Changing

[PetLuv]

I have been seeing a very nice guy for a while, I've known him for a year, and we have dated for about 6 months.

My question is about what would you think if someone told you they wanted to change for you. He told me this about 3 months ago, went to a Doc and started some medication. I told him that I didn't ask him to change in anyway, but he argued that he isn't good enough...
If he wanted to do this for him I think I would not have been as bothered by it, but the fact that he says he did it for me bothers me quite a bit.

Just wondering if that is me having a bad reaction to that comment, or if it really is how others would respond to such a statement.

 

[GQ Chris]

What is he changing?

 

[mina]

yeah, what is he changing?

 

[PetLuv]

He doesn't like the way he thinks, and believes he has ADD, so he started a medication to "control his random/scatered thoughts".

 

[EazyMack]

That's certainly something he should want to work on for his own best interest, not someone else's. But other than that, seems harmless... no? Does he have other obsessive tendencies that make you feel he is putting too much stock into you?

 

[GQ Chris]

Oh man, that does sound like a valid concern.

 

[mina]

It would concern me too if he's just getting help for this now b/c you are dating. If you liked him before then it seems you would still like him if he wasn't getting help. Maybe it was many factors contribuiting or leading up to him finally getting help for what was bothering him and this relationship just confirmed it. I don't know.... I would talk to him.

 

[PetLuv]

I haven't noticed anything else strange, but he lives in Texas and I live in AZ so most of when we talk is on email/phone. It is not very easy to see strange things if he doesn't volenteer them.
I was going to bring it up with him, but wanted to get some others opinions before I do. I don't want to go from my own feelings but by whether this is as disconserting as it seems.

 

[stephanieamber]

The thing about medication is that so many people think that it changes you and turns you into a completely different person. It doesn't.

If he's doing it for YOU, then that (in my opinion) is weird. I'm all for being inspired to change because of your interaction with someone, but I don't think it should necessarily be talked about.. especially before the 'change' has been made.

 

[mina]

I know that you said "he believes" he has ADD. Does his doctor agree? I mean it's one thing to think that and think you need meds for it, but it's another thing to actually have that confirmed.

 

[Tink]

Just to play devil's advocate - perhaps caring about you so much has allowed him to learn that these things need changed. I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing...

 

[GQ Chris]

does this guy hear voices in his head?

 

[trentlogain2]

i have five days left on my medication. someone please pray that i will be able to get a refill. they cant get me in to see a doctor until october and im already feelin' loopy. mostly self-willed i admit but i theres noone to make me laugh anymore and whenever i resort to my own de3vices its scary

 

[PetLuv]

I know that you said "he believes" he has ADD. Does his doctor agree? I mean it's one thing to think that and think you need meds for it, but it's another thing to actually have that confirmed.

He went to an ADD clinic and they said he was fine, even great.
He then went to a doctor and got a prescription, which it did change him, but he seems more disoriented now then before he started it. I did mention that to him, lightly; because he says it helps him with work.

Chris - I think I asked him something like that once before and he said no.

 

[kevlite2020]

Petluv, I did this in the past to a girlfriend who I very much loved, and it was different things I was changing, but the principal I think was the same. I quit smoking pot and cigarettes, I cut down on getting drunk, a lot of things like that for this girl without being asked to. I didn't do it because I wanted to do it, I very much enjoyed all those things at that time and had no other motivation to quit them than her.

I think it comes down to, it's easy to let some problems go a bit when I'm the only one that has to deal with them. But once I have a girlfriend, I get more into a family mode, realizing that my actions and my issues don't effect just me anymore, so I'm more willing to change some things about me to better myself for my (hopefully) future wife. I'm not saying that this is certainly that kind of situation, that's just what it seems like to me. Hoping that makes sense.

 

[Blank123]

the fact that he's pushing for this prescription against medical advice would be a big concern. I know how much ADD can affect someone's life when they actually have it and if they seek medical help for that great. but those are pretty powerful drugs to be passing out willy-nilly to anyone who just asks for it. I'd be wondering why he's so intent on getting those drugs.

 

[amariselle]

I think it's very important to take into consideration the feelings of those around you in regard to potentially harmful things you are doing...but I do not believe that that should be the only reason you make a major change, and not the most important reason you do so.

I am very uncomfortable with the idea of a guy changing something like that about himself for me. I've been in situations like that in the past, and when I thought it through I realized that it was not okay with me.

It's fine if we've talked about it, and he respects and cares about how I feel and takes that into account, but what isn't okay is when I become the main reason he decides to do something, I feel then that so much weight is put on me, almost a responsibility to deserve such a level of commitment and change in someone else.

So basically, I believe that another person should never be your main reason for such an adjustment. You have to come to a realization within yourself that the change would really be better for YOU, whether or not you are dating and wanting to please someone else. Only God should be the focus of such a commitment. That's how I feel anyway.

 

[deepgreen11]

I haven't noticed anything else strange, but he lives in Texas and I live in AZ so most of when we talk is on email/phone. It is not very easy to see strange things if he doesn't volenteer them.
I was going to bring it up with him, but wanted to get some others opinions before I do. I don't want to go from my own feelings but by whether this is as disconserting as it seems.

have you met him in person yet or has it been online?

He went to an ADD clinic and they said he was fine, even great.
He then went to a doctor and got a prescription, which it did change him, but he seems more disoriented now then before he started it. I did mention that to him, lightly; because he says it helps him with work.

Chris - I think I asked him something like that once before and he said no.

the fact that he's pushing for this prescription against medical advice would be a big concern. I know how much ADD can affect someone's life when they actually have it and if they seek medical help for that great. but those are pretty powerful drugs to be passing out willy-nilly to anyone who just asks for it. I'd be wondering why he's so intent on getting those drugs.

this. i'm very concerned. keep an eye out for other obsessive behavior. keep an eye out for depression, moodiness, etc.

 

[visionary]

Anytime someone says they are going it for you... it usually comes with a price tag.... especially in a relationship... you can not be bought.. and you need to be clear with him that whatever he does,... you owe him nothing for doing it.

 

[Luther073082]

He went to an ADD clinic and they said he was fine, even great.
He then went to a doctor and got a prescription, which it did change him, but he seems more disoriented now then before he started it. I did mention that to him, lightly; because he says it helps him with work.

Chris - I think I asked him something like that once before and he said no.

Did you like him how he was before better? Maybe you should say that to him.

I can understand the feeling of not being good enough for someone. And making beneficial changes to yourself for them, because you love them is a good thing. However I'm afraid that he might be a little off on what is actually wrong with him. Or he's made a change that makes things worse and not better.

Anytime someone says they are going it for you... it usually comes with a price tag.... especially in a relationship... you can not be bought.. and you need to be clear with him that whatever he does,... you owe him nothing for doing it.

Not to discount this, but I've never been in a situation like this. I don't think he is expecting something out of her so much as he's unhappy about something. Sometimes love gives us a great motivator to change ourselves for the better because we care about someone.

However my concern is more that the change he is making is not really a change for the better.