[gwenmead]

A couple of people have mentioned the pressure on women to get married and have kids - whoa yeah, that's definitely still around. It was what my mother was taught, and what she taught me.

I was supposed to grow up, go to college - not to get an education, but to meet The Right Guy(tm), marry him, be a virgin when I married, start having lots of babies, and be a stay-at-home mom. That was the life I was taught I should live and be fulfilled by.

I don't doubt for a moment that there are definitely women (maybe men too, who knows) out there who would be and are fulfilled by that life. My mother was certainly one, and I have a cousin who is very happy doing the same. I wouldn't begrudge them that for a moment, nor ever imply that it's some kind of inferior or "wrong" way to live.

But I will admit that somehow or other, I realized somewhere along the line that as an individual I'd find that kind of life stifling and ingenuine. It wouldn't make me happy, and it wouldn't do any children in that situation any good either, because in the end they'd be fundamentally unwanted. Plus I'd be a crappy parent, frankly. There are a lot of reasons, really.

Boy, I tellya though, the familial pressure to conform to a certain kind of family model for myself - conform and be satisfied with it - was tremendous. When I married the first time, still trying to live out The Plan(tm), my own dear grandmother came to me shortly after the wedding and said, "Now M----, no pressure - but I want to be a great-grandmother." Yikes!

Fortunately my cousin just complied recently, and had a healthy baby boy. My granny is happy to be a great-granny, and the whole family is pleased to have a little squirt to dote on... and then give back at the end of the day.

Incidentally, something odd - when I finally realized in my late 20's that I didn't actually want children, and I went public about it, my mother relaxed and admitted she didn't want to be a grandmother either. Which I found kind of odd. Sometimes I wonder if my admitting I didn't want kids maybe allowed her to give herself "permission" to admit she didn't really think that I had to have them, or didn't want to be a grandma, or whatever... I'll have to ask her about that some more later. (Maybe everybody just grew up and mellowed out a bit, who knows.)

Anyhoo. Just some more ramblings on kids, parenting, choosing to have kids or not, and stuff like that... thanks for reading.

 

[sister_maynard]

It sounds like your mom didn't want to try to control your life or guilt-trip you into not having children for her sake. She gave you space to make your own choices, and she likely felt free to confess her feelings about grandchildren when you had already made your own choice independently.

 

[gwenmead]

I think that's very likely true, once I had grown up. It wasn't true when I was a kid, though - there was a definite program for my life, and the pattern was to follow hers. I was honestly a little surprised when she didn't object. But, people grow, and sometimes they surprise you.

By the time I was able to make the choice, she was content to let me make it. It was a little odd to see the change from the time when she was indeed controlling about it, to the time when she wasn't. But hey, there it is, and fwiw everybody's content now.

She's really happy to be a great aunt now, btw. She's seen her new great-nephew several times now since he was born, and reports that he's a groovy little kid. (Heh, as groovy as a 3-month-old baby can be!) I haven't been able to see him yet because I've been sick a lot lately, but I'm itching to meet him. Maybe at Thanksgiving, later this year.

 

[sister_maynard]

Sounds great! I'm glad that everyone's happy with the way things have worked out.

 

[kopilo]

I'd just tell her that she may have great grand kitties.

 

[gwenmead]

Heehee! Yeah she actually has a granddog - Ophelia the Incredibly Cute Wiener Dog.

Everyone in this wing of the family has wiener dogs - me, my sister, and parents - and it works out great.

 

[kopilo]

aww, they are cute!

 

[sister_maynard]

Cool! Several families on my dad's side have wiener dogs. They annoy me with all the yapping, but it's fun to watch them walk.

 

[PookySmiley]

What constitutes a person who would not make a good parent and how does that fit in with Christianity? Is it important to worry about what assumptions people make of your biological capabilities? Why not just tell the truth; say you are childless, or "have no children?"

Can you think of any examples where "free" follows a word without referring to a negative? Or where the negative is not something that is undesirable in that instance, such as "fat-free" or "alcohol-free?" No, there is something wrong with the phrase, "child-free", because it implies children in the negative.

Every man has paternal instincts, every woman has maternal instincts. It is in the ability to care for somebody who depends on you. We call people without those abilities sociopaths.

We have no children, we want no children, I doubt that I have ever had a maternal instinct in my life. I am not a sociopath. I have friends, I have nieces and nephews that I enjoy seeing. I love my husband alot, I love my God even more. I'm kind to animals and have pets. I love my pets. I am not a sociopath. I have friends who have said that they "wish they hadn't had children" my mother told my brother and I on many occasions that she loved us because we were hers, but she didn't like kids at all. If you aren't driven to have kids; if you are sure you wouldn't be a good parent; why in the hell should you have kids? None of this makes me a sociopath.

I want an apology for being called a sociopath. You're wrong and you're mean. When you become an adult, you'll understand what I mean.

 

[PookySmiley]

Middlemoor ]
I'm sorry, that won't do. Can you think of any examples where "free" follows a word without referring to a negative?

Weapons free

Fat Free
Debt Free
Foot Loose and Fancy Free

 

[PookySmiley]

Floppy disk is a technical term, same as hard disk and boot loader; only within the specific context of Information Technology does a floppy disk mean a 3 1/4" disket.

Except that it means a 5 1/4" diskette, not a 3 1/2" diskette, which is rigid.

 

[kopilo]

Except that it means a 5 1/4" diskette, not a 3 1/2" diskette, which is rigid.

Opps, you can tell I was combining the ancient with the old.