Cheating Boyfriend?

[LaurelLynn]

I'm pretty sure I already know the answer to this question, but I just have to hear it from somebody else. I'm really just venting.

First of all what are your opinions about what constitutes as cheating? Does it have to be physical?

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years. We've been talking about marriage lately and it has caused me to take some serious thought of some past problems.

It's very confusing for me. My boyfriend is a youth leader, etc. He's the one that got me into Church. But about a year into the relationship I found out he had been asking out women behind my back over a site similar to Myspace. He knew the women. He lied to me about it before he figured out that he was caught and admitted it. He apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. I forgave him since nothing physical had actually happened.

However, yesterday I found an e-mail from another woman to him. It insinuated that he had been calling her in a flirtatious manner, but that nothing physical had happened. She asked him to stop calling before it went any further. I just feel betrayed, lied to, deceived, but I Love him.

 

[quitespirit]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position after 3 years. What constitutes a man cheating on me, quitespirit style:
1-Confiding in another woman things he is withholding from me
2-Developing a relationship of emotional support specifically from another woman
3-Treating another woman in any way that he would not treat his own sister.

That's all it takes for me! I am a Christian and so will be any SO of mine. I would hold him to biblical standards and God provides for #1 and 2 through his brothers. For the sake of propriety and any avoiding temptation from either party I personally do not spend time alone with men. I can't think of one good reason to need to do so, but a few reasons I may not want to.

This is just me, and I am not in your shoes. I hope you can find peace in however you approach this. Can you speak to your pastor?

Peace
Lianne

 

[LaurelLynn]

I just keep thinking that if he continually promises that it will stop, but it keeps happening, why would marriage change that?

I apologize for posting all of this, but I don't feel as if I can talk to my friends and I just don't feel that I have anyone else to talk to other than God. Talking to God helps, but I just found this site and decided that it might feel good to vent. I just can't help but feel that these few years I have been putting everything that I have into this relationship has been nothing but fake.

 

[fred414]

i'd consider that cheating

 

[K9_Trainer]

I agree with Lynn.

My previous boyfriend was a cheater. I was warned he was with another girl by my current bf, and he left me for her. Later on, I got all the "I'm so sorry, I can't believe how stupid I was choosing her over you, I hate myself for what I did" etc, etc, etc. I took him back and not long after I did that, he left me for another girl AGAIN, although at least that time he told me goodbye first (he didn't really have a choice, I knew he was interested in her, but he chose me over her) And that was a stupid decision on my part, to say yes to him knowing that he had feelings for another girl and he was "choosing".

I'm not trying to say "once a cheater, always a cheater", but it's true that if he did it once, odds are he'll do it again. Don't fool yourself into thinking that your love for him will make everything ok, or that marraige would put an end to it. From my own personal experience, I'd say get out of that relationship and find a guy who will be as loyal to you as you are to your current bf because that's what you deserve.

It's your decision though. My prayers will be with you.

 

[quitespirit]

Ok, I have a suggestion. It sounds like the relationship between you guys is not super clear. After three years you guys are talkig about marriage, but have you set goals and made plans? Are you in premarital counseling?

If you are still interested in possibly marrying him I would get real serious real quick. "Dude, I feel disrespected by *blank*. I love you and want to make this work. So if you want to continue investing in us I need you to address this issue and we need to begin marriage counseling. Or there's the door." Ofcourse, you could be nicer then that

I just don't see the point of tryin to work on it after three years unless it is truely going somewhere. Just my 2 cents, take it with a grain of salt!

God luck!

ps-after 3 years why don't you feel comfortable talking to your pastor? That concerns me

 

[LaurelLynn]

ps-after 3 years why don't you feel comfortable talking to your pastor? That concerns me

It isn't anything against the pastor. I don't know, I've had bad experiences with church when was younger. Usually people who see it as more of a social club than a church. This is actually the first church I've ever felt comfortable in. I guess it is just my own issue. I'm working on it though.

 

[Blank123]

cheating doesn't have to be physical. if it were my bf and if he were seeking or giving out romantic interest/attention to anyone but me in whatever way(flirting, dating, etc...) i'd consider that cheating because we are in a committed relationship and he would be betraying my trust and making what we have nothing at all in order to seek after something new. and its certainly sounds like thats what this guy is doing in your situation. you deserve better than that and any future kids you have deserve a better dad than that - few things hurt a child more than to watch their parents in a dysfunctional relationship.

i'm sorry to say this because i can only imagine how much this is hurting you but if after 3 years he doesn't know what it is to be faithful to the women he says he wants to marry he won't have any clue how to be faithful after you say 'i do.'

 

[Angeldove97]

Well you're lucky to have found out that he does this BEFORE getting married. I think that perhaps you should talk to the Pastor about this and then together talk to him about it. Personally, if he's in a committed relationship--- he's sinning against you and God by lusting/flirting with other women (even online). You never know if one day it might lead to something worse-- like actual physical cheating.

I'd do something about this now--- in case you realize you can't be with him as wife and husband.

 

[barefeetonholyground]

My definition:
-as quietspirit pointed out, treating another woman in the way he would not treat his own sister
-giving another woman any for of intimacy that he would not give me (even if it's just a very deep conversation)
-knowingly putting himself in a situation where people would question his integrity
Honesty I think you need to let this guy go. As many times as you've warned him he won't stop. I don't think it's going to change the fourth time you tell him.

 

[Weasel7711]

Cheating is usually an emotional thing way before its a physical thing. It's important to guard yourself, whether you are a man or a woman from strong emotional attatchments to members of the opposite sex.
Looking at his behavior and the way he responds to your questions about it is that he is perfectly fine with continuing it if and when you two get married. As a Christian he should know better, especially lying to a spouse. I am a huge advocate of forgiveness (which should always happen, especially as a Christian) and people staying together and working through problems, but it will only work if both people are honest about any problems they have and are actively working to fix them, otherwise its better off that you just break up with him.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Forgive him. But do not forget. Leave him. He's not going to quit. It's already happened once and it's going to happen again.