Celibacy question

[proverbswisdom]

Hi, I am a 27 yr old woman who has been praying for my future husband since I was 13 (not that I would meet him at 13, but that God would prepare him and me for marriage and bring us together as adults).

I have pursued my relationship with Christ and done everything I can to get closer to Him and I have an amazing relationship with God, despite the fact that my life has been very difficult (health issues, losing my father, etc.)

I am a prayer warrior and have prayed for close friends to find spouses (among many other prayer requests) and God has answered the prayers, at times down to the exact details! But nothing has happened for myself so far and I'm confused as to what is going on.

I have had many opportunities to be with guys but due to the fact most of them want me to sleep with them I have refused and so I've never had a boyfriend (I am a virgin). There have been a few that didn't require that but there was no physical attraction and I was not attracted to their personalities either so I declined relationships with them.

I have been thinking about it a lot lately and realized there is no text that says God will definitely send someone a spouse. There are people who are starving in third world countries, praying and begging for food and despite the fact that it's God's will for them to eat they still starve to death due to selfish dictators and bad conditions I'm thinking that in this world with the way things are now with guys just wanting flings and one-nights stands maybe I will never meet a compatible Christian man. perhaps it's God's will, but it just won't happen as there are not many good guys out there and I may never meet one.

My worries are that I have a very high sex drive and I know if I had to go my whole life without being intimate that I would give in at some point and start living a promiscuous lifestyle which I would feel terrible about. I am also a very intimate person and my quality of life and energy to do my tasks depends on having healthy close relationships. I feel I'd be a more vibrant and powerful worker for Christ if I was in a relationship.

I'm not sure what to do, I've been praying for so many years and like I said I've seen God answer MANY other answers to prayer in my life and in my friend's lives. So it just seems like this one is either not meant to be or not possible in this sinful world. I'm asking for advice on what I should do to avoid being promiscuous should things work out that I never marry. How does someone go without sex for life? I have no idea how to do that.

I'm also asking how to know if God is going to send me someone and is there a way I could pray that He would make it clear? I don't want to get my hopes up that I will be with a great guy someday if it's not going to happen. Also I don't want to get excited about having sex with a future husband if I should have to be celibate as that would be a major let down.

Thanks so much...

P.S. Forgot to add that I go to Christian groups at my church and other places so I'm not just sitting at home praying God will magically send a spouse to my doorstep.

 

[parsley]

One thing you can say for the timing -- you will get the benefit of someone who has matured. People can be rude and selfish in teen relationships, and as you have seen even the young adults may put physical pleasure above their partner's preferences.

There's a chance that your devotion to God and ministry work makes guys realize that you are operating on a different plane -- one they might not understand or want to compete with. Even though you're connecting with Christians now, it might take even more to find a person with similar devotion. It sounds like that's what you want too, so stick to your own standards.

While you're right about scriptures not spelling it out, you know from experience and reading that God knows the hearts of men, and knows what other people are praying for. He knows where the good men are.

Since that is true, and you have not found them in the expected places, make sure you trust God when He leads you to do something that makes no sense. Sometimes we get nudges to walk into a store we don't need to go in, or visit a church we don't necessarily like. But when we get out of our rational approach, and obey what we are hearing in the moment, it later makes sense.

We can try our hardest and strive to make things work and continually fail. But then in an instant, God can pull together contacts that we didn't know existed. Be brave in following through on His leads.

 

[proverbswisdom]

Since that is true, and you have not found them in the expected places, make sure you trust God when He leads you to do something that makes no sense. Sometimes we get nudges to walk into a store we don't need to go in, or visit a church we don't necessarily like. But when we get out of our rational approach, and obey what we are hearing in the moment, it later makes sense.

We can try our hardest and strive to make things work and continually fail. But then in an instant, God can pull together contacts that we didn't know existed. Be brave in following through on His leads.

It's interesting you say this. A little over a month ago I was praying and talking to God about how I wasn't meeting my guy at the Christian groups and I asked him if I should just go to a gym or something and to let me know. hen I went for a medical treatment and my Dr. is talking to me and says something like "you will start feeling better soon and you will will be able to do all kinds of things and join a gym because you will meet your guy at a gym. He said this three times and really emphasized it.

Now, I was into the occult as a teenager for about 3 years and I've seen the devil do similar things so I didn't let myself get my hopes up or believe that it could be a sign from God. I actually still think it's probably the devil trying to get me to waste my time at the gym waiting for a guy who never shows up and not moving forward with the rest of my life. And also getting my hopes up perhaps way in advance getting me thinking I'm going to meet my guy soon when I may not come in contact with him for years. There is also the question of which gym to go to that has me confused. If I go to the wrong one will I miss my guy? Just seems more like an enemy tactic.

At any rate I haven't been to the gym, but when I saw your post I thought maybe I should try it just once or twice, just give it a shot just in case it was from God. What do you think, does this sound like something God would do or an enemy tactic?

 

[alatir]

I'm not sure what to do, I've been praying for so many years and like I said I've seen God answer MANY other answers to prayer in my life and in my friend's lives. So it just seems like this one is either not meant to be or not possible in this sinful world. I'm asking for advice on what I should do to avoid being promiscuous should things work out that I never marry. How does someone go without sex for life? I have no idea how to do that.

I'm also asking how to know if God is going to send me someone and is there a way I could pray that He would make it clear?

Sex should be viewed more than just an act where you get and produce physical pleasure. It should be viewed as a expression of certain kind of close relationship between the spouses. The current surrounding culture completely forgets this dimension of sexuality.

I think we single people should pursue relationships with other people. Developing deep and joyful friendships with people. Relationships make us happy, not some physical activity. Relationships make us to forget about sex. Someday God will guide us to that special kind of a person.

I think it is perfectly legimate to ask from the Lord what He has for you in the future. I think He can even speak about the matter in very clear manner. Perhaps you should pray with someone about it. Some people have the gift of hearing from God for other people.

 

[Sketcher]

I've been waiting longer than that, still a virgin and not looking for quick flings either. Guys like what you're looking for do exist, keep doing what you've been doing right, and don't tire of it (2 Thessalonians 3:13).

You haven't married yet. "Never marrying" shouldn't enter your mind as a concern. That's the devil talking, trying to wear you down to get you to fall into temptation. And he's a known liar. The fact is you haven't married yet, and you may not have met the right guy yet. That could all change in a few years. If it doesn't change after a few years, it could still change a few years after that. If you die single and celibate, at least you did the right thing with your time.

As far as the gym goes, it's not sinful unless it's got Jonah-like motivations. If you go to the gym, fine. If not, fine. If you go to gym A, fine. If you go to gym B, fine. If God is going to be using that to facilitate matchmaking, do not concern yourself with the details. If he does not, you get the added health benefits of going to the gym. Just don't compromise on where a man should be at with the Lord, his sexual morality, how he treats you, and so forth.

In the meantime, continue to serve the Lord first and foremost. Serve him whether you have someone else at your side or not. Don't fall into the trap of "I can't serve him really well unless I have X in my life," whether X is a boyfriend or something else. Serve him with what you do have now. Otherwise, you're on the road to making some bad decisions.

 

[wayfaring man]

Dear proverbswisdom,

Hi and welcome.

Agree with most of what has been offered thus far.

And think you're doing a really, really good thing by keeping your self from fornication !!

Yet, would also like to add that - the thought you mention which says,

"I know if I had to go my whole life without being intimate, I would give in at some point and start living a promiscuous lifestyle."

Is not from The Lord. For it's thinking is one of anticipating/accepting defeat.

We don't live "our whole life", in one uninterrupted stretch.

We "live", one day at a time.

The human sex drive is normally strongest from mid-late teens to somewhere in the 30's or early 40's.

So the degree of sex drive one feels at age 27, is not the same as what one will likely feel at age 47.

Therefore, one's whole life experience cannot be measured by what we now feel or experience, for our experience is bound to alter with the passage of time.

Also, you'd only be a "more vibrant and powerful worker for Christ", if you were in a "blessed relationship".

A "bad relationship", would surely be an added burden, which would offer no positive enhancement of your service to The Lord.

So you're wise to be cautious, and not "marry" out of a sense of desperation.

And though it's possible to be "too picky", that would be better than to be "too loose".

For it's better to be alone with Christ, then joined at the hip with someone you're spiritually incompatible with...

Personally, not very keen on gyms, or meeting up with folks there.

But sounds good to seek out the prayers of others, rather than rely solely on praying for our own needs/desires.

Yet suggest you pray for the ability to endure well this trial, rather than praying for the trial to end, because there's usually something we need to learn/embrace in our trials, and until we've done that, it's premature for the trial to end.

But once we've gotten whatever good we're supposed to out of experiencing the trial...it will gracefully end, and we'll be better off spiritually and glad we endured by calling upon The Lord Jesus for grace and peace, comfort and encouragement. Amen.

May The Lord Be Pleased To Bless !

wm

 

[wayfaring man]

P.S. There is a forum here at CF for those facing "singleness".

Singles (only*) - Christian Forums

wm

 

[PaladinValer]

I suggest talking with a professional counselor. I would also suggested talking with your priest or pastor.

You very well may be called to celibacy. It doesn't have to mean you are lonely. There are benefits as well as negatives and there are benefits and negatives to being married.

As someone who is a celibate, I encourage you to discern carefully, professionally, rationally, and to take your time and be sure to have both psychological and spiritual aid in your discernment. Best of luck and my prayers are with you.

 

[Afire]

You can view this situation as a problem needing a solution (earthly thinking), but it is also possible to view the same situation as either a neutral concern, or even to see positive benefits that might result (Christlike thinking).

First and foremost is that citizens of Heaven are not going to have a smooth ride in this world. Look at the father of all believers, Abraham, who did not see God's promise fulfilled until he was an old man. By the time Sarah and Abraham got their beloved son, they laughed with the absurdity of their situation. I contend that all of Abraham's children will likewise have some great sadness or concern that dogs their peace of mind. Therefore rejoice! You don't belong to this world, you belong to the next one.

It is like the concern Abraham and Sarah had over their barrenness, gave their faith something to work with. When we have a concern, it gives us an opportunity to put our faith and trust in God, and it is through just such a leap of faith that we activate our spiritual life.

Getting married, having children, and all the satisfactions this world, pale into insignificance compared to the opportunity we have to seek after God just as Jesus Christ did. Foxes have holes, and birds have nests, but the one who seeks after the Kingdom like Jesus taught, doesn't have their heart set on temporary earthly things. They have something much greater - God.

Of course married people can live God honouring lives also, and a person by no means loses their salvation if they find peace and happiness in this world.

The point I'm trying to express is that those who are not happy in this world (see Matthew 5:3-10) have an opportunity to find something far greater than marriage and earthly prosperity, which is temporary. They have the opportunity through faith to have a very special, and privileged relationship with God, that will reap for them eternal treasure that simply cannot be comprehended.

 

[proverbswisdom]

Wow so many different answers to this question! And there is much wisdom in each! I'm getting confused LOL

 

[elenore]

I think your faith is weakening and you're looking for a way out. How can you have a high sex drive if you've never had sex?
If you've been intimate with guys, it's understandable, or sinned in some other way - but otherwise......
A sex drive has to be woken up by looking at stuff you shouldn't or doing the wrong thing. You don't have to have sex to activate it to a certain degree.
As for missing out. Who cares. Really. Why do you think so many divorced women can happily (more or less) live without a man. Ask why so many womens sex drives taper off after a certain age and they lose interest or could easily live without it.

It's not that great (many women will tell you) unless the marriage is.*

You may get a great marriage, (statistics are against it, but you know what I mean) but what if you don't. What if your husband has or gets a porn problem. What if he's not that good in bed. What if he's not that interested in sex. Has been abused, has some issues there. It happens.

What if medical issues arise. In my lifetime so far as a christian and the little I understand in this area from conversations with friends, married and otherwise - a lot of girls can pretty easily live without it.
Not only that - but it's over rated. Overall.
The media hypes it up, blah, blah, blah, but that's the comment I hear over and over again.

In one girly magazine I read where they polled readers - over half of all readers polled (and realise this is a magazine that implies you're a failure if you don't have an active and 'exciting/fulfilling' sexual life) around half said they'd give up sex before chocolate, and more said they'd give it up before tv.

So yeah.

Guys have to give to get, and how many really do in the grand scheme of things.

If you meet a great christian man, fabulous. But the whole point is to share you life with someone. Work as a team to achieve the most you can in life together. Sex is just a bonus (hopefully.) You can wreck it and your marriage is so many different ways. Why care if you stay single.

You miss out? So what. I've missed out on being rich and a super model too. Do I really care. No.

What I most want is to be happy. And I realise that there are no shortcuts. Through a man, or through any other avenue. Sex included.

You may have a passionate nature but if your sex drive has been woken up, you need to repent, and get it back to where it should be.

Other surveys have shown that people who live together before marriage have less fulfilling sex lives then those who don't. And virgins tend to get the best sex of all (in marriage.) Why? Because love and trust play a much bigger part in the area over time then lust and convenience.

Basically it's a bit of a roulette wheel. Once you accept that, and realise your best chance is to do the right thing, it's easy to not get fixated over. The media wants you that way because it can exploit you better when you are. But reality is reality.

If you ask God to answer your prayers in this area, you'll get his choice for you or stay single. It's pretty simple. Easy? No. Simple. Yes.


Hope that helps.



*issues like past abuse and sin, not withstanding.

 

[elenore]

PS. As for serving God better in a team. That depends.

Why don't you let him have the last call on that. Paul worked better single. Other disciples were married.

It's relative.

 

[elenore]

PPS. Just as an additional note though. Paul does say in his advice to single people that if you 'burn with passion' you should get married. I would ask, why are you burning in the first place, but the statement is also to widows etc, so people who've also been sexually active I presume.

However the context is pretty broad. And if you marry someone just for sex - you're stuck with them for the rest of your life. So yeah.


In the past where virginity was expected and monogomy the norm, a society would have been far more stable and life more enriching in general for people. In those conditions marrying the 'right' person wouldn't have been so important because you had so many outs and ways to find fulfillment in normal living and relationships. Your life wouldn't have centered so much around your marriage. Now for that kind of marriage, the right person is more important.
And for childrearing and extended family for obvious reasons.



I wish you all the best for it and I'll pray for your situation. I know how you feel and it's not unusual for a single christian who's been left behind so to speak. Just don't worry about it. If it's in Gods hands, it's in Gods hands. Many, many christians fail this test or settle. It's not easy.

 

[proverbswisdom]

@ Elenore

I've never had sex or even watched porn but I have a strong desire almost every day to have sex. I think this is pretty normal, but maybe I'm mistaken? I was even able to stop masturbating,mostly because I was still horny after doing it (it just turned me on worse) and so there was no point. I also found it very lonely as I desire to connect with a man emotionally and physically. The oxytocin hormones released during masturbation made me feel alone and a bit depressed afterwards since I couldn't connect with a guy. I haven't masturbated in over 2 years. I know a lot of this was due to prayer also as I have been praying since I started masturbating that I could stop so that was a real blessing

 

[Sketcher]

^^ For that reason, I don't believe you have a high sex drive. I think you need to differentiate that from constant temptation. You're where a lot of Christian guys would love to be when it comes to this temptation.

 

[elenore]

@ Elenore

I've never had sex or even watched porn but I have a strong desire almost every day to have sex. I think this is pretty normal, but maybe I'm mistaken? I was even able to stop masturbating,mostly because I was still horny after doing it (it just turned me on worse) and so there was no point. I also found it very lonely as I desire to connect with a man emotionally and physically. The oxytocin hormones released during masturbation made me feel alone and a bit depressed afterwards since I couldn't connect with a guy. I haven't masturbated in over 2 years. I know a lot of this was due to prayer also as I have been praying since I started masturbating that I could stop so that was a real blessing

Hmm, it's not normal. I know that for a fact. Something has to trigger it. Have you ever gotten physical with a guy. Pash up etc.
That will wake it up.

Also from my understanding, abuse can too. Particularly later on in childhood.

When you get physical with someone (or they've done it to you) you get soul ties. How they manifest can be different in different people.

One snog is all it takes to create a soul tie, and then you've linked into their lust problems. Just to a lesser degree then sex. The further you go, the worse it gets from my understanding.
(although with abuse, it's different. I'm not sure how. But the ties are definatly there.*)


*why forgiveness is so important.

 

[elenore]

PS. Don't feel like you have to give me any details - just looking for solutions thats all.

Some things are private.

If you want to PM me, feel free.

 

[parsley]

Some things are private.

Especially if your account ever gets connected with your real name accounts -- then this whole conversation ties in with employer background checks etc. Things happen out of our control. People should never be pushed to divulge more than they want to on a forum.

You miss out? So what. I've missed out on being rich and a super model too.

Holding back quoting El's whole post -- whew, I restrained myself.
Really, that's a big lesson in life. Do we go for what is driving us, even if we know it can lead to rash and harmful decisions? Society doesn't encourage restraint these days.

It is like the concern Abraham and Sarah had over their barrenness, gave their faith something to work with. When we have a concern, it gives us an opportunity to put our faith and trust in God, and it is through just such a leap of faith that we activate our spiritual life.

So true.

PS. As for serving God better in a team. That depends.

Ha, more than you can imagine. Read some of the threads here and see what percentage of couples work well on a project together.

We don't live "our whole life", in one uninterrupted stretch... one's whole life experience cannot be measured by what we now feel or experience, for our experience is bound to alter with the passage of time.

Good point.
Feelings also change over wanting someone to live with, whether to have kids, where you want to live, what job you want to occupy yourself with.

It's interesting you say this. A little over a month ago I was praying and talking to God about how I wasn't meeting my guy at the Christian groups and I asked him if I should just go to a gym or something and to let me know. hen I went for a medical treatment and my Dr. is talking to me and says something like "you will start feeling better soon and you will will be able to do all kinds of things and join a gym because you will meet your guy at a gym. He said this three times and really emphasized it.

Now, I was into the occult as a teenager for about 3 years and I've seen the devil do similar things so I didn't let myself get my hopes up or believe that it could be a sign from God.

Funny coincidence. Although that's what doctors say. He might also be taking that HS gym teacher stance to work off those hormonal energies. (Or recalling how gyms tend to draw high-testosterone men.)

I think the hearing transition from occult to God is going to take some time, but will be worth the trouble. Sometimes people talk about God caring more about our character than our works, and making that transition can be similar -- knowing how to hear His voice can be worth a thousand times anything else we do.

I know long-time Christians who still make hearing mistakes after decades ... it keeps us all humble, and on our toes. Dependent on God instead of ourselves, or our ability to hear.

There can be advantages with faith too, since you have seen supernatural things happen and understand some of the consequences. God transforms all those past things for the good of those who love Him.

If you go to the gym, fine. If not, fine. If you go to gym A, fine. If you go to gym B, fine. If God is going to be using that to facilitate matchmaking, do not concern yourself with the details. If he does not, you get the added health benefits of going to the gym.

In the meantime, continue to serve the Lord first and foremost. Serve him whether you have someone else at your side or not. Don't fall into the trap of "I can't serve him really well unless I have X in my life," whether X is a boyfriend or something else. Serve him with what you do have now.

I agree. The same people go to the grocery store and subway station. Our responses do not always need to be immediate and rash, even when we hear clearly from God. Back to Abraham, and others who tried to rush God's promise. Moses' group on the way to the promised land for 40 years.

 

[Peripatetic]

Hmm, it's not normal. I know that for a fact. Something has to trigger it.

Be careful with definitive conclusions like this one. Sex drive is different for everyone, both in degree and duration. I know people in their prime years that have very little, and others for whom it is a daily struggle. The "triggers" that you speak of are all around us... on TV, billboards, magazines, and walking down the street on a warm day. A person with a strong libido can be affected by what they see, hear, and read every day no matter how much they try to avoid it. Christians with a strong sex drive are prime candidates for crippling guilt cycles and self-hate if they are told that it's their fault somehow. Like any predisposition, it needs to be managed, but it isn't something wrong in and of itself.

 

[Avniel]

I'm thinking that in this world with the way things are now with guys just wanting flings and one-nights stands maybe I will never meet a compatible Christian man. perhaps it's God's will, but it just won't happen as there are not many good guys out there and I may never meet one.

I actually had a thread about this very exact issue. I find it interesting women that think as you do tend to have many female friends and very few male role models. Can I ask you a question do you have a good relationship with your father?

Also it might be your attitude towards men that is keeping even good men away from you. I hear a lot of my good strong christian friends that are men with careers or on their way to a well respected profession(med school, law school ect) tell me about dates they had with women, that some of the first things that are stated is "I'm a virgin," "I don't believe in sex before marriage" and ect. That is a turn off for all men, that is a later conversation even for men looking to settle down. You lose two ways a man that is sexual active but knows its wrong may feel like your good enough to wait for but if you just come out of the box with it when he doesn't even know you he's just going to walk away from you. And a man that is strong in his faith and isn't having sex will be offended you even approached him like that so early.

My thoughts are that you are going to have to change your attitude towards men. Going in a marriage thinking all men want is sex isn't a good attitude to have, and to be honest it is insulting.

Me and my wife met when we were 18 years old the second week of college our freshmen year. She smiled at me in orientation class because she caught me staring at her. We walked and we talked for hours and hours, she quickly became my best friend. She never told me that we couldn't have sex or that she wouldn't have sex with me it was something that was understood. Through our conversations, our bible studies and other situations I knew she didn't want to have sex with me until marriage. I waited 5 years we were married and she is pregnant with our first child currently. She was a virgin when we were married but this was information I had to ask her when I was comfortable enough to find this out.

Not all men want one night stands, not all men want to have sex with you. That's just something people tell their daughters to keep them from sexual sin. But it certainly is not true. And the only women I know that say things like that are women that aren't married, are in abusive relationships, or grew up with out fathers.

But I think if you change your attitude you might be more attractive to men that are serious about settling down. Or maybe some man that isn't but he is serious about settling down with you.