Changes in Life

[secretdawn]

I am 22 and have a 2 year old daughter. I have recently decided to leave her father because we fight all the time and I am not happy. I also do not think it is the best situation for my daughter. My problem is that, my best friend seems to be judging me all the time. She acts like she knows what is best for me and gets upset with me when I do things she doesn't like or doesn't think I should do. These are things that don't have to do with morals or anything...just personal preferences and decisions people must make in their lives. I know there is no real right or wrong, only what is right for me or right for her, and that will differ. I feel like she thinks she is better than me and she has practically said so. She isn't just my best friend, but she is my only friend. For the most part she has always been the only one who really understand me, but lately she has been coming down on me a lot. I don't know how to tell her how I feel, cause I know her well enough to know she will blow up on me. She is a very defensive and tempermental person at times, especially when someone gets upset with her, and it is hard for her to see when she is wrong. I know she is a good person and a good friend but with the break up and everything changing in my life right now, there is a lot of stress that she is adding. All I really need right now is someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. I need to feel like I can be myself and be honest and that she isn't going to explode. Does anyone have any advice on what I could do to make this better?

 

[Crazy Liz]

I am 22 and have a 2 year old daughter. I have recently decided to leave her father because we fight all the time and I am not happy. I also do not think it is the best situation for my daughter. My problem is that, my best friend seems to be judging me all the time. She acts like she knows what is best for me and gets upset with me when I do things she doesn't like or doesn't think I should do. These are things that don't have to do with morals or anything...just personal preferences and decisions people must make in their lives. I know there is no real right or wrong, only what is right for me or right for her, and that will differ.

Breaking up a family has nothing whatsoever to do with morals? That sounds like a rather odd thing for a Christian to say.

She isn't just my best friend, but she is my only friend. For the most part she has always been the only one who really understand me, but lately she has been coming down on me a lot.

You need more friends. You need your family, church, and a larger social network so you can get some perspective. Right now, it seems like you have relationships with two adults in your life - your friend and your child's father, and you are in conflict with both of them. Having other people to talk with about yor thoughts will give you a much better perspective. You may also be able to see more options. Having only two significant relationships, both filed with conflict, programs you for either-or thinking. Usually, there are many more choices available to you.

Choosing to post here is a good start. Is there a pastoral counselor your could talk with? An older Christian woman?

When I was in a situation that was in some ways similar, I went to a church-sponsored women's retreat. There, I realized what a mistake I had made in neglecting other relationships. Nobody had to give me any advice. I was just able to think more clearly with a larger group of caring people who weren't part of the main conflict I was dealing with.

 

[secretdawn]

thank you for responding...i wasn't just talking about breaking up, but all other aspects of my life from the fact that i wear little to no make up, and what i wear to how i handle this (she says i should get out, i say i should stay home and cry for a couple days first), and occassionally how i raise my child (she has no children)...i know i need more friends, but i don't know how to make them...i have gone to a church and they reached out to me, but my ex refused to go to any functions and also to stay home so i could go, so i think they gave up on me. it would be nice to have a friend with a kid my age, who understands that i still want to go to a movie and have a life but that i am dedicated to my daughter and that is what comes first, someone as honest as my current best friend, but not as forceful and judgemental as she has become...if that makes sense

 

[mamaneenie]

Hi, I have a 24mth old son, so to an extent I can understand where you are coming from.

Firstly, you must put your child first in anything you do (apart from God of course) It does sound as though that is what you are doing. I don't think there is enough information on your break up with your b/f to really comment on that, but I am sure you have your reasons. Is your b/f still in contact with your daughter? Does he offer help with child support?

I know how hard it can be to get out when you have a little one to care for, especially when you don't have very many friends. The last time I had a night out with just my husband was back in October, so I understand it is hard. As hard as it seems I think the main place where you will find support is your church. Ask someone in leadership to introduce you to families with small children, this is where you will find friends who understand where you are coming from. Some larger churches have playgroups for the children to go and play with the children and the mums can sit and have a chat, while supervising their kids. some churches also have ladies Bible study mornings where the women can study and the children are in a creche run by volunteers. I would be lost without my play group. Although these are often run during the day, and you didn't mention if you work or not.

Also, check the local newspaper, there will be other community activities you can join. You may not necessarily meet other Christians, but you will meet single parents with little kids. What a great opportunity to be friends with other people and maybe eventually share Jesus with them.


I would take everything your friend says with a grain of salt. I have noticed since having my son, I don't have much spare time to make sure I am wearing makeup or the fashionable clothes. My personal income has gone down heaps (I stay at home with my son) and basically my priorities have changed. The fact that she doesn't have kids, doesn't mean you can't be friends with her, but your priorities will be different. Someone who doesn't have children, has no place telling you how to raise your daughter.

I am available to chat more, you can PM me if you want.

 

[Crazy Liz]

thank you for responding...i wasn't just talking about breaking up, but all other aspects of my life from the fact that i wear little to no make up, and what i wear to how i handle this (she says i should get out, i say i should stay home and cry for a couple days first), and occassionally how i raise my child (she has no children)...i know i need more friends, but i don't know how to make them...i have gone to a church and they reached out to me, but my ex refused to go to any functions and also to stay home so i could go, so i think they gave up on me. it would be nice to have a friend with a kid my age, who understands that i still want to go to a movie and have a life but that i am dedicated to my daughter and that is what comes first, someone as honest as my current best friend, but not as forceful and judgemental as she has become...if that makes sense

That's tough. You're right, I did misunderstand some of your first post. I'm sorry. I've had a hard time making friends in many times of my life, too.

Can you go back to church now that you're not with your ex?

 

[secretdawn]

That's tough. You're right, I did misunderstand some of your first post. I'm sorry. I've had a hard time making friends in many times of my life, too.

Can you go back to church now that you're not with your ex?

I can yes...and though I am scared, I will go as often as I can. My ex was a christian. He taught me a lot about it, explained everything I knew from the beginning, and I feel he has fallen away, but he still says he believes, so I guess he is the only one who will know. My best friend is a Christian, but she has been struggling, and doesn't want to talk about it, so I don't pry. I asked her to come to church with me one day, because I would like to experience it with her, and she said she will someday. Is it wrong of me to think if we all went to church all the time, spent time with more Christians and maybe even took bible study together, then it would fix everything?

 

[mamaneenie]

I can yes...and though I am scared, I will go as often as I can. My ex was a christian. He taught me a lot about it, explained everything I knew from the beginning, and I feel he has fallen away, but he still says he believes, so I guess he is the only one who will know. My best friend is a Christian, but she has been struggling, and doesn't want to talk about it, so I don't pry. I asked her to come to church with me one day, because I would like to experience it with her, and she said she will someday. Is it wrong of me to think if we all went to church all the time, spent time with more Christians and maybe even took bible study together, then it would fix everything?

I don't know if it will fix everything, but it will probably help. What do you mean by "fix everything"

 

[secretdawn]

I mean we will all become more open, less selfish, and kinder...and maybe they will stop calling me weak when I hand money to a homeless guy, or forgive the "unforgivable" etc.

 

[Crazy Liz]

Is it wrong of me to think if we all went to church all the time, spent time with more Christians and maybe even took bible study together, then it would fix everything?

None of that will guarantee an easy "fix." Usually there is more pain before a bad relationship gets better (so don't give up just because of pain!), but church is one place many people get the help they need to make the changes they need to make.

The church and the scriptures can both be sources of wisdom. The nature of wisdom is that it doesn't guarantee a better result every single time, but it does increase the good results and decrease the bad ones.

 

[sioleabha]

You say you had to stop going to church because your ex wouldn't watch the baby, is there another church you could go to where you'd be able to bring your son to the functions? In my church we always have the nursery open for all events, and if no one is around to watch the kids, we just bring them with us for whatever we are doing. You may be able to find a church like that, and if so, you may be able to feel more welcome and get more help.

I do think you should speak to a church about your breakup, and look for a way to keep it together. The nuclear family is what God wants for us, and He can help you make it work.

 

[secretdawn]

it wasn't the services...it was the activities, i was usually only invited to couples functions or functions for people my age with out kids, so there wasn't a nursery...