Check this one out

[Humbledmac]

"Run!" screamed Dad. I didn't at first. i couldn't. they were fearsome looking. their orange eyes seemed to burn into me, paralyzed me. they had finally caught us. after all these years of hiding, running, changing our names. they had found us. They wanted it. but we coudn't give it to them. Not after Mom died for it.
My name-my real name-is Charlie Wilson. And my father, Harry Wilson, and i carry the one thing that can set the world free. set it free from them. The Overlords. they have plagued the world with diseases, then offered cures for them. they oppress us. we have sat back and did nothing. but the time for had come finally. and IT had to be released to the world. to purify it. the Glow had to be released.

So what do ya'll think? Do you want me to finish it.

 

[crazyforchrist]

That's really good. You've got me hooked.

Definitely finish it!


*Rebekah*

 

[Godskid247]

Really good stuff here! You've got me interested!

 

[Thirddayfan4eva]

good

 

[Humbledmac]

Alright here is the end:




My father stood against thirty Overlords. they were dressed in sharp black suits, while my father wore nothing but a t-shirt covered in blood-his blood-and ripped jeans. in his right hand he held a sword which shimmered as the sun reflected off it. in his left he held the Glow. a candle that could never be extinguished.
We stood on the the roof of a skyscraper. we had come a long way. battled for years. We have fought the Overlords and their dark veil over the world for what seems like an age. many great warriors have fallen. even to the very end they stood strong, giving us one last chance.
So now my father was the last of them. and he alone had to carry the light. or so i thought.
"Son," he called to me behind him. i could see a tear drip down his cheek. never had i seen my father cry. it caused tears to well in my eyes.
"Dad."
"You have to do it. i'll hold them off. but you have to do it."
I couldn't believe what he was saying. An ancient prophecy told of a great warrior who would send the last Flame into the sky, and release the hold of the dark Overlord. As a child i'd always believed it to be my father. So you can imagine my surprise to hear what he was asking of me.
"Son, you can do it." and without warning he tossed the Glow to me.
The events that happened next were so sudden, but felt as if were in slow motion. as the candle rotated in the air, the Overlords charged like an unstoppable force. my father, with a warrior's cry charged back. He was able to destroy five before falling.
by then, the candle was in my grasp. The light was not hot. it was warm, soothing. I suddenly found a new found strength.
With one last look at my enemies, i turned and ran for the edge. i lept as far as i could.
The light grew stronger and stronger until it was blinding. it then began to subside, and as my vision returned, i beheld a wonderous site. the darkness that once covered my blessed world now was replaced with a wonderous light. the sun.
A great rejoicing came from below as people in the streets were in the presence of the refreshing light. as for me, given wings now, flew off into the distance. My life complete.



So, give me your honest opinions.

 

[crazyforchrist]

That was a very good story, but I think it needs to be longer, filled in a little more with detail. It almost sounds like an opening scene rather than an ending. It needs some more work, like setting, explanations, so i know the circumstances surrounding the plot. It's very good otherwise. Just add to it and fill it in with more detail.

*Rebekah*

 

[Humbledmac]

Thanks for the advice. trust me i wanted to make it longer but it would have taken all day.

 

[austinm08]

That sounds really great! I'm not an expert.. so I really don't have any good advice to give you like crazyforchrist did.. but I liked it.. it was very interesting.. sounds like something that could be published.. great job.

 

[Martin the Jadi]

Very hooking. You should start a story like that. But I thought you should of been just a little more descriptive.

 

[lsholes]

Readers will feel cheated if you don't tell them, show them, how it started, who they are, how did they get in this position. You have a great scene. Think of it this way. This scene is like you being at the top of the mountain. Now look down. How did you get there. That's the rest of the story. You wrote the end. So, look down the mountain for the rest of the story.
Good luck
Lynn
www.grailconspiracy.com

 

[boxers]

wow dude I really liked that I agree with the others about it needing to be longer if you wrote a book about it I would read it

 

[Humbledmac]

Thanks everybody. i think i'll do that