If this is in the wrong spot, my apologies and feel free to move it. This is tough to admit, but 3 years ago I stepped out on my marriage. I engaged in a 4 month affair with another married woman. Usually it does not matter who initiated the affair, but please stay with me. She pursued me for a couple of months at work before I took the bait. Knowing she was married, and she knew I was married. Eventually we were found out and the affair ended. Naturally, my marriage was in trouble. We had been married for 13 years. We managed to work through it and move on, getting back into church (we had always gone, but I stopped when the affair started). She lives in another town and later on quit work and that was that. During the months between getting caught and her quitting her job, it was evident that she had begun another affair, or a couple of them. Honestly, I was relieved knowing that she wouldn't came after me anymore if she had other men to play with. I felt terrible for my wife, and her husband for what I had done. When I saw her other affairs, I couldn't help but think of how her husband was being treated...and he doesn't even know. He is a high ranking official in the military. Recently, she has started to call me from a new number to hide any evidence from her husband. I've told her to stop calling me, but she occasionally calls or texts. I know it's her, but I can't prove it. I have zero doubt that she continues to cheat on her husband, all while he thinks that they have moved past it. She told me that he drug her to a Christian counselor on base and she pretended to get something out of it. Her husband is completely blind to it. Having been a willing participant in the only affair he's aware of, there is no way to can call him or inform him. Yet I have this longing to right my wrong as best I can, and somehow let him know. I know I would want to be told. Knowing what she is doing to him and doing nothing makes me feel like a player all over again. Any advice would be much appreciated!
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Cheating spouse
- Thread starter sawyerbrownlive
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While I'm sorry for your respective spouses. I hope their lives improve from the place you both dragged them to. I hope any kids you both have don't learn from your example, and were not wounded in the crossfire.
In the meantime, I've been married for 25 years to the same man, and never once thought about cheating. Our married/de facto friends are long termers and non-cheaters, too. All atheist leftie liberals. The power of god to put people on the moral high ground is awesome
In the meantime, I've been married for 25 years to the same man, and never once thought about cheating. Our married/de facto friends are long termers and non-cheaters, too. All atheist leftie liberals. The power of god to put people on the moral high ground is awesome
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Let's be clear on one thing....I'm not seeking your sympathy. Your original message stated "I'm not sorry for you" but I see that you elected to omit it, but not before I saw it. Secondly, you cannot say with certainty that your friends are non-cheaters too. You can hope and believe that they are better than that, but you don't know. And thirdly, I came to a Christian forum seeking a wise and Christian perspective. Clearly I'm sorry for what I did...I'm pretty sure I captured that in the original post. I see you did nothing to help with the question I had or offer anything except judgment, which is what so many Christians are good at these days. God tells us that looking at someone with lust....anything other than "he/she looks nice today" is adultery and evil. Maybe you can say that you've gone through your life able to turn away each time someone attractive is in your view, or maybe you will be surprised when God shows you how imperfect you really are. And you might be surprised to learn that your perfect marriage friends, aren't really so perfect. I came here seeking advice....not sympathy and not a reminder of what I did wrong. I dealt with this 3 years ago...I turned to Christ and he pulled me through. He gave my wife renewed strength and love. He opened our eyes, taught us, healed us, and has become the center of our lives again. You can try to pull be back to that horrible place and remind me of my past. You can elect to not show grace or support or kindness. I'm more interested in what our God is doing, and what he has already done. If I was pleased with myself and didn't care about my actions, I would not be seeking council and I wouldn't care about a husband that I don't know.
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MoonofIsaiah
LET YOUR SMILE CHANGE THE WORLD NOT VICE VERSA
I think if a person strays to the point of sex with a different love then they should take the hint; the current committed relationship is empty of this....and that list that fills the __________________ @ the end of 'this' are all those qualities about the other person. That other person is the one chosen to fill the holes.
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2 responses, and yet neither has chosen to offer advice on what (if anything) I should do regarding telling or not telling the husband. Just people that don't know me, us, or the situation, explaining to me who doesn't cheat and the dynamics of who does cheat. For all intense purposes, I'm a pretty smart guy. My wife is pretty smart. We are well known in our church and have a widespread of friends that would be shocked to learn of any of this. I know I shouldn't have done it, and it regret it. I also know why people cheat, and I know why I did it. There are thousands of successful marriages that have a cheating or near cheating story somewhere in their past that tested them, and turned to Christ to strengthen them.
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MoonofIsaiah
LET YOUR SMILE CHANGE THE WORLD NOT VICE VERSA
For my part I was speaking to the symptoms that lead to cheating. Personal opinion of course.
If you want specifics advising you about real life, maybe think of that old script regarding sins and casting stones.
Live your life. Who are you to inform as an admitted cheat anyone else of a cheat in their family?
If you want specifics advising you about real life, maybe think of that old script regarding sins and casting stones.
Live your life. Who are you to inform as an admitted cheat anyone else of a cheat in their family?
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That's in part my question. I'm nobody....except the person that his wife cheated with and now has started contacting me again. I think that's pretty substantial. In his mind, she broke it off with me, left her job, has forgotten about me. That has enabled him to forgive her and move on. Guessing of course. If he knew that not only was she sleeping around with others, but that she apparently isn't over the very guy that he does know about....well, I think that puts me in a position to tell him. Maybe not. I could careless that she's still cheating on him. I feel bad for him, but I've got my own life to worry about. But she has inserted me again by calling and texting me.
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MoonofIsaiah
LET YOUR SMILE CHANGE THE WORLD NOT VICE VERSA
Have you reiterated to her that it is over between you? Now that she's making fresh contact?
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I certainly have. Then she waits a month and calls or texts again. Most of the time she's just playing it off as wanting to be friends....she misses hearing me talk...blah blah. She and I cannot be friends. End of story. She waits and then does it again. I know that she thinks I will eventually give in like I did 3 years ago. She was friendly, hit on me, I did a good job of not letting her get too close, and after a few months...I gave in. She is probably hoping for the same thing. If my wife was making contact with another guy...especially a guy that I know she has feelings for...I would want to know.
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Darkhorse
just horsing around
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You right the wrong by turning your back on this episode, and moving forward with God's guidance to be the best husband you can (which doesn't mean much without God's help). Do not answer her calls or texts; delete them.
Don't whip yourself; pray instead. Work towards being in constant communication with God.
If her husband is smart enough to be high-ranking in the military, he probably knows what kind of woman he's married to...
If you want only "Christian" replies, there are "Christian only" areas to post threads, such as "Christian Advice" in the "Edification" section.
Don't whip yourself; pray instead. Work towards being in constant communication with God.
If her husband is smart enough to be high-ranking in the military, he probably knows what kind of woman he's married to...
If you want only "Christian" replies, there are "Christian only" areas to post threads, such as "Christian Advice" in the "Edification" section.
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I appreciate the response. I thought being on a Christian website in a Christian forum would get me a Christian reply. If it's under the wrong section, I started my post by saying it could get moved where it needs to go. I/we have moved on, under Gods guidance. She isn't calling or texting from her cell phone, but rather a calling card or something that shows a different number. I don't always know it's her. That would be easy.
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Chill out.. people make typo's all the time or read their own post and then realize they don't agree with their own words.. He changed it on his own so relax. It doesn't mean anything.
My advice would be to mind your own business and keep out of the other guy's marriage or problems. Worry about your own, and leave it at that.
What I'm actually surprised about is that you didn't come to this conclusion yourself.. Its not rocket science.
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Cearbhall
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I think the best way to go about it would be to inform him that she's trying to contact you again and restart the affair. I don't think it's your place to tell him about the other men if you aren't a good friend of his, but telling him what you know for sure will at least alert him to the fact that she hasn't changed.
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You said you were going to church when it happened yes? Seems like you were under "gods guidance" when it started.. How well did that work out for you?
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It's not that simple of a conclusion either. As you can see, there is already a response that doesn't agree with yours. 1 day I think it's best to just drop it, knowing she will get tired and move on for good. The next day, in particular those days when she contacts me, I feel like I owe it to him to inform him.
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The response that disagrees with mine is wrong.
Ignore her.. if her attempts to contact you begin to affect your life ( like your wife finds out and gets upset or whatever), file a restraining order against her. Until then, best to keep your mouth shut and mind your own business.
Do not attempt to use the restraining order as an excuse to inform her husband. STAY OUT OF IT..
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Going to church is hardly the same as being under Gods guidance. On the contrary, I was going to church b/c it was the right thing to do on sunday mornings. It had become routine. My heart wasn't in it. For 2 or 3 months this girl tried to get to me. Yea, I messed up. I also think God prevented me from just jumping to it at her first move towards me. I wasn't praying for my marriage, or my wife. I wasn't seeking wisdom or guidance. I was going through the motions. I learned, the hard way, that church isn't a habit. It's not a place or building. And marriage needs continued effort and work. I can't get too comfortable and relaxed. Satan is waiting to take advantage. I should have turned to God for guidance when I recognized her advances. I should have seeked him and prayed and confided in my wife. Like Peter, I took my eyes off of him and began to look down...and around...and I began to sink. All the while, knowing what I should do. But I let my own desires and temptations take over. That's on me. That was not poor guidance.
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How can you be so sure? Because you said so? I happen to agree with the response that disagrees with you. For instance, if her attempts to contact me begin to affect my life (like when my wife finds out)....isn't that hiding something? That's exactly what got me in this situation to begin with. And if/when my wife finds out...is she going to trust me when I tell her that I've been ignoring her? Probably not. And for good reason. Why wait until it affects my life? Why not pull the plug on it and end it before it starts to affect me?
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MoonofIsaiah
LET YOUR SMILE CHANGE THE WORLD NOT VICE VERSA
And then what? You tell her husband that she's wanting to contact you again? Prove it, for one thing. And if he knows she cheated on him how do you know he's not now returning the betrayal his own self?
Take care of your own life. You'll tell him so that he acts as some type of parent and stops her from contacting you?
Change your number. Be fully open with your wife about this happening now despite your rebuffs. Also it could be seen as harassment.
Tell her in no uncertain terms to stop contacting you. Then don't tell her this, change your number.
That should send the message. What's her husband going to do if you tell him?
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Why not just tell your wife she's trying to contact you? Now if she starts having a real affect like showing up at your work or home, then you need to take action.. Until then, be honest (or not) with your wife that she's trying to contact you and that you are not replying.. then block her number! how hard is that?
Your replies are giving me the impression you're looking for an excuse to get back into the mix with her and you want people in this forum to validate your excuse or you need to do something to make yourself feel better..
Buck up.. take responsibility for your actions, learn from them, move on, move forward.. stop wasting your time thinking about it.
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