Checking in....and out

[GreyWolf]

Hey everybody. I am back from Maine, and have been since last week. Maine was really nice. We saw some beautiful sights in Acadia National park, went shopping and ate lobster, even saw a wild lobster scuttling around in the bay, which was kind of funny.

I haven't written because my computer is down. Right now, I don't have the money to fix it. So I'm pretty much going to be offline until further notice. I don't know how I will be able to cope with this long term, as I am homebound, no car or anything, and normally am very isolated, the internet was my main link to the outside world, as well as my only way of makign money and getting support. I think I will be spending a lot of time eating ramen and watching tv alone in my apartmetn from now on. I will try to get to the library (that is where I'm typing this from) every now and then to check in with everybody. If you reply Iwill read it when I log in again. Hopefully I can get to the library once a week or so.

It's gonnna be real tough without a computer though. I also may have to find a new counselor and doctor because of problems with transportation- I have to keep canceling because the van can't bring me. I had to reschedule both my appointments. I haven't seen my counselor in two weeks and won' tsee her again until 3 more weeks, assuming my van doesn't cancel again. I'm still looking into getting altenate transportation.

So things aren't great, and I am still wrestling with feelings of suicide. I'm hanging in there though, and I have to go now, but I will check back in as soon as I can so you allknow I'm ok.

thanks for all your thoughts and prayers.

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

Just remember poor people have better souls, eating rameon noodles and peanut butter and jelly is good for the soul!

 

[Alive again]

so good to hear from u. I am thankful you had a neat time in Maine! You saw a lobster in the wild!!! SO AWESOME!!!

Praying for you. That i no fun being isolated like that.

Hugs and prayers

 

[Jeshu]

Blessings!!


You haven't been forgotten.

Know suicidal thoughts need careful reprogramming to disappear fully - denying them the right to speak to your heart and mind is good but generally not enough - wanting to live for good and in love is what killed suicidal thoughts inside of me. Jesus is The Way in that process. Hoping and learning to have faith are essential ingredients as well.

Still you are with us and I hope you stay in contact.

(What is the problem with your computer? I might be able to help!!)


Gerry

 

[GreyWolf]

Great news! My computer is back!!!



The problem wasn't as bad as I feared it was. So now I will have to make sure I check in often!!

 

[Jeshu]

You're more than welcome!

 

[FaithfulWife]

YAY!!

You're back! You're back!

I'm so glad your 'puter wasn't as sick as you thought it was and that you'll be able to be back online now and then. I've had a lot of fun reading your work on that writing site, and I had even more fun trying to sign up and make my own page and post a poem of my own! You can laugh if you wanna!

Welcome back GreyWolf!! Your true and faithful friend,


~Faithful

 

[GreyWolf]

Hey guys.

I haven't really been around for a while. I'm sorry. I have been really depressed and sleeping much of the time. I have been spending all day in bed.

Also, I have been a little afraid to post. I used to be on a Christian forum where I talked about my suicidal feelings. At first, they were very supportive, but after a while they got sick of me and accused me of just wanting attention. I thought that if I told you guys that I'm still struggling with suicidal feelings you might feel the same way. I've been hurt a lot by Christians and although everyone's been wonderful on this site, I'm still afraid of being hurt. I wanted to leave while I still had good memories of CF. Does that make any sense?

I'm still definitely struggling with the suicidal feelings. It's been a constant battle. A few days ago I found out that my rental assistence runs out in 2 1/2 years, and I have no idea what I'll do then. I may have to move into a mental health group home. I was in one once and it was a nightmare. I always said I'd never go back.

The exterminator was coming yesterday and I seriously thought about doing suicide because I told myself that if he found me, my parents wouldn't have to. But I didn't do it, (obviously)

It occured to me that I really must want to live deep down, although a big part of me stil wants to die. Otherwise why would I be reaching out to people for help? It's almost like I want to be saved from it. I want someone to help me, take away all the pain I am feeling (its a lot) and talk me out of it.

Not only that, but I'm scared. I talked to my friend who is a nurse, and she told me that the method I was going to do is actually very painful and slow, not like the quick death I thought it was. So why am I still tempted to do it? Also, I am kind of afraid of hell. I'm not a christian, but I was raised as one, and I always learned that nonchristians go to hell when they die. I don't believe in hell, but what if I'm wrong? I don't want to suffer for all eternity. I just don't believe in Jesus, but I worry about being punished if I'm wrong.

Anyway, that is how I'm doing. Wanting to die, fighting those feelings ,not knowign why I bother to fight sometimes. But still here.

 

[Ariel]

Oh GreyWolf (((hug))) I am so glad that you are here.

Please, please don't ever feel like we are "sick of you." That's just a lie. You don't know how much you blessed me just now just by posting. I wish I could reach out through the internet and just give you a hug. Instead I am praying for you, and especially praying that God will reveal Himself to you and show you how very much He loves you.

If ever you asked Jesus Christ to come into your heart and be your Lord and Savior when you were little--then you are still a Christian, even if you are struggling right now. Even if you didn't, the moment you ask Jesus Christ to come in, to forgive you and cleanse you, you belong to Him. The Bible says, "Whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved." That is so true. Call on His name out loud. He will be there, and He will help you.

Like you I also struggled with suicidal thoughts. I'll be truthful. I didn't get better right away. It was hard, it was work, but little by little I climbed out of that dark pit. There were a lot of things that helped me--counseling, medication, prayer, talking to my dear husband. I still remember my husband telling me that he would never get over it if I took my life. Today I look back in horror at what I almost did. I would have hurt my family, my children, my husband for all their lives. If there is only one reason to live, it is that. Your life is precious. Who knows how many people will be helped by your life someday, will be touched by your love, will be blessed by knowing you? You may have children--surely you will. You may have a kind and loving husband, as I do. It is so much worth it to hang on for now. Just another day, one step at a time, take the next step. Because so much good is ahead of you still. Don't miss that.

You mentioned hell. I will not mince words. Yes, there is a hell. The Lord showed it to me one night. I had been presenting the gospel to a young woman who didn't want to listen, and I had gone to bed thinking that maybe I was pushing too hard, that I should just leave her alone.

That night the Lord took me to hell. I was asleep, but I wasn't asleep. This was more than just a dream. I was laying on the edge of a cliff. Below me there was a lake of fire. People were in there screaming. They were being burned continually, they were in constant torment. I will never forget the heat, the awful smell. Then I heard the Lord say in a loud voice, "Preach the Gospel!" and again, "Preach the Gospel!" a third time, "Preach the Gospel." It is NOT God's will for anyone to go to hell. God created hell for Satan, not for human beings. But Satan takes the people there who belong to him. He comes to kill, steal and destroy--that is his plan.

I awoke from this dream that was not a dream shaken, completely drenched with sweat. I have never before or since had a dream like that. That was the Lord. He had told me to preach the Gospel, and not to back down. So I kept on presenting the Gospel to this young woman, and just a few days later she accepted Christ as her Lord and Savior, and then was baptized. That was the turning point in her life.

GreyWolf, I will not lie to you. You do need Jesus Christ, if you have not already accepted Him as your Lord and Savior. I care about you too much to say otherwise. Accepting Christ does not mean that all of a sudden your life will get easy. But it does mean that you will have VICTORY in Christ over every ugly thing that raises up its head against you.

I am praying for you. Be blessed, dear one. (((hug)))

 

[madison1101]

Good Morning,
I am new on this forum, but I have both bipolar disorder and alcoholism. I just want you to know that I empathize with the suicidal thoughts and feelings, as I have had them often in the past. I encourage you to talk to your therapist about them when they come up, and be honest about your intentions. He/she is best to talk to about these things.

I know what worked for me was to think about my Lord, and how much He loves me. I also would meditate on certain scripture verses that have special meaning to me, like Psalm 139, and Jeremiah 29:11.

God bless.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[bipolarbear]

I am not quite sure if this is a for everybody check in type of therad. Anyway, I am stilll here, riding the rollar coaster...

 

[Ariel]

I'm glad you're here!

 

[GreyWolf]

Hi bipolar bear. It wasn't originally a check in thread, but it might as well be one.

So anyway, thanks for checking in

 

[Jeshu]

Good to see you around!

Be courageous,
Continue living,
God's glory,
You are!
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