Cheating and divorce

[godservant]

I have been married over a decade. We have three kids now. After the birth of our first, our sex life died - almost completely. I ended up cheating on my wife and she knows about it - well kinda. I haven't told her everything, but I have repented. I cannot bring myself to tell her everything - no way. Today, her and I are christains and our sex life is totally dead - none whatsoever.

My question is this: Can I divorce my wife if I was the one who commited adultery?

I ask because it seems absolutely hopeless for us. I think the reason she is still with me is fear of being alone.

 

[Tangnefedd]

Do you want to divorce your wife because you don't have a sex life? Surely the way to go is counselling first. You need to explain how you feel and she needs a chance to explain why she doesn't want sex anymore. Affairs happen, but you say that your wife knows about it -"well kinda", what exactly does that mean? You both need to do some serious talking before you take any kind of drastic step like divorce.

 

[oldrooster]

If it is something that can be worked through, if she can possibly find forgiveness for you, working it out is always the best alternitive. Divorce is always the last final resort.

 

[Macca]

I have been married over a decade. We have three kids now. After the birth of our first, our sex life died - almost completely. I ended up cheating on my wife and she knows about it - well kinda. I haven't told her everything, but I have repented. I cannot bring myself to tell her everything - no way. Today, her and I are christains and our sex life is totally dead - none whatsoever.

My question is this: Can I divorce my wife if I was the one who commited adultery?

I ask because it seems absolutely hopeless for us. I think the reason she is still with me is fear of being alone.

What did you go into the marriage for? I understand that sex is a large part of marriage, but only as you give, not as you take.
BE aware that you are as obliged to forgive your wife as she is to forgive you.If you went into the marriage for only what you get out of it, you have the wrong motives. It should be for what you can put into it.
Macca.

 

[cutekid 4 Jesus]

It should really be your wife on here considering divorce,im sorry but i got no time for people who cheat on their partners and then have the cheek to say oh its hopeless now,maybe you took that final bit of hope out with your cheating;as it is the onus is on you to take steps to rebuild it-I suggest COMMUNICATION. Your wife doesnt sound as if she has much self-esteem if she 'kinda knows' and doesnt seem to have taken steps to give you a warning to straighten up as well as looking at what is lacking in your marriage to turn you away,no wonder your marriage is suffering.One person is looking for an escape clause and the other seems kinda lifeless about the whole thing.sheesh.

 

[bkg]

My question is this: Can I divorce my wife if I was the one who commited adultery?

I ask because it seems absolutely hopeless for us. I think the reason she is still with me is fear of being alone.

NO. No you cannot.

You ask not because it's hopeless, but because YOU are looking for a way out. You are married - one flesh - until death do you part! Not until one of you gets bored or isn't willing to work on it anymore... Remember that "for better or worse" part?

Sorry if I'm projecting, but I have zero sympathy for anyone who looks into divorce as a way out of keeping a promise. None. Zip. Zilch. Maybe it's because I didn't want my divorce and I still don't.

 

[Warrior Poet]

I have been married over a decade. We have three kids now. After the birth of our first, our sex life died - almost completely. I ended up cheating on my wife and she knows about it - well kinda. I haven't told her everything, but I have repented. I cannot bring myself to tell her everything - no way. Today, her and I are christains and our sex life is totally dead - none whatsoever.

Dude I am gonna do my best to remain calm. YOU MESSED UP...... My man I have to say please do you, your kids, your wife and most of all God, a favor and own up. There is a sweet way to say this but Im not going to..... The problem with married men in situations like this is they give up.... wives/women aren't intrested in quitters. Thats what you are doing you are quitting your marriage. Not cool. Not at all.

My question is this: Can I divorce my wife if I was the one who commited adultery?

Sure you can.... getting a divorce is easy. Legitimizing it to Dude Up Stairs....well..... thats between you and Him. Do YOU think the reason above is legit?

I ask because it seems absolutely hopeless for us. I think the reason she is still with me is fear of being alone.

Its hopeless when one partner gives up, its impossible when they both do. Thats what has happened here. You gave up in inside a long time ago.... and your wife saw it. The cheating was simply to say... the next step. I would say this is pretty high on your "Regret List" and I by no means want to rub salt in the wound. But let it register.... you cant save this on your own, its a two way street.... but if one person "mans up" ( PUN INTENDED) and lets the reality of the promise and covenant made to each other in front of God... then you have moved to hopeless.... away from impossible. The part here is that this starts with FULL OPEN TRUTH... the past is the past, but you owe it to her to let her know what she wants to know. If she looks past it but remains "without the fire"..... You have to keep trying..... you just have to.

Counseling, retreats, books, classes, joint hobbies....... there is a list of thing to do and try if you just look, God doesn't want you fail, I don't want you to fail, if you give it all you have and she still leaves..... IMO you did EXACTLY what you were suppose to. But don't ever give up ....... you aren't a quitter.

Warrior Poet

 

[desi]

I agree with Warrior Poet. You screwed up, need to admit it to her and ask her for forgiveness. It won't be fun but it will be better than living the lie.

 

[E-beth]

Amen WP!

From the Biblical standpoint, if you divorce her you will have to be celibate until the day she dies or else you and anyone else you end up with will be committing adultery.

It could be that the reason she hasn't left you is not the fear of being alone as much as she loves you and wants to stay your wife. I know from experience that what she is doing is incredibly difficult. I myself couldn't even do it. You have been blessed with a tenacious and forgiving wife. I think you ought to look past the bedroom and into your hearts to work out what problems there are besides leading to intimacy issues.

I wish you the very best and I will be praying for you.

 

[desi]

Sex after adultery becomes known by the other spouse can happen. You have to talk to her. You have to show and reassure her it is possible. It requires sensitivity and patience. Its a matter of time healing wounds and God's grace after your sincere repentence. Giving up on your wife based on a reaction to your infidelity seems; to say it nicely, wrong.

 

[brokenbananas]

Godservant,

God loves you so much. He wants you to forgive yourself, which to me, doesn't sound like you have. You have control to do something about your sex life. But, I have a feeling this runs much deeper than this.

What is it you feel? You can't just walk away from this marriage because you made a commitment to your wife...and you have 3 children. They need you to rectify this situation. Really. What is truly going through your mind? God can restore your marriage to better than what it was ever. However, you must be completely submitted to God.

I know. I've been there. I was in a miserable marriage and I ended up cheating on my husband. I was completely in the wrong. He forgave me. We were both Christians. However, I couldn't believe what I had done, could not accept my ex-husband's forgiveness, nor could I forgive myself. I divorced him. I was wrong on every single account. I cannot undo what I did. But, I can learn from it and I have.

Make your relationship right with God. Pray. Seek God. Work on your communication with your wife. Learn to listen. Ask your church to pray for you.

Prayerfully in Christ,
Doris