change in fears

[kandcmom]

I usually suffer from harm ocd but lately I have been having a fear of dying and death. I've been questioning in my mind how I will die, will I be in pain, will I live to see my kids grow up, things like that and it terrifies me. We have had a lot of young people in our community die unexpectedly and I think it unnerves me. My mind grabs on to the thoughts and has to process the whole thing.,,,,like how did they feel when they died, when will I die, how will I die and so on and my anxiety goes out of the roof and the stupid thoughts come in to my mind like wishing God would just get it over with so it will be over (kinda like when you have to speak in front of the class and you want to go first so you can get it over with). Even writing this doesn't sound like me. I have always enjoyed life and loved my life and been thankful for all I have and I don't ever want to leave it but I know that everyone has to die eventually so now I seem to have to figure out what that means for me. I don't know if this makes any sense, I feel like I'm rambling but I just wanted to know if anyone else has suffered with this and does it pass like other obsessions. I am on meds and take Ativan as needed for anxiety which helps some but I don't want to be obsessed with this subject. I just want to live life one day at a time and enjoy it and not worry. I want to just not worry (boy, that's a huge statement for an ocd sufferer) Can I please just not worry!

Thanks for listening.
Kathy

 

[Dogperson]

Yes, this same thing happened to me! I also had the harm type OCD prior to that, mostly about checking & rechecking things to prevent harm. But then my mom was diagnosed with bone cancer, it was all over her body, & she died a slow & painful death. So after that my OCD focused on dying. Not so much death itself, like I wasn't afraid of suddenly being hit by a bus & dying instantly or dying peacefully in my sleep. What was scary was the thought of KNOWING I was going to die, like being told I had a terminal illness, also the suffering part. I suddenly became hyper-aware of everything about my body, wondering if certain sensations were normal, if my temperature was normal, etc. I was always checking & feeling different parts of my body to see if they felt the same on both sides. It about drove my family nuts because sometimes I'd want them to let me feel their elbow joint, their skull, etc. & it was annoying to them. I also understand your statement about somtimes just wishing God would take you on & get it over with. I would see somebody in the obituary & it would say something like "John Doe, 39, passed away unexpectedly in his sleep" & I would almost feel envious. I didn't really want to die but I was so afraid of the process of dying that I sort of wanted the Lord to take me the same way.

The good news is this only lasted about 6 months. My doctor put me on a low dose of an SSRI med & I had a few counseling sessions. This was in 1998 & I haven't experienced these fears since then, so I think yours will probably pass too. Having someone around us die unexpectedly or in a very painful way is traumatic. This is probably just your way of dealing with it. OCD is weird that way but even people without OCD have this happen to them sometimes after the shock of an unexpected death.

My husband said something to me in the midst of my cancer phobias that really struck me. He said I might as well actually have cancer since I was living like I already had it. I realized he was right & I was worrying myself to death on what should have been healthy & happy days that the Lord had blessed me with. I realized how sad it would be for me to live like that & then end up regretting it. So the obsession actually helped me in a way because it taught me to appreciate my life more, although I still have OCD & sometimes depression.

Today I am alive & free of pain & celebrating my 40th birthday. I was able to get up out of bed by myself, dress & feed myself, & go wherever I wanted to go. Someday I may be old or disabled & can't do all those things. What a shame if I wasted today because I'll never get it back. So don't feel bad about the way you've been feeling & all your worries. I've been there & I'm sure lots of others have too. When you get over it you will probably have a new appreciation for life & how precious it is.

So enjoy your day, your family, & all the things God has blessed you with. He'll help you through this & He is also able to make something good come from it. Maybe He's going to show you something thru this that you wouldn't have learned otherwise.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I've been there & I understand. I may end up there again, who knows? But I believe you will get thru it, you will get over it.

God bless you! I wish you all the best.

 

[kandcmom]

What a sweet reply. thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It makes me feel not so "odd". Sometimes you feel like you are the only one who feels a certain way and it gives you comfort to know someone else felt it and survived it. Thanks again.
Kathy

 

[shelovesChrist]

I share your fear. I used to be so afraid of death. When one little thing would happen to my body like a bruise or something I'd be all like oh is this a cancer mole. Or when I started having heart papulations from stress I'd immediately think that I'd have a heart attack and end up in the hospital and the worst possible thing. And even when swine flu came out I was all worried that I'd catch it and die because I have a weak immune system. But worrying about death keeps us from life. Don't worry how and all that. Just keep living and give life the best you can while you're still breathing. Death is really not death anyway because since you're saved ( I'm assuming ) there's a whole other life ahead of us. So whenever your mind gets stuck on death try to meditate on Heaven and Christ. You're going to be all right.

 

[kandcmom]

Thanks so much for your encouragement. I know so much of what you say in my heart, it's my head that doesn't listen sometimes. Still having some trouble with the whole death thing. I worry about EVERYTHING. Am I going to get a blood clot and die. Will I have a heart attack. Will I be in pain. Every ache and pain I have I need to research out to make sure it's not serious. It's so crazy. Anyway it's nice to knkow I'm not alone. Thanks all.

 

[shelovesChrist]

Sometimes our brain goes to the worst possible thing imaginable but we shouldnt worry until we are facing the worst possible thing imaginable. I used to google everything like you said every little ache lol. It was ridiculous. One pain in my chest and I'm on google.com pain in the the left side of my chest at night. SMH. But sometimes you just gotta pray and give it to Christ.

I remember the story about the woman Martha who invited Christ to her house and while she was busy trying to serve, her sister Mary was at His feet listening to his teachings. She asked Christ why doesnt He say anything about her sister not helping and He told her "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things; there is need of only one or but a few things. Mary has chose the good portion [that which is to her advantage], which shall not be taken away from her (Luke 10: 41, 42)

Like Joyce Meyer said in her book "Seven Things that Steal Your Joy" which is absolutely great, " I needed to learn to be more like Mary and less like Martha. Instead of worrying and fretting, I needed to learn to simplify my plans, lighten up, and enjoy life" (70).

Don't worry about what hasn't happened if it hasn't happened. Try to enjoy life the best way possible okay.

 

[kandcmom]

Thanks so much for your support. this is a great site for help. i am still having some problems but i do feel a little better. continued prayers would be appreciated.

 

[shelovesChrist]

no problem. just try to focus on the positive. glad that you're feeling better. =] meditate on scripture. here's one to start with.

Jeremiah 17: 7 Blessed is the man that trusteth in the LORD, and whose hope the LORD is.
8 For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit.

small testimony: after I had my panic attacks I would sleep with the light on at night when my roomate wasn't there. It was silly of me and when I realized that God protects me 24/7 day and night, I just got the courage to sleep with it off. It was terrifying at first and I was trembling at little and praying constantly but I kept the lights off. I said to myself if my God is the one who has made heaven and earth and seperates the winds, who should I fear? It doesn't mean that I will never have fear, but you shouldn't let fear seize you. I went to sleep and now before I go to bed I turn the lights off. Even if I toss and turn and wake up in the middle of the night, I know I'm safe and God puts me right back to sleep. Fear will keep you from doing a lot of things, but faith will push you to new heights. It all takes time but keep reading the scripture and trust God's word and some of your fears will become laughable later. I prayed for you.

 

[kandcmom]

Thanks shelovesme, I truly appreciate your help and prayers
Kathy

 

[shelovesChrist]

No problem. We're all here to build each other up. I'm glad we have internet because man, if we didn't and I couldnt find others with the same people then I think I'd just walk around feeling scared to open up about it. It's hard but we will be okay. Our God understands and loves us dearly.

Psalm 103:17 But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear him, and his righteousness unto children's children.

 

[sunmicroman]

Kathy,
I have prayed for you. I totally understand the mechanics and monster which is OCD as I have battled it for many years myself.

In reading the responses you have gotten so far, I really see God giving some very uplifting and encouraging advice. I can also add that God has carried me through some very bad OCD spikes and even though I felt far from Him during those periods of time, I can look back and see He was with me the entire time. And I know He is with you and will carry you through this to victory as well.

 

[shelovesChrist]

Amen!

John 14: 18 I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

 

[kandcmom]

Thank you all so much for your support. I'm feeling better each day and I know it is because of prayer and God's love. thank you all again.
kathy