Cause of Divorce

[Beauty4Ashes]

[poll coming]

I hope it's ok if I post in this forum. I am not married or divorced.

From your experience, do you think the divorce/seperation was caused more by the poor choice of the person you married/preparation before hand or more by the poor choices made by one or both people after you/they were married?

In other words, were the poor choice(s) made, that ended in divorce, caused more BEFORE you got married or AFTER you were married?

Or perhaps you believe it was a 50/50 kind of deal, both caused by poor choice in who you married/preparation as well as the poor choices made after. But if you don't believe it is completely equal (based on your experiences and others), then please vote and elaborate on which you think was/is the greater cause.

How do you view the impact of your choice in a mate and the time you spent making sure they were the right person for you and the steps you took to prepare for marriage in regards to the fact the marriage ultimately failed?

How do you view the choices that were made in marriage to work at building and maintaining a healthy relationship and how that or the lack thereof impacted your divorce/seperation?

What things in particular do you see as culprits?(too rushed? too young? poor judge of character? lack of communication?, etc.) Which things do you take responsibility for? What could you have done differently in choosing a spouse and preparing for marriage?

Do you believe that you simply married the wrong person/unsuitable for you or do you believe that it could have been the right person if different choices were made during the marriage? If you believe you married the wrong person, why/how do you think you allowed that to happen? What things could you have done to prevent it? If you believe it could have been the right person if different choices were made in marriage, does that mean you believe you made the right choice at a spouse in the first place?


Thanks for your responses. I am genuinely curious and it breaks my heart to see how many divorces there are in the world, the church, and not to mention this forum alone. I'd like to gain a better grasp on why.

 

[justanobserver]

I picked the 2nd option.

 

[RobinRedbreast]

For my divorce, it was both 1 and 2 but the -root cause- was #1. We shouldn't have ever gotten married in the first place in other words but we ignored all the warning signs and then got married for the wrong reasons.

There's a lot of questions in your post that I Frankly just don't feel like answering right now (6am ) but this one question did catch my eye: "Do you believe that you simply married the wrong person/unsuitable for you or do you believe that it could have been the right person if different choices were made during the marriage?"

I married the wrong person, plain and simple. There was no way we could have forced that marriage to work, no matter what choices we made during the marriage the fact of the matter is that we were unsuitable for each other and we could have never made that marriage work.

The difference between marrying the wrong person (my first marriage) and marrying the right one (my current marriage) is astounding.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Root was 1, but in the end, I did love my wife, and I should have made the choices I needed to save the marriage, and so should she have. The issues we faced made it harder, but we both knew what we were supposed to do, and should have been able to. It is close though - like 45/55, it's not cut and dried.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

I picked the 2nd option.

could you elaborate on that? Or answer any of the questions I posed?
Thank you

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

For my divorce, it was both 1 and 2 but the -root cause- was #1. We shouldn't have ever gotten married in the first place in other words but we ignored all the warning signs and then got married for the wrong reasons.

There's a lot of questions in your post that I Frankly just don't feel like answering right now (6am ) but this one question did catch my eye: "Do you believe that you simply married the wrong person/unsuitable for you or do you believe that it could have been the right person if different choices were made during the marriage?"

I married the wrong person, plain and simple. There was no way we could have forced that marriage to work, no matter what choices we made during the marriage the fact of the matter is that we were unsuitable for each other and we could have never made that marriage work.

The difference between marrying the wrong person (my first marriage) and marrying the right one (my current marriage) is astounding.

Thanks

If you get a chance to come back and further elaborate/answer any of the other questions, I would appreciate it.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

Root was 1, but in the end, I did love my wife, and I should have made the choices I needed to save the marriage, and so should she have. The issues we faced made it harder, but we both knew what we were supposed to do, and should have been able to. It is close though - like 45/55, it's not cut and dried.

Thanks. This is understandable. Can you answer any of the other questions I posed. If you are comfortable with sharing any further details I would appreciate it. If not, I understand.

 

[RobinRedbreast]

The biggest thing is that if you marry someone who you are not compatible with, there's not much you can do to "fix it" and I figured that out the hard way. What you CAN do, is make the choice to react to your spouse in a certain way for the rest of your life. But love is only 50% a choice, and 50% a feeling. I don't like it when people try to define it as 100% one or the other, it's really more of a 50/50 deal. So even if you choose to love your partner for that 50% of it, you're left with a 50% part of yourself that is pretty much dead inside.

Basically when you marry the wrong person, you can make choices that allow you to remain married to them in a civil fashion for the rest of your life.

But some of us aren't willing to settle for that, and frankly? God doesn't intend for us to be unhappy and settling for less than He has instore for us either.


How do you view the impact of your choice in a mate and the time you spent making sure they were the right person for you and the steps you took to prepare for marriage in regards to the fact the marriage ultimately failed?

Oh, there were no "steps to prepare for marriage" or discernment period where we figured out if we were right for each other, no no That's part of the bad choices we made -before- marriage you see, and why we never should have been married in the first place. Had we not married due to pregnancy so darn fast, we would have eventually realized how absolutely completely WRONG for each other we were

How do you view the choices that were made in marriage to work at building and maintaining a healthy relationship and how that or the lack thereof impacted your divorce/seperation?

Lack thereof. The best we could have hoped for was communicating how unhappy we were unfortunately, but we didn't even do that, we just fought. Constantly. Each one of us was so miserable that we turned inward into ourselves and forgot about the other: this was not the way to handle things. Frankly, the way to handle things was to get divorced way earlier than we actually did. But we were too self-absorbed to see how much we needed that divorce.

What things in particular do you see as culprits?(too rushed? too young? poor judge of character? lack of communication?, etc.)

We weren't too young. It was definitely too rushed. Poor judge of character, haha yes. Lack of communication, yes. Incompatible in almost every way, yes (you name it, we didn't have it in common or even in a "complimentary" sort of way). And the final nail: pregnancy before marriage.

Which things do you take responsibility for?

Oh, we both take full responsibility for what happened. That's why our divorce was so amicable.

What could you have done differently in choosing a spouse and preparing for marriage?

Wouldn't have gotten pregnant And wouldn't have let myself "settle"... I settled for many standards in a partner that I had considered essential but did not find in the partner I chose the first time around.

I think most of the rest of the post I answered in my last answer.

 

[unkern]

Its definitely all of the above.

If you pick a spouse that is unequally yoked it will make it hard on the marriage, but that doesnt mean it wont work out. Its just gonna be harder

They just end up being roomates in their own home.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Combination. My ex-h was not a believer when I started dating him. I was 19 and believed that most people walking the streets and acting normally were basically honest people who expected to work in order to make a living. After I had "fallen" for him I found out he had lied about his age and being married before. We didn't see each other for about a week and then I called him because I was already "in love".

He was 13 years older than me, lived in another country until he was 18, and had no desire to further his education (he said he graduated from the equivalent of United States' H.S.) . Everything that I have read lately says that similarities usually help a marriage. We weren't similar in many ways. I recently dated someone who did not finish high school because of drugs and alcohol (now sober 11 years), but the difference was that he highly valued education and will be definitely sending his dd to college. I think that is the key difference. My ex-h did not want to make any sacrifices so I could prepare for a different job and when he belittled my choice of going to nursing school while we were separated, it was just one more thing that made me realize that he was very selfish and not compatible with me.

I had many red flags to warn me. While we were engaged (and having sex) I found out that he cheated on me. This led to my rededicating my life to God, and me starting to witness to him. A while later he told me he had become a Christian. I had trouble letting go of this man because I felt like he had a part of me. I also heard a word from God that I misinterpreted, but which led me to believe that God wanted me to marry him since he had accepted Christ.

Once we settled into our own place which was about a year after marriage, he stopped going to Men's Bible study, I got pregnant, and he went back to his old job with all his friends. He worked part-time for 90% of our marriage and I was the breadwinner with the insurance, but I was the one who had to make all the child care sacrifices and take the bus while he used my car. That's when he started cussing at me.

We went to Marriage Encounter while I was pregnant and a big part of that is writing about issues and sharing them with your spouse. His responses were about three lines which could've been written by a stranger. It was like there was no emotional feelings or ties.

My ex did not understand how to balance a budget and refused to learn, but accused me of supporting a bf since we didn't have enough money. We borrowed money from my parents. He could be cruel to our son when he did normal kid things and had some questionable disciplining that made me concerned at times. He would talk rude to me, use cuss words towards me as a joke when I would call to say hello from work, then wonder why I wasn't interested in sex that night. Instead of changing this behavior which I explained to him hurt me and made me not want to be intimate with him, he would discuss my refusal with my family, my best friend, and sis in law. And it should be noted that I rarely refused him, but any refusal was too much.

My ex did things that defied logic. It was very frustrating. He left our son alone in his crib after calling my dad to tell him he needed to go to work. He didn't call me and my dad had to go back home and get keys leaving our son alone for over an hour. There is so much more. There were so many phone calls and hang ups when I answered. He wouldn't come home after work and wouldn't call or answer his pager. When I was pregnant with our second I got the flu and felt like I would die. The amount of anger and hostility this caused in him was eye-opening. He was mad at me for lying on the couch and didn't want to bring me a glass of water. It was at that time I knew we were never going to have a real marriage. I had an adult child who cared about money and didn't care about my health or his unborn child. He made comments about the baby dying. He finally got a full-time decent job with the help of my friend's husband and I was pulling disability after two car accidents and he started hiding money and told me to borrow some from my parents because he was only going to pay half the bills. I was 3 months pregnant and trying to get out of a very stressful job and figure out what direction I should take job-wise. I had supported him through two expensive, different schools so he could figure himself out, but I wasn't alowed the same, even though I was still getting disability and pregnant. He had gone to two Christian counseling sessions after I issued an ultimatum about him not coming home. He lied to the counselor of course.

When he stopped his paycheck from being directly deposited and told me we had to split all the bills I told him to change it back or I was leaving. Oh, just prior to that my 5 yr old son had made some comments about being sad that his dad was home when he saw his truck in our garage. That was a wake up call for me. My ex decided to go work out. I left.

I told him I wanted to see the counselor together, he wouldn't talk to me. Months later he did, the counselor heard the truth, told him some things he didn't like so he didn't want to go anymore. Two more counselors, same thing. He disappeared for 6 weeks, changed the locks on the condo I owned with my parents, almost starved the cat to death, wouldn't let me get in to get my clothes and reported a burglary when I was able to get in through the garage. I changed the disgusting sheets on the bed and washed them, but he had the police dust the TV for prints. I found a baseball bat under the bed that I guess was for me. He had the phone hooked up to a recording device too.

After our dd was born he moved into my parent's house and slept in the same room with my son. He stayed out all night on New Years Eve and called me at 2 am and asked me to pick him up an hour away because he'd been drinking. I didn't even know where he'd been. I didn't and things went downhill again. My son told me some frightening things that his dad had said to him and about the threats he made if my son told anyone. Thankfully my ex moved out in the middle of the night and he disappeared again.

6 weeks later he called and wanted to try again. I let him move back into our condo. He got his job back and promptly hurt his back and went on disability. We were having regular visits with the kids and one day he changed the locks again and called the police over to have them tell me that he had filed for divorce. He changed his mind later, but after he asked my friend out on a date I'd had enough. We were separated for about 3.5-4 years before I gave up. There are other things related to his fidelity that I don't want to post.

My ex wasn't normal. There are things I will probably never understand. He could be helpful and outgoing to some strangers, especially Hispanic people, but cold and distant to me, his kids and my family who were nothing but supportive and kind. My kids have asperger-like tendencies, which doesn't run in my family, but that doesn't seem like my ex. They both have ADHD which could be my ex. He did go to one psychiatrist who wanted me to diagnose him, but put him on some dangerous medication instead of the normal ADHD drugs. I mentioned bi-polar to him and another Dr., but my ex lied about things right in front of me and no one looked into that. He started going to a free clinic which put him on anti-depressants and I don't know how long he stayed on them.

He left the country without a word about 3 years ago. He told us about 6 weeks later. My kids tried to call him on Father's day and he still hasn't called back.

None of this weird behavior was evident to me before I married him except for the lying, but I had plenty of other red flags.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

Combination. My ex-h was not a believer when I started dating him. I was 19 and believed that most people walking the streets and acting normally were basically honest people who expected to work in order to make a living. After I had "fallen" for him I found out he had lied about his age and being married before. We didn't see each other for about a week and then I called him because I was already "in love".

He was 13 years older than me, lived in another country until he was 18, and had no desire to further his education (he said he graduated from the equivalent of United States' H.S.) . Everything that I have read lately says that similarities usually help a marriage. We weren't similar in many ways. I recently dated someone who did not finish high school because of drugs and alcohol (now sober 11 years), but the difference was that he highly valued education and will be definitely sending his dd to college. I think that is the key difference. My ex-h did not want to make any sacrifices so I could prepare for a different job and when he belittled my choice of going to nursing school while we were separated, it was just one more thing that made me realize that he was very selfish and not compatible with me.

I had many red flags to warn me. While we were engaged (and having sex) I found out that he cheated on me. This led to my rededicating my life to God, and me starting to witness to him. A while later he told me he had become a Christian. I had trouble letting go of this man because I felt like he had a part of me. I also heard a word from God that I misinterpreted, but which led me to believe that God wanted me to marry him since he had accepted Christ.

Once we settled into our own place which was about a year after marriage, he stopped going to Men's Bible study, I got pregnant, and he went back to his old job with all his friends. He worked part-time for 90% of our marriage and I was the breadwinner with the insurance, but I was the one who had to make all the child care sacrifices and take the bus while he used my car. That's when he started cussing at me.

We went to Marriage Encounter while I was pregnant and a big part of that is writing about issues and sharing them with your spouse. His responses were about three lines which could've been written by a stranger. It was like there was no emotional feelings or ties.

My ex did not understand how to balance a budget and refused to learn, but accused me of supporting a bf since we didn't have enough money. We borrowed money from my parents. He could be cruel to our son when he did normal kid things and had some questionable disciplining that made me concerned at times. He would talk rude to me, use cuss words towards me as a joke when I would call to say hello from work, then wonder why I wasn't interested in sex that night. Instead of changing this behavior which I explained to him hurt me and made me not want to be intimate with him, he would discuss my refusal with my family, my best friend, and sis in law. And it should be noted that I rarely refused him, but any refusal was too much.

My ex did things that defied logic. It was very frustrating. He left our son alone in his crib after calling my dad to tell him he needed to go to work. He didn't call me and my dad had to go back home and get keys leaving our son alone for over an hour. There is so much more. There were so many phone calls and hang ups when I answered. He wouldn't come home after work and wouldn't call or answer his pager. When I was pregnant with our second I got the flu and felt like I would die. The amount of anger and hostility this caused in him was eye-opening. He was mad at me for lying on the couch and didn't want to bring me a glass of water. It was at that time I knew we were never going to have a real marriage. I had an adult child who cared about money and didn't care about my health or his unborn child. He made comments about the baby dying. He finally got a full-time decent job with the help of my friend's husband and I was pulling disability after two car accidents and he started hiding money and told me to borrow some from my parents because he was only going to pay half the bills. I was 3 months pregnant and trying to get out of a very stressful job and figure out what direction I should take job-wise. I had supported him through two expensive, different schools so he could figure himself out, but I wasn't alowed the same, even though I was still getting disability and pregnant. He had gone to two Christian counseling sessions after I issued an ultimatum about him not coming home. He lied to the counselor of course.

When he stopped his paycheck from being directly deposited and told me we had to split all the bills I told him to change it back or I was leaving. Oh, just prior to that my 5 yr old son had made some comments about being sad that his dad was home when he saw his truck in our garage. That was a wake up call for me. My ex decided to go work out. I left.

I told him I wanted to see the counselor together, he wouldn't talk to me. Months later he did, the counselor heard the truth, told him some things he didn't like so he didn't want to go anymore. Two more counselors, same thing. He disappeared for 6 weeks, changed the locks on the condo I owned with my parents, almost starved the cat to death, wouldn't let me get in to get my clothes and reported a burglary when I was able to get in through the garage. I changed the disgusting sheets on the bed and washed them, but he had the police dust the TV for prints. I found a baseball bat under the bed that I guess was for me. He had the phone hooked up to a recording device too.

After our dd was born he moved into my parent's house and slept in the same room with my son. He stayed out all night on New Years Eve and called me at 2 am and asked me to pick him up an hour away because he'd been drinking. I didn't even know where he'd been. I didn't and things went downhill again. My son told me some frightening things that his dad had said to him and about the threats he made if my son told anyone. Thankfully my ex moved out in the middle of the night and he disappeared again.

6 weeks later he called and wanted to try again. I let him move back into our condo. He got his job back and promptly hurt his back and went on disability. We were having regular visits with the kids and one day he changed the locks again and called the police over to have them tell me that he had filed for divorce. He changed his mind later, but after he asked my friend out on a date I'd had enough. We were separated for about 3.5-4 years before I gave up. There are other things related to his fidelity that I don't want to post.

My ex wasn't normal. There are things I will probably never understand. He could be helpful and outgoing to some strangers, especially Hispanic people, but cold and distant to me, his kids and my family who were nothing but supportive and kind. My kids have asperger-like tendencies, which doesn't run in my family, but that doesn't seem like my ex. They both have ADHD which could be my ex. He did go to one psychiatrist who wanted me to diagnose him, but put him on some dangerous medication instead of the normal ADHD drugs. I mentioned bi-polar to him and another Dr., but my ex lied about things right in front of me and no one looked into that. He started going to a free clinic which put him on anti-depressants and I don't know how long he stayed on them.

He left the country without a word about 3 years ago. He told us about 6 weeks later. My kids tried to call him on Father's day and he still hasn't called back.

None of this weird behavior was evident to me before I married him except for the lying, but I had plenty of other red flags.

wow, this guy sounds like a massive idiot. How did you end up falling for him, agian?

 

[eatenbylocusts]

wow, this guy sounds like a massive idiot. How did you end up falling for him, agian?

I plead young and stupid. He was a trainer at a gym and a friend of a friend. He was a bodybuilder. He offered to train me for free. He was polite and told me stories about good things that he had done which made him sound like a quality person. He did in fact help perfect strangers. When I told him I wasn't going to have sex with him unless we got married he stuck around and never forced that issue, or at least not the first time. Alcohol was my downfall.

When we first separated I was devastated, but it wasn't the loss of our relationship. I wanted to do the right thing. I didn't want to get divorced or have my kids grow up without a father in the home (I wanted a good father though). I didn't have emotional intimacy with my ex-h. I don't think he's capable of that kind of relationship. He enjoyed his kids most of the time when I was around, but somehow was able to leave two in his country and my two. And yet, a few times I saw him cry over an old movie. After we were divorced and my dad died, he did come over and help with the kids while we made all the arrangements. He was there during those days and the funeral and that's the best memory I have of him.

Other relationships have been painful when they ended because of the emotional attachment and friendship that had developed. Very different from my marriage.

Once he moved out of the country he asked me to move there with the kids since I was the best wife there could ever be. Maybe he was sincere, but I also wonder if he thought he was still the beneficiary of my life insurance policy.

 

[Flibbertigibbet]

wow, this guy sounds like a massive idiot. How did you end up falling for him, agian?

People like this are very charming and convincing. They have a false persona that they present, and they are very effective at fooling even those who are not romantically interested in them.

I chose #1. If you wish to know my story, just search my username in this very forum, as I have moved on and don't care to rehash it. If you have further specific questions, thereafter, I will be happy to address them.

 

[TexasSky]

My situation is unique because the real breaking point was after a car accident made him litearlly insane. However, I honestly think #1 applied to me, despite everything I tried to do to know what I was getting into. At the time my husband's mental health issues escalated post car accident, his psychiatrists were telling me, "Many of his mental problems have existed all of his life but he controlled them better, and you nutured him when he didn't."

I actually had people beg me not to marry him, and I saw many, many red flags, but I had also had many people tell me that I expected perfection in people, so I talked myself into ignoring the red flags.

I found myself married to a liar, a person who couldn't hold down a job, a person who couldn't leave his mother, a person who couldn't handle money, and a person who told me he wanted the ministry and supported me in my children's ministry, and instead deeply resented God's church. He was jealous and manipulative.

I made it work for 20 years though.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

My situation is unique because the real breaking point was after a car accident made him litearlly insane. However, I honestly think #1 applied to me, despite everything I tried to do to know what I was getting into. At the time my husband's mental health issues escalated post car accident, his psychiatrists were telling me, "Many of his mental problems have existed all of his life but he controlled them better, and you nutured him when he didn't."

I actually had people beg me not to marry him, and I saw many, many red flags, but I had also had many people tell me that I expected perfection in people, so I talked myself into ignoring the red flags.

I found myself married to a liar, a person who couldn't hold down a job, a person who couldn't leave his mother, a person who couldn't handle money, and a person who told me he wanted the ministry and supported me in my children's ministry, and instead deeply resented God's church. He was jealous and manipulative.

I made it work for 20 years though.

Except for the mother part, this was my ex. I couldn't write as concisely as you though.

 

[ido]

From your experience, do you think the divorce/seperation was caused more by the poor choice of the person you married/preparation before hand or more by the poor choices made by one or both people after you/they were married?

Since my ex began deceiving me before we were ever married and continued to do so afterwards, I would say that the poor choices began beforehand. However, it was the abusiveness and the infidelity after the marriage that ultimately caused the divorce.

In other words, were the poor choice(s) made, that ended in divorce, caused more BEFORE you got married or AFTER you were married?

I think my above answer covers this but let me know if it doesn't.


Or perhaps you believe it was a 50/50 kind of deal, both caused by poor choice in who you married/preparation as well as the poor choices made after. But if you don't believe it is completely equal (based on your experiences and others), then please vote and elaborate on which you think was/is the greater cause.

If my ex would have been honest with me about certain aspects of his past - and if I would not have been so naive regarding certain aspects of his family life...I don't think I would have dated him seriously - much less married him. So, in that respect, I feel that I made a poor choice...but it was made based on the knowledge I had. My ex, on the other hand, consciously made poor choices and manipulated our relationship to suit his needs. Ultimately, his inability to separate his reality from the truth and change behavior that was detrimental to our relationship was the "greater cause" as you put it.

How do you view the impact of your choice in a mate and the time you spent making sure they were the right person for you and the steps you took to prepare for marriage in regards to the fact the marriage ultimately failed?

Unfortunately, ours was a short courtship before we married. We rushed into the relationship - which was a huge mistake. The other mistake was that we engaged in premarital sex. Too much focus on the physical aspect of a relationship too early on makes it too easy for the relationship as a whole to be kind of blurry. If I get the chance to meet someone and marry again, I will not engage in premarital sex and I will date them longer before marrying them. Especially now that I have kids - I need to make a decision for 3 hearts, not just 1.


How do you view the choices that were made in marriage to work at building and maintaining a healthy relationship and how that or the lack thereof impacted your divorce/seperation?

I can't provide a complete response without getting kind of long-winded. So, I will summarize by saying that it doesn't matter what actions are taken to build/maintain a healthy relationship if one or both parties involved are only going through the motions and are not genuine in their efforts. Suffice it to say that my ex was talking the talk but not walking the walk.

What things in particular do you see as culprits?(too rushed? too young? poor judge of character? lack of communication?, etc.) Which things do you take responsibility for? What could you have done differently in choosing a spouse and preparing for marriage?

Rushed in - deception - lack of understanding (on my part) about alcoholism and how it effects the entire family. I am responsible for not educating myself better on the alcoholism part of it. Also, I was too quick to believe my ex's version of things b/c I wanted to believe him. I needed to be more discerning and less willing to dismiss things that should have been heeded as red flags. By far, THE most important lesson I learned is that pretty much all I have to do to know how a man is going to treat me is take a long hard look at how he treats the women in his life (mom, sisters, etc). It would have been very telling for me to do that with my ex.

Do you believe that you simply married the wrong person/unsuitable for you or do you believe that it could have been the right person if different choices were made during the marriage? If you believe you married the wrong person, why/how do you think you allowed that to happen? What things could you have done to prevent it? If you believe it could have been the right person if different choices were made in marriage, does that mean you believe you made the right choice at a spouse in the first place?

I definitely married the wrong person. But, a lot of what he led me to believe would have made him more like the right person. After everything he has put me through, I look at him now and wonder how I was ever attracted to him. Then I realize I wasn't. I was attracted to the person he wanted me to think he was - not who he really is. He would have to change too many things about himself to even remotely be the right person - and sadly, he thinks he's just fine the way he is and doesn't need to change. In fact, several months after I moved out, he called me and asked me flat out if I ever felt like I made the hugest mistake of my life and could just take it all back. I said no - that I had never been more sure of anything in my life...

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

From your experience, do you think the divorce/seperation was caused more by the poor choice of the person you married/preparation before hand or more by the poor choices made by one or both people after you/they were married?

Since my ex began deceiving me before we were ever married and continued to do so afterwards, I would say that the poor choices began beforehand. However, it was the abusiveness and the infidelity after the marriage that ultimately caused the divorce.

In other words, were the poor choice(s) made, that ended in divorce, caused more BEFORE you got married or AFTER you were married?

I think my above answer covers this but let me know if it doesn't.


Or perhaps you believe it was a 50/50 kind of deal, both caused by poor choice in who you married/preparation as well as the poor choices made after. But if you don't believe it is completely equal (based on your experiences and others), then please vote and elaborate on which you think was/is the greater cause.

If my ex would have been honest with me about certain aspects of his past - and if I would not have been so naive regarding certain aspects of his family life...I don't think I would have dated him seriously - much less married him. So, in that respect, I feel that I made a poor choice...but it was made based on the knowledge I had. My ex, on the other hand, consciously made poor choices and manipulated our relationship to suit his needs. Ultimately, his inability to separate his reality from the truth and change behavior that was detrimental to our relationship was the "greater cause" as you put it.

How do you view the impact of your choice in a mate and the time you spent making sure they were the right person for you and the steps you took to prepare for marriage in regards to the fact the marriage ultimately failed?

Unfortunately, ours was a short courtship before we married. We rushed into the relationship - which was a huge mistake. The other mistake was that we engaged in premarital sex. Too much focus on the physical aspect of a relationship too early on makes it too easy for the relationship as a whole to be kind of blurry. If I get the chance to meet someone and marry again, I will not engage in premarital sex and I will date them longer before marrying them. Especially now that I have kids - I need to make a decision for 3 hearts, not just 1.


How do you view the choices that were made in marriage to work at building and maintaining a healthy relationship and how that or the lack thereof impacted your divorce/seperation?

I can't provide a complete response without getting kind of long-winded. So, I will summarize by saying that it doesn't matter what actions are taken to build/maintain a healthy relationship if one or both parties involved are only going through the motions and are not genuine in their efforts. Suffice it to say that my ex was talking the talk but not walking the walk.

What things in particular do you see as culprits?(too rushed? too young? poor judge of character? lack of communication?, etc.) Which things do you take responsibility for? What could you have done differently in choosing a spouse and preparing for marriage?

Rushed in - deception - lack of understanding (on my part) about alcoholism and how it effects the entire family. I am responsible for not educating myself better on the alcoholism part of it. Also, I was too quick to believe my ex's version of things b/c I wanted to believe him. I needed to be more discerning and less willing to dismiss things that should have been heeded as red flags. By far, THE most important lesson I learned is that pretty much all I have to do to know how a man is going to treat me is take a long hard look at how he treats the women in his life (mom, sisters, etc). It would have been very telling for me to do that with my ex.

Do you believe that you simply married the wrong person/unsuitable for you or do you believe that it could have been the right person if different choices were made during the marriage? If you believe you married the wrong person, why/how do you think you allowed that to happen? What things could you have done to prevent it? If you believe it could have been the right person if different choices were made in marriage, does that mean you believe you made the right choice at a spouse in the first place?

I definitely married the wrong person. But, a lot of what he led me to believe would have made him more like the right person. After everything he has put me through, I look at him now and wonder how I was ever attracted to him. Then I realize I wasn't. I was attracted to the person he wanted me to think he was - not who he really is. He would have to change too many things about himself to even remotely be the right person - and sadly, he thinks he's just fine the way he is and doesn't need to change. In fact, several months after I moved out, he called me and asked me flat out if I ever felt like I made the hugest mistake of my life and could just take it all back. I said no - that I had never been more sure of anything in my life...

thank you for taking the time to answer all my questions. That was very insightful

 

[ido]

You're very welcome. I could probably be more insightful if I got into all the nitty gritty of it - but I'm pretty sure there is a character limit and I would far exceed it.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

You're very welcome. I could probably be more insightful if I got into all the nitty gritty of it - but I'm pretty sure there is a character limit and I would far exceed it.

heh. well if you have more thoughts, please feel more than free to post them, however many posts it takes

But I think you summed up your thoughts and reasoning quite well. Thank you

 

[Flibbertigibbet]

From your experience, do you think the divorce/seperation was caused more by the poor choice of the person you married/preparation before hand or more by the poor choices made by one or both people after you/they were married?

Since my ex began deceiving me before we were ever married and continued to do so afterwards, I would say that the poor choices began beforehand. However, it was the abusiveness and the infidelity after the marriage that ultimately caused the divorce.

In other words, were the poor choice(s) made, that ended in divorce, caused more BEFORE you got married or AFTER you were married?

I think my above answer covers this but let me know if it doesn't.


Or perhaps you believe it was a 50/50 kind of deal, both caused by poor choice in who you married/preparation as well as the poor choices made after. But if you don't believe it is completely equal (based on your experiences and others), then please vote and elaborate on which you think was/is the greater cause.

If my ex would have been honest with me about certain aspects of his past - and if I would not have been so naive regarding certain aspects of his family life...I don't think I would have dated him seriously - much less married him. So, in that respect, I feel that I made a poor choice...but it was made based on the knowledge I had. My ex, on the other hand, consciously made poor choices and manipulated our relationship to suit his needs. Ultimately, his inability to separate his reality from the truth and change behavior that was detrimental to our relationship was the "greater cause" as you put it.

How do you view the impact of your choice in a mate and the time you spent making sure they were the right person for you and the steps you took to prepare for marriage in regards to the fact the marriage ultimately failed?

Unfortunately, ours was a short courtship before we married. We rushed into the relationship - which was a huge mistake. The other mistake was that we engaged in premarital sex. Too much focus on the physical aspect of a relationship too early on makes it too easy for the relationship as a whole to be kind of blurry. If I get the chance to meet someone and marry again, I will not engage in premarital sex and I will date them longer before marrying them. Especially now that I have kids - I need to make a decision for 3 hearts, not just 1.


How do you view the choices that were made in marriage to work at building and maintaining a healthy relationship and how that or the lack thereof impacted your divorce/seperation?

I can't provide a complete response without getting kind of long-winded. So, I will summarize by saying that it doesn't matter what actions are taken to build/maintain a healthy relationship if one or both parties involved are only going through the motions and are not genuine in their efforts. Suffice it to say that my ex was talking the talk but not walking the walk.

What things in particular do you see as culprits?(too rushed? too young? poor judge of character? lack of communication?, etc.) Which things do you take responsibility for? What could you have done differently in choosing a spouse and preparing for marriage?

Rushed in - deception - lack of understanding (on my part) about alcoholism and how it effects the entire family. I am responsible for not educating myself better on the alcoholism part of it. Also, I was too quick to believe my ex's version of things b/c I wanted to believe him. I needed to be more discerning and less willing to dismiss things that should have been heeded as red flags. By far, THE most important lesson I learned is that pretty much all I have to do to know how a man is going to treat me is take a long hard look at how he treats the women in his life (mom, sisters, etc). It would have been very telling for me to do that with my ex.

Do you believe that you simply married the wrong person/unsuitable for you or do you believe that it could have been the right person if different choices were made during the marriage? If you believe you married the wrong person, why/how do you think you allowed that to happen? What things could you have done to prevent it? If you believe it could have been the right person if different choices were made in marriage, does that mean you believe you made the right choice at a spouse in the first place?

I definitely married the wrong person. But, a lot of what he led me to believe would have made him more like the right person. After everything he has put me through, I look at him now and wonder how I was ever attracted to him. Then I realize I wasn't. I was attracted to the person he wanted me to think he was - not who he really is. He would have to change too many things about himself to even remotely be the right person - and sadly, he thinks he's just fine the way he is and doesn't need to change. In fact, several months after I moved out, he called me and asked me flat out if I ever felt like I made the hugest mistake of my life and could just take it all back. I said no - that I had never been more sure of anything in my life...

I'm going to "ditto" everything you said - were we married to same guy??? Or are all alcoholics gray in the dark?